Of Comfort and Joy
Santana felt the ache in her chest.
The fire burning in her heart as she confessed to Brittany; her undying love and the way she released all emotions. Those emotions that wanted to jump out of her chest;
all those years of just burying it..
"Get off of me"! she remembered yelling. She saw the hurtful expression in Brittany's eyes..
She had never done this before. This was all new to her, the confessing, the "true love" she had just felt. That wasn't Santana Lopez. Santana Lopez wouldn't say or show true feelings or cry for a real reason, dammit. She had experienced breaking hearts herself; but.. they all didn't effect her one bit. They were casual break-ups, and sooner or later Santana would chase after another person. It was a repeating cycle for her; one where she would toss her old lovers in trash. One where she would just go move on with her life; and wreck someone else's. But the cycle had came to a close soon enough. It had to reach this point somewhere..
With Brittany, it was bound to happen, she thought as she slammed her body on her bed.
She saw the tear stains form on a certain pillow she found familiar.
It was Brittany's pillow. The one where she would always use during their sleepovers, their nights of hot sex.. Santana angirly grabbed the pillow and forced herself to throw it. She forced herself in her mind not to smell it. Not to let the tears she had poured all over it. She cried with frustration and anger, hugging the pillow and keeping her face away from letting the wet drops fall on it. Her nose whipped the smell of strawberries and vanilla scent. Fuck this, she thought sniffing. She hugged it tighter and looked at the ceiling.
Fuck everything you did, Santana, she said in her head.
It was exactly midnight when Santana decided to step out.
Her parents weren't home; for they had gone to a special party. It was a Friday night; mist surrounding her neighborhood. She had her iPod on, blasting music through her ears. Her face was covered in tear stains, mascara ruining her eyes. Her hair was a complete mess; and not a smile shown on her face. Santana's eyes were puffy and red from crying since that day. She hasn't seen Brittany in awhile, and they had avoided each other through school most of the time. It was torture for Santana, having to ignore Brittany. Having to leave her side and not hold pinkies with her anymore.
Having to see her with that.. that.. Four-Eyed Caboose. Having to see Brittany and Artie cuddle, kiss; and whatever Santana saw in front of her. She heavily sighed, rubbing her temples. She tried to ease her mind away from the pain; the confession she had been rejected upon on. This was her quiet moment, this was her time to be alone since that tearful confession. No Glee clubbers, no Brittany, just her.
And her thoughts.
She sat on a park bench; "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol blasting on her iPod now. Santana looked around. The park was empty, only misty figures around her. Nothing was really clear, and she didn't know how she managed to walk without getting lost.
Or maybe it was because she knew this route. The route that always took her to Lima Parks. The park that Brittany and Santana always visited when they were kids. And it continued on to this day, at 16 years old, where they could enjoy each other's company without shame. It was where, when they were eight; that Brittany had took Santana here. She smiled a little; remembering the tea-party Brittany had hosted. It was their first official friend-hang out; their secret "spot" underneath the Oak Tree in the back everyone ignored.
Santana walked towards it, seeing the picnic blanket on the grass. It was torn slightly; the chocolate milk stains on it. An old-tire swing which was made for the Special Guest drifted in the cold wind. Owls hooted at Santana, as if urging her to sit on it. Crickets as well. She glared at the noises and looked down, just staring at the torn blanket with regret flowing inside her. "Santana"? a voice rang. She jumped, looking around.
She got her fist ready and held it up. No one came close to this area. It was especially for Brittany and her only.
She wasn't even sure if Brittany had taken Artie here.
"Who goes there"? she yelled.
Who would be up at this hour? she wondered. Santana didn't dare say herself as a choice.
"Lopez"? Kurt Hummel said in surprise.
Santana stared at him for awhile. She hasn't seen Kurt in a long time. Not since.. She paused for a second and remembered she used Kurt in her confession with Brittany. It only made her feel guilty at teasing him when he was in Glee Club. How she had said all those gay remarks; when she never acknowledged that Kurt was a lot braver than her in so many ways.
"Hummel? What the hell are you doing here"? Santana glared.
"Going out for my midnight walk", Kurt told her. "It's what I do during the weekends sometimes", he said.
"Aren't you suppose to be in that special school? Don't you have rules"? Santana asked raising her eyebrows.
"I know. But in Dalton, there are no rules about going out on weekends", Kurt smirked.
"Lucky", Santana sighed and laughed a bit. She felt her chest ease up from the pain a little. It lifted only slightly as Kurt sat next to her. The bench felt wet; but somehow the two didn't care. The mist pulled away for a bit; and Santana held her jacket tighter.
"Are you alright"? Kurt asked her. "You seem a little.. quiet", he said.
Santana shot him a look. "Why is that so surprising"? she frowned and looked away.
Kurt shrugged. "Well.. maybe it's because you were this raging bitch the last time I went to McKinley"? he chuckled. Santana turned red a little and coughed.
"Not anymore", she said looking away. The confession affect made her think and do things she never expected. Like wonder why she had been so bitchy. She wanted to hug Kurt and cry onto him for comfort; she had been longing to hug something. Something other than the pillow that was Brittany's.. to wipe the burden from her chest. But being bitchy just made her insides frustrate more. And she was convinced nothing was gonna help her; hugging a pillow or the bitchy attitude.. it would just make her run away more with anger she regreted.
Remembering bitchy, let alone to Kurt those days in Glee Club; surely wasn't helping.
She had to make conversation here. At least for her sake. She broke the silence overcoming between them. "How's Dalton"? she asked him.
"Great. Blaine and I are on good terms now", he smiled. His eyes sparkled a little. Santana had to shake him a bit. "Oh really? What happened"? Santana said nudging him a bit. She couldn't believe what she was doing.
She was nudging him. A guy that used to be a loser or homo in her eyes. The guy she had joined in taunting with the cheerleaders and the jocks. Don't think about it, Santana, she thought grinding her teeth. She didn't need more guilt. And she didn't wanna kill the mood between them either.
"Why are you so interested"? Kurt smirked laughing a little.
Santana played with her hands a bit. "Just keep talking Hummel. I promise I won't call you Rainbow Lad or something", she said rolling her eyes. She expected Kurt to be hurt; to throw a comment or a look. She had just insulted his sexuality. Surely that could mean hurtful effect.. She should have known better. "Sorry", she said quickly. "I.. I honestly-"
Kurt silenced her. "Don't say anything. You're acting like you're the first person. You're not", he said patting her shoulder.
Santana nodded slowly. "Um. Right", she said looking at her lap.
For some strange reason, Kurt proceeded to tell her anyways. He had a huge grin plastered on his face; as he told Santana about the kiss he shared with Blaine. Santana couldn't help but grin, and scoot closer to Kurt. He told her how soft his lips felt; how he had experienced his first gay kiss. How he had felt the love bloom in his chest, the love that he finally released through Blaine. Santana, at those words, looked at Kurt in awe. In amazement and admiration at how he described it. How he had pride. Something she wished she had. The pounding of her chest began, as she wished she would release her love through Brittany.. the way Kurt did with Blaine. The way Blaine had released it through Kurt. She didn't understand one thing though..
".. Why? Why would you kiss him in a school like that"? she asked Kurt.
"What do you mean"? Kurt said confused.
".. It's a Boarding School, isn't it? That's like, worse than a regular school. More people will tear your ass down there", Santana said with her eyes wide. She was sounding like a child. Kurt burst out laughing.
"Are you serious? What kind of school are you thinking of"? he laughed.
"McKinley", Santana bursted. It just came out of nowhere.
They looked at each other for awhile.
"Well.. the Boarding School you're talking about is for bad boys", Kurt said slowly. "Dalton is a school for boys. But not criminals. Just an all-boys school.. for regular students. Some classified as rich, but who cares"?
Santana laughed. She laughed.
"And no one cares if you're gay there. You can be gay anytime you want", he said sighing happily.
Santana gave him a soft gaze. She stared at the starry night sky; kicking her feet softly against the grass. More Owls hooted in tune with the crickets; and the mist slowly began to vanish. "You never told me about Blaine", she said softly. "You just jumped into the conversation about your kiss".
"Well", Kurt began. Santana didn't keep her gaze away from the sky.
"Blaine is.. this guy that comforted me the first day I walked into Dalton. I don't really know why.. but he made me feel so fuzzy inside. I've seen guys I've been interested in; but none of them compared to Blaine. Some guys I met while I was little, I kinda liked. They never really gave me the feeling I have now; they just made me like them without any feelings I could express.."
Santana shifted her eyes to the next row of stars and felt her throat dry..
"I never experienced love, Santana. Sure, there was my dad. But he didn't see the true me. I wanted to be myself for once", Kurt continued. "That's.. another story.. but to put it short, Blaine could make me feel love. For once, there was this place that I could love a boy. I could love a boy without getting punched or hit. I was ready to quit on ever finding love; because what were the chances of finding another gay kid in Ohio"? he said sadly.
"You were ready to give up.."? Santana said softly.
"Kinda.. sorta. I felt out of place here. But Dalton grew on me; and I never knew love could be so great. That love could be so good.. real love Blaine gave me. And he was blind, too late to jump onto my feelings. He kinda tore my heart with Rachel, the party and all.. that I felt defeated", Kurt told Santana. "The guy at the Gap.. I felt so freaking torn. It was like love gave up on me again; and for the first time in years again; I felt love kinda betray me a little", he smiled sadly. There were small tears forming in his eyes.
Santana looked into his eyes and was speechless. She grasped his hand tightly in support. Because it was all she could do; while listening to Kurt's story. The side of Kurt she never knew before.
"Did you give up"? Santana asked rubbing his hand.
Kurt looked at her hand and shook his head. He formed a proud smile. "No", he said confidently. "Because.. Blaine eventually saw it to. He saw love and he saw what we were both missing. That we were both searching for a bond.. but that bond was just a bond until now. It was a bond formed by true love. Not to sound cheesy here, but you know.. being gay is kinda hard. But I realize that.. if you some type of love in your life, I can promise you being mocked won't matter", he explained with a still smile.
"How.. how do you know that"? Santana asked quietly. "You're a lucky person. Dalton is a Free-You-Can-Be-Yourself school", she said her voice cracking a little. Oh no. She wasn't gonna bust the waterworks. Not in front of brave Kurt Hummel. The person she wished she could be.
She, again, expected Kurt to leave her. To get out of here and not share stuff so personal. She hated herself for snapping at him; she hated herself for everything she had done to Kurt at this moment. This is what he had to go through. And now she was in the cycle.. She was ready to leave; but somehow she couldn't move. It was like she wanted to be there.
"No", he said softly. "Just because Dalton is a 'Free-You-Can-Be-Yourself-School'.. that doesn't mean every guy has the freedom to say he is gay. There could be gays in Dalton, but not all of them have came out yet. None of them are like Blaine. Like me. Blaine gave me courage, and I'm not afraid to use it. It's not because it's a free gay-hate school; it's because I'm proud of who I am and what I did for love. Dalton could have been a Hatered Filled school for all I care.. but that wouldn't stop me from being with him", Kurt told Santana all-through proudly. He stood and puffed his chest.
"I'm a rainbow sprite"! he yelled loudly.
Santana laughed a little. She then laughed, her regular laugh. The one she hasn't felt for days.
Kurt sat back down. "And that's Blaine. The guy I love", he grinned. Santana remained silent; arguing whether or not she should tell Kurt about her issue. Well, he did reveal a lot of information right now. But very true information, that Santana was glad of hearing. That she was glad of hearing. It suddenly etched in her mind: She had to let it out somehow. Not just her love for Brittany; but the fact that she had to hold hands with confidence.
With pride. With everything she wanted. And if Kurt could do it, so could she..
"Are you alright, Santana"? Kurt asked her.
"I.. just confessed to Brittany", Santana told him. Kurt looked at her with wide eyes.
"And I.. I love her. I told her I loved her", she told him.
Kurt didn't say anything else. He hugged Santana tightly. She didn't know how it happened; but she had cried on his chest. The tears fell slowly; all the burdens released and let out. Her heart pounded against his "I'm So Diva.. Ish" t-shirt. She cried on his pink shirt; smiling through them. "You're so, so brave Kurt. I wish I could have been like you. You're so lucky you got through this all.."
Kurt chuckled and didn't care about the tears forming on his t-shirt. He patted her back. "I'm sure Brittany is waiting for you, too", Kurt smiled.
"But she rejected me"! Santana cried through his shirt. She clenched his shirt.
Kurt lifted her chin. "No. She didn't get it like I did", he said looking deep into Santana's eyes. He wiped her tears. "And time will come.. because love don't come easy", he told Santana. "She's with Artie", Santana said wiping her tears. "There's nothing I can do about it.."
"Of course there is. Do you love Brittany"?
"Of course.."
"Then.. what are you afraid of"? Kurt asked Santana tucking her hair behind her ear.
Santana gulped and stood angirly. She clenched her teeth and threw her hands in the air.
"I'm afraid of.. of what will happen to my life. I'm afraid Brittany's not gonna end it with Artie so fast.. I'm afraid of being with her, Kurt", Santana cried. "But.. but I wanna be with her. I wanna be with her so damn fucking bad", she whispered with her face stained once again. "Shhh", Kurt told Santana calmly. Santana seemed to stop yelling and looked up at Kurt's eyes piercing in her's.
"Repeat after me", Kurt said with a small smile.
"Wh.. what"? Santana croaked. She was now stupid with words.
"... Courage", Kurt told Santana.
"Courage"? Santana said with confusion.
"It's what Blaine told me. 'Don't be afraid. Because Brittany is waiting for you. The more you tear yourself down.. the more you're not gonna be with her at all".
Santana stood still, her tears stopping. She stopped shaking. For the first time in weeks; she had been able to stop herself from crying. From sobbing. From crying and sobbing; feeling weak in her bones. This is what she needed. It's how Kurt and Blaine came to be; how love and courage mixed together. It's what she was missing.. it's what was holding her back. It's what was making her so scared of revealing her true feelings. It's what she was hiding in her chest from Brittany.. it's what she had felt since they were little. And she was being a coward. She was making herself.. weaker.
Artie wasn't gonna stand in the way of everything. He wasn't gonna be this block in the way of what Santana wanted. And if that meant waiting for Brittany and showing what she felt in her own heart; instead of pain and angst.. then everything was going to be okay. Everything didn't need to be so crazy. If Brittany was still going to be with Artie by graduation, or by college.. Santana would be there. She would be happy. And she wouldn't give up on reaching what she wanted the most: love. Even if that meant being absolutely gay. All she was thankful and all she was happy for was her own best friend. For giving her love, even if she was Artie. On the inside, Santana felt a little selfish. Brittany had been the brave one; giving Santana the love she needed. The pain that Santana gave her still lingered inside; but she would be there for her..
Relationship or not.
She never appreciated her true feelings until now.
She stared at her own pinky. Kurt had been standing there, still smiling at Santana.
"I've gotta go.. um.. my parents are gonna kill me", Santana said with a soft laugh. Kurt nodded.
They both walked home together. They talked about how crazy Rachel's party was, how Santana told Kurt about Brittany's sexy stripper show; how he was missing out on the Original Songs project Mr. Shue had assigned. Kurt laughed as Santana mentioned Trouty Mouth. Kurt had told Santana about Blaine's curly hairstyle; without the gel combed in his hair. Santana told him about how Brittany looked beautiful with her hair down. And it was a fun-filled night; just two of Ohio's gay kids chatting.
Santana gave Kurt one last hug; wishing him good luck for Regionals.
And then, Santana made a note to herself: Go dump Sam..
... and go ask Brittany for Duck Day at the pond.