To all government agents out there I do not own any X-Men Evolution Characters. This is just a piece of madness from my mind because there's nothing good on television. You know how real life events tend to inspire my writing? Well if you've been paying attention you gotta wonder how this affects not only the X-Men and the Brotherhood, but those poor government agents assigned to them.
Listen I Don't Want To Know a Secret
It all started as many things start in the Brotherhood House. With the Brotherhood Boys sitting around watching TV. This time they were watching the news.
"So they're saying that this guy used to work for the government and the government is spying on people," Fred blinked. "Not just bad guys, everybody. Am I right?"
"That was the gist of the news story, yes Freddy," Lance sighed. "The government is watching everyone."
"Who do they think they are?" Todd asked. "Richard Nixon?"
"I'm just saying I expected this sort of stuff from the last administration," Pietro said. "Not this one."
"The ACLU is always saying that the government should listen to the people," Lance remarked. "If you think about it that's just what they're doing."
"The Animal Crossing Lovers Union said that?" Todd blinked.
"Yeah, that's who I'm talking about Toad," Lance groaned. "Then again there should be some people the government shouldn't listen to!"
"I don't know why you people are so shocked," Pyro said. "Come on. TMZ can get anybody's text messages and phone conversations. It's not that much of a stretch the government does too."
"What I'm shocked about is that they never did a background check on this guy," Lance remarked. "Although you must admit it does give hope to fellow high school dropouts everywhere."
"The government really should have screened the guy better," Todd said. "He was obviously not qualified for the job. Come on! One of the first rules of being a spy is to listen to everything you hear and report on it! The second rule, don't tell anybody you're listening to everything they hear and reporting on it! It's not that hard!"
"I think they teach that in college," Pyro remarked.
"Well there you go," Todd gestured.
"Wait, these guys are just spying on everyone's phones and computers looking for criminals?" Fred blinked.
"No Blob," Pietro rolled his eyes. "They're looking for the location of the Abominable Snowman."
"Guys this isn't good," Fred said nervously.
"What do you mean?" Pyro asked.
"They're spying on everyone's phones! Think about it!" Fred snapped.
"Why? Ooooooooooohhhhh…" The realization hit Pietro like a ton of bricks.
"Yeah Oh!" Fred told them. "We're part of everyone right?"
"Technically," Todd blinked. Then it hit him. "Uh oh."
"And since the government says that they are only using them to hunt down criminals and terrorists…" Fred went on. "Considering our lifestyle odds are…"
"This could be a problem," Lance realized.
Somewhere in a secret location.
"Okay let me see if I get this straight," A dark haired clean cut man in a gray suit looked over some files. "Within the past seventy two hours the mutant gang known as The Brotherhood of Mutants made over 258 calls and sent out over ten thousand text messages. Let's break this down. Read it off Maxwell."
A blond government agent in a suit and black shades went over it. "The following calls were made by one Lance 'Avalanche' Alvers. Three calls to the Xavier Institute, one call to Dial A Prayer apparently to wish for the death of one Scott Summers, one call to the local pet store to ask about frog removal from drains, Three calls to the Helpful Heloise Hotline inquiring about removal of fruit, slime and explosion stains. Two crank calls to one Edward Kelly. And another call to the police warning them about one Katherine Pryde about her driving…"
"He also sent and received over 150 text messages mostly to Katherine 'Kitty' Pryde of the Xavier Institute and five votes for American Idol," The dark haired agent read the report.
"Some of them were of a threatening nature Archer," Maxwell frowned. "But they are not half as disturbing as the phone calls from the other members of the Brotherhood Gang. The three phone calls from Wanda Maximoff AKA the Scarlet Witch all go to her father, mutant terrorist Magneto. She also apparently ordered a book online 'How to Commit Fratricide And Get Away With It'."
"Which leads us to her twin brother, Pietro 'Quicksilver' Maximoff," Archer read the list. "Five calls to his father Magneto, three of them promptly cut off on Magneto's end. Made several phone calls to various clothing stores apparently to complain about their style. Three more crank calls to Edward Kelly. Twenty five calls to many local teenage girls around the town of Bayville. Received fifteen calls from their angry boyfriends. Ten calls from angry fathers or other male relatives."
"I notice he also made some calls placing orders to Firecracker World and a hardware store as well as Sewing Style a fabric store," Maxwell read the list.
"He also made a few calls to the Xavier Institute…A real popular place," Archer went on. "Then made a call to Animal Control, something about skunks and how to remove them. And six calls to American Idol."
"He's also got a blog on mutant style which honestly is only a crime against fashion," Maxwell shrugged. "The last three members of the Brotherhood worry me the most."
"Fred AKA The Blob Dukes," Archer looked at the file. "Oh boy. According to this he made a phone call to his Uncle Dave Dukes in California."
"AKA Dave the Crave Dukes? One of the biggest pot producers on the black market?" Maxwell asked.
"That's the one. He also made a call to his Aunt Shirley. Apparently she's entered some kind of beauty pageant," Archer explained.
"Is she the one in the Russian Mafia or the Mexican Mafia?"
"Neither, she's currently a freelance mercenary working for a Columbian Cartel. She came in third of the Ms. Ballistic Missile Competition. And apparently she did not take losing well," Archer winced. "Currently wanted for the murder of two judges and a fellow contestant."
"She came in third? Yikes," Maxwell looked at a picture. "She's got a beard! She's lucky she placed at all!"
"Wait until you take a look at Aunt Ralph's picture," Archer groaned. "You'll have nightmares for weeks! Who by the way is also wanted by the authorities for counterfeiting and made a call to Blob earlier in the week."
"So basically the gist of things is that the entire Duke family is wanted by law enforcement?" Maxwell asked.
"You assume correctly Sir," Archer groaned. "Dukes doesn't text but he did make a few more phone calls. Three to a BBQ Radio Show as a call in viewer. Apparently he's a regular. A call by the state board of health…"
"He called to complain about a restaurant?" Maxwell asked.
"No, they called him to ask if he would stop going to certain restaurants," Archer groaned. "Particularly the all you can eat ones."
"Ah I see," Maxwell nodded.
"Apparently he's put quite a few of them out of business over the years," Archer shrugged. "And a few more phone calls from some other relatives in the moonshine business."
"It's obvious he's more than the muscle of the group," Maxwell frowned. "He's got connections."
"Apparently so does this Todd 'The Toad' Tolanksy," Archer showed him another file. "Apparently he's friends with Webber 'Arcade' Torque."
"Isn't he that kid who shut down Wall Street for an afternoon and then hacked into Mindy Mohan's e-mail?" Maxwell asked.
"That's the one," Archer sighed. "And yes, he is responsible for starting that Twitter war with Tiffany Weapons and that altercation between the two women in that restaurant."
"So he's still on the run huh?"
"They can't find him at all," Archer sighed. "Although according to his e-mail with Toad he is having a 'family' vacation in Mexico. Even though his parents mysteriously disappeared around the same time Torque went missing and their entire bank account was transferred to a secret bank account in Switzerland."
"Oh boy…" Maxwell groaned.
"Here's some more fun intelligence about Toad," Archer sighed as he looked over the paperwork. "And I use that term loosely. He made a call to Gnome World and placed an order for thirty gnomes to be delivered to the Xavier Institute and another thirty to be placed on Edward Kelly's lawn."
"According to this he's also made calls to the Animal Crossing Lover's Union, The Xavier Institute, Fireworks R Us," Maxwell looked at the sheet. "And he's received a call from the Frog Liberation Brigade."
"Aren't those the nuts who save frogs from dissection while wearing frog costumes?" Archer asked.
"The very same," Maxwell nodded. "According to this not only is Toad a member, he recommended the services of Torque."
"Which explains how half the funds of Bayville High School ended up in the Frog Liberation Brigade pocket and how the entire third floor ended being filled up with chocolate pudding last week," Archer groaned.
"The pieces of the puzzle seem to come together," Maxwell nodded.
"And Toad also made several calls to several networks begging for the return of the cartoon show Adventures of the Galaxy Rangers," Archer pointed out. "He's also an avid member of the Galaxy Ranger International Fan Club and has written several fan fictions about that show. Some co-written by Kurt 'Nightcrawler' Wagner of the Xavier Institute."
"He's a fan fiction writer? What a sicko," Maxwell winced.
"But the piece de resistance is St. John 'Pyro' Alderyce," Archer showed him. "Back in Australia he's wanted for fifteen cases of arson, 6 cases of theft, three cases of fraud, illegal sheep shearing in a public bathroom, assault against a wallaby, and destroying a fruit stand with a mallet."
"That's some rap sheet."
"And that was just for one afternoon at a mall," Archer finished. "His actual rap sheet is in a folder over there. One of the really thick ones."
"So what was in his calls?" Maxwell asked.
"Well for starters Pyro made several threatening phone calls to the World Pineapple Association claiming they are a front for an alien invasion," Archer read. "Placed an order with an organization called Python Post Office to deliver live snakes to Edward Kelly and some of his relatives in Australia."
"Yikes," Maxwell winced.
"Another call to the Animal Crossing Lovers Union," Archer read. "Three votes for American Idol. A vote for some show called Barbecuing With the Stars. Some more calls to the Xavier Institute. Calls to Fireworks R Us and Barbecue Nation for fireworks, propane tanks, lighters, lighter fuel, and barbecue sauce. A call to someone named Fingers Malone, apparently a bookie slash publishing agent."
"Publishing agent?"
"He's a writer. Here's a copy of his latest manuscript we obtained via e-mail," Archer showed Maxwell.
"Okay that has got to go under some kind of pornography law," Maxwell's eyes widened as he read it. "Are we going to serve a warrant to arrest these maniacs?"
"Sure as soon as the legal department finishes going through the judge's e-mail," Archer shrugged.
"I tell you what this Mutant Division you see some crazy characters." Maxwell groaned.
"Eh still beats working in the celebrity department," Archer shrugged. "I'll take these maniacs over Miranda Wynes and Harley Steen any day."
At that very moment back at the Brotherhood House….
"So Big Brother really is watching us," Fred said. "And I don't mean the fun reality show."
"Yeah if they're monitoring our phone calls and texts…" Pietro winced. "This could be bad. Very, very bad."
"Anybody want to take an impromptu vacation to Belize?" Pyro asked.
"I'll go pack," Todd got up and went to his room.
"Yeah a change of scenery might do us some good," Lance agreed. "Let's all go to Belize!"
"Before we all go to prison," Pietro nodded.
"Could be worse," Todd called out. "We could be the X-Men."
"Oh right," Lance snickered.
At that moment at the Xavier Institute…
"No Agent Boswell, I have no idea why the Brotherhood would call us after placing several orders to fireworks stores and Bombs R Us," Charles Xavier was starting to get a headache.
"Those lunatics are nuts!" Logan snapped at the serious looking agent with red hair and a grey suit. "We can't control what they do no matter how hard we try."
"But you can control your students?" Agent Boswell raised an eyebrow.
"Most of the time," Logan winced.
"Logan," Xavier glared at him. "Agent Boswell the X-Men are here as agents of good. To promote peace between humans and mutants."
"Spare me the lecture Xavier we've heard it all before," Agent Boswell waved. "Care to explain a certain joyride your students took a few years ago in your X-Jet that put the Eastern Seaboard on high alert?"
"How did you find that out?" Logan snapped.
"It was in one Bobby Drake's e-mails to one of his online friends," Agent Boswell looked at his notes.
"Drake has an active imagination," Logan waved.
"Apparently so do you," Agent Boswell gave him a look. "You have called the Xavier Institute several times in the past and mentioned, 'Crazier than the time the kids took a joyride in the X-Jet and put the Eastern Seaboard on high alert.'"
"Wait you're monitoring our phone conversations?" Logan blinked. "That can't be legal right?"
"Legal enough," Agent Boswell shrugged. "Besides you're a group of mutants that formed a vigilante paramilitary group that is not affiliated with the government. Did you really think we wouldn't notice you guys placing an order for anti-aircraft missiles and jet fuel?"
"Uh…." Logan was at a loss for words.
"Not to mention all the other strange purchases you make. Why on earth would you need to place an order for twenty cases of shampoo a week?" Agent Boswell asked.
"Well we tend to go through it very fast," Xavier sighed. "I don't use it myself obviously but a lot of people here do."
"Hank and the Elf go through at least a bottle day," Logan admitted. "You know? Fur?"
"You also ordered over the phone a ton of medication from Canada concerning the treatment for stomach cramps, diarrhea and migraines," Agent Boswell looked at the list he had.
Xavier looked at Logan. "What? Is it my fault Canada has a better health care system than you guys do?" Logan snapped.
"There are also all these orders for flamethrowers, buzz saws, laser guidance systems…" Agent Boswell looked over the files.
"For the Danger Room," Logan interrupted. "To train young mutants how to use their powers."
"You need to restock buzz saws and flamethrowers twice a week to teach mutant how to use their powers?" Agent Boswell asked incredulously.
"Yeah well a lot of them aren't very good at control," Logan admitted.
"And this outgoing phone call pops up a lot to a Fingers Malone a well-known bookie affiliated with the Brotherhood," Agent Boswell pointed out. "Care to explain that?"
"Multiple is probably running a few betting pools again," Logan groaned.
"Are you saying you are letting a minor gamble, Mr. Logan?" Agent Boswell asked.
"No. He just runs the betting pools," Logan waved. Then realized what he said. "For…candy. Children are betting candy. For…Go Fish games and Chutes and Ladders."
"Logan please don't help," Xavier winced.
"Now let's go back to the Brotherhood and all the calls that go back and forth from there to here. You do realize they have ties to organized crime right?" Agent Boswell asked.
"Those idiots aren't organized about anything," Logan protested. "Let alone crime."
"Oh really? Then how to you explain this call you made Mr. Logan to this individual," Agent Boswell pointed to a file. "By the way this person happens to be wanted in five states for everything from smuggling to operating a counterfeit Beanie Baby black market."
"That's the last time I ask the Blob for a barbecue recipe," Logan winced.
"Of course we at the government are really concerned about all this contact Professor Xavier has with Magneto, a known terrorist!" Agent Boswell snapped.
"Uh we play chess on the phone," Xavier admitted. "A lot."
"Can't you just use your telepathy?" Logan asked.
"He's always wearing that helmet! I can't into it!" Xavier snapped. "He either comes here in person or he calls me!"
"Likely story," Agent Boswell snapped. "What about these phone calls and text messages to Tony Stark, Reed Richards, Dr. Steven Strange…? And one other guy we can't identify. A Mr. B. Bolt?"
"Poker buddies," Xavier said with a straight face. "We play poker. Online. A lot."
"This B. Bolt we can't find. In fact there are only text messages from some unknown location," Agent Boswell frowned. "Who is he?"
"Uh I met him at a meeting," Xavier was trying to be calm.
"What kind of meeting?" Agent Boswell asked acidly.
"AA," Xavier tried to be convincing.
"That explains all the cases of liquor you order every month," Agent Boswell frowned as he looked at the list.
"Look why don't you talk to Fury? The head of SHIELD?" Logan asked. "He can explain all of this."
"Who do you think gave you up to save their butts?" Agent Boswell asked.
"One of these days Fury…" Logan gritted his teeth.
"Now let's go into the calls your students made," Agent Boswell went on.
"Now hold on! This is going beyond the pale," Xavier spoke up. "These are minors you are talking about. They need to have their rights protected! They haven't done anything…"
"Besides the vandalism, taking out a fighter jet for a joyride and letting loose some killer dinosaur demons at the Sadie Hawkins Dance?" Agent Boswell spoke up.
"I knew that stupid dance incident would bite us in the…" Logan grumbled.
"Let's go through some of the calls your innocent students made," Agent Boswell pointed out. "Like the ones this Rogue girl makes once a week to a Mr. Remy LeBeau aka Gambit who is a well-known member of the Thieves' Guild and on Interpol's Most Wanted List!"
"Uh…" Xavier began.
"Gumbo…" Logan hissed.
"And all these calls Miss Kitty Pryde has made to the Brotherhood," Agent Boswell pointed out. "Particularly to Lance Alvers?"
"Just a harmless teenage crush," Xavier tried to wave it off. "Nothing illegal there."
"We have records of her threatening to kill Mr. Alvers in some very graphic detail," The agent said. "Not to mention several death threats from one Scott Summers."
"Oh crap," Logan groaned. "We're screwed."