A/N: I don't own this chapter of Daylight Moon. Though I have edited it a little, it belongs strictly to Athey, not me. I am only borrowing it, with her permission, for a continuation. More chapters to come.
I also do not own Twilight or any of the characters.
XxXxXxXxX
Another long, boring, pointless day in purgatory. It's days like this one; basically every weekday for three quarters of the year, that I question my own sanity for doing this willingly.
I sat at the same lunch table that my family and I sit at every school day, in the Forks High cafeteria. Why was I doing this again? Oh right - blending in. Not that we could ever blend in anywhere.
No matter where we went or what we did, we stuck out like sore thumbs. The humans all thought us beautiful. But while they were attracted to our beauty, they were deterred by their subconscious instincts that told them to be wary. To stay away.
So none of them would get anywhere near us. Which was, of course, a very good idea. Especially today. My brother Jasper was not a safe person to be near today.
Out of the five of us, Jasper was actually the oldest. Older then me by more then 60 years. But his age was far from an advantage. The vast majority of his long life was spent feeding on humans. It wasn't until fairly recently, when he met Alice, that he finally opted to feed solely on animals; my family's diet of choice. We jokingly referred to ourselves as vegetarians for that choice.
We were all vampires, of course, but vampires that opted to try and live more 'normal' lives. Instead of wandering from one place to another, constantly moving on to avoid attracting too much attention, we had chosen to have a permanent home.
Every time we have had to 'move on' for one reason or another we'd start the entire process over again. We'd all start out as young as we could reasonably pull off, and go through the torture of public school again and again, in order to stay in that location for as long as possible. The younger we were when we started out in a place, the longer we could stay before people became too suspicious of our mysterious lack of aging.
This was our second year in Forks Washington.
Our original arrival in town had been a huge deal to the child population of the school, and for the first time since then, the entire school population had found another new-student bit of gossip to obsess over.
The town's police sheriff had a daughter. A daughter who was coming to live with him, thanks to some new custody arrangement.
It wasn't something that mattered to me at all, but I was still very much aware of all the varied details thanks to my own special 'gift'. Honestly, going through high school over and over again probably wouldn't be nearly as unbearable if it weren't for the fact that I had to listen to the thoughts of the children around me all day long.
The thoughts of teenagers are probably the most unbearable thoughts imaginable. At any given point in time, half the student body had one of the latest and more obnoxious pop songs of the day stuck in their head; the male population was almost constantly exploring one fantasy or another about their female classmates... and teachers; and the majority of the girls were too consumed by wondering if their fellow girls were thinking about them, to even bother thinking about anything else.
I've always tried my best to block them all out, but no matter how hard I tried, the best I could do was quiet it into a din of noise. I can ignore them most of the time, but certain things always catch my attention simply out of habit.
Edward Cullen.
Like people thinking my name... The thought caught my attention immediately and I glanced in the direction that I'd 'heard' it coming from. I always turned my head when I heard my name. I was glad that my name had gone out of style because it used to be insanely irritating to turn to the thoughts of every person who thought the name Edward, when they weren't even talking about me.
This day the thought was coming from Jessica Stanley.
My eyes slipped from her face to the face of the girl beside her. It was a face I'd seen all day long through the minds of the student body. It was the new girl, Isabella Swan, or Bella, as she seemed to prefer, having corrected everyone who'd spoken to her so far today.
My breath caught.
Seeing her through the dull simple eyes of the human populace and seeing her in person, with my own, considerably superior vampire eyes, was a significantly different matter. Even looking at her from all the way across the room, her brown eyes seemed endlessly deep. Her skin was pale, nearly as pale as my own and she stuck out even amongst the tan-less population of Forks High. Her dark brown hair, and deep brown eyes contrasted the light ivory of her complexion perfectly, and oh... her blush.
Our eyes had met for only the briefest second before her cheeks flushed red and her glorious eyes darted down to the table.
I felt... light. Excited. It was strange. I couldn't even remember the last time I'd felt anything even remotely like this. I shook my head, confused.
Edward? Are you okay, man? Jasper asked me through his mind. My eyes darted over to meet his. He had a confused look on his face, one eye brow raised curious.
Jasper, like me, possessed a unique gift. He was an empath. He could read the emotions of those around him, as well as influence them. I realized that he'd sensed the strange shift in my mood.
It was a welcome distraction for him. He'd been having trouble all day dealing with his thirst, having pushed himself farther then was wise. I guess having something else to focus on was probably a relief for him.
I nodded my head subtly, not wanting to acknowledge his concerns verbally and draw the unnecessary attention of my other siblings.
I turned my attention back to Jessica and the new girl, Bella.
"That's Edward, Alice and Emmett Cullen, and Rosalie and Jasper Hale. They all live together with Dr. Cullen and his wife."Jessica was telling her.
Strange, unpopular names, Bella thought. The kinds of names grandparents have. But maybe that's what's in vogue here — small town names?
I grinned. Not sure why, but this amused me.
Her mental voice sounded lovely. People's internal voices were usually very similar to their spoken voices – or rather, to what their spoken voice sounded like to them. Humans tend to hear their own voices slightly differently then what it sounded like to everyone else. I couldn't remember any longer what my own voice sounded like to me when I was still human. The memories of that time long faded and forgotten. My vampire hearing negating that effect now.
I found myself wondering what her voice would sound like in person. How different it would be from the one in her head.
Why am I thinking about this? I wondered to myself. Thrown off by such strange thoughts flying through my own mind.
"They are… very nice-looking." Bella said to Jessica. She was thinking that it was an extreme understatement.
Ah... her voice was lovely. There was a lot of noise pollution from the surrounding students. I could still make out hers easily, but I longed for a chance to hear it up close and with fewer distractions.
Jessica began gushing over the standard Cullen Family gossip. Going on about how we were the three Cullens were adopted while the two Hale kids were foster children of Esme's, but how strangely scandalous it was that many of us were 'together, together', referring to Alice and Jasper, Emmett and Rosalie being couples.
"Jessica Stanley is relaying Cullen gossip to the new girl." I muttered quietly to my siblings, trying to sound uninterested.
Jasper eyed me curiously again, still sensing some rare emotions from me. Emmett looked up. "Anything juicy?" He grinned.
"Nothing new." I said in a bored tone.
It was my job, as the family telepath, to try and catch any dangerous town gossip early, and warn the family.
"What's the new girl think?" Emmett asked, just for something to talk about.
"She thinks Esme and Carlisle must be very kind to take in older children." I began. Her thoughts were kind. She was really warmed by the idea. "Huh..." I let slip from my mouth in slight surprise.
Rosalie looked up, wondering what had caught my attention now.
"She feels... pity for us." I said quietly, looking down at the table, while still listening in on the new girls' thoughts. Rosalie looked almost insulted. The idea that a human would find any reason to feel pity for us was ridiculous to her.
"She feels sorry for us, being such outsiders. Not being accepted by the other students." I quickly said to clarify, seeing Rose's reaction. "She's also relieved that she isn't the only oddity in the school." I smirked, "She doesn't like all of the attention she's getting, being the new girl."
Hmfph. Don't care. Rosalie thought as she rolled her eyes and returned her attention to the small compact mirror in her hand.
My attention turned back to the pair of girls again suddenly as Bella mentally prepared to ask Jessica another question and a vision of my face went through her mind.
"Which one is the boy with the reddish brown hair?" Bella asked her.
Oh god! Good luck! Jessica thought as she rolled her eyes internally. She went on to explain to Bella to not bother, since I was apparently not bothered to even notice any of the girls in school. No matter how many had tried, I'd shunned them all. Jessica's tone clearly showed her own personal irritation. Bella grinned and she wondered when I'd turned Jessica down. I stifled a chuckle.
She glanced at me again and noticed I was smiling. I looked away, but tuned into Jessica's mind to watch Bella through her eyes.
Jessica's mind was not a pleasant place to be. She was a horribly shallow creature, but in a different way then my sister Rosalie. Jessica was the type of person who would befriend someone just to get juicier gossip on them, so the moment their back is turned she can run to everyone else and spread the word.
Her primary motive for clinging so close to Bella today seemed to be to bask in the radiated attention, everyone was casting down on Bella. Her thoughts were vile and bitter. She was the type of person who wouldn't hesitate for a moment to stab another person in the back, if it benefited her.
Something about the vicious edge to Jessica's thoughts that Bella was clearly unaware of gave me the strange urge to step in between them, to shield Bella from the darker workings of Jessica's mind. At the very least to warn the girl to try and find a different friend to cling to.
Why am I concerning myself with this so much? I shook my head, trying to clear it. The pointless inner-workings of the stupid high school social networking system never consumed my thoughts this much before.
Bella really did seem different from most of them though. She did notice our uncanny attractiveness, but it wasn't what her thoughts focused around.
She was kind, and seemed almost naive as to the nature of the attention she was drawing from the students around her. But she didn't want the attention, kind or otherwise; it made her uncomfortable and part of her wished she'd just been able to sit alone for lunch instead of the large crowded table she was sitting at. The only reason she'd done it at all was so as not to be rude when Jessica dragged her there.
Most girls would be thrilled to have so easily been accepted into a closed niche group of 'popular' teens. Been excited with how willing and excited everyone was with becoming friends with the girl. She didn't desire the acceptance or the attention. She just wanted to blend into the background and be left alone. She seemed to be very shy and reserved.
The urge to protect her from her table mates grew in me again. I didn't approve of several of them. Jessica was certainly one of them, but Lauren's thoughts equally venomous, if not more so. And the disturbing images flying through the mind of Mike... I cringed, disgusted.
Now I really wanted to go over there. Just to drag her away from his vile mind.
His eyes were glaring over her form, taking advantage of the fact that her attention was distracted in the opposite direction of him. He raked his eyes over her curves, imagining what her exposed curves would look like without the clothing. I'd seen such fantasies from his mind many many times before of a large portion of the school's female population, but never before this moment had it upset me so much.
Anger roared up in my chest and I had to clench my fist on the table edge to stop myself from jolting up from my seat. The internal struggle had happened in less then a microsecond and I'd kept myself perfectly still through the entire thing so none of my siblings even noticed... except for Jasper.
I darted my eye over to his face for a second trying to gauge him. His eyes were wide and he was looking at me like I'd gone mad.
Edward... what the hell is going on with you? He asked through his thoughts.
I shook my head lightly. I honestly was not really sure what was going on. The thoughts and emotions raging through my head were foreign to me – at least they were when they were my own. I wasn't sure how I'd answer him, even if I had been willing to do so at this moment... which I wasn't.
It was then that my siblings decided to depart from the table.
"Shall we?" Rosalie said, stuffing her compact into her bag, and collecting her untouched tray of food.
Rosalie and Emmett stood up first, taking their trays over and dumping the contents into the trash. Alice, who had spent the entire lunch period focused on her husband's immediate future for any signs of a slip, stood up and Jasper hesitantly followed her, eying me curiously the entire time. A moment later I followed suit, standing up and carrying my tray towards the trash can. Quickly, I chanced a brief glance in Bella Swan's direction. She was looking at me again. She blushed, once again embarrassed at getting caught staring. I grinned. She grinned back sheepishly, her blush growing.
What a glorious effect that had on her face. The red touched her cheeks in the most lovely fashion. I suddenly realized I'd stopped moving and was just standing there staring across the cafeteria at her. Our eyes locked. I could hear her heart rate running a mile a minute even from all the way across the room. She looked at her tray for a second before looking back up at me through her eyelashes, smiling.
Is she flirting with me? I found myself returning a crooked grin. I chuckled lightly and finally continued on my way, dumping the untouched contents of my tray and heading towards the exit. I looked at her one last time and smiled. She smiled back.
I felt a warm rush fly through me. It was so strange. I'd never felt anything like it. It certainly wasn't the first time one of the girls in the school had attempted to flirt with me. It was, however, the first time I'd felt any urge to reciprocate. Our simple silent exchange felt so juvenile, and yet it set me on fire. I had no idea what it meant, but for the first time in... ever, I felt light and even... happy while in school.
I wondered what her next class might be.
XXXXX
I sat down at my desk in the back of the biology room. I was the only one in the class who didn't share a table with anyone. Mr Banner allowed it because even he was more then aware how thoroughly I already knew the material, and because the class had an odd number of students and it was simply a necessity. If anything it worked in his favor. Many of the labs in the class involved table-mates pairing up to share equipment, and anyone else being forced to do them solo would leave them at a disadvantage. That was clearly not the case with me.
It also worked out to the advantage of the rest of the students in the class since none of them would honestly feel comfortable having to sit that close to me day-in and day-out.
The class was slowly filling with students. I'd arrived early, having nothing better to do. I unloaded my bag full of books sloppily across the table and leaned back in my chair, staring at the ceiling.
Absently I searched in my mind for the mental voice of Bella Swan. She was walking with Angela Weber. I smiled. Angela's thoughts were kind and they seemed to be getting along well. Apparently the two of them shared their next class and the Weber girl was showing her the way.
Wait... isn't Angela in this class? I wondered to myself suddenly, opening my eyes and looking towards the door just as it opened and the two of them entered. The class was almost full now and I realized that the only open seat in the class was the one next to me.
Angela took her seat while Bella made her way towards the front of the classroom to the teachers desk.
Her eyes caught mine and we smiled at each other again. I couldn't help it. She blushed as she walked past me.
What the heck? Did Cullen just smile at the new girl? Mike Newton's thoughts intruded, both surprised and irritated. I was definitely forming a growing dislike for this boy.
My attention quickly shifted back to the new girl. I caught her scent and it was absolutely heavenly. My throat burned from it, and it was stronger then usual, but I'd been abstaining for centuries and this was nothing I couldn't handle. I made a mental note to hunt tonight, anyways, for cautions sake. Jasper needed to anyways, and I could always use that as an excuse.
Although Jasper will probably want to prod me for details on today... The thought ambled through my mind. Well, as long as it's just the two of us, maybe we can talk about this.
She handed her slip to Mr Banner, he signed it and handed her a copy of the class book. He motioned for her to join me at my table and she headed my way.
I suddenly realized my mess of books were still occupying the entire table and quickly shuffled them into a neater pile and shoved them to the edge of my side.
She sat down, looking away bashfully. I could hear her trying to will away her blush, in her mind. She was arguing with herself, internally. Telling herself that she'd imagined our exchange in the lunch room.
There's no way someone this gorgeous would ever even look my way... especially after what Jessica said. He's probably got every girl in the school after him. No way he's interested in me.
I rolled my eyes internally, thinking back to the number of girls who'd spent the first six months of our attendance here, practically throwing themselves at me. They had no idea how lucky they were that I didn't return their interest.
But what about this girl?
I caught myself. What about this girl? What was this... thing, I was doing? She was consuming my thoughts far too much.
I shoved the thought from my mind, not wanting to deal with it just yet, and turned to face her. She had her hair down between us as a curtain, still trying to will away the flush in her cheeks.
"Hello. I'm Edward Cullen." I said to her in a surprisingly pleasant tone; surprising to me, at least. It didn't even take any effort, it just came out that way.
"Oh..." she popped her head up, eying me with surprise. "Hi," she said breathlessly. Her real voice was even lovelier than her mental one.
I chuckled at her startled response.
"You must be Bella Swan." I said, hoping to get her to respond further.
Her brow knitted together suddenly. How'd he know my name?
"How do you know my name?" She asked, her voice a little harsh.
I raised a single eyebrow, as if to ask her if she was honestly asking me that question.
"I'd be surprised if a single student in this school isn't aware of your name." I said back, grinning.
"No... Well, I know that..." she scowled for a moment before looking back up, "I mean, why'd you call me Bella?"
I eyed her confused, not entirely sure what she was getting at. I quickly tried to pick her brain to see where this line of questioning was going. Oh... Isabella. Everyone else knew her as Isabella. I quickly struggled to find a way to fix my slip-up.
"Uh... well, I thought you preferred Bella. I'd heard several of the students talking about you correcting them. If you prefer Isabella, I'm fine with that as well." I shrugged playing off my slip.
"No, I like Bella. Charlie... I mean, my dad, must have been going around town all these years referring to me as Isabella or something, since so far everyone else has called me that."
"I can understand not liking people to get your name wrong. My brother Emmett thinks it funny to tease me by calling me Eddie. It annoys me endlessly." Why was I telling her this?
She giggled lightly. Oh... lovely. I thought. I couldn't help it.
Her smiled touched her eyes and they sparkled. I felt mesmerized by them. The foreign warmth in my chest boiling up again.
"Yeah, you don't really look like an Eddie to me. Don't worry, I promise to never call you Eddie." She giggled again.
"I appreciate that." I couldn't help but smile at her. Her heart rate picked up and she blushed again and she let her hair fall and shield her again, in an attempt to hide.
I bent my head down to the table to eye her from under the curtain. "Don't hide."
"I'm not hiding." She blushed harder. Stop looking, I'm going to melt!
I chuckled.
"Don't laugh at me." I hate my blushing! Gah, I wish I could control this stupid reaction better.
"I'm not laughing. And I think it's lovely when you blush. I wish you wouldn't hide."
Lovely? She thought, her eyes wide with surprise. She turned towards me more and without even thinking, I found my hand moving upwards to push the hair back behind her ear. My finger just barely contacted with her skin as I finally tucked the hair back. My breath caught.
I jerked my hand back and looked away.
"Sorry... I didn't mean to... I hope you aren't upset... I-"
What the hell is wrong with me? Why did I do that?
"It's okay. It's fine, really." Why is he apologizing? Why would I be upset...? He seems upset... I should change the subject... "I... I saw you in the cafeteria during lunch. That was your family you were sitting with?"
I tried to recuperate my composure. I wasn't sure why I'd reacted so... it was strange. I couldn't even make sense of my own actions right now. "Uh, yes, my brothers and sisters... I saw you too. You were sitting with Jessica Stanley?"
"I guess... I don't really know any of their names... You know Jessica?" Oh geez... what if he does like her. Maybe he was looking at her that whole time, not me. I should have realized...
"I wouldn't say I know Jessica. She pestered me quite a bit when my family and I first moved here. I... I wouldn't really recommend her as a good choice from the 'friend pool'. She's not a very... kind.... person." I hoped that she wouldn't be offended by that. It wasn't exactly any of my business who she choose to be friends with...
Oh! I guess he doesn't like her... that's a relief... sort of...is he worried about me being friends with her? She seemed nice enough, but he probably knows more about her then I could.
"Obviously, you can be friends with whoever you want... I'm not trying to be pushy or anything..." I realized I was backtracking. I never did this... what was wrong with me?
"No... it's sweet of you to be concerned." She looked away for a moment before looking back, "If I may ask... why exactly would you not recommend her as a good friend? Just so I have a better idea."
"Ah... well, she's... she's really more interested in gossip then the people behind the gossip." I searched wildly for some excuse I could give her that didn't involve revealing that I could read the girl's thoughts and they were just generally vile. "I... I can't necessarily put a single explanation to it, she's just never shown herself to be a particularly caring person." I shrugged and hoped that would be sufficient to get her to give up the subject.
She was just about to open her mouth, the thought still forming in her mind when Mr Banner called the class to attention. Bella's attention immediately switched to the front of the classroom and I felt myself sighing, irritated that my time to speak with the girl was cut short.
The subject matter discussed in the class was as boring and mind-numbing as ever and I didn't bother to pay a bit of attention. Bella's mind was more focused on it, but I caught her peeking at me several times through out the class. Every time I grinned back at her and she'd blush.
She was embarrassed at being caught, the thought not even crossing her mind that the only reason she was caught was because I was staring at her the entire time.
It was as if she couldn't even fathom the possibility that I would be watching her. It was strange.... this girl had such a low opinion of herself.
I glanced up at the clock, only one minute left. Mr Banner hadn't stopped talking the entire time. I groaned internally, frustrated.
"Alright class, don't forget to prep for Friday's quiz and remember..." My head popped up. He was finally finishing his lecture. I heard shuffling among the other students as they put away their notes and books.
I glanced over at Bella. She took a deep sigh and relaxed into her chair for a moment before sitting up and putting her newly acquired biology book into her backpack.
I wanted to talk to her.... I wanted to talk to this human girl. But... why? Why was I so upset that my talk with her had been interrupted in the first place?
I knew I shouldn't be. This wasn't something I should let myself be consumed with. I told myself I was just bored. Surely that was all.
Day in and day out, the school days dragged on endlessly repeating themselves. For some reason this girls arrival put enough of a dent in the doldrums that it caught my attention, but that was all.
That was all.
Really.
The class ended, and she made her way out of the classroom. I couldn't help but watch her as she left.
I sighed, waited a moment longer and finally stood up and made my way to Spanish.
Most of the rest of the week was a repeat of that first day. I couldn't stop watching her at lunch. Listening in with the conversations and thoughts of her and her collection of 'friends' that she seemed to sit with solely out of convenience. She did seem to take my 'advice' into consideration.
Her thoughts showed that she was more cautious of the things Jessica told her. I would guess she would have probably picked up on this on her own anyway though. It seemed obvious to Bella that Jessica really was a bit of a shallow creature, but Bella also clearly gave her more leeway that I would ever spare a person like Jessica Stanley.
Each day I'd try to make simple smalltalk before biology, but never anything very deep, I decided. I wanted to. I really wanted to... and that scared me. So I held my tongue, only going so far. Just the same.... sometimes I'd try asking a seemingly simple question just to get her thinking along a certain line just to get a peak at her thoughts on the subject.
Of course Jasper noticed that something was going on. But he kept quiet. I was amazed that even Alice hadn't seemed to realize something was was up. She was rather focused on her own world, of course, but since Jasper was basically in the center of her world, and Jasper, clearly noticed something was off with me, I was sure she'd pick up on it as well.
But here it was Friday, and not a single of my siblings, aside from Jasper, even spared a thought to my odd fixation. They hadn't even noticed it.
I had feared I was being rather... obvious... but I guess, maybe I wasn't. Even Bella Swan herself seemed ambivalent of my strange obsession. She convinced herself that our little wordless exchange in the cafeteria the first day had been her imagination... which... actually saddened me.
She still looked my way... quite often in fact, and when I'd speak to her in class her heart rate would race, her face would flush and her breath would catch.
Oh, how I loved that reaction...
I kept waiting for her thoughts to betray her 'true self' and come to realize she truly was just like all of the rest of them. That I was just seeing something that wasn't there that first day... but of course that didn't happen. Far from it. The more I listened into her mind, the greater my fascination with her grew.
She missed her mother. She missed brown. I couldn't help but chuckle at that. I'd never really encountered someone who seemed to enjoy the color brown so much, but she really seemed to despise the endless moisture of Forks, and missed the dirt and sand of her home in Arizona.
Most of all, she missed the Sun.
I could empathize with that...
She didn't want anyone to realize she was unhappy, for any reason. She didn't want any sympathy. No pity. She didn't want anyone else to ever suffer for her sake. She was a martyr. Self-sacrificing.
God, she's beautiful....
I caught myself. Shook my head trying to clear it. What the hell is going on with me?
I was leaning against the wall near the entrance to the cafeteria waiting for my siblings to join me for our lunch time facade. I'd let my mind wander, following her movements from her last class towards the lunchroom.
Jessica Stanley was with her, Mike Newton trailing close behind. Jessica was talking animatedly about absolutely nothing important. Jessica was thrilled that her affiliation with Bella had garnered her so much of Mike's attention, but she was less then thrilled that Mike's attention was solely focused on Bella, and not on herself at all. Whatever Jessica was going on about, Bella wasn't paying her any attention at all. She was going over an assignment in her mind, planning out her evening. She apparently cooked for her father and needed to go grocery shopping.
This would mark the end of her first week. She moved on to planning her weekend in her head. Laundry, cleaning, homework... she was looking forward to some quiet time to read. Her father was going fishing.
They walked past me and into the cafeteria. Our eyes met. She blushed. My breath caught.
Beautiful....
And she was gone. Into the room accompanied by - surrounded by - mindless hormonal idiots.
I caught an unavoidable glimpse of Mike's thoughts and couldn't help but growl low in my chest. I'd taken to avoiding the boys thoughts like the plague. They only served to aggravate me beyond reason. Eric's and Tyler's weren't much better. They'd also taken to sitting with Jessica and Bella, so Lauren Mallory was also a regular there. She wanted Tyler and, Tyler's fascination with Bella drew out the most venomous thoughts in Lauren's mind.
It was disgusting how half the people who pretended to play the role of her friends were fantasizing her naked, the the other half were fantasizing her gone.
I hated it.
She was so innocent. She didn't deserve to be surrounded by such a wretched group.
Better then being surrounded by a group of vampires.
I sighed.
Was it?
Jasper tapped me on the shoulder.
I jumped minutely, caught off guard. It wasn't easy for someone to come up and surprise me.
He chuckled lightly and gave me, what Alice described as his 'Lazy Smile'.
"Hey Edward.... I was hopin' you'd come chat with me?" He said, his southern accent coming through.
Alice was behind him and eyed him curiously... then suspiciously. She obviously didn't know what was up and hadn't seen this coming. Jasper must have been remaining undecided up until the moment he finally came up to me. Being married to the woman, he was more closely familiar then most how to dodge her talent.
He also knew how to dodge mine, and he was doing precisely that.
I raised an eyebrow, questioningly. He simply grinned back softly.
"Sure."
He turned back to Alice and gave her a light kiss on the cheek.
"Tell the others we'll be back in to join them shortly. Shouldn't be too long." She nodded, suspicion in her eyes. I could see her mind working overtime to try and see what was coming as she made her way into the cafeteria.
Jasper and I walked silently towards the parking lot, way out to the edge. Far enough that it would take some conscious effort on the part of our siblings to listen in. They could still do it, but they'd have to really try and hopefully they wouldn't bother.
He paused near the edge of the concrete, and relaxed against a tall wooden poll that supported a streetlight atop it.
I shuffled uncomfortable. I was starting to get an idea of what this was about, but he was still keeping himself from mentally verbalizing the words he wanted to say up until the moment he was ready to actually do it.
"Is it Bella Swan?" He asked, suddenly looking me in the eyes.
"That obvious, is it?" I looked away.
"No. Not really. But her first day was when... this started."
I looked at him now, surprised. Had I kept myself so rigid and cold, for so long, that that even such intense feelings as these didn't show through? That I could feel this strongly and not show it at all?
"What do you mean, exactly, by 'this'?". I asked cautiously.
"This. These... feelings I keep getting from you. I mean... My gawd man, I've never picked up such intense feelings from you. Its even more intense then your most intense self-loathing moping." He chuckled.
I scowled at him.
"It's... infatuation.... admiration.... jealousy. And it's growing. Everyday it changes and evolves further. I mean.. are you... are you falling in love with this girl?" He asked, his southern voice full of sincerity.
I could sense he was concerned. He had valid reasons to be.
I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose with my thumb and forefinger. Unsure how to answer him... well, maybe I was sure how to answer him, and that was the problem.
"I don't know Jazz. I.... I..." I couldn't continue. I just didn't know how.
"Have you ever felt like this before? With anyone?" He asked.
I looked away.
"I mean... I know, Alice and I haven't been around to see nearly as much of you, as the rest of the family, but from the time I have known you, and from what I know from Esme and Carlisle... I... I just get the feeling that you've always dedicated yourself to just being... alone. Have you ever felt anything like this before now?"
I sighed... "No.... never. Not... not even when I was human. I've never felt a fascination like this before. No human... or even vampire, has ever caught my attention like this. I don't understand any of it."
I sighed and shuffled again awkwardly. I didn't need to... it was habit, and I needed something to do with myself.
"I always thought I was complete with... with just me. I didn't need anyone else. It's never been easy being the odd-man out, but it didn't bother me that much. It wasn't that big of a deal. Esme always worried about it, of course... After Rose found Emmett, Esme was so worried I'd feel... left out, or something. She was worried again after you and Alice joined the family. Three blissful couples... and me.
"But it didn't bother me. Not... not like..."
"Like it is now?" He finished for me.
My eyes shot up to meet his. Was he right?
"I don't know, Jasper. I... I didn't really think of that."
"You know Edward, I was already pretty old when Alice finally found me. Maria changed me so she'd have a skilled soldier for her army. She never wanted me as a mate, and we never were. Our relationship wasn't like that. When I met Alice, it was like my whole world changed. Everything was turned upside down... rather, everyone was upside down before, and when she showed up, everything was turned right-side-up."
He stared into my eyes. His gaze was intense, and he was telling me with his thoughts that was he was about to say was the absolute true.
"What I'm feeling from you right now? It feels like this week your world got turned right-side-up."
I gawked at him. My mind racing. This was all still too knew for me to make sense of it. I couldn't verbalize anything that I was feeling yet. Could Jasper be right? Was I falling for this girl? And if I was... what did that mean? She's human. Human.
I sighed roughly and ran my hand through my hair.
"Do you want her?" He asked, after a brief pause.
I was shocked.
"Do I want her? What do you mean?" I asked him, flabbergasted.
"As your mate. Do you want this girl?" He asked again, one eyebrow raised with legitimate curiosity.
"Are you mad? She's human, Jasper."
He shrugged. "We were all human at one point."
"Are you honestly suggesting that I pursue this girl so I can change her and make her my mate?!?" I was shocked. He could not be serious.
He rolled his eyes.
"She likes you too, you know." He said, matter-of-factly.
My eyes widened. Sure... I did already know that... sort of. But...
He sighed. "I'm not saying it has to end that way. I mean, the two of you may get closer, just to discover it's not right. But at least you'll have made a step forward. You'll have tried. Worse case scenario, you get to know the girl and find you don't like her after all."
"No. Worse case scenario, is I.... I get to know this girl and I find that I do like her... but I change her and she hates me for it." My voice was quiet. I hadn't even vocalized this thought in my own mind, but I'd known it was back there.
"You over-think things too much, Edward." He huffed and the two of them stood in silence for a moment. "Here's a scenario for you, Edward. Best case scenario; you fall for this girl. She falls for you. You change her, she still loves you and she becomes your mate and the two of you live together happily for eternity."
My breath caught and he smirked at me. Even just hearing the words vocalized sent shocks through my system.
Is that really what I want?
Yes... a little voice in the back of my mind whispered.
"I'm a wretched, selfish creature, Jasper. But even I'm not that selfish. This girl is innocent. She's sweet and gentle... she deserves life. No matter what, I'd only be taking that away from her."
"Did it ever occur to you that you see this existence as an endless, bleak darkness, because you're spending it so alone? I mean... you're with us... but you're also alone. If you had her... if she had you, maybe you wouldn't see your existence as the equivalent of living death. Maybe you could finally stop just existing and start living."
"This is all moot. I'd never condemn someone to this life unless it was necessary. I couldn't change the girl just for my own selfish desires... even if she wanted it... which she wouldn't."
"You don't know that." He smirked.
I looked at him incredulous. "Jasper... I... what the hell are you even suggesting? I mean... have you thought about this at all? I'd... I'd have to tell her, what we are.
"Lets say I do pursue her. I couldn't be honest with her. I couldn't tell her the truth. If I did, it'd only put her in danger. It'd put us in danger. The moment she realized the truth she'd run screaming, and we'd have to leave again. This entire conversation is pointless. None of this is even an option."
He shrugged.
"I just wanted to make sure you were thinking this over. I've never felt anything like this from you before. It's real. Whatever it is. This might be a once-in-a-lifetime... well, existence, opportunity, here. I dunno."
He paused and the two of us stood in silence a minute longer.
"You know, whatever happens, you'll have Alice and my support. You've moved on for everyone in this family at one point or another. When Emmett has made mistakes and we had to leave, you did so without any complaint. When I've messed up, again, you moved on with the rest of us without complaint. Don't let worrying about us having to up and leave, prevent you from exploring this. I think it's too important to completely dodge it just because you're worried about causing the rest of us some inconvenience."
"Are you telling me to pursue this? You?"
He chuckled and shrugged. "As long as we're prepared that something could go wrong, it won't be so bad. If we suddenly have to up and leave, so be it."
"Rose would kill me." I said, staring into the white-gray overcast sky.
He laughed now. "She'd get over it. Besides, when you get down to the nitty-gritty, Rosalie brought Emmett back to Carlisle to be changed because she wanted him for her mate. How different would that be from this?"
"Emmett was at the brink of death." I said, flatly.
"Details, details." He chuckled. "You know, Emmett isn't bitter or angry with Rosalie or Carlisle for what he is."
"It was still difficult for him in the beginning. He had a big family that he left behind. Lots of siblings... cousins..."
"He still doesn't blame Rose or Carlisle. He's grateful. He loves his life."
"He was going to die."
"It's more then that. You know it. Hell, I'd be willing to bet that even if Emmett hadn't been mauled by that bear, and Rosalie had taken him alive and well, he'd still love her. Their bond is that strong."
I sighed and shook my head. "This whole idea is just insane though... I mean... a vampire getting involved with a human? There's no way I'd just change her and run off with her. I wouldn't dream of throwing her into this life without some preparation... without knowing she'd actually want to be with me. I'd have to... I don't know... court her. As a human."
"Isn't that basically what Tanya and her sisters are doing?" He looked at me with a single suggestive raised eyebrow. I rolled my eyes.
"I don't think it's quite the same thing."
"Well they may not exactly be falling in love with the human males they bring into their home, but they're definitely getting intimate with them." He chuckled. I cringed at the mental images in his mind.
The last time we stayed with Tanya's clan was when we moved to Alaska a number of years back and our house construction wasn't finished yet so we spent our off-time at their house. Jasper had apparently walked in on Irina and some human male being... intimate.
He continued after a moment. "The humans they take to bed with them do survive it, so it's obviously possible... still can't imagine how they manage that." He said the last part with an incredulous tone. Out of our family, it was definitely the most difficult for Jasper to be near humans. Being intimate with one was still far beyond his own self-control.
But what about my self-control? Could I be... intimate with a human? Would I have the strength to do that?
"Yeah, but it took them years of practice to get to the point where they didn't break their human partners in half like a toothpick." I sighed. I had thought of this... not that I wanted to admit it to anyone...
After another moments silence, Jasper stood up straight and began making his way back towards the school. I heaved a sigh and silently followed.
I knew this wasn't over, but I was out of things to say now and he knew it.
As we entered the cafeteria, Rosalie's eyes scrutinized us cautiously for a moment before she disregarded us and went back to the magazine she was reading. Emmett was irritated at being left out of whatever was going on. And Alice... Alice was bouncing up and down in her seat with an enormous grin on her face. I groaned.
Jasper looked at me apologetically. I sighed and weakly shrugged at him. I knew I couldn't keep this hidden forever... whatever this is. It was honestly a miracle that Alice hadn't noticed until now.
We sat down, not bothering to get our display-only trays of food. The lunch period was more then half over and there just wasn't any point.
Alice was screeching excitedly at me in her mind. It was shrill and nearly incoherent. I tried to block her out, rubbing my temples with the middle and forefingers of each hand.
Habitually, I let my mind wander to Bella's instead, seeking refuge there.
Oh...! He's back. I was worried... I was afraid he'd left for the day.
My eyes shot up and I glanced her way. Our eyes met and once again, she blushed.
How does he do that.... it seems like every time I think about him, he looks my way... Why did the idea of him not being in Biology upset me so much anyway? He's gone for half the lunch period and I feel like I'm about to cry. You're so pathetic Bella. It's not like he even knows you exist. I've got enough of Fork's stupid high school drama trying to trail behind me with Jessica and her friends, I don't need to start generating a new one by obsessing over Edward Cullen...
Mike's thoughts caught my attention next. Bella's looking at Cullen... Again. Why do all the girls fall so hard for those freaks? I guess I can't totally blame them... Rosalie and Alice are both pretty damn hot... scary as hell, but hot. Not like I should really worry about it. Cullen's probably gay or something. He won't give anyone the time of day... except... he has been sort of chatty with Bella in Biology. Freak. It's bad enough having Eric and Tyler going after her, but having to compete with Cullen would suck. At least I know I look better then Eric and Tyler combined. But freak Edward Cullen could pull off being some sort of male super-model. Fuck.
I blocked him and slipped back into Bella's. She'd been distracted by Angela asking her something. She tended to actually listen when it was Angela. Bella could already sense that Angela was a far more sincere person then the others who joined her for lunch. Bella seemed to be a good judge of character.
I heaved a heavy sigh and turned back to face my siblings. They were all staring at me... well, all but Rosalie. Alice was still screaming excitedly at me in her thoughts, but they were becoming more irritated now since I'd been ignoring her.
Could I possibly allow myself to explore my feelings for Bella Swan? Maybe just a little... just talk to her more. Or... I don't know. I haven't actually paid a slightest bit of attention to how courting is even done these days. Human boys always seem to have the most insipid ideas of courtship. Its like the best they can come up with is fast food and a trip to the local cinema.
But talking before class seemed to be getting me nowhere. In fact, she was still completely oblivious to my affection. She still seemed convinced that I was merely being polite.
I groaned internally and exhaled slowly just in time to sense the familiar tensing of Alice's mind. My eyes flew up to hers as they glazed over and she stared off into nothing as her mind filled with images.
My jaw dropped open as I saw the images flowing through her mind.
Bella and I were laying together on the grass in... my meadow...! The sun was shining brightly in the sky and my skin was glistening with it. She had her head rested on my exposed chest, her tiny little index finger was tracing the contours of my muscles. My face was blissful and I sighed content.
The vision shifted suddenly. Everything was the same, but I was no longer laying on my back, and Bella was no longer rested on my chest. She was on the ground and I my body was pressed, laying over top of hers. I was holding myself up by my elbows, and my mouth... was on her neck, sucking.
My dead heart nearly skipped a beat in terror, thinking that in this vision I had given in to the terrible reality of what I was... until I saw myself pull back, trailing kisses up along her neck to the base of her jaw. The spot I'd been suckling before was undamaged. I was kissing her.
Out mouths finally met and her hands intertwined with my hair, pulling me closer. A moment later and I went back to suckling her neck, the opposite side now, licking the delicate skin there and finding my way down to her collar bone. She moaned and...
It ended.
As I came back to the reality of the world around me I realized suddenly how tightly wound I'd become just from those few brief images, my breathing was heavy and erratic. My pants were... tight.
The eyes of my siblings were flying from my face to Alice's and back again. Emmett and Rosalie were both worried and concerned. Alice and my reactions were visibly intense, but neither of our faces gave away whether or not Alice's vision was a good or a bad thing.
Jasper's eyes were wide. He could feel the intensely strong lust rolling off of me and I could hear his mind working to find a way to get Alice into a closet before the next class. Alice looked stunned and remained silent for a moment. I knew it couldn't last.
She SHRIEKED. It was shrill and the entire cafeteria heard and looked her way. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if people had heard her in Idaho. She was bouncing up and down so excitedly it looked like she was only moments from exploding like an atomic bomb.
She lunged out of her chair and wrapped her arms around my neck, still bouncing up and down excitedly, screaming incoherently the entire time. I rolled my eyes and groaned. "Alice! Calm Down!"
Rosalie cocked an eyebrow. Okay... so what the hell was that all about?
Emmett looked amused. He felt fairly confident that he'd be getting the information out of Alice later, and was pretty sure from our reactions, that whatever it was he could use as fodder for teasing me for ages. I growled at him and he smirked, feeling confirmed in his suspicions.
Alice finally stopped her theatrics and released my neck. She sat back in her chair, still bubbling in her seat like a carbonated soda with pop-rocks mixed in. She had an enormous grin plastered across her face, but kept her mouth shut.
The attention of the cafeteria had finally faded away from our table, but our siblings were becoming impatient with the lack of information.
"Soooo...." Emmett began. "What the hell was that?"
Alice grinned wider at him, but remained silent.
"Oh come on!" He bellowed. "You can't do that in front of me and then not say a damn thing!"
"Was it anything bad, Alice?" Rose asked offhandedly as she resumed reading the latest issue of Motor Trend.
"Nope!" Alice said, popping the P at the end. She beamed at Rosalie. "Nothing bad."
"Anything to do with me or Emmett?" She asked, still uninterested.
"Nope."
Rosalie shrugged. "Then I don't care."
Alice and Emmett continued to banter for a moment, but I quickly began to ignore them. My mind preoccupied with the images that had just assaulted me via Alice. What did it mean? When does this happen? She had to... know. Seeing me as I am. In the sun like that.
"Alice... when?" I found myself saying, quietly under my breath before I even realized I'd opened my mouth. My eyes met hers.
Her eyes were soft and her smile was genuine.
Soon I think. Maybe a little over a month and a half. Maybe two. She thought at me, smiling widely.
Emmett was looking from Alice to me and back again. Frustrated by our silent conversation. He humphed in frustration and folded his arms over his chest, rolling his eyes.
"Fine... whatever. Don't tell me." Emmett grumbled. Alice giggled and hugged Jasper. He eyed her curiously, but he was still feeling the effects of the intense reaction I had to the vision and he welcomed the affection.
The lunch hour came to an end the the population of the school vacated the room. I finally got up and made my way to Biology in a daze.
I didn't say a word to Bella that day in class. I was too lost in my own thoughts to trust myself to say anything rational.
I dodged her eyes awkwardly, but she didn't think much of it.
Being so close to her, smelling her scent, feeling her warmth so near me.... it was too much after seeing what I'd seen. After feeling the powerful urges and emotions the vision had spurned within me.
I needed to think.
I decided to go for a hunt that weekend. Alone. I'd gone out Monday night with Emmett and Jasper to hold me over, but I wanted something a little longer... and more solitary. Hunting would do me good.
After school, I stayed at the house only long enough to tell Esme my plans for some solitary hunting time.
Emmett wanted to tag along, but primarily in hopes of squeezing Alice's vision out of me. When he came to terms with the fact that I would not be telling him, he mentally settled for trying to squeeze it out of Alice while I was away.
Carlisle was still working at the hospital, but I'd be back in a few days, so I saw no reason to go out of my way to see him. Esme and the others would tell him where I'd gone.
And then I was running. Flying through the trees. Heading south east towards Rainier.
God I loved running. If there was nothing else worth celebration in this worthless existence of mine, at least I had running.
----
It was Sunday night. I was nearly home now, but my mind was still a jumble. I didn't want to go into the house yet. I still had no idea what I would do the next time I'd be faced with Bella at school. I wanted to see her. So badly. It was nearly painful going these few days not seeing her, not hearing her thoughts, not smelling her scent... but at the same time, the thought of facing her was terrifying.
Would I continue to pretend that I felt nothing towards her? Pretend she was just another girl at the school that meant nothing to me? Could I even do that?
I couldn't stop listening into her mind. I couldn't stop watching her. And I knew that if I continued down the path I was going, it would drive me mad if I didn't take another step forward.
But could I?
If she found out what I am, that knowledge alone would put her in danger. A human with too much knowledge of our kind was considered a risk. Even if she somehow didn't run screaming from me, the fact remained that knowing too much in and of itself was hazardous to her health.
Not to mention the obvious danger of simply being involved with a vampire. I felt relatively confident in my ability to control my bloodlust around her, and Alice's vision only served to strengthen that belief. But the danger remained, nonetheless.
And what if this did progress? That was truly my greatest fear. My greatest horror. My greatest sin.
What if this did end with my greatest desire. If I did manage to claim Isabella as mine. My mate.
I would change her.
That thought alone horrified me.
I would never ask Carlisle to do it for me. It was against his nature to do something like that to someone who had a future ahead of them. Someone who had a valid alternative. A life to live.
I would take that from her.
My selfishness would steal her life from her to make it my own. To make her mine. Because I wanted her.
I was ashamed with myself. I truly was a monster if it was so easy for me to consider such a horrific thing.
God I wanted to see her....
Without even thinking I found my feet running. I had no idea where I was going. I let my feet lead me. I stopped in the little front yard of a house. I'd never been there, but I driven by it many times. It was a quaint little two story house.