"A Merry Valentine's Day to All" – A oneshot by Kima
Oooooooh, the boredom! It's a little late, but it's a crack story for the lovely day of valentines!
Disclaimer: None of the Naruto characters actually belong to me, but to Kishimoto Masashi-dono. There are no OCs, but there is a lot of OOC.
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It was almost sunrise…the birds were chirping, the flowers were nodding in the breeze, and the S-Class criminal organization we all know and love, the Akatsuki, were near ready to stir from their beds. Some snoozed, others laid awake until they would feel able to move, one had shut out the sun with his pillow, and a third drew the blinds to put the morning away. Another member brooded angrily as the light filled his room and the last was cheerfully tending his garden, having woken up with the sun like the plants.
Another, not technically, member tiptoed around the base, snickering as he sneaked from room to room. This one went around with various pink and purple decorations with generically shaped hearts taped randomly along the walls as he went. After thirty minutes, the meeting room, the kitchen, the living room, and most of the halls were decorated with the bright decorations. Another member of this organization wakes soon after. Stumbling almost drunkedly, this white-haired member parades the halls in his pitch black pajama pants with his eyes squinted too much for him to see the brilliant decorations on his way. Upon opening the door, this members' eyes finally opened…and opened…and opened until the eyelids could pull back no further.
"WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO OUR KITCHEN?!?!" several birds outside the base flew off in fear and a few of the sleepy members jolted awake and landed about a foot or so from their beds. A miniature stampede occurred as the eight other members of this organization rushed towards the shout, weapons drawn and prepared for an ambush. The first to arrive was the shark-man of the Akatsuki. He arrived dressed in a baby blue cotton button-up pajama shirt and matching pants and his Samehada squirming in anticipation for a fight.
"Who-what-where-?!?" the blue shark man started before stopping mid-question and staring at the abominable sight before him; then he cowered in a corner, his Samehada at the ready. The member with white hair was too stunned to move from the door and so decided to twitch until his muscles could respond again. Another member arrived, this one garbed in a black robe with his face unmasked and black and green eyes whipping around, as did the tentacles writhing around his body. This one also stopped and stared at the sight before him.
"Our…our kitchen is…is…" the tall black-and-green-eyed man whispered, leaving his sentence to hang unfinished. His tentically protrusions drew back into his body and he stepped away from the room; he had a heart attack soon after. The member with white hair then recovered from the shock of the kitchen and backed away to hide behind the blue shark man; he held out his Jashinist rosary to ward away the room and its contents. A fourth member, a blonde with long hair, arrived and skidded to a halt as they held their clay bombs in each hand. Before he could launch these bombs however, he caught sight of the room.
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKK!!!!!" the fourth member screamed, raising the controversy over whether he really was a guy or a girl, and ran to the wall opposite of the cursed room. Soon a fifth and sixth member arrived; the fifth was the puppet master of the Akatsuki, and a puppet himself. But, even though he's a puppet himself, he is not without fear and he too cowered behind the shark man of the Akatsuki. The sixth was our plant-friend from before. Even though he was more awake than the others at that point, he did not count on seeing this abomination of a kitchen and closed his venus-flytrap-esque leaves tight over his head. The seventh to arrive was the brooding man from before, though he approaches things more calm than the others.
"What's going on here?" said the brooder.
"That room!! It's…it's…it's HORRIBLE!!!" the shark man shouted, shakily pointing to the door with Samehada.
"Terrifying! Un!" the blonde exclaimed.
"JAHIN SAVE ME!!" the silver-haired man cried as he rocked back and forth in the fetal position. The brooder looked blankly at his companions, even though he was legally blind. Turning and clumsily walking towards the now shut door, the brooder opened it and screeches of terror were heard.
"I'M BLIND!! I'M BLIND!!" the brooder screamed as he rolled on the floor.
"You fucking retard, you're already blind!" shouted the silver-haired Jashinist.
"Yes, BUT I' EVEN MORE BLIND THAN I WAS BEFORE!!" the brooder cried and mourned his loss of sight. As these screams were heard, the two remaining members appeared; the first stared pathetically at his comrades while the second was slumped over sleepily with half-lidded eyes.
"What's going on, here?" the first, an orange-haired man with a piercing fetish and dressed in his Akatsuki outfit, asked. The other seven members whimpered and pointed shakily at the door…except for the brooder which pointed the other direction. Seeing as something behind the door had terrified all of his fellow members, the pierced orange-head took all precautions when opening the kitchen door. Once the door had opened, the seven members from before cowered and whimpered; the orange-head was left speechless.
"Oh…my…" was all the orange-head said before he fainted onto the floor. Even the leader of the Akatsuki couldn't stand against the horrific room. The last member, a bluenette female also dressed in her Akatsuki outfit, assembled a paper sword and shield to fight off the apparently evil thing in the Akatsuki kitchen. When she opened the door, she stood shocked at the sight before her.
The kitchen, the Akatsuki kitchen, the kitchen of an evil organization of nine S-Class criminals and an annoying intern…was pink…and purple…and any other color that would never be considered appropriately evil…and decorated…for Valentine's Day. There were hearts, little angels resembling Cupid, streamers, and a banner all hung and colored much like a cotton candy paradise. The walls were repainted with chickadee yellow, powder blue, and bubblegum pink. The worst of it though was the person standing on the table, dressed as a giant heart. Even though this person's face was covered with an orange swirly mask with an eyehole on the right side, he was dressed in a pink and red heart-costume and he had cards in his hands; one card for each member of the Akatsuki.
"Happy Valentine's Day! Tobi was a good boy! Tobi remembered today!" The masked man in a giant heart said joyfully. Even with his mask covering his face, anyone would be able to see him beaming at the bluenette female. The female stared for several moments with eyes as wide as saucers before deciding to slowly close the door and walk away.
"This never happened. Valentine's Day does not exist. This never happened. Valentine's Day does not exist. This never happened…" the bluenette chanted as she slowly walked further and further from the scene of the pink. The other (conscious) members followed her example and decided to skip meals until the kitchen was returned to its dark, dank, and not Tobified state.
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Yay for Valentine's Day! Yeah, it's a day late, but who cares? tosses confetti YAEY 4 VALENTINE'S DAEY!!
Actually, I hate Valentine's Day. It's all the lovey-dovey shit that couples share. Bleh…it sucks to be single, but it sucks even more if you never get any presents from anybody on Valentine's Day. Not even your friends! This year, though, I got a sincere and adorable present: a pink silk scarf which I tied up as a bow around my neck, courtesy of Champ, one of our foreign exchange students from Taiwan. And we're not even close friends! Champ is totally awesome, so even if you don't know him, applaud Champ! He's the first guy to give me a sincerely nice present on Valentine's Day! It was also a present that wasn't a box of chocolate and/or candies (I hate candy).
Okay, enough ranting. I hope you all enjoyed your Valentine's Day!
Ja ne, minna!