Geh… I wonder what will happen if I hit him. T'would be very interesting and rewarding… well, that's what my sources tell me. My sources being my arms. Who dearly want to hurt something. Something being him.

And for once, my mind and body agree. In fact. Im surprised something has talked this long. I find it almost impossible for the human body. Seriously. Things shouldn't have a mouth this big.

At all.

Excluding frogs.

But frogs are cool.

Unlike HIM.

I flop my head down on the table, forgetting I had spaghetti there. Im covered in tomato sauce. Ew.

He laughs at me. I wipe some tomato sauce off and fling it at him. "Naruto you idiot, its not funny!"

"sure it is." He replies.

"Loser." I grumble. He scowls at me. He hates me calling him a loser. It probably reminds him to much of Sasuke. In a way, it does it to me too, and I hate myself for saying it.

I miss him. I never though I would. I never really talked to him, he never really talked to me, and our relationship never went further then missions and occasional ramen bar trip, I remember this once we went swimming together...but that was all… And yet, I have this unbelievable ache for the anti-social emo I had come to love.

Well, whatever the cause, Naruto it probably feeling it twice as much as me.

I don't see what we can do about it either. He's gone. He made the decision us or the snake guy.

He chose the snake guy. Don't we feel loved.

Its hard to explain, have you ever moved away? If you have, you may be able to understand this, when he was with us, sure we had some good moments, but I never actually gave him the – erg. Its hard to explain, I took our team for granted.

I wish he was still here. I miss the days when we were all together, and when I knew we were leaving them, even then, I STILL didn't enjoy every moment and spend time with my friends and- and, and… everything. I spent it moping, instead of either DOING something about the problem, or cherishing being with him. I wasted the little time I had left.

I took it all for granted. And now when I think of it, I get a sick feeling in my stomach that tells me 'he's gone. And I wasted it all. I wasted what could have been some of the best times of my life to sleep in, or watch TV and be lazy.'

I wasted it all.

And I cry now, because I realize my mistake was so bad it could change my whole existence.

I sometimes wonder if Naruto gets it too. I wonder if he knows he wasted so much.

I wonder if all the others know. Ino, Kiba, Shikamaru, Sakura, Lee, Chouji all of them…. Even Neji, who hated the Emo.

Do they know? Do they lay awake at night for hours, wishing they had cherished every single moment of what they had? And knowing, no matter what they did, they could never go back?

Do they have a draw under their bed with photos of their team. Do they smile now, knowing all this? Knowing it will never be the same, ever again?

Do they? Have they ever lost someone… and never known how much you missed them…

Have then cried for them? Would have they killed to bring them back and set things right?

Do they… ever, ever… even wished they had told the person they loved them…

Erg. Im being silly again. Naruto looks at me funny. I look up and smile at him.

"Sorry, im just being stupid again." I tell him.

He knows im thinking about Sasuke again. "We all miss him, Liv, we all do…"

I nod dumbly, and then take a deep breath. "Yeah, I was just being stupid again."

He pats me on the back. "Let's go clean up…"

Then I remembered I had spaghetti sauce all over my face…

Damnit.

I swear, Naruto can read minds, he laughed.

He knows where I live…

Ok, yes, that's because we are at my house…

But he knows what im thinking…

Ok, that's more like it…

I go and stick my head in the sink, washing off the sauce.

If you have ever lost something you took for granted, then you will know the exact feeling. One that makes you want to hurt something so badly just to make them see what you're going through, one that make sorry want to scream, to bash yourself against the closet tree until you think you've got what you deserved for ignoring the best times of your life.

One that makes you want to just stay in best with a book and read away the rest of your life, just so you don't have to think about him- erm, or her.

Maybe we all go through this, as we realize we never really appreciated the one that has been taken away by fate.

Like the road has suddenly come to a fork and you have to decide which was to go, and the way you want to go is the opposite way to him. And you know, it, but while you has the chance to stop it, you ignored the problem.

And now you know you could have fixed it right from the beginning… you could've made him stay…

You could have kissed him…

I mean- no, it was just an example… nothing really important, but, well, we all miss Sasuke don't we?

Erm, ok, well, that's what I get, every day, form when I wake up in the morning and see the same mark that he took as a blessing on my neck.

It just reminds me of him, but, it's not like I'll go and commit suicide. That would hurt more then living.

It would just show him I was too scared to live, as well as too scared to fight him… too scared to save him… too scared to kiss him…- erm, well, some people would think.

Naruto pulls my head away from the sink, in had fazed off again and was just bending over the pool of water.

He looked at me worriedly, and took my face in his hands. "Your worse then usual today… is anything wrong- wait, stupid question… but, you know, is anything up?"

I swallow and look at him, I smile brightly, he winces, and it must look so fake. "Its nothing, im just tired is all…"

He shakes his head, gives me one last concerned look and lets go of my face. I smile at him again.

"I need to go, I have training."

I nod. I gave up the Shinobi ways a long time ago. A year now. Exactly.

Im on bord with the medical staff. Im a coward and I ran from the ninja ways, and now im running from Naruto. Usually I would tell him… he doesn't need to know.

That's all. He just didn't need to know. Its my battle to fight.

I shake myself off, and grab some paper. I have an assignment to write.

As I sit down, I cant help, my eyes stray to the photo on the mantelpiece.

Its Sasuke and I. its possibly the only photo known to man where he's smiling.

Memories rush into my mind. I feel tears push at my eyes.

Exactly a year now. Since he left. I resigned that day.

"Are you sure about this?" the new Hokage had asked. I nodded at her.

"positive, I would rather learn how to heal, if it would be possible."

"it would be possible… forgive me for asking, but does this have anything to do with a certain young Shinobi leaving late last night?"

"of course not Tsnuade-sama."

She eyed me suspiciously. Then nodded. "You may leave."

I buried my face in the box of tissues. Had I made a big mistake? Running from the Ninja world like it would stop me feeling guilty?

No. it didn't, I just lost more.

Ehh… im being so stupid. Sasuke didn't leave because of me.

I just haven't picked up a kunai in a whole year because of him.

I go and wash my face (again). And sit down to finally write this essay.

I cant help but remember though…

It was the night before he left. We sat together in the twilight after training. I brought up an unusual subject.

"What are you going to do after this?" I asked. Now I see what I had asked him. I really meant, what he was going to do when he was grown up. He obviously was sad because he was leaving. He didn't reply for a long time, until he said. "Travel."

I had smiled at him. He had smiled back. I remember the feeling. It was pure dread. He was leaving and I knew it. And he knew I knew it. There was a silence, in which I should have hugged him fiercely and never let go. I didn't. I just sat there.

Then, he had stood up, just like that. And nodded to me. I was left speechless.

Then, out of a spur of the moment action, I dived forward and grabbed his hand. And when he turned I swear I sore a semi-hopeful look on his face.

He wanted me to kiss him. I know it. But I didn't. I was scared. Too scared, and I just looked at him, and nodded back. I saw his face fall, and he walked off.

I was the last to see him. The last…

I had sat on that log for the rest of the night. For no particular reason. I think my mind was completely empty.

I ruined it all. He will never know how much he is loved- by everyone, of course.

I wish I could go back and fix everything. But I can't.

I closed my eyes. And let the tears fall, once again for Sasuke. Then took a deep breathe. There was a small kunai on the table. It has been there for a year. I haven't touched it.

Who am I? What am I? For one whole year I have wasted away pining for a man who would just scorn me for doing so. Sasuke probably doesn't even llike me anyway.

But, when I find him, I plan to MAKE him like me. I will never forgive myself if he doesn't. Mainly because I will kick some sense into his sorry ass.

Who am I? When will I come to my senses? And most importantly. Where am I?

I open my eyes. A stern look comes into them. I have moped for too long. There is only one way to fix the mess I made one year ago.

I stride to the table, my fingers itch for the cool feeling of the kunai's metal in my hand. The confidence to be able to defend myself. my hand pauses above the kunai.

I am about to break a whole years worth of moping. And strangely… I don't feel unhappy in the least about it.

Then I ready myself, and pick up the kunai.

And as I do so. I swing it around on my finger, and smile. For the first time in a year. I really smile.

Im going to find Sasuke.

And im going to put things right.

I love him, and this time, when I find him. I will never let him go. Ever, ever, ever again.

But first. I need to take a visit to the Hokage and find Naruto.

We have a lot of work to do…