She knew she was going to miss him, but the intensity as to which she would wasn't known until he was already gone. Ben had left his apprenticeship early to go fight for freedom, and Felicity was so happy that it had been done honorably, but, still, there was this nagging feeling in the back of her mind that maybe, just maybe, this wasn't a good idea. War was dangerous, of course, fighting always involved risk. But this was more intense than that, and no matter how she tried to keep herself occupied, or shake herself out of these thoughts, Felicity just wanted to make sure Ben was safe and, preferably, home.
When she was thirteen, it got to be too much. She needed some reassurance that he was okay. That he was whole, and safe, and coming back. So she wrote to him.
Dear Ben,
I'm not sure how to begin letters, because it's been too long for us to just pick up from our last conversation. Of course, besides goodbyes, I can't truly and fully remember what you said. Things are fine here, if you were wondering. But I'm more concerned as to how thing are over there and, more specifically, with you. Are you okay? Hurt? Please say no. But tell me the truth. I want to know everything.
Best Regards,
Felicity
She had written 'love' the first time, but was afraid he'd take it seriously. Then she wrote 'sincerely' but that seemed too aloof. Frustrated, she signed 'Best Regards' and sealed it before she could change her mind. A few months later, she got a reply.
Hello Lissie!
I won't say things are great, because the conditions aren't the best. Food's pretty gross, camps are grimy. Not what I've gotten used to at the lovely Merriman abode. But I'm not complaining! I'm happy to be fighting for our freedom, and that's worth eating some tasteless food. I'm not seriously injured: I've got scratches and bruises and the like but I've got my head and all my limbs. And, at the end of the day, a soldier can't ask for much more than that. I'm sure I'll be home soon, Washington is a great general and surely knows what he's doing. And of course I'm wondering how you all are doing! Tell me everything you've been up to, Lissie. Send my regards to your family.
Ben
He had scratched out however he sighed off his letter, but Felicity was too excited at the good news to focus on the matter. She wrote him back right away, it had taken a couple months for the letter to get to her, and she wasn't going to delay his next letter by mulling over what to say.
Hello Ben!
The family is wonderful, and missing you terribly. Nan has begun her lessons at Miss Manderly's, William is eager as always and spends his time running around the neighborhood with the other boys. Polly is walking around and exploring now. Mother and Father are doing wonderfully, and I get to help out more at the store now! I still miss you so much and pray for you every night that you won't get hurt. I can't wait until you're here and can tell me all of your wonderful war stories. I'm sure you have many.
All my love,
Felicity
She felt proud of herself for signing off so boldly, and mailed the letter as quickly as possible. She was fourteen when she received a response.
Lovely Lissie,
I miss you a lot too, but I'll be home soon. I'm sure everything back in Williamsburg has changed so much, you've grown up so much, it seems! You turned fourteen the day I got your letter, hopefully you'll get this letter before you're fifteen! Post is a little slow, I know, but I always look forward to hearing from you. We're moving out tomorrow, not entirely sure where yet, and even if I knew, I probably couldn't tell you. But keep writing me! The letter will get to me somehow, and I'll always write back. Send everyone my love.
All my love,
Ben
She blushed while reading it, and tried to combat the emotion by reading it again, but to no avail. She wrote him back immediately, as she was prone to do.
Dearest Ben,
Don't you worry, I'll always write you. Are there any stories you can tell me now, or do your officers not let you? Hard to believe it's already 1779, you've been gone for so long. But I know that every day passed is another day closer to when you come home, and we'll properly catch up then.
All my love,
Felicity
And she waited for a response. But 1779 passed, so did 1780, she was almost eighteen and still hanging in anticipation. She still found herself checking out the window, hoping that the mail would come and relieve her.
But, of course, this could not occupy all her time and life continued. She finished up her gentlewomen lessons and began to help more in the house and more in the store, meeting all sorts of new people, some a little more smitten than others.
She found herself thinking of Ben less, but he still entered her thoughts every once in a while. She couldn't predict when, sometimes when she was out baking or running an errand she'd remember that apple pie was his favorite dish, or hear a whistle and remember exactly who taught her to whistle. But she'd merely blush and continue on with what she was doing, holding on to a small sliver of hope that he was okay, and that his letter had just gotten lost.
What a shame she was wrong.
He had gotten wounded and was sent off for care, but he did not come back with his regiment. They marched back into town one day, and Felicity sprinted down, scanning the crowd for them. She brought Elizabeth with her, who looked at Felicity's actions with a bit of disapproval, but felt it was patriotic to see the soldiers back.
They waited as the crowds thinned, families joining up with with their men, or filing sadly off once they were told of the sad fate their loved ones met. No one came up to Felicity, no one walked into town, whistling, ready to regale war stories and make up for lost time. No one brought back his items - they were probably taken to his family in Richmond.
Felicity stood by the side of the road long after the crowds had dissipated to go home, hoping that someone would explain or - even better - he'd come running up. Late, but here.
But he didn't. No one approached her, no one explained how they could've let him die.
"I'm sorry." Elizabeth mumbled, slipping her arm around Felicity's waist and letting her rest her head on her shoulder.
Neither said anything more, and Elizabeth escorted Felicity home.
Felicity was never one to lie about bed, even now, but she moved much more slowly. She was so sure that he had to come back! That there was some destiny, some hope that would protect him and guide him home. Didn't her prayers matter? Just because he was willing to die shouldn't mean he needed to! She thought hard for a few days. Ben's death...this changed everything. Every little shred of hope, every plan she had made, thought of, imagined...didn't matter. There was no simpler way to put it. Everything had to continue now, and that meant everything had to change.
So Felicity accepted it, eventually. She stopped waiting for his last letter, stopped checking out the window, and began to move forward and make other plans. She stopped carrying her heart in her throat and tried to find solace in the ease of knowing that, even if the ending of their relationship was bad, at least it was over. At least it couldn't hurt anymore.
Spring came, and Felicity was excited to finally air out the house. The doors and windows were flung open and the mattresses were dragged outside to be beaten clean. Felicity enjoyed the spring cleaning, both because it allowed her to finally go outside and because this would be one of her last times cleaning out the Merriman house. She was grown up.
"Felicity, go grab the curtains downstairs for washing, will you?" Mrs. Merriman sent her daughter indoors, not even looking up from her work.
Felicity hopped up, agreed, and strolled inside, humming softly.
Just wandering in the doorway, cut up, limping, but whole and very much alive, was Ben Davidson, draped in war gear.
"Hello Lissie." he smiled, stepping toward her, discarding his gear. Felicity stood there, mouth agape, in complete shock. He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her.
He hadn't brought her his last letter, but, rather, something better.
"B-b-ben!" Felicity stuttered, stepping back but clutching onto his shirt still.
"Little later than I had hoped, but I'm finally back." he still wasn't letting go of her waist.
"I thought you were dead!" Tears sprang to Felicity's eyes.
"What?" Ben looked legitimately confused. "I sent word with Michael-I-I got hurt but I was fine, I was coming back, I was-didn't he? I-"
"I didn't know!" Felicity shook her head side to side with great vigor, tears coming harder now.
"He didn't bring it to you? He should be-did he- Stormson?"
"The jeweler's son? Yes, he came back, but he didn't tell me anything!" Felicity winced, still crying. "Ben, you're hurting me!" his hands had moved to her arms and he was gripping them tightly, out of anger and frustration.
"What?-oh I'm so sorry!" Ben released, only for a second, then hugged Felicity tight. "I'm so sorry, so, so, very sorry for whatever pain or worry I caused you!" he rested his chin on her head and moved to kiss the top of her head, her forehead, her cheeks. "I'm so sorry."
Felicity sobbed harder than previously, releasing his shirt and moving to cover her face.
"Oh, please don't cry Lissie, lovely, lovely Lissie. I know I messed this up, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. But I'm back now, and I'm not going anywhere."
Felicity was sniffling in an ugly manner and burying her face in Ben's chest. He kept holding onto her, feeling emotional himself.
"I'm sorry…" he mumbled again, kissing her head.
She lifted her head up and shook her head. "No, no, no, this can't be-"
"But it is!" Ben insisted. "This is happening, I promise! It's all real."
"NO!" Felicity said, trying to calm down but failing. "It's me! I-I"
"Are you hurt?"
"Ben-"
"Is something wrong?"
"I'm-I'm-"
"You can tell me anything. What's wrong, I'll fix it?"
"Ben! I'm engaged!"