"Remember it!" came Adam's harsh voice.
"No… no I didn't…" replied Ianto uncertainly.
"You killed them in cold blood. You loved it. The feel of life leaving them, being drained from them."
"No" whimpered Ianto, refusing to believe it.
"It made you feel strong, killing them. Like their lives belonged to you. Knowing that they died because of you. Their deaths made you feel powerful, in control. Remember it, their warmth fading, bodies becoming limp." Adam's voice sounded almost caring, like he was there to help Ianto when he had killed those people. But he hadn't killed them... had he?
"No" was all Ianto could say, because he wasn't sure now, wasn't sure of himself. He wasn't sure of anything anymore.
"But you did. I was there. I saw you, comforted you." Adam's words interrupted Ianto's thoughts. "I told you it was ok even though it wasn't. I helped you believe that you're not a monster. But you know you are. Deep down you know what you did. Remember it!" Adam's words penetrated his mind, pierced into him.
"Do you remember your first victim Yan? It was such a big step for you, such a victory. I remember you telling me how you did it. You followed her home one night, made sure she was alone and kept your distance. But she wasn't stupid, she could sense something was up. So you made your move. You came up to her and started friendly conversation, introduced a little flirting and with that oh so silky Welsh accent of yours how could she resist? One thing lead to another, and soon she was up against a wall. All of your weight on her, her mouth trailing kisses down your neck. You knew you had her. Your fingers brushed her throat and she moaned, failing to notice when you began to squeeze lightly. But you couldn't have that could you? You squeezed harder, enough to hurt and the moaning stop, panic filled her eyes. Those eyes soon filled with tears as you kept squeezing. She tried to beg with you but you wouldn't listen. She tried to call for help but your fingers were wrapped too tightly around her throat. Didn't you just love that Ianto? Her begging for you to stop, fully at your mercy. Soon she was out of air. Her face a deep shade of purple as her last breathe left her, her last trace of life. Her body slipped heavily from your hands, thudding against the wall. You killed her Ianto."
All Ianto could do was cry. Cry because he could feel her throat under his hands, going cold and clammy. And he wasn't ashamed.
"Shame wasn't even on your mind was it?" asked Adam coolly. "Frankly, from the way I remember it, it never registered. Quite the opposite really. You revelled in it Yan. You felt powerful, god like. Your hunger for control was satisfied. But, as we all know. Satisfaction can only last so long."
"Soon you felt that hunger return. That need for control, for power." Adam's voice had returned. "So in sought for an easy victim you went to a local bar. Alcohol always screws with people's judgement. With their senses. Soon enough you had found your victim. Alone and drinking at a side table. You made your entrance. You came up all charming, with a drink just for her. It was all she could do not to throw herself at you right there. This made it easier, it meant she was more than willing to go out the back with you. You allowed her to kiss you, to gain your trust. Then your fingers were on her throat, already squeezing. She choked but stayed otherwise silent. This didn't please you did it Yan? Where was the fun? The chase? So, you kneed her in the stomach, hard. That got her attention, made her cry out. You did it again and again. Soon she was sobbing underneath you. Much better. Your fingers returned to her throat, her sobbing becoming more and more muffled before it died out completely, along with her." Adam paused before starting up again, sounding somewhat renewed. "It didn't feel as good as the first time did it Ianto?" His voice prying. "Didn't satisfy you as much as killing the first one did."
"Needed more." Choked Ianto, through his tears.
"So, that same night, your need hard and raw, you found yourself your next victim. A lost young lady, walking the streets so light. Wasn't she just asking for trouble? For something like you to happen? You snuck up on her, hidden by the darkness. Grabbed her from behind and squeezed her from behind. Not even pretending to be nice. You squeezed and squeezed but you didn't feel any better. Any different. So you kicked her behind her knees, she collapsed under you. But still no better. No matter how much you kicked you still felt the same. But you had another idea. You grabbed her hand and bent her pinky back. Snap. The next finger. Snap. The rest of her hand. Crunch. But nothing. You felt nothing Ianto. No happiness. No power. No guilt.
But the guilt seemed to rear it's head now. Invading Ianto's mind. He had killed three people. Murdered them without remorse, with happiness even. He had taken them away from their families. Destroyed any dreams they may have had of a better future, of any future. All he could hear was their voices. Screaming, sobbing, begging. Pleading with him to stop. Why hadn't he stopped?
"Because you're a monster Ianto, plain and simple." Adam's voice was back. Clearer then ever. "I helped you dispose of the bodies, I calmed you down. Made it ok. I stood by you Ianto. If you don't believe me just turn around. Turn around Ianto."
Ianto turned around fearfully, coming across an object that was too far away to identify. As he approached it he realised what it was. The body of his first victim, still slumped against the wall.
Ianto let out a sob and collapsed to the ground, curled in a ball, rocking back and forth. Tears streaming down his face. But no matter how much he cried he could still hear them, still feel them inside his head. No matter how much he hated those voices he still felt something, deep inside him telling him to kill again. To kill and hurt those around him. He wasn't safe.
Jack came into the vaults to find Ianto slumped against his office chair. "Ianto, what's wrong?" Jack asked with concern.
"You have to lock me up Jack, I'm not safe." came Ianto's somewhat disturbing reply. I killed three people, I could kill again at any minute. You aren't safe around me. None of you are.
"Ianto, I'm sure you didn't kill anyone, quick kidding around." Jack sounded uneasy.
"I murdered them all Jack, dumped their bodies. I'm a monster. A cruel sick monster. And you know the worst part Jack?"
"What Ianto, what was worse then all of that?"
"It felt so good."