Ellie had always looked up to Richard. When she'd first met him, she had been impressed by his appearance and his character. He was dark and handsome, he was intelligent, strong and had enough authority to be a leader, though he never took that position. From the beginning, it had been her highest ambition to get his attention, to be praised by him and to impress him like no one else ever had. So when her education started, she paid more attention to classes than any of the other children, she trained harder than anyone else her age and instead of using her free time to relax, she took extra lessons in fighting. Soon, she was fluent in Latin, Spanish and Russian. She knew everything about history that could be known. Her fighting skills outdid those of adolescents a lot older than herself. She had a lot of knowledge about healing and knew how to treat a gunshot wound. The other children labeled her as "odd" and didn't want to have much to do with her but she barely noticed because she never lost sight of her goal. Her ambitions soon were rewarded because she was allowed to take part in important and secret missions. Whereas other teenagers her age still took lessons in Latin or had to improve their weak fighting skills, she was permitted to accompany the adults into the jungle. It didn't take long until they trusted in her skills and stopped watching her every step but gave her important positions in the team. When there was an attack, she never missed her target because she didn't hesitate. She never got trapped by the enemy because she was observant. She also never got fooled by anybody because she could tell when someone was lying to her. Thanks to her qualities, she was allowed to be in the team around Richard and sometimes they even talked to each other. He knew her name and her skills, though he rarely commented on them. But when she did something right, he would smile sometimes and that was better than nothing, though she still wanted him to praise her. She was the youngest member of the team but everyone took her serious. Except for one boy, who was only a few years older than her. His name was Charles and he was as ambitious as she was. He always had to be best at everything and he didn't like to take orders from anyone, not even from Richard. He constantly seemed to ignore her skills and treated her like a baby. They always fought and competed and it made her angry when he beat her at something.
When Ellie was seventeen, she realized her feelings for Richard were more than admiration but that she actually was in love with him. She had always scoffed at other people who fell in love because she considered those feelings as a waste of time and a weakness. Love made people vulnerable and that was something she didn't intend to be. She wanted to prove to everyone that she was strong. So at first, she ignored her feelings. If she didn't think about them, there might be the chance she got over them. Still, she caught herself watching Richard's every move, listening to every word he said and wishing to be hold by his strong arms. She was glad she had learned how to keep a straight face during all her training, so at least her expression wouldn't give her away.
One day, some time after they had buried the hydrogen bomb, she got into a fight with Charles again. They had been on a mission where Charles was in command and he hadn't let her do anything but ordered her to stay in the back. She had protested but he couldn't be persuaded otherwise and she had let the matter go because she didn't want to endanger the mission. But right after they had come back to the camp, she had started an argument that ended in the two of them tussling on the ground. Eventually, Richard had to interfere or matters would have gotten worse. Charles returned to his tent angrily and Ellie wanted to go and blow off steam training, but Richard hold her back.
"I think, you and I need to talk, Ellie," he told her. "Let's take a walk."
She was still so angry she didn't even notice he used the short version of her name, a thing he rarely did. It was something she wished he'd do more often because it always seemed a bit affectionate, while "Eloise" sounded more formal.
They left the camp behind and made their way through the jungle, until they reached a meadow with a view to the valley. It was the perfect place for a picnic, Ellie thought, but unfortunately they hadn't brought the equipment. Nevertheless, Richard took a seat on the ground and motioned her to follow suit. She sat down next to him and waited for his words of disapproval.
"I come here sometimes when I need to calm down or think about something," he told her. "The view is quite beautiful and calming."
She looked at him with surprise. She had expected him to scold her for her behavior.
"I can't imagine that you ever have to calm down," she admitted. "You never seem to lose your temper."
"Oh, it happens from time to time," he said smiling.
She thought about it.
"So you brought me here to calm down?" she asked. Her anger had already cooled off during the walk.
"Yes, but I also wanted to talk to you," he said in a more serious tone.
She looked at him questioningly.
"I've noticed that you've been losing your temper quite a lot, recently," he said. "You and Charles start a quarrel at least twice a day."
"That's not just my fault," Ellie started defending herself. "He's unbearable. He's so arrogant and thinks he's the only one who can do things right. He always treats me like a baby and doesn't allow me to do anything important, though I am competent enough."
"But that didn't bother you that much in the past," Richard said. "You two had fights from time to time but it kept within limits. You used to counter with words, not with fists. Right now it's unbearable. We can't leave the two of you out of sight because we must fear you'll kill each other."
She listened to him in astonishment. He had observed her better than she would have thought, he had even noticed that she had changed. She felt ashamed that he of all things had paid attention to her bad behavior.
"I'm sorry, it's just harder than it used to be," she stated.
"Do you want to talk about it?" he offered.
"I don't know," she said. "It's just ... I'm so confused at the moment. Everything seemed to be so easy until –"
She'd almost let out her secret but just in time stopped herself.
"Until what?" Richard asked. "Did anything happen to you? Do you have any problems? You can talk to me about it."
"I wish I could," she said.
"You can," he said softly. "You go through a difficult phase, right now. You are one of the best in my team but it's normal for your age to start questioning everything you do. If you need some time out, just say the word. Nobody would blame you. You've exceeded all expectations a long time ago. Your skills are very impressive – not only for your age but also for people a lot older than you. Still, you might need a change, some time alone."
She had listened attentively. It was the first time, he had actually complimented her skills and told her what he thought about her.
"It's not that," she explained. "I don't want some time out, I love what I am doing and couldn't imagine anything better."
"Then what is it?" Richard asked. "I don't understand. You said you were confused."
"I am," Ellie said. "My feelings are confused, I'm feeling things I have never felt before. I don't want those feelings, they are distracting me. I tried to ignore them but that only made it worse. Why can't I just get rid of those feelings?"
Understanding spread on his face and he smiled.
"You're in love?" he asked. "Is it Charles? Is that the reason why you two always fight?"
She looked at him appalled.
"Of course it's not Charles, how can you even think I'd be in love with him?" she asked disgusted. "It's someone else."
"I'm sorry if I have offended you but he seemed the most obvious choice," Richard said. "You're nearly the same age."
"Well, he isn't very mature for his age," scoffed Ellie. "Sometimes he acts like a child. Everything has to be about him and he won't accept that there are people as qualified as he is."
She absently played with a blade of grass.
"He'll outgrow that phase," Richard assured her.
"I sure hope so," Ellie said and laid down in the grass. "You're right, this place really is beautiful."
She smiled at him.
"You've grown so much," Richard mused.
"Hm?" Ellie asked.
"It seems like yesterday that you started your education," Richard explained. "You were still very small but you also were the most ambitious student we ever had. All of your teachers were impressed. At first, there still was fear your interest would cease but you never disappointed."
She listened delighted. She had never known he had paid so much attention to her when she was a child. She'd always thought he wouldn't notice her.
"Funny how time passes," Richard said. "Not long ago you were that little girl, trying to be best at everything, now you're all grown up."
"And you haven't aged a day," Ellie mused.
They lapsed into silence. Ellie took in his tanned face, his chocolate brown eyes with the thick lashes and his short, dark hair. He was so handsome. She couldn't imagine a face more perfect than his. He was all she ever wanted. Cautiously, she got closer to him. He sat still like a statue and watched her moving closer. She feared that he would suddenly move away but he still sat immobile. She was now sitting in front of him and the tips of their noses nearly met. Her heart pounded like it was out of control, her face felt hot and her hands were wet with sweat. She dismissed all her concerns and closed the space between them. Her lips softly brushed his and everything around her was blocked out. He immediately opened his mouth and their tongues met. She noticed that he shifted his position, laid his right hand behind her neck and placed her back on the ground, towering over her. They hungrily kissed again and made small moaning sounds. She wanted to touch him and the fire in his eyes told her that he could barely withhold. It made her feel more confident and she started rubbing her hands over his chest. Her right hand found the top button of his shirt and she undid it. Richard pushed her hands aside and started unbuttoning her shirt. It came off and revealed her brown tank top. He kissed her eagerly and moaned. She couldn't really comprehend what was happening. A few minutes ago, she had had problems telling him her feelings and now they were lying on the ground kissing. She wished he would never stop. In the distance, a bird screeched and suddenly Richard pulled back, looking at her with a shocked expression.
"What's wrong?" she asked cautiously, expecting an attack by the enemy.
"I'm so sorry, Ellie," he said. "I don't know what came over me. I shouldn't have done that and I feel horrible about what I did to you. I know, I can't take it back but believe me, it won't happen again."
"What are you talking about?" Ellie asked confused. "What are you apologizing for? There's nothing to be sorry for."
"I took advantage of you!" Richard exclaimed in horror.
"What?" Ellie asked shocked. "I started kissing you. I wanted this."
"But it's wrong!" Richard said. "I never should have responded or encouraged you. You are a minor, you are inexperienced. You have no idea what you're getting yourself involved in. My behavior is inexcusable."
"But we didn't do anything wrong, we both wanted it," Ellie said frustrated.
"It was wrong and can't happen again!" Richard said firmly.
"But I want it to happen again!" Ellie explained. "I want you, Richard! I've wanted you for a long time. I told you about my feelings, that I was in love with somebody. I was talking about you."
"What?" Richard asked taken aback. He tried to reattain his composure. "You don't even know me, Ellie. You don't know who I am, what I've done..."
"That doesn't matter," she said. "I want to get to know you."
Ellie reached out to him but he took hold of her hand before she could touch his face.
"That can't happen," Richard said. His voice had changed into a harsh tone. "I don't feel the same way about you. I'm really sorry I went for you. I was tempted because it's been a long time since I've been with a woman. When you kissed me I lost control, which almost ended badly. I really should have controlled myself better because you and I don't want the same things. You're looking for love, something I can't give you. I'm sorry if I'm hurting your feelings but it's better you hear the truth now, before it's too late."
"So you're telling me you don't care for me?" Ellie asked feeling tears forming in her eyes.
"Of course I care for you, but not in the sense you want me to," Richard said.
"But you think I'm attractive," Ellie said still hopeful. "You wanted me, Richard, you can't fool me."
"Just because it's been such a long time for me," Richard claimed. "It has nothing to do with you. I shouldn't have taken advantage of the situation. You're still a child."
"I'll be eighteen soon," Ellie exclaimed. "And I know perfectly well what I'm doing and what I want. We could be lovers, at least. Why do you refuse? I'm offering you to –"
"Ellie, please stop talking like that," Richard said appalled. "You might pretend that it doesn't matter if I don't return your feelings but I know that you'd be hurt. You deserve to be with someone who loves you back and not just uses you to satisfy his needs. I cannot give you what you want and I won't give in anymore. Besides, Jacob would never approve of our relationship. I have a job to do and can't afford to be distracted."
"To hell with Jacob," Ellie said annoyed. "Doesn't he want you to have a life?"
"Eloise!" Richard said sternly. "Don't speak like that of Jacob. What we did was wrong and should never have happened. It cannot happen again. I don't want to hear anymore about it, end of discussion."
Tears were running down her cheeks and she didn't bother to wipe them away.
"We should get back," Richard said businesslike and got up from the ground. "The others are probably wondering where we are."
He passed her without another glance and made his way back into the forest. She followed him, crying soundless and coping with her broken heart.