Like everything else, it was a coincidence that started it all.
Just a coincidence that he decided to walk home with Rukia one day. Just a coincidence that Rukia discovered that she had mistakenly taken Renji's exercise books and asked him to return them.
Just a coincidence that he discovered Renji fucking Aizen's Sexta Espada, Grimmjaw Jeagerjacques.
He hadn't thought anything of it, really. A sudden –if rather small- and familiar burst of reiatsu had him sprinting for the apartment, sure that Renji was getting murdered. He remembered the reiatsu, swirling and heady and thick around him, almost choking him during his first fight against the Espada.
Instead, he discovered, all at once, the answer to three questions that had been puzzling him – Renji's sudden insistence on staying in Karakura after Grimmjaw briefly appeared one day, his insistence on staying in an apartment all by himself, and his sudden seclusion as well as the mysterious injuries that Ichigo accidentally saw one day after busting into Renji's room uninvited. He always thought they looked suspicious but trusted that Renji was doing nothing wrong.
How wrong he was.
The both of them, tangled and caught in lust, never noticed him. He, on his part, had no desire to alert them to his presence. But the image was seared into his brain, even after he left – Renji sprawled on the bed underneath Grimmjaw, moaning as Grimmjaw fucked him roughly.
He was not disturbed –not too much, at any rate- about the tightness in his pants. It was unavoidable.
Later that night, in a meeting at his house, he noticed Renji was wearing a long-sleeved turtleneck and jeans. He also noticed that he seemed more depressed than ever, drinking himself drunk on the sake that Matsumoto had brought. What troubled him was Renji's slightly drunken announcement, declaring proudly –and a bit desperately, Ichigo thought- about his undying love to Rukia.
But twisted him up inside was the hate that blossomed when he closed his eyes at night and saw the same image again.
The episodes continued, brief and far in between, but continued nonetheless. Ichigo was alternately angry and frustrated with Renji –angry at his involvement with the Espada, and frustrated at his inability to end the relationship. He couldn't do anything himself, not without serious injury to Renji's pride and his friends trust. What disturbed him even more was Renji's desperate attachment to Rukia. He loved her –he really did, Ichigo could see that, which made it all the more the worst. Rukia was blissfully unaware of the complications, basking happily in the joy of loving and being loved.
Finally, he decided that it had to stop. Renji wouldn't –couldn't- stop it, so he would.
He would kill Grimmjaw Jeagerjacques.
Of course, it was easier said than done. Oh, he tried –God knows he tried- but he was always too weak, too slow, too little of everything to beat the arrogant Espada. It tore him up inside and made him hate himself, not just because he wanted -needed- to kill him to save Renji and Rukia and everyone else, not just because he was weak…
Because of the undeniable attraction he felt towards the Espada.
Grimmjaw was extremely, undeniably attractive, and he looked even better painted with blood that was most often drawn from Ichigo's blade. This, in itself, was a motivation that made Ichigo want to tear him up, and it made him feel dirty and sick.
He didn't need more guilt, not now.
Things seemed to explode when Inoue was kidnapped. Ichigo watched with hidden relief at Renji's unmistakable anger, fuelled by Rukia's numerous injuries. Anger that was fed by the fact that the Sexta Espada had taken part in the events that had led to it.
Inoue, traveling back to the human world from Soul Society with Rukia, had been accosted by Ulquiorra. Ulquiorra had promptly 'disabled' Rukia and kidnapped Orihime, leaving Rukia bleeding and broken. She had almost died from her injuries and was kept in the fourth division's ICU for many days before stabilizing.
What angered Renji, Ichigo knew, was the fact that he should –was supposed to have been with Rukia and Inoue. But hearing that the Sexta Espada was on Earth, he had traveled ahead and left them behind, eager to see the Espada. He would probably regret it for a very long time, even as Rukia's injuries healed and the scars faded. Needless to say, his relationship with Grimmjaw was instantly terminated.
Ichigo couldn't decide if he was relieved or angry. The guilt pressed down on his soul even more.
His mind whirled as Grimmjaw pressed his against the wall, his body hot and hard against Ichigo's. "I know," he whispered roughly into Ichigo's ear. "Did you think all those times I was fucking that boy, that I did not know you were there?" Ichigo moans as Grimmjaw grinds his hips against him. "Did you enjoy the show?"
Ichigo opens his mouth to protest, and almost chokes when a tongue is shoved roughly down his throat. Hands all over his body, scratching and feeling, leaving red trails in their wake.
But when a hand strays down too far, he snaps. He grabs the Espada's throat and pushes him off.
"No," he rasps, aware that it all is a lie. But he will not –he will not- make the same mistake as Renji.
Grimmjaw grins –leers- through bloodied lips, and Ichigo finds himself wondering if he caused that. "Whatever you say, shinigami," he says, and all Ichigo can hear is the blood pounding through his veins as he attacks and attacks the Espada, pushing all other thoughts out of his mind while cruel laughter rang in his ears.
He jerked himself off that night, painfully hard after the fight. All he could think off was the man's lips against his own and the callused hands straying over his body.
Aibou, the hollow whispered playfully in his head. Aibou, aibou. What have you done to yourself?
Shut up.
He gasped as he jerked on himself, felt the hot liquid spurt on his hand as he saw icy eyes and cerulean hair flash behind his eyelids.
Aibou, the hollow whispered playfully, slyly, teasingly. You are so fucked up. Dreaming of the man who help kidnap your best friend and almost killed another, dreaming of the man who screwed your best friend-
Shut up!
Aibou, aibou, aibou, the hollow sighed, his teeth gleaming white. You should just die.
The words stayed in his head.
You should just die.
For what he was thinking, maybe he should. But he couldn't die yet. Somewhere inside the white fortress ahead of them, far away over the gleaming ivory sands, Inoue was waiting. He could feel Renji tensing beside him; feel Rukia's fierce determination.
Somewhere out there, a person with blue hair and cerulean eyes was waiting, a maniacal smile on his face.
A.N- Obviously, I have manipulated parts of the story. Rukia did not follow Inoue back to Karakura during the Espada siege, she went separately. The idea is that Renji, Rukia and Orihime were all in Soul Society, but when Renji heard of the attack he rushed ahead and left the both of them behind to be K.O'd by Ulquiorra.
Review, please. Should I continue this?