Whoo, haven't written Tokyo Mew Mew in a while. Well this was a random and hopefully funny idea I had that I finally found the time to write. So here it is.

Disclaimer: I do not own Tokyo Mew Mew!

Pai's brow furrowed in frustration as he looked at the data he held before him. It all made sense but the result wasn't turning out as he'd expected it to. He was reviewing the data for the third time now and the annoyed alien was unable to identify the problem that was causing the results to turn out the way that they were. Normally he was able to figure these things out easily, but today his brain seemed to not be working. He blamed this on Kisshu and Taruto.

The green-haired alien had been moping for two days now. Obviously another one of his scheme's to get the leader of the Mew Mews had failed. Pai wasn't sure what had happened this time; he had learned the hard way that once Kisshu got on the subject of the cat girl he never shut up.

As for the youngest alien in the trio, he also had problems dealing with the Mews. The monkey Mew to be precise. Taruto had been seeing her a lot lately and seemingly as a result had been asking many strange questions, all dealing with some friend of his who wanted to know what a person did when they liked someone. Pai had some ideas about that all right.

Pai shook his head, dislodging the thoughts of his companions from his head. He seemed to be the only one not going crazy over one of what used to be their enemies. Although the green one was very nice.... He shook his head again. He needed to concentrate on work, not Lettuce, no matter how kind and sweet and beauti-

A small cough interrupted that traitorous thought and Pai continued on with his data. He sighed when he found he wasn't able to remember what he'd been reading and started over from the beginning of the paper again.

"OI PAI!" Snap! The pen Pai had been using broke when he slammed it down on the desk, startled by the loud voice. He quickly grabbed the data papers before more ink from the broken pen could spill on them and tossed the pen into a wastebasket. Pai spun around in his chair, glaring at the person who had interrupted his work. Kisshu stood there grinning at him, oblivious to the evil death glare he was receiving.

"Hey, don't glare at me Pai. I coughed to let you know I was here and you just ignored me!" Kisshu exclaimed, apparently not as oblivious as Pai had thought.

"What do you want Kisshu?" Pai asked, letting none of his anger show in his monotonous tone of voice. The alien continued to grin at him like an idiot. Pai felt his anger grow even more. Kisshu had caused him to ruin his data and now he wanted nothing more than to stand there and grin?

"If you don't want anything then leave. I'm working on research and I'd like to not be disturbed," Pai said.

"You're always working on research Pai. You never do anything else. It's no wonder the fishy Mew doesn't like you," Kisshu remarked slyly. His grin transformed into a one-fanged smirk and his golden eyes twinkled with mischief.

"She's not a fish, she's a finless porpoise. And I don't care if she likes me or not. The Mew Mews may not be our enemies anymore, but that doesn't mean I'm going to fall in love with one of them like you and Tart and try to win over their hearts," Pai retorted.

"That's a cheap shot Pai," Kisshu pouted. "One day I will win Ichigo's heart. I just need to get her to see how much of a loser that Aoyama is first and how great I am. I'm much better than he is! I can fight better and protect her better, and that's not even mentioning how much better looking I am! I can run circles around that pansy Blue Knight! I just need to-"

"Kish! I don't want to hear about it! Now, why are you here pestering me?" Pai asked. Kisshu stopped talking and looked puzzled for a moment, like he himself couldn't remember why he was here. Then his face brightened and his ears, which had drooped when talking about the cat girl and her boyfriend, perked back up.

"Ahhh yes. I was thinking about Tart and that monkey. They seem to be getting along well, don't you think?" Kisshu asked with a waggle of his eyebrows, insinuating far more than he was saying. Pai nodded, understanding exactly what he meant. Taruto and the Mew's relationship did seem to be going well. They were always together, which kept Taruto out of Pai's hair.

"Well... I was thinking that one of us should have a talk with Taruto," Kisshu said..

"A talk?" Pai repeated, "About what? Has he done something wrong?"

"No, Tart's been behaving. A talk about him and the monkey," Kisshu explained.

"Why? You just said that their relationship was going well. Why do we need to intervene?" Pai asked, growing a bit confused as to what exactly the younger alien was alluding to.

"It is Pai, it is. But you know! A talk!" Kisshu stated, stressing the word "talk." For one Pai was stumped. This phenomena almost never happened, and that in and of itself was a testament to just how vague and nonsensical Kisshu was being. What exactly was his companion trying to suggest they talk to Taruto about if he was behaving and his relationship was fine?

Pai sat puzzling over what Kisshu meant until he decided that none of it mattered. Kisshu wasn't making it any clearer as to the nature of the talk Taruto needed and he still had his data to look over. And you want to think about the fishy, a voice inside Pai's head taunted, strangely enough sounding just like Kisshu as it did so.

"Look Kisshu, I have things to do and if you aren't going to explain-"

"Sex Pai! Sex!" Kisshu exclaimed. Pai paled.

"S-sex?" He asked. His voice trembled.

"Yes Pai. And I thought you were supposed to be the smart one! Jeez, maybe I should spell it out for you next time, ne?" Kisshu smirked.

"Why should Taruto need a talk about that?" Pai asked after carefully composing himself so that his voice was back to normal and he seemed calm. In reality he felt completely the opposite. The topic of... of that Kisshu said actually made him very nervous and uneasy, and not much made him uneasy. But he couldn't let Kisshu see that of course, so he made sure that his face was back to its normal state.

"Well he's older now and he's with that Mew...," Kisshu trailed off, saying much, much more with his silence than he did with his words.

"Don't you think he would have already learned about that on our planet? We both did," Pai argued. Even as he said this he knew it was unlikely Tart would have learned about any of that. He was young, and for a long time, since they'd been told about their mission to go to Earth, the only thing the three of them had learned were better fighting techniques. Telling Taruto about... that... wouldn't have been seen as a priority.

"I think Tart was too young. He might have I suppose, but do you really want to take those chances? What if he didn't? Just imagine min-Tarts and that hyperactive Mew running around everywhere.... Sounds horrible doesn't it?" Kisshu asked with a grin, surprisingly cheerful for such a scary prospect. Pai shuddered at the idea fully hit him: hundreds of tiny, annoyingly hyper children running around his ship, ruining his paperwork and experiments as well as everything else they could get their small, grubby hands on. It was terrifying.

"See what I mean?" Kisshu asked, seeing Pai's shudder.

"You're right. One of us should talk to Taruto. Just in case," Pai agreed.

"Good! Alright, it's settled then! You'll talk to Taruto!" Kisshu concluded, grinning with golden eyes that spoke of mischief.

""When was that decided?! I have research to do! I can't!" Pai exclaimed suddenly. His voice had risen an octave or two and must have sounded quite funny for Kisshu seemed to be holding in laughter rather unsuccessfully.

"You're always doing research Pai, and I'm busy," He chortled.

"Doing what?" Pai asked, raising a questioning eyebrow.

"Bugging my Koneko-chan of course! I haven't seen her beautiful, smiling face in two whole days!" Kisshu explained. Just the subject of her made the green-haired alien happier, Pai noted, as his grin transformed into a huge smile. Well at least he was back to normal. But wait-!

"Ah well, I gotta be off now Pai! Ja ne! Good luck!" Kisshu said and before Pai could stop him had teleported off the ship.

"Kisshu! Wait Kisshu! You can't leave me to do it! Kisshu!" Pai shouted at the spot where the alien had been just moments ago. Unfortunately, he didn't come back.

00000

Pai was in a state of panic. It had been two hours since Kisshu had teleported off the ship and he hadn't come back yet. Normally he would have been back by now. So either he had been rejected yet gain by the cat Mew Mew and was somewhere in the park or by some miracle the girl had decided to actually give Kisshu a chance. The former was far more likely than the latter. Pai doubted that option would happen even if the world turned upside out, or however the Earth saying went. He could just picture Kisshu sitting in some tree smirking at the pain he knew Pai would be going through.

"Darn that Kisshu! He knows I'm no good with things like this! He did this on purpose!" Pai yelled, cursing Kisshu for the umpteenth time.

"Hey Pai, I'm back!" Pai's ears quivered as he hoped that the voice belonged to Kisshu and that he could now be the one to talk to Taruto. Unfortunately for the eldest alien the voice his ears so anxiously wanted to be Kisshu was none other than Taruto himself.

Pai paled. He had forgotten that Taruto had gone out with all the stress he had to deal with. He'd left earlier because the monkey had wanted him to meet her in the park. But now he was back and Kisshu wasn't, which ensured that Pai would be the one to administer "The Talk." Now he wished that he had been thinking of what to say for the last two hours instead of panicking and vainly hoped that Kisshu would come back.

He gulped and stood from his chair. He closed his eyes, took in a deep breath of air, and released it. Kisshu wasn't going to come; he'd have to do this. It was between doing this or facing the inevitable hoards of children to come, and that was not an option. Pai opened his eyes and stepped out of his room and into Taruto's. Taruto was writing something and instantly stopped, face flushed ever so slightly, when Oai walked into the room.

"Kisshu and I have decided that you and I are going to have a talk," Pai said.

"About what? I haven't done anything wrong!" Taruto protested.

"I didn't say you had. We're going to talk about sex," Pai said blatantly. No use beating around the bush. Better to get the horror over and done with.

Tart's face had gone an odd shade of red that reminded Pai of Kisshu's cat girl's hair. This was obviously not what Taruto had been expecting him to talk about. Oh no. Not Pai, the unemotional, bland, and boring one of the group. But perhaps, Pai reasoned, perhaps it was better that he was teaching Taruto and not Kisshu. Kisshu surely wouldn't have been able to talk to Taruto about... this topic... in the correct manner as needed to be taught. Heck, after Kisshu was done with him Taruto would be just as bad as he was with women. So yes, this was definitely the better course of action. That realization didn't make this any more comfortable, seeing as how Taruto's face was still beet red and Pai's own sported a faint blush.

"You are not a little child anymore Taruto. We realize that you are more mature now and wish to mingle with members of the female population, in particular that Mew," Pai began.

"But I-!"

"It is of no use trying to deny that you like her, because Kisshu has decided that you both like each other, and after carefully analyzing all the questions you have asked the who of us about your 'friend's' problems, I have concluded that those problems are in all actuality your own and that Kisshu is correct. So there is no point in denying your attraction to her when I know otherwise," Pai finished. Taruto said nothing and Pai decided that he had won. The easy part was over, now it was time for the hard part.

"Now that you are older...," Pai began. He paused and frowned. How did one go about discussing the subject of sex? "...and your body is changing," He continued, "you will start to notice, for lack of a better word, the female population. Notice as in become attracted to because I know that you have already noticed the female population and noticed that they exist, but now you will start to-"

"Pai!" Taruto interrupted, "You're rambling." Pai stopped his talking and from making even more of a fool out of himself and closed his eyes to reorganize his thoughts. Damn this subject!

"Well, as I was saying, you will start to notice the female population and become attracted to them. This is normal and happens to everybody," Pai said.

"Why doesn't it happen to you?" Taruto interrupted.

"What?"

"Well you never act like you're attracted to any girls. So why doesn't it happen to you?" Taruto questioned. Pai stopped. He didn't like being put on the spot, and now he was definitely on the spot. He grew more and more uncomfortable by the second as Taruto continued to look at him with inquisitive amber eyes that demanded an answer.

Oh, he doesn't know you like the fishy, does he? The annoying voice was back. I don't like her, Pai argued back, somewhere in the far back reaches of his mind aware that this behavior was not normal. Sure you don't. For someone you don't like, you sure do think about her a lot, ne?

"Shut up!" Pai demanded. Taruto looked at Pai and he realized that he had just said the words out loud instead of directing them to his subconscious. Now Taruto looked at him like he were crazy.

"Never mind that. And we are talking about you Tart, not me. Now, as you become attached to females you will begin to notice how they look. Some you will like and others you will not. You will want to talk to the females you like and you will want to be around them. Eventually you will find one you like more than the others and will pine for her emotions. An example of this is what Kish is doing in his futile attempt to win the cat Mew's heart. If the girl you pine for does not like you then she will act much as the cat Mew does to Kisshu. There is however a good chance than the person you like will return your emotions and the two of you will start a relationship. You and the yellow Mew are in one," Pai said. He took a deep breath and prepared himself for the next topic to discuss.

"Once you have been in your relationship for a bit you will begin to feel certain urges that are natural and normal to every person. These urges are a result of your hormones and they will make you want to do certain things, more specifically, participate in sexual activities." Taruto's face was bright red now and Pai could clearly feel the heat on his own cheeks. For all his calm and precise wording on the inside he was a mess of panic. He very much did not want to discuss this subject, but maybe now that he had said the dreaded word it would be easier. Unfortunately, it wasn't.

"Sex is a normal part of our life and of the lives of humans, and both species participate in it regularly for reasons such as pleasure or reproduction. Sex can be a fun thing but you must use caution while having it, especially with humans. Humans have horrible diseases called sexually transmitted diseases or STDs. It may be possible for us to catch these diseases if we engage in unsafe sexual activities, and so that it why protection must be used."

At this point in the lecture Pai had a horrid revelation: what if Taruto needed a more explicit talk than this? What if he didn't even know what sex was? His head screamed at him that he would have to know, but as Kisshu said earlier, was he really going to take that chance? What if he didn't but eventually found out?

"It seems I've gotten ahead of myself," Pai amended, blushing even more know with this new subject. "Before I talk about the dangers of sex I need to talk about the act of sex. I'll assume that you have already gotten an erection at some time in your life?"

"P-... P-P-P-P-Pai!" Taruto interrupted, face red and horrified.

"There's no need to be embarrassed Taruto. We are both men here and it happens to all of use," Pai said, never mind the fact that he was blushing so furiously the tips of his ears had turned red and that his voice was now very unsteady.

"But Pai I-!"

"Tart, listen," Pai commanded. Taruto fell silent and Pai coughed quietly before continuing. "An erection occurs when blood floods the penis and makes it hard. The smallest sensation can cause an erection when your hormones are so active at this stage of your life." Taruto looked like he wanted to die and Pai felt the same way. Oh, Kisshu was going to pay for this.

"As you know, a woman has a vagina. During sex or intercourse the erected penis enters the vagina and moves within it until ejaculation. The sperm enters the uterus of the woman and fertilizes the egg there and the woman becomes pregnant," Pai continued.

"Pai, please I-!" Taruto tried to interrupt again but Pai shot him a look and he quieted.

"Pregnancy is a hard thing to deal with, and a baby needs to be taken care of for a long time. A person your age cannot deal with a baby and so to prevent one from being born when you have sex you must use protection. Protection comes in the form of condoms that go over the penis and prevent sperm from entering the female at the time of ejaculation. They also prevent you from contracting any diseases, so whenever you participate in a sexual activity you must wear a condom," Pai finished.

Uncomfortable silence befell them. Taruto's gaze was stuck firmly on the ground and Pai silently looked at Taruto. He had finished the deed and now he didn't know what else to do.

"Do you... have any questions?" Pai asked.

"Pai...," Taruto said quietly, "Kisshu already told me all of this Pai. I-I tried to tell you but you wouldn't let me."

Pai said nothing. He turned around. Quietly left the room. And promptly passed out on the floor outside of Taruto's room.

Woot! So that was it! And strangely enough, writing someone talk about sex is a lot more awkward than writing about the deed itself. O.o Anyways, I'm sure my explanation isn't exactly as scientific as Pai would like, but hey! Crudeness ftw.