"And you're absolutely certain this won't be too much of a burden for you, Alan?" Serena asked anxiously, worrying the hem of her blouse between her fingers as she stared at the wall at nothing. A soft hand touched her arm, and slowly, she turned her head to focus on the younger man. He was wearing a tender, sad, smile on his lips, and she drew in a shuddery breath as she waited to hear what he was going to say.
"It's only for a few hours, and I have the number for his doctor on my phone, just in case there's an emergency, or I have any questions about his care. You need to get going now, Serena." His hand ran down her arm to clasp her hand, squeezing lightly. "You need to stop focusing on this and turn your focus to other things now."
She gave a small nod as she shook her hand loose from his grip. "I know. I'm just not ready, and this is something that I can control."
"Are any of us ever ready for death?"
"No," she breathed out, feeling her throat close up as she thought about Elinor's still, cold, body being lowered into the ground. "I'm not, I'm not…"
"That's why we're here for you, Serena."
She turned to look at Bernie, a fleeting smile curving her lips upwards to see that she had coordinated with her dress, the dark purple tie suiting her so well. "I know," she whispered as she closed the distance between then and allowed Bernie to close her in a tight hug.
"The car Edward hired has just arrived. I told the driver that we'd be out as soon as we said goodbye to Jason." Serena nodded as she pulled Bernie's arm down low on her hips, guiding them both upstairs and into Jason's room. "We've just come to say goodbye, Jason. Alan will be here, if you need anything."
He turned his head to look at them, and Serena felt her heart break all over again at the expression on his face. "But I wanted to go, too. I did everything the doctor said so that I would be well enough to attend."
"But you're not strong enough, darling. I don't want you to hurt yourself any further, because you're all the family that I have left, save Bernie." Going over to his side, she sank down onto the mattress and reached out to caress his face, swiping a few curls out of his eyes as she felt tears prickle her eyes. "Please, you'll set my heart at ease if you stay home."
He nodded as he closed his eyes, his own tears running unabashedly down his face to soak into his pillow. "I miss her, Auntie Serena."
"I do, too, Jason," she whispered before biting her lower lip and turning her gaze up to Bernie. Her partner was giving her a sad look, and she shook her head a little, beckoning her forward. "We, we have to go now. I don't know when we'll be home."
He pursed his lips together as he slowly nodded, turning away from her as he did so. A choked sob caught in her throat, and she blindly stood up, stumbling to find herself safe in Bernie's embrace. "I'll stay by your side, Serena."
"That is the only thing keeping me sane right now," she murmured as they made their downstairs. Bernie pressed her lips against the crown of her head before helping her into her coat as Serena slipped into a pair of black flats. "I don't want to think of her as gone."
"Oh, Serena," Bernie whispered as she shrugged into her pink trench coat. There didn't seem to be any other words to say to each other in that moment, but the silence that fell between them was soft and comfortable, something she hadn't felt in days. Nodding a little, she reached out and took hold of her hand once more, needing the contact with Bernie as they walked out to the waiting town car.
The drive to the church that Edward had insisted the funeral be held in, as if he wanted to give a veneer of religiosity to Elinor's life that had never been present when she was living said life. If it had been up to Serena, she would have just held the service in the funeral home, and be done and dusted. It wasn't like God would raise her daughter from the dead, after all.
A bitter laugh escaped her lips as the car reached the church, and Bernie frowned at her a little. "Serena?"
"You know, we play God every day, and just this once, He couldn't have been grateful to me and saved my daughter? Instead, I have to live through this hell?"
The sigh that slipped from Bernie's lips pierced her to the core, and she curled in on herself as the car came to a halt. And then, her partner was scooting across the seat and bundling her up in her arms as she murmured softly in her ear. The tender affirmation of their love just made her all the more sad, and she bit her lip to keep from sobbing aloud, knowing that if she started crying now, she'd never stop, and she didn't really want to present that face to those waiting.
Before Bernie could say anything, someone was opening the door to the car, and tugging on her arm. Pulling her head away from the crook of Bernie's neck, Serena found herself looking up into her ex-husband's face, and it took everything in her to not glare. "You're late. Is everything okay?"
"I don't know, you tell me, Edward? Is everything okay? Will anything ever be okay again?"
His face fell, and as Serena raked her eyes along his features, she picked out the obvious signs that he had also been crying that morning, and she felt her lower lip tremble even harder as he helped her from the car and into his strong embrace. "That's not going to bring our Ellie back, Serena."
"I know that!" She lifted her chin high into the air as she coolly stared him down, seeing him flinch a little. "Why don't you tell me something I don't know?"
"Cameron has decided to be a pall bearer, in Jason's stead."
"Oh," she gasped out as she tottered backwards into Bernie's open arms, blindly seeking out the comfort of her arms. "Bernie…"
"He didn't tell me that, either." Her voice was thick with unshed tears, and Serena nodded a little as she looked back at Edward. "Where's Liberty?"
"She's inside already. Um, I know this isn't the right time or place, but…she's chosen some arrangements that she'd like to bring home with us."
"That's fine. We have so many arrangements in our home already, I don't think we'll be bringing anything home today."
Bernie rubbed her arm softly, and Serena shuddered a little, fighting off a new round of tears. "There might be something that you want. Don't discount anything just now." She nodded a little before threading her arm through Bernie's and following Edward into the church. From the corner of her eye, she saw Morven and Jasmine seated in the back row, though Jasmine was quick to avert her gaze from Serena's. That was something that she would have to address at a later point, but a piece of her heart was so grateful to have both their F1s there.
The front pew was already occupied by Liberty, and the younger woman popped to her feet, tottering on insanely high heels as she turned to look at Serena, enclosing her in a tight, fake, hug done purely to engender sympathy with those gathered. So as not to cause a scene, Serena returned the embrace before stepping back into Bernie's sphere, allowing her to pull them down onto the pew.
"Sorry I'm late, Mum, Serena. I put the wrong address into my GPS, and then there was traffic." Charlotte crouched down so that she was looking into Serena's face, giving her a soft smile that reminded Serena so much of Bernie. "But I know how important it was for me to be here, supporting you. May, may I hug you?"
"Of course," she whispered, leaning forward and wrapping Charlotte in her arms. "Thank you for coming."
"You're welcome." As Charlotte let go of her, Bernie sighed a little, and Serena watched the girl hug her mum quickly, too, before taking a seat next to her. The organ music paused for a moment, as if the organist had received some unseen cue, and then Elinor's favourite song began to sound through the sanctuary. Serena could no longer hold in her sobs, and before Bernie could do so, Edward was bundling her up in a tight hug, pulling her head to rest upon his chest, allowing her to feel the shudders of his cries.
A tiny part of her wondered if this closeness was upsetting Bernie and Liberty, but then, neither of them had given birth to Elinor, and that bound her and Edward close in that moment. The coffin finally came into view, and Cameron gave Serena a sad smile as he helped to position it before coming over and taking a seat next to Charlotte.
Still, Serena kept herself nestled up close to Edward, allowing Bernie to hold her hand as she stared at the coffin. Vaguely, she knew that the minister was droning on, but she paid no attention up until Edward gently pushed her against Bernie as he got up and approached the cathedra, pulling a few notecards out of his pocket as he stepped in front of the microphone.
"Our daughter had a brief life, and like the brightest flame, she burned out too soon. I'm certain her mother, like myself, is questioning what we could have done differently to protect her, to keep our little girl safe from the world. But now is not the time for that. Now, we have to look at what Elinor did with her life, how she always cared for her grandmothers and for us. We have to look at the love she wanted to share with so many others, and how her life could have been so different, had things changed…" His voice broke, and Serena turned her face into Bernie's neck, feeling the tears start to build in her eyes once more. Slowly, Bernie rubbed her back, the sweeping motions helping to keep her grounded, even as Edward finished up his eulogy of their daughter's life.
"Did you want to say anything, Rena?" he whispered in her ear as he took his seat once more. She shook her head, burrowing closer to Bernie this time, needing the comfort her arms provided since she found herself extremely close to having a panic attack at the mere thought of talking about her baby in front of everyone gathered.
A few moments later, the priest began to speak once more, and Serena zoned out again, knowing that nothing really mattered in that moment. Her Ellie was dead, there was no changing that. There were no pretty words to sugarcoat the truth, and it seemed like no one knew that, or they weren't admitting it. Bernie continued to caress her, keeping the touches church appropriate, but it was almost as if she couldn't feel them, like her body had become unfeeling wax when she hadn't been paying attention.
And then, Edward was prodding her side, taking hold of her hand and helping her to her feet. Serena copied the movement with her partner, and they followed after the casket, Charlotte close at her heels. "Serena, we have to ride in the other car, it will be just you and Edward in the first one, okay?"
She turned unseeing eyes upwards, catching a vague approximation of Bernie's features as she struggled to make sense of her words. "I want you with me. You're my partner."
"Liberty isn't going with you either, she's in our car. We'll be right behind you, I promise." Leaning down a little, Bernie pressed her lips to her forehead, and Serena let her eyes close as she started to cry once more. "I won't go running away from you this time, I'm too tough for that now."
"Okay," she whispered as she pulled away from Bernie and allowed Edward to help her into the back of the town car. "Why just the two of us?" she asked, trying not to sound bitter.
"We brought her into this world, it should be the two of us that lead her out of it."
"Oh," she breathed out, folding her hands over her stomach and holding it tightly as she tried to will away the feeling of being sick. Her ex-husband seemed to still remember that move, since he began to dig around in his pocket before pulling out an anise square and handing it over. "You remembered?"
"It was pretty hard to forget. Most women use ginger to get over their morning sickness. You just had to be contrary."
Serena shrugged a little as she unwrapped the hard square, popping it in her mouth and sucking on it in order to distract herself. It seemed to do a little good, as by the time they had arrived at the cemetery, the roiling in her belly had mostly abated. "Do you have any more?"
"Of course," he said lowly as he climbed out of the car and went around to her side, helping her out before handing her over to Bernie. There was true warmth in her embrace, and despite the bitter cold of the day, she found herself only slightly discomforted. "Here, so you don't have to keep coming to me."
Edward held out a small pouch, and she took it from his fingers before slipping it into Bernie's pocket, knowing that she wouldn't be far away from her for the rest of the day. Liberty gave her an askance look, and Serena fought the urge to smack her as she stepped closer to Bernie and her children. "Eddie mentioned that you have a weak stomach. Strange, what with you being a doctor and all."
"It's different when it's family," Bernie said, and Serena pursed her lips together as she nodded, struggling to keep every ugly word that wanted to escape her lips firmly inside her mouth. "Today is supposed to be about supporting Edward and Serena as they grapple with this unimaginable loss. It helps no one to have you snarking about Serena's feelings or reactions."
Bernie's arm closed around her waist, and Serena was grateful for the support as they walked over to the graveside. A number of people were already gathered there, but Bernie helped her to ignore them all as they made their way to the series of four chairs and took a seat. Edward made certain to flank her, and a tiny part of her was grateful for the buffer, as she didn't know what she might do if she had to be next to Liberty, even for the short time they were going to be at the cemetery.
A soft hand touched her shoulder, and Serena glanced up to see Morven's tear streaked face. Looking a little further back, she noticed Jasmine trying to remain inconspicuous, though she was giving her that doe-eyed, devastated, look that she did so well, and meant so much. "We have to get back to the hospital. Raf paged us, there's been a serious accident, and he needs our hands. I'm sorry."
"Don't be, Morven. You were here, at least." The young woman nodded before leaning down and giving her an awkward hug. "Tell Jasmine thank you, as well. I appreciate this, more than you know."
Morven nodded once more before pulling away from Serena and leading Jasmine away. "We have wonderful F1s," Bernie murmured as she rested her head on her shoulder. Serena let out a soft sound of agreement as she threaded their fingers together, trying to focus on anything other than the deep hole that was yawning in front of them, ready to swallow up Elinor's body forever. The same minister said a few words of blessing and encouragement for them that remained, promising eternal rest and peace for Elinor. A tiny snort of disbelief escaped before she could stop it, and Edward nudged her with his elbow, shooting her one of his most irritating looks.
"Serena." The warmly whispered sound of her name from Bernie's lips calmed the roiling of her heart, and she nodded a little as she tightened her hold on her partner's hand. Finally, they were led in a sappy rendition of some hymn that was vaguely familiar to Serena, and she tried to sing along, but found her voice croaky and weak. Turning her face into the soft wool of Bernie's coat, Serena took a few shallow breaths as she tried to think about what interminable event she would have to suffer through next, for propriety's sake. "And now it's back to the church for the meal."
She nodded tiredly as they stood, and once they reached the cars, she drifted into Bernie's car without even noticing it. "I thought you would ride back with me, Rena."
Serena shook her head. "Let Liberty ride back with you. I need to be with my family now." Glaring a little at him, she slid into the open door, scooting close to Charlotte as Bernie climbed in, closing the door and cocooning her between them. "I don't mean to be so hateful."
"Liberty was the one who started it, Serena. You don't owe her anything, and she should be grateful you didn't slap her."
"I would have," Charlotte piped up as she squeezed Serena's knee. "I mean, she's what, Cam's age? And thinking she can get stroppy with you? She needs to learn about proper times and places."
The vehement defense of her touched Serena's heart, and she pursed her lips tightly against her teeth, wincing a little as she tasted blood. "At least I won't see her much after this? God, that makes me sound like a monster. Maybe I am a monster. Maybe…" She broke off her words and drew in on herself, wrapping her arms around her waist as she hunched over a little, staring at the floor with unseeing eyes.
"My mum wouldn't love a monster, Serena. What happened to you was monstrous, yes, but your grief does not make you that."
Cameron's words were also sweet, and she knew that despite what Bernie believed about herself, her children had inherited that trait from her. "Thank you," she mumbled, allowing Bernie to tug her closer, to pull her head down onto her shoulder, to let her hand rest on her hip. "I don't think I could get through today without you. Thank you."
The car fell silent as they drove back to the church, and Serena let her eyes close heavily as she tried to shut out the world around her. And she had almost managed to do so when the car came to a stop. Sitting up abruptly, she looked around to see that they had reached the church once more, and Liberty was already dragging Edward inside. "Mum said that you didn't want any flowers from here. Are you sure?"
"Pick out some ones that look nice, that I might be able to graft into my garden somehow. And if Liberty gives you any guff, don't take it. All right?" Cameron nodded, giving her an encouraging smile as they all got out of the car and made their way inside.
To her surprise, Serena's stomach growled hungrily at the scent of food, and she realized with a start that she hadn't eaten anything besides the anise square all day. Bernie gave her a knowing look, and she blushed a little as she shrugged. "You need to take care of yourself, too, darling. I don't want you wasting away on me."
"I know. There just wasn't time today to eat. And it all smells good, but I don't know if I'll be able to keep it down." Bernie nuzzled her nose into her hair before guiding her into the hall where the food was set up. Serena just wanted to take a seat somewhere inconspicuous, but Edward seemed to have other plans in mind, as he waved her over to a table that was in front of everyone else gathered, and she shrank into Bernie, reaching blindly for Charlotte's hand as they made their way over to the table as a family. "Is there a reason why we're sitting here like we're on display?" she asked, her voice high and brittle.
"This is the head table," Liberty said, giving her a small sneer as she snuggled closer to Edward.
"So?" she shot back as she sat down in the chair Bernie had pulled out for her, trying not to roll her eyes at the sickening display Liberty was making.
"So, this is where we need to be," she tartly said, fluffing her hair out before flicking an invisible speck of dust off her shoulder. "Really, Serena. These people are here to honour Ellie's life and comfort you. Why would you want to be anywhere other than at the front?"
Serena clenched her jaw painfully as she fought the urge to reach across the table and smack some sense into Liberty. Bernie slid her hand off the table and patted her thigh gently, and she nodded as she drew in a few deep breaths through her nose. "I don't like the idea of my grief being on public display," she finally replied, hoping that her voice sounded even and measure, that none of her anger and sorrow bled through.
"Whatever."
A low, barely audible, growl slipped from Bernie's lips, and it was only the appearance of Cameron that seemed to settle things at the table. "I picked out the arrangements like you wanted me to, Serena, and put them in the back of my car. They should be okay while we eat, right?"
Liberty shot her a dirty look, and Serena just arched an eyebrow, daring the woman to make a scene in front of everyone assembled. When she wisely closed her mouth, pursing her lips into an ugly moue, Serena turned her gaze on Cameron and gave him a small nod. "That will be fine, Cam. And if you want to head out before we do, Alan will let you in the house."
"Okay." He gave her a knowing smile, and in that moment, she felt her stomach settle down a little, as if she knew that as long as they were by her side that day, she could get through it. At some point, the minister came up to Edward and whispered in his ear, and she watched him nod before helping Liberty to her feet and guiding her over to the food.
"Do you want me to get you something, Serena?"
Slowly, she turned her head to look at Bernie and then nodded. "That would be nice, darling." Bernie smiled sadly as she leaned in and pressed her lips against Serena's cheek before getting up and heading over to where Liberty and Edward were, Charlotte and Cameron close behind. Since she was now alone, she tapped her fingers on the tabletop in an absent rhythm, trying not to think about why they were there. It seemed that she wasn't to be left alone for long, however, as the first person approached her table and took a seat in Bernie's empty chair.
"We were just so devastated to hear about Elinor's passing." She looked at the woman who was speaking and tried to place her, her memory failing her. The woman must have seen the blank confusion on her features, since she gave Serena a sad smile before reaching out and rubbing her shoulder. "I'm Caroline McIvers, Elinor's crèche teacher."
She nodded a little, still not really remembering her, despite the memory jog. "It was good of you to come."
"It was the least I could do." Ms McIvers squeezed her shoulder before getting up and moving away, and Serena let out a relieved breath as Bernie scurried back over to her side and set a plate down in front of her.
"You're going to get a lot of that, I'm afraid."
"I know. I just didn't realise how discombobulating it was to be on the other end of the condolences. Everyone's going to be that eggshell nice, aren't they? So patently false and artificial, because they don't fucking know what it's like to lose a child, but they think they have to be so sweet and understanding and sympathetic, because situations like mine call for that. I'm going to be drown in well-meaning platitudes."
"Most likely, yes."
She frowned as she picked at her food, finding the taste of it to be ashen in her mouth. But still, she ate on, knowing that she had to keep going, that she couldn't afford to lose her cool in front of all these people. Still, she was glad when the people seemed to be leaving, until there were only a few left, and she threw a desperate look to Bernie. "Please?"
"Yes. Cameron and Charlotte have been by your home already, and dropped the flowers off. Alan said that Jason was napping. I'll just…"
"Take me home and spend the night?"
Bernie nodded as they stood, and Serena fixed her eyes on Edward. "We're going home now. At some point, we're going to have to clean out Elinor's flat, and I'd rather it just be the two of us. It will be neater that way. Call me."
"Rena?"
"Save it, Edward. She was ours, in the end. It is only right that we do this final act together. It shouldn't take too much of your precious time." Giving him a withering look, she spun around on her heel and stalked off, hoping that Bernie was close behind. It wasn't until she was outside the building that she realized she was crying once more, and she paused on the steps to take a few deep, heaving, breaths, trying to calm the inner turmoil.
"Everything will be all right, Serena," Bernie said as she wrapped an arm around her waist, holding her close as they approached the town car they'd arrived in. The driver nodded to them before opening the door, and Serena slid in, curling up into a ball as she leaned against the back of the car seat and watched out the window, letting silent tears slip down her cheeks, even as Bernie pulled her flush against her chest as she crooned in her ear.
"How can anything be all right ever again, when I've allowed my daughter to rest in the bitter earth. Her sweet life should never have come to this. I want her back, Berenice."
"I know you do, darling. But we can't change the past. Only the Doctor can do that, and he doesn't exist. So we have to muddle through this life and find the sweetness still left, despite the bitter." Bernie pressed her lips to the crown of her head, and she shuddered a little as she turned and wrapped herself around her lover's warm body, trying to find some comfort there, not knowing when, if ever, she would feel happy again.