Chapter One: The Saga Begins
Once upon a time, in a beautiful land far, far away (Lakewood), there lived
a young man named Liam Patrick O'Donnell, the 13th century Gaelic form of
William. But nobody cares about him. He's not even in the story. The real
hero here is his cousin, John. One day, 13 year old John was listening to
the musical group Disturbed, and he became brainwashed. He did exactly as
they ordered in the song; John got up and came down with the sickness. He
became very ill and needed more than serious medical attention. So John got
up, jumped out the 6th story hospital window, and landed on an old lady
with a walker. She scolded him, then got up and walked away. Then John
headed to where he needed to go; and so in a flash he was off to see the
Wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz. So he headed to the prison from the HBO
series. He went to the Warden. "Are you the Wizard?" he asked. "No, I'm
warden." The warden started to think to himself, "Geez, what a freakin'
idiot. 'Are you Wizard?' He's a few beers short of a six-pack. Ha, ha ha,
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Whoo, that was funny." He was
lost from his thought and fell out of the trance. He suddenly heard, "Well
then, screw you. I'm looking for the Wizard, not some stupid warden." John
was put into Jail for 2 years. He served his time, then continued on his
journey. He was now 57 years old now (don't ask, I can't explain it
either.) He was walking along, then he saw a yellow brick road. He started
to walk along it, when suddenly, a woman appeared. She said, "Don't go on
this road or you will suffer terribly." "Who the heck are you?" John asked.
"The holographic image that appears to warn you of your terrible, deadly
fate," she answered. "But I was told to follow the Yellow Brick Road," John
said. "WHAT?" She was shocked."Who told you that?" "I watched The Wizard of
Oz in my hospital bed." "AHH! Onother one! Geez, I'm sick of people like
you, people who actually expect to find the Wizard. Ha ha. Geez, I need a
raise. Anyway, the movie's wrong. You don't follow the Yellow Brick Road,
you follow the Diarrhea colored brick road." "Oh...umm, how do I get
there?" "Two streets down, take a right, keep going straight, then take the
first left you see." "Oh, thanks" So John heads off on his journey. What
will happen next? Will he get too old for this crap and go home because he
finally realized that he doesn't even need the Wizard because he's not sick
anymore? Probably not. Will he buy a pet puppy? No. Will he go back to the
Image, tell her he loves her, propose to her, get hitched, and move to
Alabama? Heck no. Find out part of the rest in... Chapter 2: Munchkin World
Chapter 2: Munchkin World Night fell as John continued his journey on the Diarrhea colored Road. By Nine o'clock, it was very dark and John was scared. No he wasn't. He's as tough as nails, remember? Then he saw a sign. "Munchkin Land 3 Miles." John was excited at this, so he kept going. He would stop at Muchkin land that night. On his way there, he met a scarecrow. The scarecrow was crying. Now, is John compassionate with the scarecrow, does he take sympathy for him and let him come come along to see the Wizard to be healed? Nah. "Hey, shut the heck up before I bust your face," said John. "I'm sorry, it's just that my girlfriend broke up with me, and I'm having a hard time dealing with it." "Ha ha ha! Sucks for you! Sucker! Get over it. It's not that big a deal." "But I was so nice to her, I bought her so much stuff... I just don't get it. Why do you think she dumped me? Could it be my sensitivity problem?" "No. She didn't dump you because you were too sensitive, she dumped you because you're freakin' ugly." "But, but..." "SHUT UP!" "But..." "I'LL BREAK YOU IN TWO IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP!" "But..." (Crack) "Oh shoot! He's dead! What do I do now? I'll bury him. No, you can't do that, you'll get your prints all over the body. Think, John, think...EUREKA! I'll..." John was interrupted. "I'm... alive..." "What? Speak louder." "I'M ALIVE!" "Oh...umm, come with me." "I can't walk, though. I'm kind of broken in two." "Limp, or crawl, or sumpin'. I'll get some masking tape in Munchkin land and fix you up." "Really? Can I go with you to see the Wizard?" "No. You're too ugly. I couldn't stand looking at you the whole trip." "If I wear a paper bag over my head?" "Fine. So long as you don't take it off, even if you're suffocating." "Deal." "Ok, let's move." After about a half an hour, they arrived in Munchkin Land. They went downtown, and saw hell. Munchkins being mugged, munchkins doing drugs, drunk homeless munchkins, and dead munchkins. They walked through very carefully, and reached the Wal- Mart. They bought masking tape and fixed up the scarecrow. When they were leaving, a Munchkin stood in front of John, blocking his path. "Out of my way, you gay little, sissy-voiced, pumpkin pie hair cutted freak," John responded. Immediately, six other Munchkins jumped out with M-16 assault rifles. John wasn't scared. He grabbed one of the Munchkin's guns, picked up the first munchkin, and shot him. Then all the other Munchkins got scared and tried to run away. But John grabbed them all, tied up their hands, put their heads inside their pants, threw them into an ice cold river, and walked off. When they were leaving town, they met up with a girl. "Hi, I'm the real Dorothy, from the movie? Anyway, I didn't really make it to the Wizard. I got lost and lived like a savage in the woods, killing deer and them eating their cold, raw, uncooked meat. I sometimes got so hungry that I resorted to cannibalism and I could kill and eat hunters. I'd like to come with you to the Wizard. May I?" She asked. "Nah." They did to her what they did to the other munchkins. They continued on their journey. The next morning, they ran into the Wicked Witch of the South. "He he he, I'm the wicked witch of the south, and you will do anything I ask!" she said. "How's it like being a redneck?" John asked. "Howdy dowdy, feller'! I sure like Arkansas and all them family members in 'sippi! I mean...Shut up fool! Give me the Red Slippers at once!" she demanded. "No way, witch, these are my Nike's." So what happens next? Does he get really mad at the Witch, kill her, and get sent back to Jail? Probably not. By reading this story, you can tell that John is a really nice guy. Does John get turned into a Squirrel and get eaten by the witch and her hillbilly family? No. Does he go back and marry a dead Munchkin? Heck no. You'll just have to wait for Chapter 3 to find out.
Chapter 3: New Friends, Catcrows, and a Hardware Store "No way, witch, these are my Nike's," John said to the Witch as hate and rage arised. "Fool! I shall put a curse on you!" She yelled. "Bite Me!" John yelled as he and the scarecrow ran away. (POOF!) "Ahh! Frick! I'm a cat! Help me!" "HA HA! I mean... I'll come back later to help you... I guess... Bye Scarecrow, I mean Catcrow. Ha ha ha..." John said as he ran away.(OK, I just gotta interupt. That was THE corniest joke I've ever said in my entire life. You can tell it's original. Catcrow?! What was I thinking. That was gay.) "Phew..." John let out a sigh of relief when he had finally gotten away. Then John heard something. "WOOHEE! That was sure good dead Munchkin. Mmm, good lunch," said Carrottop as he walked out of the River."Ahh! Who are you? Are you trying to make a collect call? Well, dial down the center with 1-800-CALL-ATT!" Carrotttop said as he approached John. John pulled out a handgun, shot him, and kept moving. Then a tin man jumped out in front of John. John shot him, but the shot bounced off the tin. "Ha ha, you can't hurt or kill me." he said. "Wanna Bet?" "Ya, I do, cause I'm made of Tin, so I will win. I'm also an amatuer rapper as you can tell." "So you don't think I can hurt you? Not one little bit?" "No I don't." So John hit him in the face with the butt of his gun. "Ow! That hurt! Hey, look, you dented my tin! I'm suing!" "NOOOOOOO! Don't sue! Please! Look, we'll go to the hardware store and buy something to fix it. Deal?" "Deal. But where's the store?" (A hardware store magically appears out of nowhere) "There it is!" They both went in, and went to Costumer Service, where some goofy looking pimple faced teenager was working. "So, uh, What exactly do you sell here?" John asked. "Umm, we've got allen wrenches, gerbil feeders, toilet seats, electric heaters, trash compactors, juice extractors, shower rods, water meters, walkie-talkies, copper wires, safety goggles, radial tires, BB pellets, rubber mallets, fans, dehumidifiers, picture hangers, paper cutters, waffle irons, window shutters, paint removers, window louvres, masking tape, plastic gutters, kitchen faucets, folding tables, weather stripping, jumper cables, hooks and tackle, grout and spackle, power foggers, spoons and ladles, pesticides for fumigation, high performance lubrication, metal roofing, waterproofing, multi-purpose insulation, air compressers, brass connecters, wrecking chisels, smoke detectors, tire gauges, hamster cages, thermostats, bug deflectors, trailer hitch demagnitizers, automatic circumsisers, tennis rackets, angle brackets, duracells, energizers, soffit panels, circuit breakers, vacuum cleaners, coffee makers, calculators, generators, and matching salt and pepper shakers," the kid said. "Oh, umm... do you have dent remover?" asked John. "Aisle 5." "Thanks." They walked out of the store and kept on going. Then they ran into a Lion. "Rawr..."said the Lion. "You suck," John said. "I know." "Well then, get lost, or I'll shoot you,"John told the Lion. "Ok." "Too Late," John said as he pulled his gun out. "No! Don't hurt me? What do you want from me?" "Food." "But there's a Wendys down the road..." "Oh. Well, you're coming, and if you lied, I'll cry." (At the thought of this, the entire group shrieked.) The Tin Man fell to his knees. "God, please let John remain emotionally stable, and please, spare the lives of others and don't let him cry. Amen." he said. Then the scarecrow showed up. "Hey guys!" he said. "Ahh! Away, beast from the underworld, do not shine thine ugliness on me! AHH! I'm melting...call...911..."John gasped. "It's me." he said. "Oh. Wow. You again? Haven't seen you for ages. Wait, where's the bag?" "I don't have one." "You do know," John said as he ripped the Tin Man's mask/helmet off and gave it to the scarecrow, revealing the Tin Man's face. "Bill Clinton? You're Bill Clinton?" John has horrified. "Yup...Want a cigar?" Everyone screamed and ran away. "Oh well," Clinton said as he layed back on a tree. An hour later, a huge 160 person mob came back, with pitchforks and flaming torches, yelling, "Kill Him!!!!" Bill ran away as fast he could. "Ha ha...wait, he's not dead..."said someone in the mob. "John?!" everyone screamed. "Umm..." "Kill HIM, forget Clinton!" "AHH!" John sprints down the road, the mob on his tail. So what happens next? Does the mob catch up and kill him? Probably not. Does Carrottop come back to life and wreak havoc on the earth? No. Does Carrottop come back to life to stalk, kill, and cut John's eyes out before eating him? Heck no. Do Killer Clowns and their greasepainted cousins mimes, swoop out of the sky with the Witch and kidnap John? Actually, yes. Wait till Chapter 4: Clowns, Mimes, Cymbal Monkeys, Dolls, Marionettes, and other hell spawn.
Chapter 4: I forgot what it was gonna be called
And so John ran, the mob right on his tail. That was when he did it. He gently rode up, higher and higher, and flew. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, John took off and flew. John had a freak accident involving a phosphorous grenade, a truck full of Mexicans illegally crossing the border, Border Police, lots of salad dressing and a manager of Burger King when he was 8 years old, and ever since then, he could fly, but he didn't find out about this talent until the age of 57. "Sweet, I can fly! Ah ha ha ha ha !" John exclaimed as he soared like an eagle. When he got to the next town, he landed. In the town, there was a diner. He went there to get some food. "I'm hungry and starving and I'm looking for the Wizard of Oz, but I don't have even a dollar," John said to the waiter. "Well then, get lost, kid, find some other restaurant," the waiter said. John started a conversation. "That's a nice shirt. Where did you get?" "Nordstroms. Why do you ask?" "Because I used to have a shirt just like it." "Really?" "Ya.Before I got a job! Ha ha! So long, sucker!" Then the waiter got mad. "Oh yeah, well, umm, you're, umm, DUMB!" John was horrified. "Take that back, meanie!" "Never." Then John started feeling kinda gooey inside, and he fell on his knees and he cried and cried, and that's when those security guards threw him out. "WAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!" John cried on the streets, and horror rang. Windows shattered, passerbys all fell to the ground, clenching their ears & feeling the pain, boats sank, houses set on fire, bombs went off, and gunshots rang out as the FBI arrived. "SHUT UP!" the captain yelled through his megaphone. John climbed on to the roof of the local high school. He thought that he was safe, but he wasn't even close to it. John dodged bullets as the local police force shot at him. Helicopters high above shot at John below. The CIA was ready to blow him up, when suddenly, something amazing happened. Killer clowns and mimes swooped out of the sky on broomsticks, with the wicked witch of the south leading them. They grabbed John and took him to the Witch's castle. As they entered, John noticed that there was a big statue of the Witch in the middle of the castle. "I made that myself, you know," the witch said. " It's so beautiful.it never fails to amaze me. Do you like it?" "No. It looks like it was made out of old milk cartons by a group of first graders from a country that has never seen milk cartons before. Oh, and did I mention that they had no scissors, glue, or hands, and that they had to do it while they were covered in bees? I should have." answered John. "Shut up fool man-son! Surely for this you will die a horrible death!" said the witch. "Ya ya, whatever," John responded. As they continued down the hall, they reached a staircase. Hanging right above the entrance to the stair case was a huge, 50 ft. by 70 ft. painting. "I made that myself too, you know," the witch bragged about the painting. "I've seen hobos clean better looking things out of their bellybuttons," John responded. She was very angry about this and took him upstairs to his room. Stay here!" She demanded. "You jerk! Can't I get the master suite or sumpin'? This room sucks! This is worse than Motel 6!" John complained about the room. "Ha ha ha ha ha !" The witch yelled as she left. Suddenly, a sand clock magically appeared and started running. The witch's face appeared on the sand clock. "When this is done, you will die!" The witch said as she disappeared. John picked up the sand clock, chucked it out the window, and then walked right out of the door that the witch was dumb enough to leave open. As John was leaving the castle, he saw a terrible sight. He was surrounded by clowns, mimes, cymbal monkeys, ventriloquist dummies, marionettes, dolls, and Ronald McDonalds. The worst things in the world surrounding John with bloodthirsty eyes. So what will happen next? Will John remember that he can fly and soar in to the sky until he reaches the wizard? Probably not. Will he pull out some bagpipes and play until the freaks go away? No. Will he go back and marry the sand clock he threw out the window? Heck no, you idiot! Haven't you already figured out that John never goes back and marries a dead something or an inanimate object? Geez, you people. You sicken me. Chapter 5: The one without a name.you will get it soon...
Chapter 5: The one without a name What does John do to the freaks? Nothing. He walks away in peace and nuthin' happens. He kept walking and walking until he reached the next town, Doolicity (Background - Doolicity is a mysterious quarantined town for leprosy infected victims and people who were hated elsewhere and exiled from society located in Texas. How John got to Texas, I haven't a clue.) When he got there, three of the town members were shocked. (See picture.)
"You?! What are you doing here?" they said very angrily. "Umm.going to see the Wizard, I guess?" John didn't know what he was doing. He was too old. "I'm uh gonna kill you!" said Bill Clinton/Tin Man. "Nah," responded John to the threat. So he swung the axe at John. So what will happen next? Will he get killed by the Tin Man? I'm not telling you, scroll down and read the rest!
The axe barely missed John. Then John got a brilliant idea, and put it into action. He grabbed the cardboard axe out of the Tin Man's hands, broke it in two, and punched him. Then he yelled to the whole town. "Hey everybody! Bill Clinton is here on the ground knocked out!" "WOOHOO!" The whole town yelled with joy as they ran to him and dog piled him. "Ok, you need a new face," John said to the Scarecrow, "And you need a nose job," he said to the Lion. "So come with me to see him." They agreed graciously. Meanwhile, a quarantined frog with skin disease and leprosy escaped the town and ran to see the Wizard. John and the gang kept going, too. Then they got lost. They asked a passerby, "Excuse me, but how do you get to the Wizard of Oz?" He answered. "That's easy. Just follow the yellow slick toad." (Do you get it? Ha ha ha ha ha.) "Ok, Thank You!" They eventually caught up to the leper frog. "Hi," John said. "Can you take us to the Wizard of Oz? Don't worry: It won't cost you an arm and a leg. He he," John said very rudely about the fact that the frog had leprosy. "Hey, that was mean," the frog said. Then the frog started going off on a rant about how mean John was, but before he knew, he was completely 'disarmed'. "Hey buddy, don't you dare fall to pieces on me!" John screamed madly. This comment hurt the frog. So he cried his eyes out. Literally. "What a jerk. Let's keep going," John said. They kept on going, going, going, going, going, going, going, going, going, going, going, going, going, going, going, going, going, going, and going for a while. Then they saw a castle and went in. Inside, they saw a lobby, and other 'rooms' with slot machines and poker tables. "It's a casino?" John was confused. But then they saw a sign by the elevators. "Wizard Floor 40." So they took the elevator up to floor 40. There was a huge door, and they went through it. And on a huge throne sat the Wizard.
"You're the Wizard? You're a loser," John said about the Wizard's appearance. "Ya ya, I get that a lot. So what the heck do you want?" "He needs a new face, he needs a nose job, and I need a.umm.I kind of forgot." "Well, here's the business card of a plastic surgeon for both of you. And you, you can have $500. Now leave." "Ok, bye." They left very sadly. When they finally got outside, the clouds and the sky turned black, the earth trembled, and the Witch appeared with all her minions. They all surrounded John, the Scarecrow, and the Lion. The Witch let out an evil laugh, and was about to cast her wrath on John, when suddenly, a nuclear bomb went off in
Iraq, the Apocalypse began, and everybody died.
The End
Chapter 2: Munchkin World Night fell as John continued his journey on the Diarrhea colored Road. By Nine o'clock, it was very dark and John was scared. No he wasn't. He's as tough as nails, remember? Then he saw a sign. "Munchkin Land 3 Miles." John was excited at this, so he kept going. He would stop at Muchkin land that night. On his way there, he met a scarecrow. The scarecrow was crying. Now, is John compassionate with the scarecrow, does he take sympathy for him and let him come come along to see the Wizard to be healed? Nah. "Hey, shut the heck up before I bust your face," said John. "I'm sorry, it's just that my girlfriend broke up with me, and I'm having a hard time dealing with it." "Ha ha ha! Sucks for you! Sucker! Get over it. It's not that big a deal." "But I was so nice to her, I bought her so much stuff... I just don't get it. Why do you think she dumped me? Could it be my sensitivity problem?" "No. She didn't dump you because you were too sensitive, she dumped you because you're freakin' ugly." "But, but..." "SHUT UP!" "But..." "I'LL BREAK YOU IN TWO IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP!" "But..." (Crack) "Oh shoot! He's dead! What do I do now? I'll bury him. No, you can't do that, you'll get your prints all over the body. Think, John, think...EUREKA! I'll..." John was interrupted. "I'm... alive..." "What? Speak louder." "I'M ALIVE!" "Oh...umm, come with me." "I can't walk, though. I'm kind of broken in two." "Limp, or crawl, or sumpin'. I'll get some masking tape in Munchkin land and fix you up." "Really? Can I go with you to see the Wizard?" "No. You're too ugly. I couldn't stand looking at you the whole trip." "If I wear a paper bag over my head?" "Fine. So long as you don't take it off, even if you're suffocating." "Deal." "Ok, let's move." After about a half an hour, they arrived in Munchkin Land. They went downtown, and saw hell. Munchkins being mugged, munchkins doing drugs, drunk homeless munchkins, and dead munchkins. They walked through very carefully, and reached the Wal- Mart. They bought masking tape and fixed up the scarecrow. When they were leaving, a Munchkin stood in front of John, blocking his path. "Out of my way, you gay little, sissy-voiced, pumpkin pie hair cutted freak," John responded. Immediately, six other Munchkins jumped out with M-16 assault rifles. John wasn't scared. He grabbed one of the Munchkin's guns, picked up the first munchkin, and shot him. Then all the other Munchkins got scared and tried to run away. But John grabbed them all, tied up their hands, put their heads inside their pants, threw them into an ice cold river, and walked off. When they were leaving town, they met up with a girl. "Hi, I'm the real Dorothy, from the movie? Anyway, I didn't really make it to the Wizard. I got lost and lived like a savage in the woods, killing deer and them eating their cold, raw, uncooked meat. I sometimes got so hungry that I resorted to cannibalism and I could kill and eat hunters. I'd like to come with you to the Wizard. May I?" She asked. "Nah." They did to her what they did to the other munchkins. They continued on their journey. The next morning, they ran into the Wicked Witch of the South. "He he he, I'm the wicked witch of the south, and you will do anything I ask!" she said. "How's it like being a redneck?" John asked. "Howdy dowdy, feller'! I sure like Arkansas and all them family members in 'sippi! I mean...Shut up fool! Give me the Red Slippers at once!" she demanded. "No way, witch, these are my Nike's." So what happens next? Does he get really mad at the Witch, kill her, and get sent back to Jail? Probably not. By reading this story, you can tell that John is a really nice guy. Does John get turned into a Squirrel and get eaten by the witch and her hillbilly family? No. Does he go back and marry a dead Munchkin? Heck no. You'll just have to wait for Chapter 3 to find out.
Chapter 3: New Friends, Catcrows, and a Hardware Store "No way, witch, these are my Nike's," John said to the Witch as hate and rage arised. "Fool! I shall put a curse on you!" She yelled. "Bite Me!" John yelled as he and the scarecrow ran away. (POOF!) "Ahh! Frick! I'm a cat! Help me!" "HA HA! I mean... I'll come back later to help you... I guess... Bye Scarecrow, I mean Catcrow. Ha ha ha..." John said as he ran away.(OK, I just gotta interupt. That was THE corniest joke I've ever said in my entire life. You can tell it's original. Catcrow?! What was I thinking. That was gay.) "Phew..." John let out a sigh of relief when he had finally gotten away. Then John heard something. "WOOHEE! That was sure good dead Munchkin. Mmm, good lunch," said Carrottop as he walked out of the River."Ahh! Who are you? Are you trying to make a collect call? Well, dial down the center with 1-800-CALL-ATT!" Carrotttop said as he approached John. John pulled out a handgun, shot him, and kept moving. Then a tin man jumped out in front of John. John shot him, but the shot bounced off the tin. "Ha ha, you can't hurt or kill me." he said. "Wanna Bet?" "Ya, I do, cause I'm made of Tin, so I will win. I'm also an amatuer rapper as you can tell." "So you don't think I can hurt you? Not one little bit?" "No I don't." So John hit him in the face with the butt of his gun. "Ow! That hurt! Hey, look, you dented my tin! I'm suing!" "NOOOOOOO! Don't sue! Please! Look, we'll go to the hardware store and buy something to fix it. Deal?" "Deal. But where's the store?" (A hardware store magically appears out of nowhere) "There it is!" They both went in, and went to Costumer Service, where some goofy looking pimple faced teenager was working. "So, uh, What exactly do you sell here?" John asked. "Umm, we've got allen wrenches, gerbil feeders, toilet seats, electric heaters, trash compactors, juice extractors, shower rods, water meters, walkie-talkies, copper wires, safety goggles, radial tires, BB pellets, rubber mallets, fans, dehumidifiers, picture hangers, paper cutters, waffle irons, window shutters, paint removers, window louvres, masking tape, plastic gutters, kitchen faucets, folding tables, weather stripping, jumper cables, hooks and tackle, grout and spackle, power foggers, spoons and ladles, pesticides for fumigation, high performance lubrication, metal roofing, waterproofing, multi-purpose insulation, air compressers, brass connecters, wrecking chisels, smoke detectors, tire gauges, hamster cages, thermostats, bug deflectors, trailer hitch demagnitizers, automatic circumsisers, tennis rackets, angle brackets, duracells, energizers, soffit panels, circuit breakers, vacuum cleaners, coffee makers, calculators, generators, and matching salt and pepper shakers," the kid said. "Oh, umm... do you have dent remover?" asked John. "Aisle 5." "Thanks." They walked out of the store and kept on going. Then they ran into a Lion. "Rawr..."said the Lion. "You suck," John said. "I know." "Well then, get lost, or I'll shoot you,"John told the Lion. "Ok." "Too Late," John said as he pulled his gun out. "No! Don't hurt me? What do you want from me?" "Food." "But there's a Wendys down the road..." "Oh. Well, you're coming, and if you lied, I'll cry." (At the thought of this, the entire group shrieked.) The Tin Man fell to his knees. "God, please let John remain emotionally stable, and please, spare the lives of others and don't let him cry. Amen." he said. Then the scarecrow showed up. "Hey guys!" he said. "Ahh! Away, beast from the underworld, do not shine thine ugliness on me! AHH! I'm melting...call...911..."John gasped. "It's me." he said. "Oh. Wow. You again? Haven't seen you for ages. Wait, where's the bag?" "I don't have one." "You do know," John said as he ripped the Tin Man's mask/helmet off and gave it to the scarecrow, revealing the Tin Man's face. "Bill Clinton? You're Bill Clinton?" John has horrified. "Yup...Want a cigar?" Everyone screamed and ran away. "Oh well," Clinton said as he layed back on a tree. An hour later, a huge 160 person mob came back, with pitchforks and flaming torches, yelling, "Kill Him!!!!" Bill ran away as fast he could. "Ha ha...wait, he's not dead..."said someone in the mob. "John?!" everyone screamed. "Umm..." "Kill HIM, forget Clinton!" "AHH!" John sprints down the road, the mob on his tail. So what happens next? Does the mob catch up and kill him? Probably not. Does Carrottop come back to life and wreak havoc on the earth? No. Does Carrottop come back to life to stalk, kill, and cut John's eyes out before eating him? Heck no. Do Killer Clowns and their greasepainted cousins mimes, swoop out of the sky with the Witch and kidnap John? Actually, yes. Wait till Chapter 4: Clowns, Mimes, Cymbal Monkeys, Dolls, Marionettes, and other hell spawn.
Chapter 4: I forgot what it was gonna be called
And so John ran, the mob right on his tail. That was when he did it. He gently rode up, higher and higher, and flew. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, John took off and flew. John had a freak accident involving a phosphorous grenade, a truck full of Mexicans illegally crossing the border, Border Police, lots of salad dressing and a manager of Burger King when he was 8 years old, and ever since then, he could fly, but he didn't find out about this talent until the age of 57. "Sweet, I can fly! Ah ha ha ha ha !" John exclaimed as he soared like an eagle. When he got to the next town, he landed. In the town, there was a diner. He went there to get some food. "I'm hungry and starving and I'm looking for the Wizard of Oz, but I don't have even a dollar," John said to the waiter. "Well then, get lost, kid, find some other restaurant," the waiter said. John started a conversation. "That's a nice shirt. Where did you get?" "Nordstroms. Why do you ask?" "Because I used to have a shirt just like it." "Really?" "Ya.Before I got a job! Ha ha! So long, sucker!" Then the waiter got mad. "Oh yeah, well, umm, you're, umm, DUMB!" John was horrified. "Take that back, meanie!" "Never." Then John started feeling kinda gooey inside, and he fell on his knees and he cried and cried, and that's when those security guards threw him out. "WAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!" John cried on the streets, and horror rang. Windows shattered, passerbys all fell to the ground, clenching their ears & feeling the pain, boats sank, houses set on fire, bombs went off, and gunshots rang out as the FBI arrived. "SHUT UP!" the captain yelled through his megaphone. John climbed on to the roof of the local high school. He thought that he was safe, but he wasn't even close to it. John dodged bullets as the local police force shot at him. Helicopters high above shot at John below. The CIA was ready to blow him up, when suddenly, something amazing happened. Killer clowns and mimes swooped out of the sky on broomsticks, with the wicked witch of the south leading them. They grabbed John and took him to the Witch's castle. As they entered, John noticed that there was a big statue of the Witch in the middle of the castle. "I made that myself, you know," the witch said. " It's so beautiful.it never fails to amaze me. Do you like it?" "No. It looks like it was made out of old milk cartons by a group of first graders from a country that has never seen milk cartons before. Oh, and did I mention that they had no scissors, glue, or hands, and that they had to do it while they were covered in bees? I should have." answered John. "Shut up fool man-son! Surely for this you will die a horrible death!" said the witch. "Ya ya, whatever," John responded. As they continued down the hall, they reached a staircase. Hanging right above the entrance to the stair case was a huge, 50 ft. by 70 ft. painting. "I made that myself too, you know," the witch bragged about the painting. "I've seen hobos clean better looking things out of their bellybuttons," John responded. She was very angry about this and took him upstairs to his room. Stay here!" She demanded. "You jerk! Can't I get the master suite or sumpin'? This room sucks! This is worse than Motel 6!" John complained about the room. "Ha ha ha ha ha !" The witch yelled as she left. Suddenly, a sand clock magically appeared and started running. The witch's face appeared on the sand clock. "When this is done, you will die!" The witch said as she disappeared. John picked up the sand clock, chucked it out the window, and then walked right out of the door that the witch was dumb enough to leave open. As John was leaving the castle, he saw a terrible sight. He was surrounded by clowns, mimes, cymbal monkeys, ventriloquist dummies, marionettes, dolls, and Ronald McDonalds. The worst things in the world surrounding John with bloodthirsty eyes. So what will happen next? Will John remember that he can fly and soar in to the sky until he reaches the wizard? Probably not. Will he pull out some bagpipes and play until the freaks go away? No. Will he go back and marry the sand clock he threw out the window? Heck no, you idiot! Haven't you already figured out that John never goes back and marries a dead something or an inanimate object? Geez, you people. You sicken me. Chapter 5: The one without a name.you will get it soon...
Chapter 5: The one without a name What does John do to the freaks? Nothing. He walks away in peace and nuthin' happens. He kept walking and walking until he reached the next town, Doolicity (Background - Doolicity is a mysterious quarantined town for leprosy infected victims and people who were hated elsewhere and exiled from society located in Texas. How John got to Texas, I haven't a clue.) When he got there, three of the town members were shocked. (See picture.)
"You?! What are you doing here?" they said very angrily. "Umm.going to see the Wizard, I guess?" John didn't know what he was doing. He was too old. "I'm uh gonna kill you!" said Bill Clinton/Tin Man. "Nah," responded John to the threat. So he swung the axe at John. So what will happen next? Will he get killed by the Tin Man? I'm not telling you, scroll down and read the rest!
The axe barely missed John. Then John got a brilliant idea, and put it into action. He grabbed the cardboard axe out of the Tin Man's hands, broke it in two, and punched him. Then he yelled to the whole town. "Hey everybody! Bill Clinton is here on the ground knocked out!" "WOOHOO!" The whole town yelled with joy as they ran to him and dog piled him. "Ok, you need a new face," John said to the Scarecrow, "And you need a nose job," he said to the Lion. "So come with me to see him." They agreed graciously. Meanwhile, a quarantined frog with skin disease and leprosy escaped the town and ran to see the Wizard. John and the gang kept going, too. Then they got lost. They asked a passerby, "Excuse me, but how do you get to the Wizard of Oz?" He answered. "That's easy. Just follow the yellow slick toad." (Do you get it? Ha ha ha ha ha.) "Ok, Thank You!" They eventually caught up to the leper frog. "Hi," John said. "Can you take us to the Wizard of Oz? Don't worry: It won't cost you an arm and a leg. He he," John said very rudely about the fact that the frog had leprosy. "Hey, that was mean," the frog said. Then the frog started going off on a rant about how mean John was, but before he knew, he was completely 'disarmed'. "Hey buddy, don't you dare fall to pieces on me!" John screamed madly. This comment hurt the frog. So he cried his eyes out. Literally. "What a jerk. Let's keep going," John said. They kept on going, going, going, going, going, going, going, going, going, going, going, going, going, going, going, going, going, going, and going for a while. Then they saw a castle and went in. Inside, they saw a lobby, and other 'rooms' with slot machines and poker tables. "It's a casino?" John was confused. But then they saw a sign by the elevators. "Wizard Floor 40." So they took the elevator up to floor 40. There was a huge door, and they went through it. And on a huge throne sat the Wizard.
"You're the Wizard? You're a loser," John said about the Wizard's appearance. "Ya ya, I get that a lot. So what the heck do you want?" "He needs a new face, he needs a nose job, and I need a.umm.I kind of forgot." "Well, here's the business card of a plastic surgeon for both of you. And you, you can have $500. Now leave." "Ok, bye." They left very sadly. When they finally got outside, the clouds and the sky turned black, the earth trembled, and the Witch appeared with all her minions. They all surrounded John, the Scarecrow, and the Lion. The Witch let out an evil laugh, and was about to cast her wrath on John, when suddenly, a nuclear bomb went off in
Iraq, the Apocalypse began, and everybody died.
The End