Title: Dear Diary
Fandom: Prince of Tennis- Mukahi Gakuto
Characters: Mukahi Gakuto
Prompt: 84 - He
Rating: PG
Word Count: 945
Summary: a diary entry during Gakuto's time with Yamato. It's towards the end of the relationship, so there's angst and bitterness. Gakuto feels as if he's hit bottom, and desperately wants to get his life back
Disclaimer: I still don't own them. I wish I did.
A/N: this is a reworked diary entry of mine from 4 years ago. I needed something to show the pain that Gakuto is feeling, so what better way than to use personal experience. I know things repeat themselves, but I'm leaving it this way. It's a diary entry; it's not supposed to be coherent. (that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it).
Dear Diary
One year left. That's all I have. I can make it; I have to. I need to get away though. I want to run, but I don't want to throw away four years of school to get away from one asshole. I can't take it any more!
I look at another person and he freaks. I'm not supposed to think of him as a boyfriend; how could I when he's getting married next year. He tells me that I have to start looking for someone to replace him, but as soon as I take an interest, he loses it. I don't even have to be interested in the person sexually, and he gets jealous. I wish he'd make up his mind. I know I'm not much, but I'd like someone who wants me, not just my body.
I want someone who wants to talk to me about anything; the weather, books, movies, anything! Instead, I get someone who walks into my apartment, locks the door, drops his pants and tells me to suck it. If I don't do it right away, he forces me. Thank god he's never ripped any hair out. It's felt like it, but it hasn't happened yet.
When did I become so pathetic? I was never like this. Hell, I had a backbone four years ago. Why did I change? Was I that desperate after high school? Did I want someone to love me that much? I know this isn't love, but at least he's paying attention to me. I should be happy for that. I don't want to be alone.
Can I leave him? What's going happen after I'm finished school? Should I go back home? Will he let me leave? He tells me almost every day now that he doesn't need me. He gets pissed off at me when I tell him he should stay away. I know I shouldn't say anything; it pisses him off. I can't help it though. I want something for me. Yamato is an ass. I know he'll read this. I'm not allowed to keep anything from him. At least he's not here now. I'm lonely though. I make no sense.
I should call Yuushi. He always seems to know what to do. I don't want him to know about this though. I don't want him to know how low I've fallen. I'm dirty; he won't want me after this. I wouldn't blame him; I wouldn't want me either.
I must have been desperate. Yuushi didn't want me; he only wanted to be friends. I'm fine with that, really. No matter what, he's my best friend. We've been through a lot together. Those years during high school were the worst, well, not really the worst. They can't even hold a candle to what's happening now. Still, sorting out the inheritance, making sure my mother stuck to the rules set out for her, finding someone to look after Kousuke; that was hard.
This, I can't even begin to describe what this is like. I hate myself, hate what I've become. I'd kill myself, but then there wouldn't be anyone around to watch Kousuke. He's still too young; he wouldn't understand. I can't force something like that on him.
I'm dirty, that's what I am. I'm exactly what he says I am. I'm a bit of a slut (I wouldn't look for other guys if I wasn't that way) and I'm worthless. I wouldn't let something like this happen to me if I was worth something. When did I become so pathetic?
When did he change? That first year was perfect. I thought it was just the two of us, I thought I would be happy. For a bit, I was. Then the comments started; not too bad at first, I didn't notice them in the beginning. Things like "I hope you know I'm not always going to be around" and "do you really need it that badly?" I still remember the first time he got mad when I looked at another guy. The anger, I couldn't believe it. He'd just finished telling me that I wouldn't always have him around and I should look for someone else. I thought I was doing what he wanted. I started talking to the new guy at work. He was nice; smart and good looking. He was tall, which reminded me of Yuushi. Maybe that's what set him off, I still don't know. I should have known better.
He was waiting for me when I got home; that was something that rarely happened. I barely had the door shut before he grabbed me and dragged me to the bedroom. That was the first time he told me I was a slut. I couldn't believe it; I hadn't been with anyone else. Though Yuushi and I fooled around, Yamato was the first person I'd had sex with. He's the only person I've had sex with. He doesn't believe me though. God he was rough that night. At least I didn't bruise as bad as I thought I would. Since that night, things have been different.
I have to tell him where I'm going. I have to tell him who I'm going to be with. If I don't call him when I get home, he shows up at the door. If I ask about his fiancée, he gets mad. "It's none of your business!" that's the answer I get. He says nothing will change when they get married. He doesn't know I'm planning on going back to Tokyo. I can't tell him. I'm scared. What if I am the slut he says I am? Will Yuushi still want me?