Title: Wolfram & Hart Phone Directory Service Pt2.
Author: Lawrence Payne
Timeline: Angel any season
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: I own nothing. A whole slew of other people own these characters and concepts.
Comments: Constructive feedback is always appreciated. :)
Archiving: If you want to, sure. Feel free. Just tell me if you do.
Authors Notes: Since this was so popular the first time around, I decided to do another one.
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"Welcome to the Wolfram & Hart automated phone directory service."
"For instructions in English. Press 1."
"Para instrccion en Espanol. Te Uso 2."
"Graaa Phaa Teellosss. Daaa Cooo 0."
BEEP
"You selected English."
"This call is being monitored. If you leave the phone or hang up before your business is completed, your name and address will be forwarded to our extermination squad."
"Main Menu."
"If you know your parties extension. Enter it at any time."
"For directory assistance. Press 1."
"For a list of available services. Press 2."
"For evil deeds done at competitive rates. Press 3."
BEEP
"You selected Evil Deeds."
"To have a business associate and/or random persons brutally beaten. Press 1."
"To have a business associate and/or random persons killed. Press 2."
"To have a business competitors family member kidnapped. Press 3."
"To sell your soul to Wolfram & Hart, Satan, or another third party dealer. Press 4."
"To make a payment in kittens. Press 5."
"For information on our demon and vampire rental program. Press 6."
"To inquiry about our immortality and personal resurrection programs. Press 7."
"To sacrifice a loved one or a pet as part of an account payment. Press 8."
"To sacrifice a loved one or a pet for pleasure. Press 9."
"To talk to an operator. Press 0."
"To hear these options again. Press #."
"To return to the previous menu. Press "
BEEP
"You pressed 1, having a business associate and/or random persons brutally beaten."
"To select having business associates beaten. Press 1."
"To select having specific persons or known individuals who are not business associates beaten. Press 2."
"To select having random persons beaten. Press 3."
"To hear these options again. Press #."
"To return to the previous menu. Press "
BEEP
"You pressed 3, having random persons beaten."
"Wolfram & Hart will charge $10 US dollars or 1 kitten as per the current kitten exchange rate for every person or persons you want beaten."
"Enter the number of random people you want beaten followed by the pound sign."
7#
"7 random people in various cities will be beaten as per your selection."
"Wolfram & Hart offers a variety of services and features to make your selection more enjoyable."
"For an additional fee of $20 US dollars or 2 kittens as per the current kitten exchange rate, Wolfram & Hart will record the beatings and deliver the finished recording directly to your residence or crypt."
"Wolfram & Hart also offers a wide variety of assailant types."
"You can select between human or vampire assailants, or can make your selection from a wide range of demons and hellspawns."
"To select this option Press 1."
BEEP
"Additional services selected."
"You can select from a wide range of recording options including all digital and analog formats."
"To record the beatings on DVD. Press 1."
"To record the beatings on Super Video CD. Press 2."
"To record the beatings on VHS tape. Press 3."
"To hear these options again. Press #."
"To return to the previous menu. Press ."
BEEP
"You selected DVD recording."
"Your account has been billed $30 US dollars or 3 kittens as per the current kitten exchange rate."
"You must now select the assailants."
"To select human assailants. Press 1."
"To select vampire assailants. Press 2."
"To select Deevak Demons. Press 3."
"To select Kaliff Demons. Press 4."
"To select Voynok Demons. Press 5."
BEEP
"You selected Kaliff Demons. Several Kaliff Demons will be dispatched from their hell dimension immediately. $90 US dollars or 9 kittens as per the current kitten exchange rate has been billed to your account. Your DVD will arrive in 2 to 3 business days."
"Main Menu."
"If you know your parties extension. Enter ...."
BEEP
"You selected Evil Deeds."
"To have a business associate and/or random persons brutally beaten. Press 1."
"To have a business associate and/or random persons killed. Press 2."
"To have a business competitors family member kidnapped. Press 3."
"To sell your soul to Wolfram & Hart, Satan, or another third party dealer. Press 4."
"To make a payment in kittens. Press 5."
BEEP
"You selected making a payment in kittens."
"Enter your 16 digit account number followed by the pound sign."
6660 1234 5564 9101#
"Enter your PIN number now."
1234
"Your current balance is: -12 kittens."
"Your previous balance is: 0 kittens."
"Your account status is: Good."
"Enter the number of kittens you are depositing followed by the pound sign."
12#
"12 kittens will be credited to your account."
"You have 2 days to produce the felines."
"Failure to deliver said felines will result in your name and address being forwarded to our extermination squad."
"You may deposit your kittens in person at any one of our local branch offices or you can ship them UPS Next Day Delivery in one of our special kitten delivery kits."
"If one or all of your kittens dies while in transport, you will be delinquent in your payment and your name and address will be forwarded to our extermination squad."
"If one or all of your kittens ages to the point of adulthood while in transport, you will be delinquent in your payment and your name and address will be forwarded to our extermination squad."
"If you use a delivery service other than UPS, your name and address will be forwarded to our extermination squad."
"If you do not use the special kitten delivery kit, your name and address will be forwarded to our extermination squad."
"Your account will be updated in three to five business days."
"Thank you for using the Wolfram & Hart automated phone directory service and have a nice day."
Dial tone.
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Authors Notes #2: I know what you're thinking. How can Wolfram & Hart charge $20/2 kittens for the additional services and still tack on a hidden charge of $30/3 kittens for the DVD without losing or alienating their customers? Just remember, Wolfram & Hart has the most competitive rates for evil deeds in the world. They also offer more features, payment methods, and local branch offices then their two biggest competitors, Microsoft and Phillip Morris.
That and the fact that they are evil.