Alarums and Excursions
Disclaimer: I do not own any part of the Potterverse.
Author's Note: This has been running about in my head for a while. I had been planning to finish one of the other stories before starting it but it seems to really want to be written so here it is. It hasn't been Beta'ed but it has been read and checked for typos. If you spot any typos or other such errors please send a PM or leave a comment. Thank you.
Major edit in progress as of 7/28/2015.
Edit finished as of 7/31/2015.
The woman entering the grounds looked ugly. Partially because she was a middle-aged woman dressed in what looked like a nine year old's idea of party clothes and partially because she was immensely fat, but mainly because she was ugly. As she waddled toward the main doors of the castle cursing the wards that prevented her from just apparating in she passed a girl under an invisibility cloak. As she passed the girl pointed a wand out of the cloak and at her back.
In a precise, if soft, voice the girl said, "revelio animagia" and a yellow beam struck the struggling woman in the back. She gasped as the woman was replaced with a toad then grinned, "Ooh! My source was right!"
After looking around to make sure no one was looking she whistled sharply and stuck out an arm covered in a thick leather glove. Shortly a large snowy owl land on her gloved forearm and she cooed instructions to it. "Look Hedwig, it's lunch! See the pretty toad? Yummy, yummy."
The owl turned its head and gave her a look that said it did not approve of her use of baby talk but would do as she requested. It flew after the toad which was hopping madly toward the front doors and she pulled her arm back under the cloak.
Just after she did so the great double doors of the castle opened and three adults stepped out. The one in the middle was both tallest and eldest and he winced as the owl caught the toad and proceeded to devour it.
"Headmaster I fail to see why you called us out here," said the youngest of the three. "I was making sure Potter does nothing to disturb the Welcoming Feast."
The third figure snorted, "You mean you were staring at the boy Severus," she said. "If I didn't know better I'd worry about a grown man that obsessed with a teenage boy."
Severus sneered at this, "I'd rather be buggered by the crumpled horn of a snorkack Minerva."
"Now colleagues let us not fight," said the Headmaster. "I led you out here to welcome our newest DADA teacher but unfortunately it seems the curse is working overtime this year and she died before ever teaching her first class." He sighed, "I have no idea where I'll get a replacement this late."
"Albus!" Minerva looked shocked. "I can't believe you would be so callous."
"Oh Minerva, I'm not truly," he replied. "She was a marked deatheater who only escaped azkaban because of family connections. If you check her baggage later on I'm sure you'll find several banned items in it. I'd hoped I could reform her during the year and it is a shame but the only person who will truly miss her is Voldemort." He heaved a sigh and turned to go back in, "I do wonder what possessed her to arrive in her animagus form. Surely she knew what owls eat and that we have quite a few."
"It's all Potter's fault!" Severus Snape cried out with venom.
"How Severus?" Minerva replied acidly, "Do you think the boy you were staring at was a clone or that Potter has learned how to turn invisible? That would be magic above his grade level. Do you truly think him that gifted?"
After a sneer more impressive than the last one Severus Snape replied, "No! The boy is a cretin! He could not figure out how to disillusion himself even with help from Granger and the Weasley boy is worse."
"Then it wasn't him," she concluded reasonably. "Let's go start the feast Albus, this was just an owl doing what owls do."
The Headmaster nodded, "Yes, I believe you are right Minerva." As he strode back through the doors with her he asked, "Coming Severus?"
After a long look around the ground that revealed nothing Severus replied, "Yes, Headmaster, but I know that somehow it's all Potter's fault."
Hermione managed to make it back to her seat before Fred's spell image of her faded. She breathed a sigh of relief, "Did anyone seem to notice?"
Harry said, "Nope, Git #1 just stared at me like he was hoping I'd spontaneously combust."
Ginny smirked, "No suspicious twinkling from the barmy old codger and may I say I just love these codenames?"
Ron smirked back, "You may, and codename kitty was watching the twins and Lee not you so I think we're all clear."
"Good," Hermione said. "Afterward we get the first years to the tower I'll meet you all in the place."
"Then you'll tell us what happened outside?" Ginny asked.
"I'll tell you everything then," Hermione affirmed.
Ginny smiled, "I'll be there with bells on." Then seeing the look on Harry's face she smirked and snickered, "Care to share Potter? If it's good enough I might just decide to make whatever you're imagining come true one day."
Harry blushed, "Uh, nothing. Never mind."
Ginny snickered wickedly, "Oh, I'll guess it'll have to wait until after the wedding then. But don't forget it Harry. In fact you can keep a list and..."
She was drowned out by all three male Weasleys who were whistling loudly off-key with their fingers in their ears. When she stopped and glared Ron said, "We don't need to hear that Ginny! Keep it to yourself or if you must torment Harry with your plans for him at least do it when we're not around!"
Ginny poked her nearest brother, "You schlubs never leave me alone with him so I decided I'd just stop caring about the audience. At least as far as words go, although if you don't let up soon that may change."
Fred smirked at Harry's neon red blush, "Now you know why she gets dumped so often despite being so pretty Harry. All of her other boyfriends ran after 2-3 weeks last year, scared for their lives …" he trailed off and George continued, "Or what was left of their masculinity. We wish you the best of luck and would like to mention that our product line include armored athletic cups that are invisible and rated to take up to three strong hexes before failing."
Neville said, "What happened to warning boys to stay away from your sister?"
"Well we used to do that," George admitted.
"Then we wised up and realized our baby sister is made of dragon fang and hippogriff claws rather than sugar and spice," Fred added.
"We still warn them mind you," George continues, "we just warn them they are taking their lives in their hands and to make no sudden moves during a date."
"Oh come on guys," Harry said. "You're wildly exaggerating. Ginny is a little fiery true, but she's a great girlfriend and not dangerous."
Ron smirked, "Says the boy who shrugs off unforgivable curses like raindrops and steals eggs from a nesting dragon."
The headmaster stood to speak and they fell silent, "Welcome to another year at Hogwarts for all returning students and a special welcome to all new students. I was hoping to introduce your new Defense teacher but unfortunately she has been delayed. Until further notice I myself shall be teaching Defense." There was quite a bit of cheering over that especially among OWL and NEWT students. The students figured that they stood a good chance to learn a lot this year with such a famous and powerful wizard teaching. After the applause died down he made the usual announcements about the forest and Filch and then they could eat.
"I'm glad you aren't one of those girls who eat like a bird," Harry said to Ginny pointing over to Lavender who was slowly eating a salad while chatting with Parvati who had the same.
Looking up from her pork chop and over at the two girls Ginny smiled, "That wouldn't fly in the Weasley house," she said. "Mum wouldn't let anyone leave the table hungry even if they wanted to! I'm just glad I have the metabolism to handle it and stay slender."
Towards the end of the meal Professor McGonagall handed out schedules and upon reaching the group leaned in close and whispered, "The headmaster wishes to speak to you after you have guided the first years to Gryffindor tower. He directs me to inform you that he enjoys 'Laffy Taffy'." She straightened up and proceeded on her way.
"Oh bugger," Ron said.
Hermione punched his shoulder, "Language, Ron."
"Well," said Harry, "it doesn't necessarily mean he's on to us. Let's not worry until we hear what he has to say." Harry was one of the fifth year prefects along with Hermione Granger, as such it was their duty to lead new Gryffindors to their dorm and make sure they knew the password. So after the feast they gather up their charges and led the way up the stairs while the older prefects kept order among the returning students.
"Well that's our duties done," Harry said. "Shall we see what our dear old headmaster has to say?" He held out an arm to Ginny and after a poke or two Ron did the same for Hermione and they left along with Neville and the twins. He was thinking that at least Dumbledore didn't know about Luna's part in things but until he reached the office and saw that Luna was already there along with Severus Snape.
"Headmaster can I ask why Professor Snape is here? He isn't the deputy or the head of house for any of us."
Severus Snape sneered then shouted, "What's it to you, you arrogant brat!"
Albus Dumbledore's eyes were twinkling, "Now Severus the boy has a point. Please excuse us while I chat with these students."
Snape stood, "Fine, but mark my words, Potter will screw it up! Whatever you are planning it won't go right with a Potter involved." He swept out of the room in a billow of black robes.
Albus Dumbledore sighed then looked Harry in the eyes, "For the record then, Harry do you know anything about what happened to our most recent DaDA professor?"
Harry truthfully replied, "I have no idea what happened to her Professor." He knew this was why Hermione had insisted on not telling him her plans. Dumbledore had some sort of magic that allowed him to tell truth from fiction. She called it "plausible deniability" and said it came from muggle politics. Harry had never heard the term but was not surprised since he never got to read papers or watch news at Privet Drive.
"Fine. I won't even ask who turned all of Professor Snape's underwear pink," the headmaster said and ignored the snickers following that statement. "I do however wish to mention that I had been making plans to assure you had advanced training but I had been thinking of after you had all completed your O.W.L.s." He sighed, "I see that I was wrong in that. You have all clearly demonstrated that you are ready for advanced instruction now. I will have finalize a few agreements and call in a few favors. It will take approximately one week. Can you all," he paused to scowl briefly at all of them, "refrain from causing any more accidents until then?"
"Yes Professor," they all chorused.
"Very well," he said. "Then there will be no repercussions for any of you from this afternoon. Please be packed and in my office by nine Ante Meridian on Saturday morning. Dismissed."
They left and discussed what he might possibly mean as they made their way back to their dorms.
"What'd he mean by Ante whatever it was?" Ron asked.
"He meant in the morning Ron," Hermione replied.
"Oh," Ron said peeved, "Why didn't just say so then?"
She shrugged, "It's what A.M. stands for but if you really need to know why he said it that way you'll have to ask him."