Hey, author's note here! I decided to write a lil' sumthin' for all y'all Camaya fans, because for some reason my little Degrassi heart needs some future Camaya. This happens when Cam's twenty-two, and Maya is twenty-one. In this, Cam does attempt, but he attempts it a lot later, and it doesn't succeed. Mmkay, I hope y'all like this. And I'm sorry I'm such a fail at updating. I know it's a bit weird to bring Cam back, but I'll leave this quote here: "Writing does not resurrect; it buries." -John Green. Enjoy, you beauties! xxx
A lot of people here keep asking me what my biggest regret is. I tell them that my attempt was my biggest regret, and it truly is, but they still keep prodding. I can't tell how the hell I'm supposed to feel. Why can't they just leave me alone? I'm twenty-two years old, I can take care of my own self. I'm not sick, or wrong, or confused. I'm broken. I'm stupid, I'm a dumbass, and I'm broken. Everyday I wake up in this goddamn white bed, they tell me it's going to be better, that I'll heal. That I'll learn how deal with my illness. Whatever.
My psychotherapist walks in with a notepad and a pen. Every. Damn. Morning. I try to put on a smile as he walks to a chair beside my bed.
"How are you this morning, Campbell?" He starts off with a sympathetic smile. I liked Dr. Jensen. He didn't stuff my face in a pile of bullshit, and he actually cared about me. My old psychotherapist quit about two months a go, and she was horrible and bitter. Jensen took her place and he's actually pretty good with everything.
"To be perfectly honest," I start. I look down to my hands. Jensen puts his pen down and gives me a curious expression. "Better than usual." I state. And it's perfectly true; Maya had sent a letter to Greenlake saying that she'd come visit today. They don't let visitors here too often, but Maya was able to charm her way to visiting me today.
"Maya's coming today." I say, smiling. Jensen jots a few things in his notepad before looking up at me.
"How is Maya?" He asks me with a smile, and this is starting to feel like a real conversation. I told Dr. Jensen about Maya and my suicide attempt, and it felt like he understood everything.
I smile at the image of Maya's happy face in my mind. "She's great. She's almost done with university. I'm so proud of her." My smile soon fades. "But sometimes I wonder why I get to have her." I look to Jensen writing on his papers. He gives me a look as if to say continue, and I do. "A pretty, smart, talented girl like Maya likes a suicidal freak like me. And I just don't understand."
"You're not a freak, Campbell." Jensen states.
"But sometimes I feel like I can never keep her safe, being here at Greenlake. I left my career to be here. I've been here a year and I'm hardly getting better. I'm a sick person. And I'm afraid of never recovering." I look back to my hands and fiddle with my thumbs.
"They said you'd get right back on the ice when you're done here, Cam. You're getting better faster than you know it, kid." Jensen states with a short laugh.
"Is that why I'm on suicide watch?" I mutter under my breath.
"You're not. Not anymore. I cleared that last week during our outside walk when you mentioned getting back on the ice." Jensen states. I remember that. He said something about hope curing me or something.
"Then why am I still here?" I ask flatly.
"Campbell, you have a little more than a case of depression that popping a few pills isn't going to fix. We need you here to get better. You deserve a life, kid. You know that."
I nod.
"So, tell me, did you have any dreams last night?" He asks. Another routine question.
I clench my jaw at the thought. "Yes."
"What did you dream about, Campbell?" He asks.
I am hesitant to respond. "My attempt. It, uh, it succeeded," I say. It was the usual. "I regret ever thinking suicide was the answer." I blurt out. I hadn't really opened up to him like that before. He quickly writes a few things on the pad.
"That's great to hear." He says, folding his hands and his wedding band catches the morning sunlight from the window.
"Did you ever feel like you don't deserve your wife?" I ask, gesturing to his wedding band. "If you don't mind answering." I say. Dr. Jensen had told me he had suffered from some severe clinical depression in his twenties, like me.
"Yes. I was afraid every moment that she would leave me. I wasn't as strong as you are, Campbell. You're a strong young man and you're getting better so fast. You'll be out of here before you know it." He says, twiddling his ring and smiling.
"I hope so. I want to go back home to Maya. She doesn't deserve being alone in our apartment." I say, imagining Maya sitting alone on our couch.
"So you two live together?" Jensen asks. I guess I haven't told him that before.
"Yeah, we got it in her third year of university. She was complaining about dorm girls... I guess we were ready, anyway. We've been together since she was in grade nine." I say.
"That's a long time." Jensen says.
"Well, I really love her." I say back.
"Darn right, ya do!" I hear Maya's voice and I look at the door where she stands in a knee-length white dress and flat shoes. Her blond waves fly wildly as she runs to my bed and she sets herself comfortably at my side. I give her a peck quickly on the lips and look back to Dr. Jensen, who, at this point, looks tremendously confused.
"Uh, Doctor Jensen, this is Maya. Maya, this is my psychotherapist." I say, gesturing accordingly. Maya extends her hand out and shakes Jensen's hand.
"You make Campbell very happy." Jensen tells her.
"Is that so?" Maya smirks and leans into me, and I put my arm around her waist.
"So Campbell, you're spending the day in the commons and outdoors, am I correct?" Jensen asks of our plans we'd made earlier as he gets up out of his chair. I nod. "It was nice meeting you, Maya." Jensen smiles at Maya.
"You too." Maya smiles back. And Jensen leaves. Maya kicks her legs up onto my lap and wraps her arms around my neck. "It's a good thing Greenlake doesn't look sad. This place looks like a resort, I'm jealous." She says giddily.
"Well it's not much of an escape." I say flatly.
"Cam..." Maya says quietly.
"Sorry, it just gets a little monotone after a while. I'm glad you're here." I say, and I lean in and kiss Maya on the lips and she pulls back and smiles.
"C'mon, get dressed, we have a breakfast to get to!" She says, excitedly, getting up from off of me.
"They don't give me much to wear. Just light wash jeans and boring white crew neck tees." I complain as I go through the small shelves of monotonous clothes above my bed.
"Then put them on and let's go!" Maya comes closer and shoves the clothes to me with a quirky smile. I smile at her and get dressed quickly in the washroom down the hall. I meet Maya back and take her hand as we go downstairs to the commons for breakfast or whatever. I've never been down in the commons before; and it's actually pretty cool, despite the fact of it being in a mental rehabilitation clinic.
Maya gets us simple breakfasts; toast and fruit. She looks up at me and breaks the silence between us.
"So how have you been?" Maya asks, trying hard not to prod.
I sigh. "This place sucks. I don't know how they expect us to get better when there's nothing to do."
Maya gives me a sarcastic look. "There is stuff to do, you just don't do it."
"Well I never feel like doing it, that's why I'm here in the first place. I want to leave and just come back to you at home." I say, thinking of the apartment I hardly moved in before my incident.
"I'm fine. Katie and Jake visit me sometimes and Tori's been coming over and spending nights. Tristan even came with his new boyfriend. I wish you could meet him. Everything's just about right, I just need you to try your hardest to get better. For us." Maya put her hand on mine and smiles at me sympathetically. I try to give her a smile back.
"Jensen says I'm getting better."
"That's because you are. Remember last time I came? You wanted no part of me." She says. And I do, that was three months or so a go. Back when I was still insane. I tried throwing a lamp at her, which she wasn't happy about. I didn't get her letters for a month.
"I'm really sorry, Maya." Is all I can say. What the hell, Cam?
"It's nothing. You're better, and that's all that matters." Maya says, finishing her meal and getting up to clear her place. I do the same, even though I'm not done.
After breakfast, we go outside to take a walk. We walk along the little pond, hand in hand, as Maya leans her head on my shoulder. We spend hours talking and walking and sitting. I'm way too lucky to have a girlfriend that visits me in a mental clinic. We go back inside and Ellie, one of Jensen's assistants, tells me that Jensen wanted us to go to his office for a session. So we do.
"Sit, please." Jensen says, gesturing to the compact couch against the wall. Maya takes my hand and pulls me to the over-stuffed red couch in his office. I sit and Maya scoots in closer to me and leans her head on my shoulder. Jensen smiles at us and crosses his legs. He isn't holding his papers or a pen or anything. "Campbell, do you know how long you've been here?" He starts.
"About a year..." I say.
"Campbell, it's time we start to let you go," Jensen says, with a trace of a smile creeping on his face. Maya lifts her head off my shoulder and looks at me, "You've been doing really well lately."
"'Go', like leave Greenlake?" I ask, leaning in.
Jensen smiles and lets out a hearty laugh. "Yes, Campbell!" He says. I smile and Maya looks at me, smiling toothily.
"So, like, when?" I ask excitedly.
"Today, we thought your girlfriend could help you?" Jensen gestures to Maya expectantly. She nods and her wavy hair bobs wildly. I get up and hug Jensen tightly and he pats my shoulder to break the hug.
"You'll still have to attend sessions at one of our Toronto branches, but you're no longer needed here. You're better." Jensen says, he smiles and we say our goodbyes. I end up having to do tons of paperwork for my leaving. Maya helps me gather the few belongings I have here and we leave in Maya's compact little Prius.
Back home, where I can be happy.
You know what would make my day? A review from you.