Author's note:

This is a collaboration story that I and my dear friend Oriz re writing, mostly out of boredom. It turned into an actual thing and I really enjoy the craziness and little sense it is making.

The story is 'M' rated, since it contains and is yet to have more very inappropriate Yaoi, Yuri and overall kinky scenes. Let me know if you like it, so we can know whether or not to write more :D

There was a weird taste in Renji's mouth, but he could not recall what it was. As a matter of fact, he had no memory of where he was and what that tingling sensation in the lower parts of his body was. Maybe if he opened his eyes he could figure it out. Yes, that sounded like a good plan.

As he lifted his eyelids the black curtain rose and he found himself face down on a gravel pavement, his legs weirdly half prostrated onto a bench. He rolled over and sat for an awkward moment, taking the scene in. He was in a park - that was obvious by the trees, alleys, little lake and cozy little benches, one of which must have served as his bed. It was early in the morning as the birds were singing shyly in the branches, hidden in the green leafs.

Renji stood up, brushing dust from his clothes. He was in his gigai, he noticed. Why was that? Why couldn't he remember anything from last night? His earliest memory was from the evening gathering in Ichigo's house and then…

"Renji!" A loud voice boomed in the distance.

"Ichigo! " Barked an even louder Renji. " Where are you?" He started turning his head left and right franticly until he spotted his friend in the distance, running towards him. He decided the situation is urgent and started running too.

"What happened?" They both roared when they reached each other.

" I believe I have fallen asleep in the playground area," Ichigo reluctantly admitted, which explained the sand dripping off his hair and clothes. "And I can't remember why we are in this park," he added, shrugging.

" I know we were after that hollow," Renji said, his face a mask of concentration. "The one with the antlers…"

"Oh right!" Ichigo brightened up. "We were supposed to be the decoys! "

"Yes, but in that case there should have been someone to 'save' us," Renji noted. " Where are the others?"

"Maybe they have fallen asleep too? "

"No, that can't be… We must find them," Renji demanded, suddenly getting anxious and rashly searching in his pockets for his mod soul pill.

Suddenly a lot of voices called for them and they got surrounded. The first thing Renji noted was Ishida grabbing Ichigo's shirt and screaming loudly.

„Where the hell have you been, Kurosaki? We were waiting all night…." Their noses were almost touching.

"Get off of me, you jerk!" The orange-haired boy pushed his friend off of him, trying his best to forget the macro picture of his face. Since when did Ishida have such blue eyes…? Ichigo shook his head, a bit worried of what he was thinking. Had he hit his head?

"I asked you a question!"

"Stop yelling!"

"Will someone tell me what is going on?" Renji was getting too confused.

"I'll tell you what's going on!" Ishida took a few steps and pulled him by the shirt too, staring at him furiously. "While we had to ambush that hollow, you two went missing. Orihime barely managed to fix Chad after the attack. We didn't even manage to stop the damn evil spirit!"

Ichigo blinked and looked at the red-haired shinigami. Why did he have no memories of what had happened? It seemed Renji didn't remember a thing as well, as the two boys exchanged frustrated looks.

"Is everyone alright?" Kurosaki was nervous. This wasn't right.

Ishida finally calmed down and sighed. "Fortunately, yes. But we need to find out where the hollow went and to understand why you two morons don't remember a thing. And I know just the person that can help with this."

This sounded like a good plan. Rubbing his aching butt, Ichigo headed to Urahara Kisuke's shop with the others.

"Kurosaku-kun, what a pleasant surprise." The man with the green-striped hat gave the newcomers an odd smile, but they decided to ignore it. They had enough things to worry about at the moment.

"Urahara-san," started the quincy, "you said you have information about this hollow that you did not have yesterday. Would you care to explain what's happening, as the whole situation is already too messed up?"

"Of course, Uryuu-kun." The man turned around and, with the same odd smile, pulled a small TV in the little room. Putting a videotape in the VCR, he pressed 'play' and turned to the group.

"You see, while you were ambushing the spirit yesterday, I took to observing its behavior. It had been reported that this hollow is unusual and that no shinigami could defeat him, and yet, I could not find a good explanation for that. No one seemed to… remember." The man eyed Ichigo and Renji, then turned back to the TV. "This is why I had constructed a special camera that can actually detect spirits. This is the footage from yesterday."

The group stared, watching as Ichigo appeared in the park where they had to attack the evil spirit. The boy was in his human form, as he was told that this hollow attacked humans, not simply spirits. He had the substitute-soul pill with Kon in it in his hand, ready to swallow. A few minutes later, the video showed Renji appear, in a gigai. The two boys exchanged some information, as well as a few punches and then they took positions.

"Here comes the best part," explained Urahara, a strange giggle coming from his side.

The video didn't have any sound, but the boys watched as their video-selves jumped in fighting stances, obviously aware of the hollow present. It didn't take too long for the spirit to show. However, an odd, glowing light accompanied it. The light was coming from a strange thing, hanging from his head. The video Renji and Ichigo both looked like they were ready to exit their bodies, but they suddenly froze.

Urahara's giggle was getting more distinctive.

Ichigo watched himself, his jaw dropping, his eyes widening. The Kurosaki on the TV stopped dead in his tracks, just as his friend next to him and stared at the light. The two remained like this for a while. Then the hollow disappeared in thin air. And then the real horror began.

Ichigo screamed, turning the table with hot tea on himself. Renji jumped up, trying to run away, only to tumble into the orange-haired boy's body. They fell on top of each other, cursing and hitting each other while they tried to entangle away.

"Ah, almost like on the video."

"Turn that off!"

Yet, Kisuke didn't want to. He took a small handkerchief from his pocket and passed it to Ishida, whose nose had suddenly started bleeding heavily.

Fixing his glasses, the boy watched the TV, staring at the two in picture. With the disappearance of the hollow, Ichigo and Renji had suddenly crashed into each other, kissing, smooching and licking each other's faces, pulling their shirts up, touching inappropriately. The quincy stared with interest and agitation as Ichigo's shirt was almost torn away from his slim, muscled torso. Renji was running his tongue through his chest, taking a good amount of time on his six-pack. His red hair had somehow gone down and was covering his face, but Ishida could clearly figure out what was happening, judging by Kurosaki's pleased face. Although the guys behind him were fighting, trying to kill each other, the boy imagined their yelling was actually from the video. This caused his nosebleed to worsen.

"Intriguing, isn't it!" Urahara was watching the fighting men with love, wondering if he would be lucky enough to catch them in action from a closer distance next time.

"That's enough!" a new voice, strangely cold yet familiar said.

"Rukia-san!" Orihime's surprise could be sensed in her voice "What are you doing here?"

"Urahara-san called and said you will need some backup." The black haired woman's face froze when she looked at Ichigo and Renji, the first shaking vigorously the second by the collar. "What are you doing?" she asked, staring them both down.

"There was…"

"It was horrible."

Both of them stood up immediately stepping five feet away from each other and exchanging dark glances.

"I feel like I have to take a shower… no I need a new skin," the red-haired man explained stone-faced.

"I will go soak in some bleach if it's all the same to you." rumbled Ichigo "Anyways… Rukia from what we have seen this hollow is EXTREMELY dangerous." The tone of his voice implicated that extremely should be marked with uppercase letters.

"That is why we are here," she calmly said, crossing her arms in front of her chest and looking around the people in the room. "Urahara-san explained the situation and the unusual circumstances that surround it." She remained quite calm while saying that.

Ichigo however was growing impatient, annoyed and every memory of this video he saw made him twitch.

"Then we must take some actions and destroy this creature!" The words came out of Renji's mouth though the orange-haired boy was thinking of saying them.

"We should first consider our tactics" Ishida interrupted. "You just observed what happens when the hollow's attack reaches you!"

"Mhm," contributed Chad, shifting uneasily. His eyes closed beneath the tick stream of hair above them.

"I am sure there is something we can do. After all we were not affected by the hollow, isn't that right?" Orihime beamed and looked at Kisuke Urahara, who frowned for a short moment.

"From what I have observed I have concluded that this creature's power needs to be recharged." He raised his finger, indicating that there will be a long scientific explanation and a couple of people in the tiny room sulked. "This means that once it uses its 'light' we have a short, for now unknown period of time in which we can attack it!"

"We tried and almost got wiped out of existence" Ishida coldly reminded.

"Yes, but that is because the hollow is quite powerful for the three of you," Rukia reasoned "That is why we came to help."

"I see only you here" Renji groaned, moving next to her. In his personal universe the farer he was from Ichigo, the better. "Unless you started talking about you in plural I think you need to explain a bit."

Rukia glowered and Renji knit his brows. Regrettably the moment was broken by the perfect entry.

"Sorry everyone!" Hanatarou burst in the room with a small, shy smile. "We had to stop for a bit, because…" He gulped, uncertain of how to continue.

"I told you that we didn't need to stop in that shop!"

"But I needed the lotion!"

"You have 37 bottles in your bathroom shelf!"

"Yes, but this one is with strawberries… come on… oh hello everyone!"

The already crowded room got even more intimate once Ikkaku Madarame and Yumichika Ayasegawa entered.

"Now… we need a plan," Urahara Kisuke said, smiling broadly.

"And I think if we do that we need to split into teams with a male and a female" reasoned Orihime.

The amount of shocked looks she received worried her a bit.

Ichigo had insisted that he was paired with someone else. Only the look of Renji made him feel sick. He would probably never be able to look at the man again.

The thought of making out with another man was as equally devastating for him. As much as the others had protested when they were told about the special power of this hollow, everyone had admitted that Ichigo and Renji deserved a break. The orange-haired boy looked at Orihime, who was sitting on a bench behind him. Her long hair was concealing her face, and still, the boy couldn't miss the immense redness in her cheeks. This was awkward…

The boy sighed. "Orihime… If something happens, we won't remember it anyway. Urahara promised his camera is in the trash. The important thing is to get rid of this hollow."

On the other side of town, Urahara Kisuke smiled his odd smile. He had finally managed to get the audio working on his camera too. He had adjusted the angle perfectly and could see the boy and girl fine now. And judging by what Ichigo had done to Renji the other day, Urahara feared that Orihime might not take her crush's kinkiness and perversion. This was going to be an interesting night.

On the other side of the park, Renji looked at Rukia, who was casually looking around. He rubbed his palms and tried not to reveal how excited he was. Urahara had promised him to have a camera ready so he could see what he had done to the girl later. Renji felt his nose itch. It was too early for nosebleeds.

Ishida looked at Chad with suspicion. He would probably enjoy his muscles, but was afraid that the big guy would break his glasses. Thank god he had his contact lenses with him.

"What are you doing?"

The quincy eyed the other. "Ah, just making preparations." Putting his contacts on, he tucked his glasses in his pocket, ready for action.

Yumichika and Ikkaku were already fighting. They had decided that if they died in an honest battle, they would not need to suffer the immense humiliation this mission was probably going to cause them.

Hanatarou was lost in the forest, getting freaked out by squirrels.

When the hollow appeared, it stared at the people, scattered in the park in couples. This was going to be interesting. It saw a familiar face and headed for the man with the spiky red hair. The little boy with black hair next to him jumped to fight, but it seemed the red-pineapple guy did not wish to battle at all. Anyway, the spirit simply waved its hypnotic light and let them battle on the ground. This was too easy, the evil ghost wanted a challenge.

The hollow had used very little of its power and could do this at least two more times. The next victims it found were a tall, much muscled guy and a shorter one. Was he not wearing glasses last time? It didn't matter. The big guy tried to hit the spirit, but it was already waving its light in front of their eyes. It left with disappointment again. People here were too perverted, there was no challenge in attacking them…

A strange woman with short-cut black hair was already on top of a bald guy, so the spirit just flashed the last remaining beams from its magical lure and watched them make out on the ground. Had it worked at all? It looked as the two were already in the middle of something when it reached them…

With no more power, the spirit finally found the kinky bastard from last night. He could recognize his orange spiky hair in the darkness. However, as the hollow had no more light, it simply attacked. Yet, this guy was tough. He seemed to be protecting the girl behind him with his life. The girl herself looked really sad and just sat there. What a strange city. The hollow made a note to find a city with normal people.

No matter how long they battled, the spirit could not hurt the guy. He was too strong. When the sun started threatening the night sky with its light, the evil ghost decided it was enough for today and flew away. Ichigo stared at it in suspicion. Why had it simply gone away like that? As if… it was disappointed…

"Are you alright, Orihime?"

He stared as the girl stood up from the bench she had been sitting on and walked angrily away. If she knew she would have no luck, she wouldn't have gone shopping for new lingerie…

Chad watched the tape with a blank expression. He stared at the recorded Ishida, who had spend quite a lot of time humping his leg before passing out on the ground. This hollow was one weird spirit.

Yumichika dug his zanpaktou deep in his stomach and moved the blade so it could cause him more pain and faster death. Madarame had already passed out from the shock and now lied on the ground of the Urahara shop. He would probably commit seppuku as soon as he woke up too. The man protested as Ururu took the blade out of his body and Orihime started healing him. He had to die, he needed to end his existence as soon as possible. The Ayasegawa took one more glance at the little TV, watching himself run his tongue through the bald head of his teammate, all the way to his ear, where he stopped and licked even more, while Ikkaku was concentrated in digging in his pants. The man couldn't emotionally handle this any longer and dropped on the ground, next to his ex-lover from last night. Jinta laughed an evil laugh and hurried to position them on top of each other. He then took a picture and remembered to bribe them with it eventually.

Renji watched the tape with wide eyes. This had not gone as he expected. The deep cuts and bruises on his body only reminded him how wrong he had been. He never knew Rukia was into the bondage stuff. He could not believe that most of his night had been spend in the girl piggy-back riding him while he ran around a bench naked. Where had she found that leather whip and clothes from anyway?

Only Ichigo seemed pleased with what had happened. He had fought the spirit and had learnt something very important about this mission. He had to do whatever he could in this world, to make Matsumoto Rangiku attend this mission and get her paired with him. He made a note to forget his zanpaktou then. This would be very… fun.