When did he get so... Attractive?
Matsuda tapped his pen idly as he cast a long look to the side of him to his fellow investigator. He had known and worked with Ide for about two to three years, but could not recall having felt this way toward the man ever before. It was only yesterday when Ide had come back to the task force, and Matsuda had discovered something particularly alluring about him.
It must have been a refreshed newness that Ide had brought into the task force. For six years it was basically the same people, with the only exception of Wedy and Aiber. During much few years that Ide had quit the task force for continuing to work as an investigator, it was rare that Matsuda would see Ide since the task force and NPA were no longer cooperating.
After all, time has a funny way of bringing people together.
Ide must have felt watched, as he glanced quickly toward Matsuda out of the corner of his eye every once in a while. When he did this, Matsuda would merely act as though he were doing something or would just offer something of a goofy smile. Eventually, however, it began to bother Ide. He turned to Matsuda with a questioning glance, "What?"
Matsuda simply shrugged and grinned, "Nothing."
This was, of course, met with a suspicious look from Ide before he went back to watching the monitors that he was assigned to watch. The rest of their monitoring duty was slightly awkward, though Ide did his best to ignore his co-worker.
Thinking about his co-worker was quite distracting, and Matsuda knew that intra-departmental relationships were greatly frowned upon-- destroying much of the likelihood of a relationship, even if he did have a chance. He knew he should just drop the cause.
But his heart dictated otherwise.
"Hey, Ide-san?" Matsuda watched the screens that he was assigned as if he'd been watching them the whole time, not bothering to turn his gaze toward the objection of his affection.
Ide looked over with a questioning look, which Matsuda could see out of the corner of his eye.
Nervous, Matsuda lost the courage he had mounted and simply ended up blurting something dumb, "Do you think something'll happen?"
This question caused Ide to turn his attention onto Matsuda's screens, "Maybe."
By this time, Matsuda was hoping that Ide didn't think the oh-so popular idea that Matsuda was just a dumb fool. That, and he hoped Ide didn't spot the vague tinge of crimson that he could feel burning on his cheeks. Defeated, he leaned back in his chair with a quiet sigh.
Misconstruing this action, Ide simply noted, "If you're getting tired, someone else might trade shifts with you."
"N-no, I'm alright," Matsuda waved his hand dismissively and grinned sheepishly.
Ide nodded and went back to work.
Okay, okay; I'll just try to focus on these monitors and get through this shift, then I can go and try to get him completely off my mind, Matsuda consoled himself. He was confident that he could force himself to go through his shift and focus on the work at hand. After all, he was an investigator and investigating was what he was supposed to do. Not daydream about a co-worker.
What bothered him, however, was that beside maybe Light or Soichiro, Matsuda had never felt such a way about a man. He didn't feel strange about feeling fond of Light because, well, who wasn't? Soichiro, too, wasn't as strange, as it was much more of an intense admiration than actual love. Nevertheless, it was somewhat intriguing-- No, no. It wasn't intriguing; it wasn't right. Matsuda shook his head, attempting to shake the thought. He was and always would be attracted to women, and as far as he could tell, so was Ide. There was no chance. Not at all.
Once his shift was over, Matsuda stood and quietly left the room for his own. To his surprise, he was followed by another.
"Matsuda-san," a familiar voice called to him.
Stopping short, Matsuda turned around. "Y-yeah?"
"You seemed really out of it," Ide spoke when he caught up. "Are you alright?"
Matsuda nodded, "Yes, I was just… uh." He hoped that the burning feeling of embarrassment wasn't visible to Ide, or anyone for that matter.
Ide looked unconvinced, "Are you sure? You're flushed…"
That did nothing to alleviate Matsuda's nervousness; in fact, it only made it worse. Matsuda laughed nervously, "No, its okay. Really."
"You've been acting strangely, Matsuda-san…" Ide couldn't figure out whether Matsuda had begun acting like before he'd returned to the task force or because he had. Or maybe it was just that Matsuda was just sick and didn't want to admit it because he figured that someone would force him to recover rather than be of use in the investigation? Whatever the case, Ide wanted to sort it out.
Matsuda grinned sheepishly and laughed, "R-really?"
Ide nodded, "Do you have a problem with me being back on the task force?"
"Of course not!"
"You kept looking at me."
So he must have seen. Knowing that his covert glances weren't so covert, Matsuda felt like a fool, "About that… I don't know."
He was given an odd look from Ide that compelled him to actually explain. Matsuda sighed, "Alright, alright. I'm fond of you, Ide-san."
"What?"
Matsuda couldn't decide whether it was Ide hoping that he heard him wrong or that Ide was just in some sort of disbelieve. Neither situation made Matsuda all too happy. "I said I was fon--"
"I know. I heard you."
The only thing Matsuda could do is look at Ide quietly, hoping that he would gain some kind of context clue to how the man was taking it. He didn't expect that Ide would take it well. After all, not too many straight men might be flattered if another man felt for him in a level more than a friendship. If he could, he would have taken back what he had let his love interest know. Thus was the trouble of being impulsive about the things he said.
Closing his eyes, Ide tried to compose himself. He hadn't expected his friend to admit to such a thing, and couldn't make out just what he thought about it. Ide had never thought of Matsuda in the way that Matsuda had thought of him, and he wasn't sure how to respond either. It was not that he was inexperienced in love--although he was not overly experienced either--but he had never come across this type of situation. How does one respond to a friend's confession of love?
Uncomfortable in the silence, Matsuda laughed and slapped Ide on the back. It was just easier to act like nothing had happened. "I'm heading back to my room, Ide-san. You can come and talk if you want."
He didn't give Ide a chance to respond either way, and simply headed back to his room casually-- or at least as casual as he could make it look. Matsuda both dreaded and was excited to hear footsteps following after him, his heart racing. In his anxiousness, he found himself walking rather quickly and thus slowed to his normal pace. It was, however, quite difficult to maintain a level disposition in this situation.
Once Matsuda arrived at his room, he hesitated closing the door a moment so that Ide could come in. However, much to his disappointment, Ide continued walking. Likely, his aim was just as Matsuda's--to go to his own room.
After a moment or two, Matsuda closed his door and dropped himself rather dejectedly to sit on the bed. He slumped in defeat, moving to undo his tie to make himself more comfortable while he was at it. He never expected anything like this when he'd woken up this morning. In fact, he had just expected a day like any other. Why did today have to be so miserable? From what he knew, it had been a nice, sunny day-- one of those days that nothing could go amuck.
He couldn't change the past. All he could do was work toward a less awkward workplace. This could probably be achieved through, well, making sure that Ide no longer thought he had feelings for him as well as getting over Ide in the first place. Dealings with love was sometimes easier said than done, so Matsuda was sure it would be a bumpy ride. He just would try to make the best of it.
Quite some time had gone by, and Matsuda decided it was about time to go to bed. As for thinking about his situation with Ide, Matsuda figured that it was better left alone for the night. If he needed to, he would deal with it. But that was for a later day.
Reporting to work the next morning was a difficult endeavor. Matsuda felt tired from the night prior, and as much as he promised himself that he wouldn't worry about it, he didn't sleep well. That, and a dread hung over him like a storm cloud. Still, he put on a smile and headed out to headquarters.
The last thing Matsuda wanted to do was be considered to be even less use than he'd already been considered. With this in mind, it was already blatant that he could not be bothered by unrequited feelings--or any feelings for that matter.
After a few days, Matsuda had come to find that his little crush had dissipated. He did still find Ide inexplicably attractive, he had successfully "moved on" like he had been trying to do. It was a great relief and a giant burden removed from his shoulders; there needn't be a reason to feel awkward around Ide anymore. In that regard, Matsuda's actions were legitimately normal.
"Matsuda-san," Ide had caught up with Matsuda after his shift.
"Hm?" In response, Matsuda looked curiously over to his co-worker.
Ide seemed nervous, almost. Perhaps unsure. Whenever Matsuda's eyes met his, his eyes darted away in an adverted gaze. "I was thinking about what you said before."
What I said before, Matsuda speculated. He grinned foolishly in an act of playful teasing, "That you have no sense of romance? Its okay, Ide-san!"
Crimson burned on Ide's cheeks, the man was silent.
How Ide reacted thoroughly made him feel bad. He had expected that his romantically-challenged co-worker to react as per before--shout angrily in embarrassment. The reaction was funny and usually only resulted in temporary brooding, but he never really meant to hurt the man with what he said. Matsuda's grin melted slowly into a frown, "I-I'm sorry, Ide-san. I didn't mean to offend you."
"No, no. Its alright," Ide responded coolly.
Still frowning, Matsuda shook his head. "Really, I'm sorry. But what were you going to say?"
It seemed as though Ide was doubting that he should say what he was meaning to. Irony was, honestly, dripping from the situation. Ide was very well-acquainted with the literary term for the situation he was now in. A similar situation had happened in reverse roles only a few days prior.
Quickly stepping in front of Ide, Matsuda stopped and put both hands on his shoulder. "Ide-san," Matsuda offered a reassuring smile. "Just tell me, okay?"
Averting his eyes, Ide continued to consider. A moment later, he shook his head, "No. It wasn't important anyway."
Before Matsuda could come up with a retort, Ide broke away and walked off. He didn't want to deal with this, especially because the other man refused to take his seriously. They hadn't been around each other much the past few years, and Matsuda never seemed to mind poking fun at him. He didn't know if it was unintentional or not, but it bothered him. Why would he bother admitting his love to a man who always jerked his chain?
Stunned by this reaction, Matsuda remained where he was with an utterly confused look and watched as the other man walked off. He couldn't help but feel bad; however, he was sure it would be counterproductive to chase after him now. Rather, he would drop by Ide's later.
Its only when you think you've gotten over someone that they come back into your life and you have to start all over. Matsuda found that he couldn't get Ide back out of his mind, especially because he wanted to know what Ide had to say. It could have been anything from a belated response to Matsuda admitting his affection to something as simple as an off-hand statement he'd made at some point. He could think of hundreds of different things.
Finally, his curiosity got the better of him. Beside that, he wanted to make sure that Ide knew that he didn't mean it when he teased. Of course, he headed over to Ide's room.
Knock knock; Ide's attention was drawn from the book he'd settled down to read as someone knocked on his door. Without much thought, he put his bookmark in, closed and put down the book, and answered the door. Upon seeing Matsuda standing there, Ide frowned and considered just closing the door. However, his urge to close the door lost to his wanting to retain a polite affiliation as a co-worker at least.
"I'm sorry I offended you earlier, Ide-san." Matsuda rubbed the back of his head. "I only meant to joke around with you. I wasn't trying to upset you."
The apology was returned with a dull look and an equally unenthusiastic nod.
Hurt by the cold way his apology was received, Matsuda frowned, "What more do you want me to do? I apologized to you, but you're still mad at me. I'll do anything, Ide-san. What can I do that will stop you from being mad at me?"
The door was closing, and Matsuda didn't want to let this go so easily. With this in mind, he wedged himself in the doorway so that Ide could not close the door, "Damn it, Ide-san! Please!"
Knowing that he had lost this round because he could not close out his co-worker, he stopped trying and allowed Matsuda to make it to the other side of the door before closing it. Without a word, he walked back over to go back to his reading.
Stubborn, Matsuda followed and sat down near him. He didn't say anything, allowing the silence to envelop the room and hang over their heads like a dark storm cloud. It bothered him, but waiting it out was as good as it seemed that it would get.
Ide had his literature, enabling him to ignore the offending man and so he didn't mind the silence much at all. Matsuda, on the other hand, was much too impatient about it.
Matsuda finally shouted in frustration and mussed his hair. Instinctively, Ide glanced up to see what Matsuda was doing but went back to reading once he confirmed that it was just a harmless act of frustration; he felt bad that he was giving the other man the cold shoulder, but there wasn't much else he could do.
Not being able to take it any longer, Matsuda stood and lunged forward. His hands landed on either side of Ide, he himself leaning forward enough that he could move in for a swift kiss.
Not only startled from the forcefulness of the approach but also surprised by the following action, Ide instinctively jerked back and stared.
This, too, was not the response that Matsuda had wanted, but he couldn't blame the man. He felt ashamed of his action, and wished that he hadn't so impulsively carried it out. Sheepishly, he shrunk back before heading toward the door to leave.
It took a moment for Ide to react, his face burning. "M-Matsuda-san."
Wincing, Matsuda stopped mid-reaching for the knob and looked over his shoulder.
Ide stood, putting his book down before starting toward Matsuda. He was nervous of the reaction he would warrant, even amidst all that had happened, but he decided that it was stupid to try and act the way he had been acting. Matsuda was just one of those people that you couldn't stay mad at for a long duration of time; and not only that, but he had found that he did have some feelings for Matsuda. It had taken him so long to respond to Matsuda's declaration a few days back because he was deliberating and trying to decide exactly how he had felt about it. He was about to admit it previously, but had been far too afraid to say it after he had been, how he perceived it, as ill-natured teasing. But would Matsuda really tease someone out of some sort of cruelty? It didn't seem likely.
Exhaling deeply and silently, he prepared himself. "Matsuda-san, I was thinking about what you had said a few days ago."
Matsuda turned, finally, to face his speaking co-worker. Knowing that a speech had begun this way before that Ide responded negatively to his joking, he said nothing but nodded.
He was never good at this, which was one of the reasons that he wasn't so romantically fortunate. It always made him feel so nervous, so naked. "I was thinking about how you said that you were fond of me. I wasn't sure before, but now I'm certain."
Silently, Matsuda hoped that the other man would hurry up and say what he thought the man was going to say. He was sure that he knew what it was, and the eagerness to hear it was killing him.
"I love you."