The Big Bang Theory
The Fan Fiction Affliction
Chapter 01 the Consternation Verification
Leonard walked into his and Sheldon's apartment and put his keys in the bowl. "Sheldon, that was one of the best dates Penny and have I've ever had. Penny wants to change clothes, and she'll be back, and we can watch the Hobbit DVD like you wanted. Whatcha doin'?" he said to Sheldon, who was typing away at his laptop.
"Hmmm?" Sheldon asked as he looked at the screen.
"I asked what you're doing," Leonard said.
"Oh, nothing," Sheldon said, hastily shutting the lid on his laptop and turning to glare at Leonard.
Leonard said, "Wackadoodle," and walked into his bedroom. "If it were anyone else, I would say he was surfing porn."
Sheldon reopened the laptop screen and awoke the computer to see The Firefly Chronicles, Fan Fiction by Nodlehs, Chapter 6, The Vulcan Factor. He typed away for a while and lost track of the time.
"The Vulcan Factor, what is that?" Penny asked behind Sheldon. Sheldon jumped, nearly knocking his laptop off the desk.
"Penny, you startled me," Sheldon said. "Haven't you ever heard of knocking? How long have you been there?"
Penny said, "I did knock. I've been standing behind you for several minutes. You seemed so engrossed in what you were writing that you didn't answer. Who is Nodlehs?"
"Penny, this is private," Sheldon said.
"All right, Sheldon, give," Penny said. "I've read everything on your screen for the last several minutes; I just need to make sense of it."
"Very well," Sheldon said, looking around to make sure he and Penny were alone, "I am writing fan fiction."
"What is fan fiction?" Penny asked.
"Fan fiction is fiction that fans of various novels, movies, and TV shows write expanding on what they have read or seen, sometimes putting the characters in new situations. I would think that would be self-explanatory. There are communities for movies like the Harry Potter films, book series like Charlaine Harris' Sookie Stackhouse Southern Vampire books, and TV shows like Once Upon a Time and Lost. I write for the Star Trek and Firefly groups of series and movies."
"Show me," Penny said.
Sheldon rolled his eyes. He opened his browser and went to the fan fiction site. He located the one-shot story "Grumpy Finds His Soul Mate" by Dr. Giggles. "Here is a story I just read. I don't ordinarily follow the Once Upon a Time stories, but I liked this one."
Penny read over Sheldon's shoulder. She said, "The story has 11 reviews, with 6 favorite stories and 7 author followers. What is that about?"
Sheldon explained about reviews, following, and favoriting.
"How many followers do you have?" she asked.
"That's not important," Sheldon said.
"None, huh?" Penny said. "Bummer."
"Is there something else I can do for you?" Sheldon asked.
"I'll let Leonard know I'm here. You wanted to watch the Hobbit DVD. Just let us know when you're ready. It's so late we'll only be able to watch part of it because I have to work the breakfast shift tomorrow."
Sheldon turned and resumed typing as Penny went into Leonard's room.
#
Penny sat on Leonard's bed surfing the fan fiction site.
"Penny," Leonard said, "Are you going to be on the computer all evening?"
"Oh, sorry, sweetie," Penny said. "This is fascinating. Most of these authors have all these followers, but Sheldon doesn't have any. He has a number of reviews, but they are all nasty, like this one: 'U suk yur writig suks you shud stop witig.'"
"Those are trolls," Leonard said. "I'll bet all of them are from anonymous guest reviewers. Many guest reviewers are good people and give well-intended, constructive criticism, but, if someone is just sending in a review to hurt, a troll, they do it as an anonymous guest. I don't think the trolls even read the stories. Look at the spelling. I can't help but think that these are from petulant, immature pre-teens who just want to hurt feelings."
"You're right," Penny said, "All 12 of his reviews are like this, though."
Leonard said, "Sometimes, the trolls just pick people and start targeting them and flame them whenever they post their stories, no matter how good or bad the stories are."
Leonard showed Penny how to view the traffic for Sheldon's stories. It showed that 212 people had read the first chapter, 32 people had read the second, and no one had read the rest. "Wow," he said, "Even the worst fanfic has at least some readers."
"I love Sheldon," Penny said, "but I read what he's working on over his shoulder, and it's embarrassing. It's all thinly disguised about Sheldon. Have you written any fan fiction?"
"I don't have anything published on the site right now," Leonard said. "My adviser made me take creative writing in college because he said I wasn't taking enough electives outside of science. I stunk at it. I made an A in the course, but only because I really worked at it. I think the professor gave me the grade out of pity because I tried so hard and just didn't have the imagination for fiction. It's better for me to leave writing to people who actually can and let me stick to nonfiction."
Penny asked, "Are you working on anything, you know, for kicks?"
"No," Leonard said. "I have a beautiful, amazing girlfriend. Spending my free time with her is a lot better than trying something I'm painfully bad at doing."
#
Penny removed her Cheesecake Factory uniform and dressed in her sweatpants and University of Nebraska jersey. "No, Sweetie," she said to Leonard, who was on speaker, "I just got home. I got off early since I worked over yesterday and came in for the breakfast shift today. I should have gone to buy groceries, but I really just wanted to come home and put my feet up. I'll see you in a couple of hours."
"Great," Leonard said. "Let me take you out for dinner tonight. I know you're having a tough week."
"That would be great," Penny said. "I'll see you about 5:30. I'll make sure to look nice."
"Penny, if you're not up to getting dressed, I'll be glad to call in an order and go bring it back to the apartment," Leonard said. "We could have a quiet evening at home and let you relax."
"You know, Sweetie, it would be nice to put on makeup, brush my hair, put on a nice dress, and let you take me out and pamper me," Penny said.
"I have the perfect place Dr. Gabelhauser told me about," Leonard said. "If you'll trust me, I think I can have a nice surprise for you."
"Great. I'll see you later. I'm just going to chill in front of the TV until you show up," Penny said. "Bye." She ended the call.
Penny walked back into the living room in her Hello Kitty bedroom slippers and sat on the sofa. "Gee, there's nothing on TV," she said after searching cable. She looked at her pink laptop sitting on the kitchen counter with the boxed Blu-Ray collection she and Leonard had been watching on top of it. "Hmmm," she said.
#
Leonard reached the top of the stairs. He knocked on Penny's door and stuck in his head to see Penny sitting on the sofa typing away on her laptop. "Hi, Sweetheart," he said. "Whatcha doing?"
Penny briefly looked at him. "Oh, hi, Sweetie. I'm just doing a little something on the laptop."
Leonard said, "We probably don't need to leave for the restaurant for another hour. Let me go take a shower and I'll be back in a few minutes."
"Um, hum," Penny said. She resumed typing.
Knock, knock, knock, "Penny."
Knock, knock, knock, "Penny."
Knock, knock, knock, "Penny."
"Come in, Sheldon," Penny said. She quickly clicked on the Zappos icon on her taskbar, and her screen displayed the site's home screen.
"Penny," Sheldon said, "What are you doing?"
Penny turned the screen toward Sheldon.
"Oh, shoe shopping," Sheldon said. "Could you go to my story and Chapter 7 on the fan fiction site the way I showed you?"
Penny typed and then said, "All right, I'm there."
"Look at the stats up at the top," Sheldon said. "I published another chapter last night. Only two people read it, and they both reviewed it. The reviews are very hurtful."
"What did the reviews say?" Penny asked, clicking on the link to reviews.
"It was more of those 'U suk UR writig suks U should stop witig,'" Sheldon said.
Penny said, "Leonard said those are trolls. He said not to pay any attention to them."
"But they hurt my feelings," Sheldon said. "I wish there was a way to block anonymous guest reviews."
"Sweetie," Penny said, "Leonard said the flamings don't mean anything."
Sheldon said, "What would he know? He published one story, got embarrassed because of the reaction, and hasn't published anymore."
"What did he publish?" Penny asked. "He said he doesn't have anything on the site."
"I don't remember the title," Sheldon said. "He deleted it, so, technically, he was right, he doesn't have anything on the site. I think he still has his account; he just doesn't have anything published. He reviews sometimes, but he hasn't reviewed mine."
"Aw, Sweetie," Penny said, hugging Sheldon. "It'll get better."
#
Leonard, Raj, and Howard were eating lunch as Sheldon joined them.
Howard said, "It's just one chapter so far, but it's great."
Raj said, "I know. After you told me, I Googled the author and found it. I want to see where the author goes with it. What kind of name is Anathema Devine? Does that mean something to you?"
Leonard looked up from his lunch. He said, "Anathema Devine is a character in one of the novels Penny had me read. I think the title was Good Omens. If I remember, it was about the war between Good and Evil that takes place every millennium. Anathema Devine is a witch from the period when the church persecuted people as witches. I'll have to see if she still has the book."
"What are you talking about?" Sheldon asked.
"Howard and I found a very nice new Firefly story," Raj said. "It's the first thing this person has published under the name Anathema Devine. There's just one chapter so far, but it's great. It starts with this scientist approaching Captain Reynolds in a bar on this world where there are top universities. He and his colleagues have developed an alternative to the fuel system marketed by the Alliance, and the Alliance has marked them for death in retaliation. He wants the Serenity crew to help them escape to another world where they can produce the fuel."
"It sounds a little soon to know you're going to like the story," Leonard said.
Howard said, "I know, but the writer has made the characters come to life in this one chapter. The story sparkles, and the author leaves it at a point where you want more."
"Here it is," Leonard said, looking at the screen on his smart phone. "Chapter One. It has 4213 words. Look at this: It has only been on the site for two days, and over 4,200 people have viewed it. It already has over 200 reviews, with 82 favorite stories, 75 favorite authors, and 82 followers. Look at this review: 'This is wonderful, the best fanfic I've ever read. If the show ever returns, you should write for it.' I'll need to read it tonight."
Sheldon looked at the screen on his smart phone. "In what universe does a new author get that many favorites, followers, and reviews? I'll bet the rest of the reviews are nasty." He frowned as he started paging through reviews. "Oh, here's one: 'U suk UR writig suks U shud stop writig.'"
"That's a troll," Leonard said. It's worded almost identically to the flamings you've gotten. It doesn't mean anything, Sheldon."
#
Leonard sat at his desk in his and Sheldon's living room.
Sheldon said, "If you are re-running the numbers for the power analysis we were working on this afternoon, I need you to wait until we receive the results from the latest 5,000 iterations."
"I'm not running the power analysis," Leonard said. "I'm reading the story Howard and Raj were talking about on the fan fiction site."
"Why aren't you hanging with Penny tonight?" Sheldon asked.
"She's out with Amy, Bernadette, and Raj having a ladies' night," Leonard said.
"Isn't she going to come over later and take care of us?" Sheldon asked, turning around in his chair.
"She should be over later," Leonard said. "Sheldon, you really need to read this story. It's great."
Leonard resumed reading. The Serenity crew had landed on a planet where the galaxy's top universities were located. A man who introduced himself as Larry approached Captain Reynolds and said he needed to speak with him. When the two were alone, Larry told him that he knew all about him and the crew. He explained that he and three colleagues had developed a fuel that was cheaper to produce, cleaner, and more powerful than the one the Alliance was selling and that the Alliance had marked the four of them for death as a result. The other three had fled to another planet to hide, but Larry had hidden out in the bar's storeroom until he could get a ship to get his three friends and take them to the industrial world Galaxia, where they could arrange to produce the fuel. Captain Reynolds asked why they did not just turn over the formula to the Alliance, and Larry said that they were marked for death regardless of whether the Alliance got its hands on the formula, so the only way out for them was to begin producing and marketing the fuel so they could become wealthy enough to insulate themselves from the Alliance.
#
"Hot boy, pointy ears, seven-year mating," River said as she walked circles around Spock on the Serenity deck. "Mind meld, hybrid, pon farr, ship. The Federation. He tasks me, he tasks me, and I shall have him. Time for regeneration."
"Fascinating," Spock said. "May I feel your mind?"
"Touch, touch, touch, touch," River said.
Spock pressed his index and ring fingers on River's forehead and his thumb on her cheek. Suddenly, he felt himself flung through time and space. He was on the floor. He picked himself up and looked around. He was lying in an office with a large white board with scribblings on it.
"Fascinating," Spock said again. "These are the calculations of a brilliant early 21st Century theoretical physicist regarding String Theory. Even on Vulcan in the 24th Century, we heard the name Dr. Sheldon Cooper."
Penny looked up from the computer screen.
Sheldon said, "So? What do you think?"
"I'm confused," Penny said.
"That doesn't surprise me," Sheldon said.
"Okay, I was trying to help," Penny said. She stood and started to walk toward the door.
Sheldon said, "Penny, please come back. This is hard. I, I apologize. I need your help. What confuses you?"
Penny said, "I still don't understand what Spock is doing on the bridge of the Serenity. And don't you think it's going to become obvious that you are the author, since you praise yourself by name so enthusiastically?"
"I guess," Sheldon said.
"Hey, Penny," Leonard said, coming into the living room. "Ready?"
"Sure," Penny said. She leaned over and kissed Sheldon on the cheek, hugged him, and said, "Hang in there, Sheldon. Think about what I said. Let it stew, work on it, and I'll read it again before you submit. Maybe we can brainstorm."
As Leonard and Penny left, Sheldon waited until he could no longer hear their voices as they walked down the stairs. He looked back at the computer screen and said, "Help me, Sam Houston, she's right. A waitress has better insight into my story than I do."
#
Penny got up from her side of the booth at the Sugar-n-Spice and slid in next to Leonard.
"Problem?" the waitress asked.
"No," Penny said, "I just wanted to sit next to my boyfriend instead of across from him. Go on, Leonard, I'm listening."
"So it was totally weird," Leonard said. "I never thought in a million years my parents would allow me to have a puppy, but there he was, my grandmother's present for graduating kindergarten. My parents didn't believe in presents, especially for doing what you were expected to do, but they gave in and let me have him."
"That was Mitsy?" Penny asked.
"No, Mitsy was my dog in graduate school. I named this one Chipper."
"Because he had such a chipper personality?" Penny asked.
"No, because he chewed up wooden pencils," Leonard said.
"It sounds as if you really loved that puppy," Penny said.
"I did," Leonard said. "He was a King Charles Cavalier. He was so smart. We did everything together. That's when the other kids were picking on me unmercifully, and he was my best friend. No matter how bad my day was, I would come home and he would be dancing around wagging his tail at me."
"What happened to him?" Penny asked.
"He lived 18 years," Leonard said. "That's a long time, even for a small dog breed. He had a great life, so that made it a little easier when the time came when he. . . you know. He and I had spent that day together and had a great time. That's when I was attending Princeton. I took him to the park, and he enjoyed watching the children playing. He seemed fine, but, in human years, he was about 100. He went in his sleep that night. The vet said she thought it just happened abruptly, no suffering. I wasn't going to get another one, but my grandmother gave me Mitsy."
Penny asked, "Why didn't you bring Mitsy with you to Pasadena?"
"My Uncle Floyd and his family took Mitsy for me when I studied in Germany. They loved her and took great care of her. By the time I came back, my cousins and Mitsy had bonded, and I didn't have the heart to take her from them. It was all right. They lived in the suburbs, and Mitsy had a large, fenced-in backyard and children who played with her. I kept trying to send money for her care, but my Uncle Floyd wouldn't hear of it."
"Changing the subject, have you read any of Sheldon's fanfic?" Penny asked.
Leonard took a drink of his iced tea and said, "No, when I read his stories, it just makes him angry. He won't let up: He just keeps needling me about them wanting me to tell him how great they are. If you tell him the truth, that they're not very good, he just gets ticked off. If you say they're great and then no one likes them, he wants to know why you weren't honest with him."
Penny said, "He has good moments, like an encounter between Spock and River, but then he goes off-reservation. I mean, I don't even know why Spock transported to the Serenity deck. Then he goes goofy when Spock tries to do a mind meld on River and somehow finds himself in Dr. Sheldon Cooper's present-day office, where he praises himself by name. It's almost as if he's smoking something when he writes. The story is really hard to follow."
Leonard said, "I have gone back to the site, even though I haven't read his story. I found this neat new story I'm following."
"Are you still reading the story I showed you by Twyla Mercedes, Out of the Ashes, from the Once Upon a Time community, the one that takes place in Asheville, North Carolina?" Penny asked.
"I've been reading that one and a couple of others," Leonard said as the waitress brought their food. "I'm only about one-fourth the way through the Twyla Mercedes one, and I saw the author has a new story I want to read after I'm finished with that one."
"Ah, comfort food," Penny said as she made a puddle of ketchup on her plate and dipped one of her fries. "Grilled cheese, French fries, onion rings, and cole slaw. You know, I can fix all of these things myself, but they are so much better here. I really like the Italian restaurant you took me to when I was so tired the other night, but it's nice to come to a place I can dress down and eat my grilled cheese and fries."
Leonard took a bite of his sandwich and said, "Did Sheldon tell you why he didn't come with us? Not that I'm complaining."
"He said he wanted to work on his story," Penny said. "Amy was going to bring takeout. I wonder if he will get her to read his story."
#
Leonard and Penny found Amy and Sheldon sitting on the sofa. Amy had her laptop in front of her reading.
"Shhhh!" Sheldon said as Leonard and Penny walked into the apartment. "Amy is reading my stories."
Leonard and Penny went over to the kitchen area, where Leonard made Penny a cup of coffee.
"You know something?" Leonard said. "You're the only person I know who can drink coffee just before going to bed and sleep through the night. I would be staring through my eyelids all night if I did that."
"Yeah, my Daddy's like that too," Penny said. "What are you having?"
"I'm going to make some Sleepy Time Tea," Leonard said.
"Sheldon," Amy said, "Please explain a couple of things to me."
"Like what?" Sheldon asked.
"Why is Spock on the deck of the Serenity? There's no setup for that, and he does not explain it. Was it a time warp anomaly? Did the Enterprise go through a black hole?"
"I had the same question," Penny said. "How far along are you?"
"Chapter four," Amy said.
"There are seven chapters, unless you count the one he's finishing, in which case he has eight," Penny said.
Amy looked at Penny. A couple of minutes later, she said, "Penny, could we go over to your apartment and see if I left something over there?" She faintly jerked her head toward Penny's apartment.
"Sure," Penny said. She kissed Leonard and said, "We'll be right back."
Amy followed Penny over to her apartment. When she shut the door, she softly asked, "Penny, have you read Sheldon's chapters? They are incredibly bad. I love Sheldon and want to have his babies, but my word: He stinks on ice."
"I know," Penny said. "Sheldon's my friend, but his writing sucks."
"You should read his physics articles," Amy said. "Even when I understand what he's writing about, his articles are snoozers."
"What do we do?" Penny asked. "I don't want to hurt his feelings."
"I suggested that he read a book about writing fiction," Amy said, "but he said you already suggested that. He said he has read every book on fiction writing in the CalTech library and that Barnes and Noble had. He has also read e-books on that, so, as far as he's concerned, he's an expert."
"Poor Sheldon," Penny said. "Now he knows how I feel when all of you are having all these high IQ discussions and I don't know what you're talking about. Maybe we can get him interested in something else."
"You know how Sheldon is," Amy said. "Once he obsesses on something, he doesn't let it go."
"I know," Penny said as her iPhone alerted her that she had another email.
"Anything important?" Amy asked.
"Just a notification," Penny said. "I'll read it later. I have quite a few of them to read."