SUMMARY: She says she is fine, yet behind locked doors she is nothing but broken. Survival is sometimes the hardest story. Post Frostbite. trigger warning for self harm.
CHAPTER ONE || fragile
"Rose, I've been looking for you."
I turn around and see Mason. He isn't smiling, but the sight of him sends waves of relief and through my body. I almost fall to my knees with shock and confusion, but manage to stand still.
Mason is one of my best friends. He's always been there for me, no matter what. He always makes me happy. He's dead, but he's here. My best friend is here with me.
"Mase?" I whisper. My voice almost cracks, so I swallow and push back my emotions. "I thought you were dead." I smile suddenly, thinking he's fine, he's alive.
"Come here. I need to tell you something." His face is strangely impassive, the words almost spoken robotically. But that doesn't matter. His gentle red hair and quiet blue eyes assure me that he is real. Without thinking, I take the short two strides to meet him and wrap my arms around his shoulders. He isn't warm like I expected, but he still smells like Mason- safe and protecting. I close my eyes, breathing him in.
It takes me a few moments to notice he has not moved. Instead of holding me like usual, his arms are still and stiff by his sides. "Mase?" I open my eyes, finally taking in my surroundings. We're in Spokane, bounded by dark walls. The floor is smeared with blood.
I try to jerk out of his arms, but suddenly he is holding me in an almost vice-like clutch. His fingers are gripping my arms so tightly that I begin to wince. "Mason." I mutter. I try to slap him, but he doesn't budge. I'm locked in his metal embrace, my blood pounding like the fear that is shooting through my body. "Mason!"
I cry out when he presses the sharp end of a stake against the back of my neck. His eyes are no longer quiet, but screaming, Deadly and without mercy; he has the eyes of a killer. I whimper at the burning feeling of the stake and he pushes it even harder.
My knees fold out from underneath me, my whole body withering from the stabbing sensation. "Why?" I cry out, my eyes burning.
"It's all your fault. You killed me!"
I feel the stake as it pierces my skin. My scream is cut from my throat, stuck on the stake as if it holds broken barbed wire. Everything goes red. It hurts so much; I can't even make a noise. I just fall to the ground, shaking and shuddering and choking on tainted blood.
You killed me.
I wake up feeling drained. I look at the alarm clock beside me and cringe when I notice I've only had a couple hours sleep. It's been like this for the last few days. Sleep is pretty much unattainable now that I'm constantly plagued by nightmares.
The school is forcing me back into training today, which should be considered some type of child cruelty. I groan and push myself out of bed, persuading myself that I can face the day.
"Hey there, comrade." I force a smile and walk into the training room. I try to ignore the fact that I'm tempted to crawl on the floor and go to sleep, but the practise mats are looking increasingly comfy.
Dimitri turns and gives me a small smile when he spots me. His hair is tied back from his face; a few lose strands hanging over his eyes. He brushes them back and goes to stand in front of me. His eyes become immediately concerned, so I nervously glance down to the floor. Embarrassment floods my cheeks when I realize how much of a mess I look like. My eyes are dangerously shadowed; not even Lissa's magic concealer could save me from this one. Not to mention my hair is pulled back in a damp ponytail- the ends still matted together and in need of a strong brush.
"It's so much easier to train after a good night's sleep." He sighs.
I nod and give him another smile, hoping I'm more convincing this time. He guides me along beside him, his warm hard resting on my lower back. Guilt makes me want to pull away from him- Mason would be sad to see somebody else by my side.
"20 laps of the field. We'll run together." Dimitri tells me. I know he's going easy on me, but I push back the annoyance the best that I can. We warm up quickly and step outside. It's freezing, but I bite back the cold. As we run, the steady burn warms up my body. I pump my legs and arms at a comfortable pace. We stop too soon, but Dimitri says that he doesn't want me to 'wear myself out'.
"I'm not going to die if I do a few more laps," I complain- wanting to release all my negativity into a longer run.
"It's cold. We should practice with stakes." He passes me one from inside of his bag and I take it gently.
A shudder runs through me when I remember the feel of it on my neck, the cold blood running down my back and staining my skin.
"Are you cold, Rose?" Dimitri asks. When I look up, he has a careful face of concern.
"Stop it." I tell him, sadness accidentally weaving it's way into my words. "Stop treating me like I'm some fragile little girl." I immediately regret my words, knowing he's just caring about me, but don't bother to take them back. All he has done since I have got here is look at me with his 'I'm just concerned' face. I can handle a run, a fight, anything. He knows that really. All everyone has done since I have returned is worry about me, and I realize now that I am sick of it.
I don't realize I'm crying until it is too late. Dimitri softly cups my face in his hands and forces my eyes to meet his. "You can act like you're okay, Roza, but I know you are hurting. You can talk to me."
I get the sudden urge to tell him the truth. Dimitri has always understood me, no matter how seemingly small the problem. Swallowing back my pride of staying strong, I let my words fall out of my mouth.
"I don't want to be weak." My vision blurs with tears as I speak. I sniffle feebly. "I'm scared that I'll never be happy again. Nothing will ever be the same... Mase always knew how to fix everything... he knew how to make everyone laugh." I killed him, it's my fault.
Dimitri wraps me in his arms, shielding me. I start to shake, feeling I'm disrespecting Mason by being in his arms. "Everything's going to be okay. I promise."
"No. It's not." I sob, pushing him away. "That's all everyone is telling me, but they don't know anything." His words annoy me. I've heard them repeated so many times this past week that they just mean nothing to me.
Dimitri reaches out to me, like the distance hurts him. I slap away his hand, taking another step back. "You don't know anything." I tell him. "All I can feel is just… this."
"Feel what?" He whispers. He's afraid of my reply. More guilt wracks my body with sobs- I shouldn't be bothering him with this. I'll just frighten him away.
"Roza? What do you feel?" His eyes are kind, so I look away once again. I don't deserve his kindness. "Roza."
I hear his footsteps coming towards me, and then his lips are on mine. He pulls away almost instantly, but he's still holding my face. I want to cry harder, but instead I speak.
"Guilt. Nothing but guilt. Nothing at all. I'm empty."
A/N Hello! This is my first ever Vampire Academy fanfiction, so I hope you enjoy it. It's quite hard for me to write some of it, but I will try my best. It should have really quick updates (everyday, I'm aiming for) and be finished as soon as I can. Some parts will be a bit OOC, just because I find it really difficult to write exact characters. Also, some parts will not be completely accurate. For example, when Mason died, his ghost only stayed for 30 days (I think) but I'll use the idea that he can only leave the Earth when his soul has found peace. Just go with it. ;) Also, to make the story fit, Rose and Lissa have pretty much figured out the bond- so they know about the darkness and Rose taking it away.
Reviews and constructive criticism would be lovely!
Also, sorry my summary is a bit bland at the moment. I'm trying to think of a better one. :)