DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN MAXIMUM RIDE, PERRY THE PLATYPUS, ORLANDO BLOOM, ARIZONA, EDWARD CULLEN, OR JUSTIN BIEBER.

With love from Nowhere,

~St. Ryro

I was sitting across from Perry. He was making it tough for me to decide. Should I…? Or maybe not. He clapped his platypus flippers together, causing me to jump in my seat a little.

"So Maximum," Perry said in his platypus voice, his platypus face contorting into a platypus smile, showing off a little platypus mouth. And yes, if you haven't caught on, he's a platypus. "Have you made your decision? I would love to hear you say yes, and the Mad Hatter would love it too, but if you say no, then it's, ah, your loss." His platypus mouth twitched up higher.

"I don't know. I would love to work for your boss, the Mad Hatter in order to take revenge on Alice, but I'm afraid that the Ninjas wouldn't take it quite well." My leg was shaking nervously and my eye twitched. Underneath the table we were sitting at, I was shuffling a deck of cards around frantically in my hands.

Perry threw back his platypus head back and laughed a laugh worthy of Voldemort. His face was ugly and, ugh, was that a ravioli stain at the corner of his mouth? Now, I know, when I say Perry, that you imagine a cute, blue platypus who works as a secret agent, like in that one cartoon with the guys who liked to invent stuff. Just to tell you beforehand, nuh uh. Perry, this Perry, was blackish-brownish and his eyes were bloodshot. He was most definitely not a secret agent, unless, of course, secret agents are evil, bloodthirsty platypuses who kidnap people to get them to work for them. Probably not, last time I checked. Man, if I had to choose between getting locked up in a room with Gazzy for a day or getting locked up in a room with that crazy platypus, I would chose Gazzy any day.

"Are you sure, Maximum?" I nodded. He frowned. "Fine, I'll just have to change your mind." And if that isn't scary enough, try imagining an insane platypus with morning breath saying it to you. It just might change your mind, don't ya think?

Perry pressed a button on the brown spinney chair he was sitting in; you know the chairs that you find in an office? The button was big and red, and had DANGER written on it. Ooh, cue scary music and ominous lightning. It's even weirder because, before he pressed the button, the room was hazy and fuzzy, like TV fuzzy. But when he pressed the button, the room grew into focus, and I could see every detail. The room was white, like a white box, and shelves littered the walls. Brown frames were on the shelves, and I could see lots of pictures in the frames. There was one of a platypus-no doubt Perry-standing next to the biggest ball of string in the world, a picture of Perry eating pizza, a picture of Perry next to Orlando Bloom at the movie theaters, a picture of Perry holding up a sign saying 'MY PLAN TO DESTROY THE WORLD-'

Wait. Hold the phone. Perry met Orlando Bloom? Holy crap! He's like, the best actor of the century! I had a sudden urge to ask Perry about it, but then felt like this might be the wrong time.

"Be prepared for the most horrifying thing you'll ever witness. Be afraid. Be very, very afraid." As Perry said this, a hatch in the white ceiling opened up and a black clump fell through it and landed on the table. The hatch closed quickly.

The black clump stirred. It rose to its feet and I was instantly rewarded with the worst sight imaginable. I jumped out of my chair and opened my mouth in a silent scream. Fang! Fang, hurry up and save me!

Standing before me, was, wait for it.

Justin Bieber.

"I told you this would happen, Maximum, if only you had listened." Perry shook his head sadly, as if he was truly concerned about my mental health. Yeah,right. As if. "But to get you to listen…"

The hatch opened again and a figure landed beside Justin. Can you guess who? I'll give you a hint: a shirtless figure that sparkled in the sunlight and drank blood.

Edward Cullen.

Is this for real? Justin Bieber and Edward Cullen, probably the two most scariest people ever, went to all this trouble to scare me. Moi. I'm flattered. I really am.

(Sarcasm)

"If you would have just complied, we wouldn't have been in this mess! Really, Maximum. I'm surprised. I'd have thought that you would've been easier to convince after the little run in with Mr. Chu, my little friend. But, ah, mistakes!" Perry boomed, looking rather insane. His eyes, if possible, looked more bloodshot than usual. "You leave me no choice. Justin, hit it!"

I looked confused, but as the opening chords to One Time started playing from only God knows where, I got it. He was going to sing. Justin was going to sing with a shirtless Edward Cullen to do the backup vocals.

Every wacked up, hormonal fangirl's dream, am I right?

I spread out my wings and jumped into the air, pounding my fists onto the hatch in the ceiling, trying to get out, because, hey, I liked my sanity. Perry was laughing manically and rolling around in his seat like the little, mentally deranged platypus he is and Justin Bieber was still singing One Time. Edward was doing a little step-dance thing that would've sent any teenage girl's heart into a frenzy. Except, just not my heart.

"When I met you girl my heart went knock, knock. Now them butterflies in my stomach won't stop, stop." Oh, the horror! With every pound on the hatch, my body seemed to grow weaker and weaker, and as my wings fluttered uselessly, I folded them in and crashed to the floor next to the table. Justin Bieber leaned over me, still singing and Edward Cullen danced at my side, his feet dangerously close to my head. Both were looking down frantically at me. The Crazy Platypus was nowhere to be seen, and I was going to die. Die, die, die. Death by Bieber. I would've preferred something better like death by chocolate, but we can't always have what we want, am I correct?

"Me plus you, I'ma tell you one time." My eyes fluttered closed.

And somewhere in Arizona, I woke up, screaming.