Good day boys and girls! I, the great Kyuu-chan, am here to bring you yet another one of my crazy crack filled one-shots! I won't say much about it, only that I was inspired to write this by one of my dad's super hilarious dinner table stories. Oh goodness I think I just about died when I first heard the story and honestly it never gets old. I hope you all enjoy!
Disclaimer: If I can't even figure out what time period Naruto is supposed to occur in then I'm pretty sure I don't own Naruto.
Haruno Sakura had two best friends in the whole entire world. Their names were Naruto and Sasuke and they were an irreplaceable part of her life. Naruto was like the sun and Sasuke the moon. Polar opposites but she couldn't live without them. Even though the trio of friends had their differences, they stuck together like glue so it was no surprise to anyone when the three moved in together after highschool.
Speaking of differences, Sasuke had a dog.
They all had pets but Sasuke's pet especially irked Sakura. He had a tiny, black, tea-cup poodle named Tomato. Naruto thought it was an extremely unoriginal and stupid name but this was coming from the blonde who named his precious toad "Gama-chan." It wasn't the name that bothered Sakura, however Naruto had been spot-on when he insulted Tomato's name, but the damn dog itself. She absolutely loathed that, rat. She honestly couldn't fathom what compelled Sasuke to buy a lap dog of all things but apparently lap dogs were common in the prestigious Uchiha clan.
Psh whatever, this only further proved her theory that most Uchiha men were gay.
Sakura considered herself by all means an animal lover but to call that yippy monstrosity an animal was defiantly pushing it.
Sakura preferred her large Hokkaido, Reikokuna. At least her dog was practical. Her dog's history could be traced back hundreds of years, hunting alongside their human masters with ferocious enthusiasm and guarding the families as they slept in the night.
See Sasuke? Her dog could actually do something. Reikokuna would guard the house and Sakura with his life. What would Tomato do? Yap his head off at an intruder and then piss on someone's shoes.
Sakura liked to think she wouldn't have such a huge problem with the dog if Sasuke stopped letting it sleep in her damn bed. That damn rat dog would go and shit on her pillows! Her motherfucking pillows! No matter how many times Sakura threw the dog outside or yelled and complained at Sasuke, his answer was always the same.
"He is simply marking his territory Sakura, you should feel honored."
Honored her ass. Sasuke wasn't the one who had to go buy new pillows and clean up dog shit twenty-four seven.
Fortunately for Sakura, or maybe not so fortunately, all that was about to change.
Sakura sighed tiredly as she dragged her heavy body out of the hospital before someone could call her back. She had just pulled a back-to-back shift and then an extra few hours because the hospital had been thrown into chaos, once again might she add, by the multiple emergencies that had been called in.
Sometimes she didn't really know why she chose to work in the hospital located in one of the major cities of the state with crime rates that were ridiculously high compared to other cities or countries for that matter.
She sluggishly made her way to her car, more or less crawling rather than walking. When she reached her car, she unlocked the door and slid into her worn leather seat with a contented sigh. Pulling a grueling hospital shift really helped her appreciate the small things in life, like how comfy her car was. She was prepared to sleep in the car right there and then but then her cell phone buzzed, obnoxiously playing the speedy remix of Caramelldansen.
"Naruto..."
She might as well see what he wanted or she would be hearing Caramelldansen all the way home.
To: Saku-chan
From: Naru Naru-chan
Subject: DineR
-Sakura-chaaaannnnn! U cokin 2 nite? Git RAMEN fer teh cupberd!
P.S. Y isnt Gama-chan moving?-
She blew her messy pink strands out of her face as she tried to decipher Naruto's poorly written text message. Her eyes widened a bit as she saw the post script written below.
Oh Kami-sama, don't tell her Gama-chan was dead. She'd be in for a long night if that was the case. Her phone buzzed again, this time playing some American screamo song Sasuke seemed to enjoy.
To: Saku-chan
From: Ducky-chan
Subject: The toad
-Sakura. The toad is not dead. Naruto was looking at the cardboard cut-out, again. Don't buy anymore ramen for that idiot, it's a waste of money. Pick up some tomatoes at the store. Also Tomato needs some more dog treats.-
Sakura scowled darkly as she read Sasuke's text. Since when was she going to the store? She was tired dammit. She typed as furiously as her tired thumbs would let her in response to Sasuke.
To: Ducky-chan
From: Saku-chan
Subject: store
-Is money rly one of our concerns Sasuke? Remember who pays half our bills? your family. Ramen is 13 cents a package anyways. get your own damn tomatoes and dog treats. I'm coming home to get some sleep.-
The reply from Sasuke came almost as soon as Sakura sent the text.
To: Saku-chan
From: Ducky-chan
Subject: RE:store
-We have no food in the house. You're already out. Go get something for dinner.
P.S. I will be out when you get home.
Exhasution temporarily forgotten, Sakura quickly typed a reply.
To: Ducky-chan
From: Saku-chan
Subject: RE:RE:store
-im not ur bitch. U will pay for this later. Naruto is picking dinner.
Also Itachi-kun will come over for dinner and make fun of ur stupid rat/dog so HA!-
Sakura smirked tiredly as five minutes went by without a reply. She won this round. She started the car and listened to it purr to life as she sent a message to Naruto.
To: Naru Naru-chan
From: Saku-chan
Subject: Dinner
-Whatcha want for dinner Naru Naru?-
The reply came quicker than Sasuke's previous texts.
To: Saku-chan
From: Naru Naru-chan
Subject: DineR
-RAMEN!-
An exhausted pink haired doctor pulled halfway into the driveway. Opening the car door, she got out and grabbed the mail.
Why was it that Naruto and Sasuke couldn't check the mail? They had been here all day. Sometimes it felt like she lived with three year olds rather than two grown men.
She hit the garage opener and got back into the car, completely missing the black blur that darted outside. Holding the steering wheel in a loose manner, Sakura applied a slight pressure to the gas. She inched forward a few feet before-
BA BUMP
Instantly, the pressure was taken off the pedal and she hoped out of the car, wondering what she hit. Carefully, she crept around the car to the back, making sure to be slow in case it was a snake. She saw bits of black something here and there and once she finally faced the back, she swore loudly.
"SHIT!"
Itachi and Naruto were enjoying a pleasant conversation when Itachi noticed his petite girlfriend creeping around the corner carrying a suspicious bundle wrapped in a trash bag. Being the good boyfriend that he is, Itachi's first thought was: "Sex toys?" However, the package started to drip and then Itachi grew a bit concerned.
"Sakura?" He called out. Said pinkette screamed and dropped her package, the package making a horrifying squish sound as it made impact with the ground. She whirled around.
"Itachi-kun! What a surprise! Why are you here?" He raised a brow at that.
"You invited me here for dinner." Sakura paled a bit and squeaked.
"Oh haha right, I forgot." Itachi narrowed his eyes at her suspicious behavior.
"Sakura-chan, what's in the bag?" Their boisterous friend asked. Sakura visibly flinched and paled even more as Reikokuna sniffed at the bag and made a sound that sounded like a cross between a whine and a bark.
"N-nothing is in the bag Naruto!"
"Sakura-" Itachi began.
"THERE'S NOTHING IN THE BAG!" She screamed. Itachi frowned at her.
"Bag, now." He ordered. Sakura made a soft pitiful noise in the back of her throat and set the squishy bag on the table. Unable to contain his excitement, Naruto quickly untied the bag but recoiled in terror as the contents were revealed.
"WHAT IS THAT?!" He screamed. Itachi himself very nearly gagged. Upon hearing Naruto's exclamation, Sakura burst into tears.
"IT'S TOMATO!" She cried hysterically. "I DIDN'T MEAN TO! HE JUST RAN UNDER MY TRUCK AND I HIT HIM!" Naruto stared in sick fascination at the mutilated corpse.
"How many times did you hit him Sakura-chan?" The blonde asked dazedly. The petite murderer sniffled quietly.
"Three."
"You ran over my brother's dog three times?" Itachi asked, smothering his chuckles in his hand. He never did like that dog. Sakura nodded.
"I hit him the first time and then in my panic to do something with him, I accidentally backed my truck up instead of moving forward and hit him again, then I had to go over him again to get to the garage." Naruto and even Itachi couldn't contain their laughter at this.
"It's not funny!" Sakura howled. "Sasuke is going to KILL me when he finds out!" Naruto calmed down a bit in order to reassure his friend.
"It's fine Sakura-chan, we'll just buy another poodle and train it to act like Tomato and Sasuke-teme will never know!" Sakura's eyes shined with hope.
"Do you really think that will work Naruto?" She spoke excitedly. Naruto nodded and gave her his signature megawatt grin.
"Of course it will work! You can always count on me Sakura-chan!" Sakura jumped excitedly and clung to Naruto and Itachi all the while chanting, "I'm not going to die!" The pinkette's joyous celebration was interrupted though when the sound of a car door slamming was heard outside. Sakura started cursing, Naruto began to sweat, and Itachi scowled a bit.
Sasuke.
Itachi turned and pecked Sakura on the lips.
"As much as I would like to see my otouto cry over a poodle, I must take my leave. Otherwise he will automatically assume it was me and I don't want that on my hands. Goodbye darling!" He called to Sakura as he easily strolled towards the back door. Sakura stared open-mouthed at him.
"Jerk!" She screeched.
"But at least I'm a sexy jerk!" He called easily over his shoulder. With that final note, Sakura and Naruto were left with the toy-poodle carcass. Both began to panic.
"What do we do, WHAT DO WE DO?!" Naruto screeched. Sakura's head whipped back and forth as she tried to find an answer out of seemingly thin air.
"AH-HA!" With a victorious cry, Sakura the dog murderer threw Tomato's body into his dog bed and quickly threw his custom blanket over the corpse. She prayed to Kami that Sasuke wouldn't notice that the dog's head was a bit crooked or that the blanket was soaked in blood. The door in the front swung open and Sakura and Naruto threw themselves at the kitchen table. Sasuke entered the kitchen, carrying the groceries Sakura had left in her car.
"Got any threes?" Sakura casually asked Naruto.
"Nope, go fish." Sasuke put the bags on the counter and stared the two, looking a bit bewildered.
"What are you two doing?" He finally asked. Sakura looked up at him.
"We're playing Go Fish." Naruto nodded vigorously, trusting Sakura to do the talking.
"I see..." Sasuke mumbled. After watching the blonde and the pinkette play for a few more minutes, he finally uttered what was on his mind.
"You two are playing Go Fish with, forks?" Sweat dripped down Sakura's temple.
"Uhhhh yeah. I guess that explains why Naruto never had any threes." Their dark-haired Uchiha roommate stared a bit more.
"Right..." An awkward silence engulfed the three.
"Where's Tomato?" Sasuke wondered, searching for his beloved dog. Naruto and Sakura blanched. Sasuke finally spotted his pride and joy and went over to pet him.
"Wait Sasuke!" Sakura blurted. Said Uchiha paused and looked at her.
"Uh um uh. Don't touch that dog! He could have rabies! Yeah, RABIES! I saw a program- no, READ AN ARTICLE! Yeah an article, it was about dogs and uh, having rabies. And uh, important stuff like that." She panicked as she saw Sasuke reach for his dog and elbowed Naruto viciously in the gut, a sign he needed to do something.
Now.
"I'M PREGNANT!" Naruto screamed. Sasuke stopped reaching for his dog and just, stared at Naruto. One couldn't really do anything else in such a situation.
"What?" He questioned. Internally Sakura slapped her head but decided to go with it.
"It's medically possible." She agreed sagely.
"So Naruto is, pregnant." Sasuke stated more than anything.
"Uh, yes." The blonde and pinkette recited. There was an awkward silence.
"Right." Sasuke agreed for the sake of agreeing. He would probably need to check Naruto and Sakura into the nearest loony-bin. Soon.
Completely weirded out by his friend's unusual behavior and decided his dig was much more sane, Sasuke reached out and pet his prized poodle gently on the head.
And then recoiled in horrified disgust as Tomato's head rolled to the side in a grotesque manner and one of his eyes rolled out of his socket.
"!"
"..."
"Oh look, Tomato learned a new trick Sasuke-teme."
Sasuke screamed as he ripped the blanket off of his precious poodle and saw the mutilated corpse.
"Oh Kami, OH KAMI!" He shouted as he ran around in circles. Over the screaming and near tears, Sakura tried to placate her friend.
"Now Sasuke, there's a perfectly good explanation for this." Sakura told her friend, motioning her arms in the universal 'calm down' gesture. Said friend whirled around to face her, murder written all over his usually impassive face.
"And what, pray tell, would that reason be?" He hissed darkly. Sakura let out a small eep sound before somewhat composing herself. The pinkette pointed at Naruto's toad.
"It was Gama-chan! He got so sick of Tomato bullying him and just snapped! Came in with an axe and everything! You should be glad you weren't here to see it, it took quite awhile for Naruto and I to subdue him!" Behind her, Gama-chan gave a lazy croak. Naruto gasped.
"It was not Gama-chan! If anything Reikokuna would be a more believable story!" Naruto shouted.
"Reikokuna would just eat Tomato! It obviously makes more sense for Gama-chan to kill Tomato with an axe!" Naruto was quiet after that, obviously seeing the logic in his friend's statement. Sasuke seethed.
"WHO KILLED TOMATO?" He screamed. Sakura stuttered a bit.
"Ano sa, eh, I did. It was an accident I swear! He just came running and-" She cut herself off as a knife embedded itself above her head in the kitchen wall.
"Did you... DID YOU JUST THROW A KNIFE AT MY HEAD?!" Sakura screamed, her voice incredulous and high-pitched.
"SO WHAT IF I DID? YOU KILLED TOMATO!" Sasuke bellowed.
"IT WAS AN ACCIDENT IF ANYTHING YOU SHOULD HAVE TRAINED YOUR STUPID-ASS DOG NOT TO RUN UNDER CARS!" Another knife landed near her shoulder.
"STOP THROWING KNIVES YOU PSYCHO BASTARD!"
"LIKE HELL I WILL! AN EYE FOR AN EYE RIGHT?"
"I'LL SHOW YOU AN EYE FOR AN EYE!"
With that, Sakura lunged at Sasuke and tackled him to the floor. She landed a few good punches on his face before Sasuke got the smart idea to grab her hands.
"YOU KNOW, I'M GLAD I RAN OVER THAT STUPID DOG! MAYBE I'LL HIT YOU NEXT!"
"NOT IF I HIT YOU FIRST YOU PSYCHO BITCH!"
"WHO'S THE PSYCHO HERE YOU KNIFE THROWING WHACK-JOB?"
Naruto sat rocking in the corner with Gama-chan as he watched his friends try to kill each other.
"Shhh it's okay Gama-chan, they'll stop soon. They'll stop soon."
"... Ribbit ..."
"Hello? 911 what is your emergency?"
"Yes hi, I'd like to report a disturbance coming from my neighbor's house. There's a lot of screaming and lots of crashing sounds. Oh Kami! I think someone's just been killed! Someone keeps screaming about knives! Please come quick!"
"Of course 'mam, please remain calm. Help is on the way."
After being bailed out of jail by Itachi, Sasuke and Sakura returned home. Upon returning, Sasuke demanded that they have a proper funeral for Tomato. Naruto laughed at the idea and Sakura protested but when Sasuke demands something, he gets it.
Damned haughty Uchiha's.
Of course, it was decided that Sakura would be the one to bury the beast out in the woods. She scowled darky and went to get a shovel while Sasuke tried to groom the dog for its burial.
Key word being tried. To many body parts were missing for it to really matter. Sakura returned with a shovel and a trash bag and motioned to put the dog in the bag.
"Wait, we need to say a few words in his name." Sasuke stated. Sakura and Naruto groaned and grumbled under their breath.
"Tomato was a loyal and wonderful dog. I hope he is frolicking among the fields in heaven and that he knows daddy will always love him." Sasuke sniffled. Sakura raised a brow and shot the dog a dispassionate glance.
"Tomato was an awful dog and I hope he is burning in the deepest pits of hell." Sasuke glared and Naruto spoke up.
"I agree with Sakura-chan."
With a triumphant smirk, Sakura turned and went to bury the dog in the woods.
A few weeks later, Sakura was sun-bathing out on the poolside. Sasuke was still mad at her but she knew he would eventually get over it. She giggled as Naruto cannon-balled into the pool and Sasuke grumbled at him.
A howl sounded from the distance and Sakura spotted her precious Hokkaido trotting out of the woods, carrying something in his large jaws.
"What'cha got there baby? Let momma see." She cooed at him. The handsome dog approached her proudly and set his captured prize on the ground, knowing better than to put it in his mistress' lap. Sakura peered at the 'present' before her and blanched.
"Oh gross." She mumbled.
"What'd he get Sakura-chan?" Naruto called. Sasuke looked over with slight interest.
"Oh just a dead squirrel." She called back easily. "Go on and put that back now Reikokuna. You know we can't play with those things you silly boy!" At the command, the Hokkaido trotted back to the woods.
Sakura breathed a silent sigh of relief as her dog went to put Tomato's body back in the woods.
Huh, guess she didn't dig the hole deep enough.
Hehe the end. This is actually based on a true story. My dad ran over my mom's poodle and then when he buried it, our other dog went and dug it up a few weeks later. Lolz i hope this made everyone laugh.
In case you need some clarification:
A Hokkaido is a large dog of ancient breed. They were said to have helped their masters by hunting salmon, and even teaming up to bring down a bear. While they are fierce, they are also incredibly loyal and gentle with young children. I want one.
Reikokuna means ruthless in japanese. I thought it would be funny to name Sakura's dog this because of the dog's gentle demeanor and the thought of a pink haired woman with a big-ass dog named Ruthless was really funny.
Gama means toad. I'm pretty sure we all know this. Points on creativity for Naruto though.
Tomato is actually said as tomato in japanese. I didn't realize it until I spent half an hour playing some japanese match the fruit and veggie game trying to figure out how to say tomato. And we all know of Sasuke's tomato obsession. Hence the dog's name.
I hope you all laughed really hard today! Please review and let me know you love me!