Title: If I Am
Author: Taka
Archive: UCA, others with permission
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Slash
Random notes: Sequel to "Otherside"
(http://geocities.com/aleeaw/yaoistuff/otherside.html), but it's not
necessary to read that first.
"So you're walking on the edge
And you wait your turn to fall
But you're so far gone
That you don't see
The hands upheld to catch you..."
-Nine Days, If I Am
I sigh, running my hand through my bangs. Cassie was supposed to be coming
in first. I owed it to her to make sure she wasn't the last to know why I
broke up with her.
"Jake?" she whispers, poking her head in the door.
"Come in," I say softly. "Shut the door behind you."
"Jake...you-" she starts, before I cut her off with a gesture.
"Cassie. I have to apologize to you in a big way- and let me know what you
want me to do to make it up to you." She starts to speak again. "No- don't
interrupt me. If you do, I'll never get going again. Just listen to what I
have to say first.
"I do love you- in kind of the same way I love Tom. You're one of my best
friends and we've been through a lot together. But I was never really
attracted to you- I just used you. Unconsciously, yes, but it was still
wrong." I took a deep breath, expelled it. You'd think this would get
easier, but it doesn't. "Cassie, I'm gay."
There's a moment of silence, and she's just _looking_ at me, in this
unreadable way.
"Jake," she says finally. "I can't say I'm not mad. I think...I think I need
to go now, and come back later, before I say something I'll regret."
I sigh. "All right." I just don't know what to say. "I'm sorry," I whisper
again as she leaves, but I'm not sure if she heard me.
I get lost in my own thoughts for a minute, but they're aruptly shattered by
the slam of the door. I look up to see Rachel standing in the doorway,
closely followed by Tobias. "What did you say to her, Jake?" she snarls. "I
swear, Jake, I don't care if you are my cousin, and I don't care that you're
hurt. What the hell did you do to Cassie?"
This feels like being stuck in a bad horror movie, "The Boy Who Had To Come
Out Repeatedly." Oh well, better get used to it.
"I'm gay." I say flatly.
The next thing I know, I'm seeing stars. I shake my head to clear it, and
see Rachel stalking out of the room and Tobias looking back and forth
between us. I raise my hand to my cheek. "She slapped me," I mutter
disbelievingly.
"Yeah, man," Tobias says. "You OK?"
"Just fine," I mutter. "Unless you count my dignity. You're not going to
stalk out, too? I'd have a three for three track record."
"Nah," Tobias says. "I have a good appreciation for what gay people go
through."
I look at him, puzzled. "But I didn't think you were..."
He laughs. "I'm not. But a lot of people thought I was. You know, they'd
stick my head in a toilet and call me 'fag'. The usual."
I wince. "I'm sorry."
He laughs again. "Why? It wasn't your fault."
I roll my eyes. "It's a figure of speech."
Tobias just grins at me again, and winks. "I'll send Marco, in, OK?"
The way he looks at me makes me wonder how much he knows. He can be
amazingly perceptive sometimes. I guess living so long as an animal has made
him more sensitive to human emotion. His hand settles on my shoulder for a
moment. "Don't worry, it'll be fine."
He ghosts out, and I'm left wondering again exactly how much he knows.
"Hey," Marco says, poking his head into the room. "What's up?"
"Nothing much," I say, falling into the usual banter, although my throat
feels tight and my heart is beating double time on a kettle drum.
"Oh yeah?" he says, flipping my wrists over. "This doesn't look like
'nothing'."
"OK, OK. So I'm not the happiest person in the world right now. In fact, I'm
very upset and feeling very guilty because I used Cassie, even if it was
intentional."
"Jake!" he mock-scolds me, hands on his hips, and a really cute pout on his
face. "How could you use a cute girl like Cassie?"
I freeze. Dammit, why'd he have to go and say that?
"Jake? Jake? What's wrong? Was it something I said? Sorry, man, whatever it
was..." he trails off.
"N-no," I choke out. "It's nothing."
I study my best friend intently. He's looking unusually pale, his normally
tan skin having taked on an unhealty pallor. I have to say, I already have a
pretty good idea what he's going to say. Tobias and I notice things, and we
often swap observations. That we've both gotten the same impression of this
incident says a lot. Although I also feel like he knows something even more
than I do and that he's hiding it for some reason.
"Dude," I say. "Spit it out. Whatever's bothering you."
I can see him gripping the sheets tightly. "I can't do that!" he protests. I
grumble to myself.
"Why?" I finally ask.
"Because I'm scared," he whispers, and it's so soft I can barely hear it.
"You're my best friend, and I don't want to ruin that."
"I promise you, Jake, no matter what, I won't hate you. In fact, there is
very little you can say that will faze me after fighting walking salad
shooters."
"I'm gay," and again it's so quiet that I can barely hear it.
"Aha! So Tobias and I were right!" I say, cheerfully.
"You're in cahoots?" he says, rolling his eyes, after a moment's pause.
"Yeah," I reply, stealing the crackers off of his lunch tray.
"Yes you can have those," Jake says. "Did he...say anything else to you?"
"What else is there?" I say around a mouthful of cracker.
"N-nothing," he mutters avoiding his gaze. He reaches for the water on his
tray, taking a sip. "So you really don't care?" he asks.
"Nah," I reply, stuffing another cracker in my mouth. "I'm bisexual."
He chokes on the water he's drinking. Oh my. In retrospect, I should have
prepared him for that one. I pound on his back until he stops coughing.
"I-I would say I heard you wrong, but that was so forward, I don't think I
did."
"Of course you didn't," I reply. He's looking at me funny.
"W-why didn't you tell me sooner?"
"Didn't seem important."
He almost chokes again. "Didn't seem important?"
"Yeah," I say. "I mean, it's really just my business. Not necessarily
something that everyone needs to know, and not that important anyway. At
least it shouldn't be."
He blows his bangs out of his face, an almost irritated gesture. "Yeah, I
guess you're right."
There are a few minutes of silence, before he mutters something to me,
blushing.
"What was that?" I say. I get the feeling I'm missing something really
obvious, but at the moment I'm not sure what it is.
"Would you...like to go out with me sometime?" Oh. _That_ was what it was,
and why Tobias kept looking at me funny. Stupid bird. Yup, I definitely
should have seen that coming.
I hadn't really considered him before, on the basis of trying not to be
interested in my friends who aren't interested in me and are possibly
straight, but now that I think about it, I do like him. An awful lot. And
he's cute. Cute is a plus.
"Sure," I agree. He's grinning at me, and trying not to look too ecstatic. I
guess it would ruin his image or something. Idiot. But a cute one.
"When's the wedding?" Tobias teases, poking his head into the room.
We both just stare at him a moment, before I pick up another packet of
crackers and toss them at him. "Eavesdropper!" I accuse.
"You know it," he returns.
I give in and grin at him. "Fine." I wag a finger under Jake's nose. "But I
am _not_ wearing the dress."
He laughs. That's a good sign. "Everything will work out, won't it, Jake?" I
say, sitting down on the edge of the bed and wrapping my arm around his
shoulder in a gesture that's just past friendly.
He considers for a moment, before smiling at me. "Yeah, I think they will."
A/N: Sap. ^_^ Yum. Uh...anyway. *g* I know, my endings suck. Sue me.
In other news, is Rachel homophobic, or just mad at Jake's treatment of
Cassie? Take it how you will. *shrug* Laters!