Some Remus/Tonks angst and fluff for the weekend.
Please do review!
"How do you know you're in love?" Remus asked James.
"It's my wedding day, Moony. I wouldn't be here unless I knew I was in love," James grinned back.
"I know that, but how do you know? What does it feel like?" Remus persisted. He would never experience the feeling himself but he was curious to know what love felt like. What was that one emotion that could change people so much, drive them to do anything for the one person they loved?
James thought for a moment. "It feels like you would do anything, even the impossible, to see your loved one smile. It feels like every moment apart from them is an eternity of agony. Everything you see, hear, smell, touch or taste - absolutely everything in the world reminds you of that person; they are the centre of your world." He smiled mischievously. "It turns someone like me into a sap spouting poetic lines describing it. You can't really put words to love. It just feels like…love."
This was the right thing to do, Remus thought. He should be here, lying on his side on that hard, cold bed all alone. Leaving Dora was correct. It wasn't the easy thing to do, but he had to live the lonely life. That was the only kind of existence meant for his kind.
Remus had convinced himself when he realised she was pregnant that he didn't love her. It was the only way he had gathered up the courage to leave her. He had told himself that werewolves were incapable of giving or receiving love. It was a stupid emotion, it only led to pain. Either he would hurt the people he loved or they would hurt him by abandoning him. He didn't need that. He had only married Dora out of a burning need for company after Sirius' death. That was the only reason he'd even let himself get close to her in the first place. He wasn't in love with her. If he truly did care for her, he'd have left her well alone and stayed away from her. He would definitely not have married her. No, that was just a stupid mistake born out of a moment of weakness.
He turned on the bed, shifting his weight to the other side. He was struck by how cold it was. Or perhaps he'd just gotten used to the warmth of a loving body sleeping beside him...
Remus turned over on the bed and put his arm around his wife. She sighed and snuggled into him.
"It's a little cold tonight," she murmured sleepily.
He pulled her in closer. "Is that better?"
"Look at you, taking any excuse to get me closer," she teased.
He kissed the top of her head, smiling slightly. "Sweet dreams, Dora."
Remus closed his eyes, trying not to think about her. He'd only been apart from her for a week and every minute he needed to remind himself of all the reasons he'd left her. He didn't love her. He was too old, too poor and too dangerous. He was only condemning her to a sad life by being with her.
He opened his eyes and looked outside the grimy window of the small apartment. The orange light of the streetlamp shone through the thin curtains…
"Orange?" she laughed. It was the first time Remus had noticed how beautiful a sound it was. "That's your favourite colour?"
"Why not? Is it that unbelievable?" he asked. They were sitting in the kitchen of Grimmauld Place, waiting for everyone else to gather for an Order meeting. Sirius was feeding Buckbeak upstairs so they were alone in the big room.
"I don't know," she said. "I mean, look at you. You're all browns and greys all the time. In fact, the only bright colour on you is your blue eyes. It's just so weird to think you like orange." She regarded him, her head tilted adorably to one side. "I think it's quite attractive actually. It definitely adds more flavour to that boy-next-door look you've got."
Remus found himself blushing slightly at her compliment. He felt an old swooping feeling in his stomach. He hadn't felt that since Mary MacDonald in his school days. No! He could not be falling for Nymphadora Tonks, it would never end well!
She leaned in and touched his arm conspiratorially. "Between you and me, it's my favourite colour too. It just makes me look weird so I never wear it."
He tried to ignore the sparks that raced up his arm at her touch. "Maybe you could, when we're alone," he suggested, leaning in slightly, ignoring his brain for a minute.
She drew back and looked at him. Her eyes weren't alarmed; they were more shocked that he'd said something like that. She looked as if she had been thinking about something impossible and it had just happened. He backed off immediately, worried that he might have offended her. "We should go, the meeting's in an hour." He stood to leave.
"Remus," she called out when he was halfway to the door. "What's the hurry? We could sit here and talk and maybe try some of Molly's fudge. I'm sure she left some."
He grinned when he turned around and saw her hair was bright orange.
He sighed. He'd had that conversation in October two years ago - much before Sirius died. There was a hole in his reasoning already. If he'd really married her out of loneliness after Sirius' death, he wouldn't have flirted with her for a good seven months before the tragedy.
He sat up and took a sip of water from a glass on the bedside table and grimaced. It tasted dusty, he didn't think the glass had been washed for a few days at least…
"Tonks, perhaps you should try dusting one of the bedrooms," Molly suggested nervously. She obviously thought there would be fewer things Tonks could knock over in there.
"You need more help in here, Molly, I can help," Tonks replied brightly as she moved around the living room. Remus raised his eyebrows at the Weasley twins who were trying to discreetly levitate things that Tonks could trip over into her path. They looked away sheepishly but they all watched with amusement as the pink-haired woman wove her way around the room, brandishing a large feather duster.
He followed her, just to make sure she didn't knock over anything dangerous. "You'd better watch her, Moony," Sirius called from his perch on the sofa. "Kreacher will have her head if she breaks anything belonging to my dear old mum."
"Hey, I'm as much of a Black as – oops, sorry Remus!"
Remus grabbed her wrist and yanked the duster out of her hand to stop her shoving it any farther into his face and moved back, coughing out the dust. "It's okay. Watch where you're waving that thing."
"Who asked you to stand so close behind me?" she said, grinning. "You got what you deserve."
"He'd love to stand much closer, isn't that right Moo – oof!" Sirius stopped talking when Remus threw the duster at him.
He rapped himself on the head. He had to stop thinking about her! It wasn't the right thing to do. He didn't love her, he couldn't! He wouldn't be able to stay away from her if he did! He heard laughter and shouts from the flat across his. It wasn't that late and the neighbours were obviously having a party of some sort. There was a loud crash and lots of swearing and giggling. He smiled slightly remembering all the times Tonks had fallen over.
She was walking down the short aisle, her pink hair visible even through the veil. She looked absolutely beautiful and he couldn't imagine how he had managed to stay away from her and refuse to admit how much he loved her. He still felt insecure and unworthy of her but when she smiled at him, all of his worries melted away. He loved her. Hadn't James told him that when you were in love, you would do even the impossible to make the person you loved smile?
She reached the altar and promptly tripped over her dress. He reached out immediately, catching her. "Oops," she said sheepishly. "Guess I can't even be balanced on my own wedding day."
"I don't mind," he replied. He looked at her lovingly, pushing the veil away from her face. "I'll always be there to catch you."
Suddenly, a collective, loud "Oops!" from his neighbour's jolted him out of the memory. The smell of burning toast and the sound of more laughter reached his room. He sighed at the smell; it reminded him of the day she'd told him she was pregnant.
"Dora?" he called worriedly. "What is that smell? Is something burning? Are you alright?" He'd stepped into the kitchen and found her pulling a batch of biscuits out of the oven. She held them out when he walked in.
"Try one," she said brightly.
He held up his hands. "I don't think that's such a good idea."
She pouted. "They don't smell that bad. They're just a little crispy."
He picked up a particularly blackened one and squeezed a bit. It crumbled immediately. He raised an eyebrow at her.
"You picked the worst one and squeezed too hard," she accused but she was smiling too. "I'm a terrible cook, aren't I?"
Remus leaned over and kissed her. "You're wonderful in every way."
"That wasn't an answer to my question."
"I don't answer trick questions."
"Here's an easy enough question then, Professor," she smiled. "How do you feel about being a dad?"
He stared at her. "You mean...?"
She smiled widely and nodded. "There's a little Lupin on the way."
He grinned broadly and hugged her tightly. He was elated, he was thrilled. He was going to be a dad! He, Remus Lupin, werewolf, social outcast, was going to have the chance to have a family and a normal life!
He had to stop thinking about her! He did not love Nymphadora Tonks. Leaving her and the child was the best thing to do. It was the right thing to do.
At least, that's what he'd believed until Harry had rammed right through that wall of reasoning and gone straight through to his emotions two days ago. Even he hadn't been convinced that Remus didn't love Tonks. Harry had reminded Remus of James. As he lay on the uncomfortable bed, Remus remembered what James had said about love. Everything reminded him of his Dora. Every single moment of his solitude hurt because he was away from the only woman he'd ever dared to love. He couldn't deny it anymore.
Harry had forced him to face what he felt. He was scared about what the child might turn out to be. He was terrified and sad about making Dora an outcast when she didn't deserve to be one. He was worried about their future.
But most of all, he couldn't ignore the fact that he truly loved his wife and unborn child. He had begun to doubt if what he thought was the right thing to do was really as honourable and proper as he believed. What if something happened to him and he never got to know his son or daughter? Was abandoning them, especially if the baby turned out to be a werewolf, really the correct thing to do? He was not only causing himself pain by being away from them, he had broken Dora's heart too. Surely, that wasn't decent in any way.
He suddenly jumped out of bed and started gathering up his belongings. He had been wrong about what the right thing to do was. It wasn't that he should live a solitary life. It wasn't wrong to live with them, it was wrong to leave them. The right thing was to go back to Dora and their child and protect them. He had to get them through the war. He couldn't abandon them. This – the running away – was the easy thing to do. To take care of them and get them all through the war safely wasn't going to tough, but Remus realised now that he was making the right decision by going back. He belonged with her and she belonged with him, there was no escaping from that fact. Even if he had to stand on her porch and yell, beg, sob or do whatever it took to show her how sorry he was, he'd do it.
After all, he loved Dora. That could never be the wrong thing to do.
Please do leave me a review! This was the first time I've seriously written this couple so any feedback would be much appreciated!
This was for the Canon Pairings competition on HPFC using the prompts "So pay attention now, I'm standing on your porch screaming out And I won't leave until you come downstairs" and "I belong with you, you belong with me"