A.N.: Fic made inmediately after watchin Merry Little Christmas. Of course it has spoilers from it. Enjoy, and sorry for the translation mistakes!
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Merry Christmas
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Congratulations. You made it. You'd come back to the miserable life of always. You obtained your drugs at last; the pain on your leg has finally gone down. But it's Christmas and you are alone. You know that it's your fault. A bit earlier you had had the chance to have some company for that night; Wilson had offered it to you. But you rejected and went away. You choose pills over people, you even mocked.
Now, while you are disking your parents telephone number, you feel that your heart twist with the loneliness oppression. The answering machine answers you, your parents are gone. They leave their son alone in Christmas. What were you expecting? If it was you who pushed them away. It is because a part of you wish to be part of a family, be able to enjoy and appreciate –even when you insult on your inside –the family quarrels about who was the one who forgot to buy the pastry without raisins. However, you always turned down that, and instead, you find yourself trying to drown your sorrows in alcohol and drugs. But they know how to swim and you know that the only way to put them to sleep is when you finally loose conscience. That's why you aren't worry about the dangerous mix that you are doing.
'Just wanted to say Merry Christmas' you say and you come one drink closer to faint.
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All that you wanted was to help him. But you constantly see your best friend sink into misfortune. Every time you try to do something to make things better, makes that everything steps back. The guilt hasn't left you alone since you said that you were going to testify against him. You know that it's reasonable, the logic step, you did the right thing, but then why are you feeling so bad? When the moment comes that you aren't able to continue arguing with your inner voice that tells you that you betrayed him, you speak with Tritter. He threatens you with putting you in jail. You argue that it doesn't matter, sadistically better you than House, but inside yourself you know that statistics aren't so important. Maybe is that hero complex that you have, but you prefer to ruin your life if you can save him. What's more, you would like to give at all if in you could save from himself.
Then you offer him to spend the night together in a lame try to rescue him from the pills. He turns you down, but you are not surprise. You know that you are back to the same place of always. You're back again at a side, in the desperate role of the friend that can't do anything. You hate that place, it's like trying to retain water with the bare hands, it's in vane and distressing, and in spite of all you can't move from where you are. You know inside of you that you will be there until the end, because you need him. Because without matter what he is your friend and even when you aren't able to understand how but you need him desperately. And despite that there's nothing that you can do, you'll stay at his side, wishing in vane that one day he will be safe.
You phone him and he does pick it up, so you decide to go there and check how thing are. You find him lying on the floor, you get scared but at the same time you know that it was a false alarm. You see the medicine can. You confirm that he is sinking himself beyond salvation. You feel that your strengths aren't enough, that you won't be able to go on like this for much longer. You give up, even when it's only momentarily and leave the place. You aren't inexhaustible.
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You wake up in puddle of your own puke. What you've done had the desired effect. But you see in the resigned eyes of your friend the miserable of your life. Because you are alone. He leaves trough the door of your apartment, leaving you in the nest of bitterness that you created. Maybe that's what makes you wish for a change, to look an end to the loneliness that you imposed to yourself.
That's why you go to met Tritter and accept the deal. In rehab maybe you'll find that opportunity to change, the final turn to the page that means the end to a chapter. But then the deal was over, you find out that somebody has already turn over the page while you were busy trying to find some Vicodin and feel sorry for your pain. The chapter has ended and another one started that only has more of the same miserable life, you left another chance to pass by. Now you are facing the consequences of your stubbornness and foolishness. Your life is about to go trough the drain and what before didn't seem so bad, seems terrible. It's because before you hadn't dream of anything else. You built the bars of this prison and now that you want to escape from it, you don't know how. Once more you shape you own destiny and in this moment that you are watching it you don't like it. But you haven't got none to blame, because in no-man's land there is none to blame. Congratulations. You made it. Merry Christmas.
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A.N.: I just wanted to express with this the emotions that I felt that pass trough during this episode end. Hope you liked it!
Comment!! XP