A very
Red
X-mas
Yet another fanfic, now with ma #1 favourite character in the series, Robot Santa. Enjoy!
It was the day before Christmas, and everyone was scurrying around, finding the closest bomb shelter and any RPG (Rocket propelled grenade). they could find. As Gord was walking towards the PE building that morning, he noticed these actions taking place, and wondered what the hell was going on.
As he was passing by, he would see crazy gifts like a Hot Wheels nuclear powered miniature '67 Shelby Mustang with built in heat seeking missiles for ages five and up, Big Bad Barbie bombardment units, Barney scorch en torch huggable flamethrower play set and orange flavoured suicide pills for stocking stuffers. These items shuffled through his head until he reached the PE building.
He noticed something different about the building, it was covered with an extra thick layer of dolomite and it had a large turret at the top that had "Merry X-mas BTCH" written on it. He then entered the building. As he walked through the entrance, Leela spotted him.
"Gord! Stop! You're going to step on the trap!" She yelled as she rushed to him.
"What tra-." Then, Gord stepped on an invisible trip wire. The centre of the lounge floor suddenly opened up with a fiery pit of spikes and alligators with space helmets on their heads sticking out if it
Then, ray guns from each side of the wall popped up and fired wildly. Gord screamed and ducked, until Leela dodged the lasers and dragged Gord into the conference room. Just then the professor walked in with a .60 cal Rifle.
"Dammit! He's here already! Waste that son of a monkey!" Shouted the professor as he shot at Gord's direction, barely missing his head as he ducked. As it passed him, it hit a picture of him square in the face.
"Professor be careful!" Screamed Leela as she took the rifle away from him." You almost hit poor Gord!"
"Yea! Pretty damn good accuracy for an old guy though." Said Gord as he brushed himself off.
"Yes well, if only I could aim that well in the bathroom, but never mind that, right now I must add a nuclear missile to the angry dome, you can't say angry without being able to blow up your enemies in a million pieces." Said the maniacal Professor as he exited the room with an evil laugh.
"I'd like to ask the question that is to what the hell is going on right now." Asked Gord. As he and Leela entered the T.V. room. He seen Bender and Fry drinking beers watching "All My Circuits Christmas special."
"Cram it meatbag." Said Bender as he was guzzling his beer.
"Yea cram it meatbag." Said Fry as he was too guzzling his beer.
"This will probably answer your question kiddo." Said Leela as she sat next to Fry. Then they watched the TV.
"Calcoulon, I have to tell you something, but if I tell you, we will die!" Said that Fembot.
"Whatever it is, I can take it." Said Calcoulon.
"Well, you see…I'm dating Robo Santa!"
Just then you can see a crappy version of Robo Santa, it was clearly Sal in the suit, because his gut was showing and the mask only covered his cheeks and eyes.
"Arrgh! I's the scary Santa Robots things." Said Sal as he was trying to charge at the couple, but his back cracked from all of his weight, and he fell down to the ground.
"Oi's, why's does I's keeps this toughs guys images's" He said as the shows crew rushed to help him up.
"Wow, that was interesting, so did you learn anything from that?" Said Fry as he shut off the T.V.
"Uh that a fat guy can't run?" Answered Gord.
"Exactly." Responded Fry.
Leela sighed. "Every year, since the early 2800's a Robotic Santa malfunctioned and thinks that everybody is naughty, so instead of giving everybody presents, he gives them a round of bullets."
"Eeep." Squeaked Gord. "W-well, shouldn't we at least get like Christmas gifts or something?"
"Nah, we're usually busy with the setting of the death traps and going on one last suicidal mission we are usually assigned by now for the rest of the year." Said Bender.
"Which should be…" Fry continued.
"Good news everyone! You are going on your last suicidal mission of the year!" Said the Professor before he blanked.
"Which is?" Continued Gord.
"My ha-wha? Oh right, I have to put up that nuclear missile in my angry dome, you can't say angry without blowing up your enemies. So long whoever you are." And he was off before anybody could say anything. Just then Dr.Zoidberg walked in, but with a squid like woman behind him.
"Hello friends! I'd like you to meet my new Lady friend, Mutilda." He said with a large grin on his face as Mutilda (Who is the squid on "war is the 'h' word.") walked up to the crew.
"Sup peeps, it's a pleasure to meet you." She said in a gangsta accent.
Everybody greeted her and shook her tentacles.
"Well everybody, we got some business to take care of, some business involving barnacle" Said Zoidberg as he and Mutilda giggled, then they exited the room. Just then Kif and Amy entered the room, Kif was carrying a laptop under his arm.
"Hey everyone! Kiffy was able to make it here today!" Said Amy as she and Kif walked up to them. Just as Bender finished his beer, he noticed the laptop in Kif's hands.
"Woah mama, come to daddy!" He said as he rushed up to the couple and grabbed the laptop.
"You've been a very laggy girl haven't you." Bender said as he left the room with his new found freind.
"Well, we better go too, Kif and I are going to help decorate the upstairs rec room. See you later." Said Amy as she exited out the room, but then slipped on a banana peel and made both her and Kif fall on the ground.
Then, Leela Fry and Gord sat on the couch and watched the T.V. until Hermes came with the yearly X-mas cards.
"Happy X-mas people, it's X-mas time you know! X-mas!" Screamed Hermes as he barged through the room.
"Here is one for you Leela, and one for you Fry." He said as he handed them their cards.
"Aw I got one from you." Said Fry, looking at Leela.
"And I got one from you too!" responded Leela, and then they kissed each other.
"And now, last but not least." Gord started to smile. "Me." Then Gord frowned angrily.
"I wonder what she got me, oh! It's the forms to allow her here for the night! She's so great, I'm going to sign these up now!" Said Hermes as he left. Only Leaving Gord and the couple who were still kissing.
"Forget this I'm going to see what the professor is up to, he is the only other person that's lonely around here." Gord said to himself, and he left. As he made his way to the professor's lab, when he heard what seemed like two pig-ligers having asthma problems. He decided to check to see what was going on. As he entered the lab he seen mom and the Professor starting to make out.
"Oh my god." He said trying to hold back his vomit, and then he quickly ran out. He walked down the stairs and walked near the front doors.
"I'm going out for a walk." Gord said out loud, nobody really listened to him because they were too busy doing activities with their…partners. Gord always made a dirty look when he thought of that word. Well today anyways. He put his coat on and walked outside. As he walked outside, noticed that it wasn't as cold in NNY in the wintertime then it was in Halifax. He really missed his hometown, even though it was a dump. Then he had a flashback.
He remembered walking through a gate that said 'city dump' when he was twelve. He always had to walk through the piles of garbage just to get to his house, which was right beside the landfill. The exterior of his house was pretty ugly, with tires and car parts and the dead, uncut grass surrounding the house. He sighed and went inside, only to find his parents wasted on the kitchen floor. He sighed again and read a note that was stuck on his mother's forehead.
It read:
Dear crap head,
We want you to make us that macaroni with cheese again, with cracker bits and cheetoh's on it this time. Get cookin'!
Then he sighed and did as they asked. After he made the dinner, he picked five dollars from his room and decided to buy himself a donair. As he entered the pizzeria, he noticed a blonde haired girl named Jeanne O'Connor (Yes I know, crappy names). She was kind of tall, wearing a pink coat and blue pants. Then she noticed that Gord was looking at her.
"What are you looking at dork." She yelled as she was pointing at Gord.
"Oh, uh nothing." He said with a grin on his face. Then for no reason she took her pizza piece and smacked it in Gords face. As he was about to cry to this thought, he was interrupted by a large shadow in his way. He looked up and it appeared to be robot Santa.
"Ho, ho, ho." He said slowly as his eyes turned downward, making him look evil.
"Oh my god, are you Santa!" Said Gord with a large grin on his face.
"Why yes I am, and you are Gord, I'm correct." Responded Santa.
"EEEEE he knows my name!"
"Ah yes, and I also know your weaknesses and work schedules." Santa said as he pulled out a sheet of paper that had all of his personal info.
"Uh, ok, so are you um, going to give me a present." Gord said, now with a nervous look on his face.
"Oh don't worry about that, do you like power tools little Gordy?" The evil robot said, as he was reaching for something from his 'presents' sack.
"Uhh, sure I like to use them."
"Good, because it looks like I got a chainsaw right here!" He said as he brought out the chainsaw and tried to hack Gords head of with it, but Gord ducked and ran screaming.
"Get back here! I got more toys for you to be tested on!" Said Robo Santa as he chased him. As he neared the PE building, he noticed that the Robo Santa was riding in his sled, but this time it had a cannon on the front and it was black with spikes on the side. Then the maniacal Robot pushed a button, witch made two gattling guns pop out.
"I hope you like Christmas lights, up your ass that is!" He said as he shot out thousands of light bulbs at him. Gord screamed and rolled out of the line of fire. Then he banged on the doors. But before anybody let him in, he turned around and noticed that Santa lowered his slay, and a large candy cane coming out of the cannon.
"Aw he's just giving me a candy cane." Said Gord with a smile on his face.
"Damn right I'm giving you a candy cane." Said Santa as he shot it out of the cannon. Gord screamed, but then the professor opened the door.
"Eh wha? Who are you?" He said as he looked down on him.
"I'm Gord! We gotta get inside now" He responded frantically.
"Who?"
"Gord! You know, Canadian boy who got frozen?"
Still nothing.
"Arrgh, the delivery boy's assistant."
"Wha?"
"DOOMSDAY DEVICE!"
"Ah yes Gord, come right in." Said the professor, and they both ran inside right before the missile hit the door.
Gord rushed into the TV room, to find Leela sleeping on top of Fry (WITH their clothes on) on the couch.
"Guys! Guys! Santa is here!" Yelled Gord, making them wake up and land on the floor.
"What? He shouldn't be here now, it's five thirty, he usually comes at eight." Said Leela, rubbing her head and helping Fry up.
"But S-santa, he just attacked me, I almost got killed." Said Gord trying to catch his breath. Just then they heard a sound, it was Santa trying to barge in through the front door.
"Holy Crap he's here!" Said Farnsworth as he went to grab his rifle.
"Ho ho ho! Let poor old Santa in before he sends Robot Jesus after you!" He said as he was trying to bend the doors open.
Just then, Amy, Kif, Zoidberg and Mutilda came running into the room to see what was going on.
"Hello friends, what's going on with the here why not." Said Zoidberg with a grin.
"What's his name, Santa is coming!" Said Fry as he was rubbing his head. Just then the door opened, and it was Santa, except this time he had sub machine guns in both hands.
"Oh snap!" Said Mutilda.
"This can't be good." Said Gord as he backed up slowly as Santa came closer.
"Ha ha, you thought you could out smart me, eeee." He screamed as he fell into the fiery- alligator-with-weird-unnecessary-space-helmet-things-with-huge-poisoned-tipped-spikes-that-come-in-orange-gray-green-or-hotpi- (whacks typewriter over the head with a crowbar) pit. Just as he fell inside, there was a huge explosion that caused his head to pop up to the surface.
End of chapter one, no he's not finished yet.