I need him. I hate the need for him that cripples me, makes me weaker with every breath I draw into my lungs. Hate that he has broken me, made me something not whole unless I am with him. I need him and I hate him for the need. I can no longer speak without wondering if he'd approve, if it would make him proud. And yet, as much as I hate the need for him, I would not change it. He has taken the pieces left by others and put them back together, made it as if I were never once broken beyond repair. He knows when I come close to that breaking point again and yanks me from the razors edge. For better or worse, he is the only thing that can heal me now. If he bid me go, I would not make it past the door without losing hold on my serenity. He is the one thing that I know, that keeps me sane and safe always. He holds my life in his palm always. We need each other as fire needs oxygen to burn. If we were smart, they say, we would walk away. If we were smart, we'd hate each other, what the other has made us become. If we were smart, I say, we would never have let them near us to begin with. I will always hate the need for him to some extent but I will always love him more than I hate the need, of this I am sure.
She consumes me. She overtakes my every thought until I can no longer form coherent words. I loathe that I depend on her to hold my brokenness together. I should depend on no one, yet this woman has brought me to my knees and then raised me up, whole again , if only for a moment. She thinks it is I who heals her, she could not be more wrong. Her brokenness was simple to fix, easy to spot and heal, Mine hides in the depth of my soul, shrinking from love and light. I should be the one with all control, yet with a simple touch she destroys my tenuous grip on sanity. She is mine, thank god, for she is the only balm capable of soothing my soul. I loathe the need for her, yet cannot loathe her. She is goodness, she is warmth, she is light in a world so dark and cold. She believes me to be the one with all the power. If only she knew how much control she had. She can walk away, but I cannot. If she leaves I know I will shatter, this time beyond any hope of repair. So I will do what I can to keep her here with me, and delay the leaving, if only for a little while