AN: I've never played Touhou Project in my entire life, but I've read a couple of pretty good fanfics recently and felt particularly inspired after watching PewDiePie play Skate 3… not a crossover, but inspired by the internet, and I own nothing except for all of teh derp. The derp is mine.
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The Forest of Magic was an impressive expanse of trees. It contained numerous youkai and Alice Margatroid, the Seven Colored Puppeteer made her home here. Possibly because she valued silence and the lack of intelligent species in the forest made it so she was not distracted.
Regardless of doing whatever in her power to keep her sanctuary undisturbed, her concentration was broken as a panicked scream was heard outside. Sighing, she sat up from her workstation and walked outside to see what the issue was.
To her, it appeared that some youkai was trying to fly for the first time and had failed horribly, as she saw a rapidly descending figure. She couldn't make out much detail but she obviously saw the whoever it was were waving their arms in the air as it fell, possibly hoping that it would slow them down. She continued watching the figure with an almost disinterested gaze, she wasn't too worried about the person hurting themselves when they hit the ground, as youkai were made of tougher stuff than humans and could live through damage that would kill a normal human.
Shanghai joined her outside as the figure fell closer to her yard and she was then able to make out more details. The youkai appeared to be male and looked extremely human (if a little large), in fact she didn't see anything that made whoever he was look non-human at all. He also appeared to be wearing outsider clothing, something that not many people did in Gensokyo did, as the clothes could only be bought at Rinnosuke's store. The only people who wore such clothing were the Outsiders that Yukari gapped in with decreasing frequency.
Yukari gapped in outsiders to particularly embarrassing situations so they could make everything more awkward at the expense of Reimu, then she usually gapped them back home without further incident. This person appeared to be an outsider, but he was falling through the air and Yukari wouldn't be irresponsible enough to gap a human in midair and kill them without reason right? Right…
"Goddamnit Yukari!" Alice cussed out before she darted forward, hoping to catch the man before he hit the ground. As Alice got closer she realized she wouldn't make it, despite her flying at top speed. Still pushing forward she got close enough to brush her fingertips against his arm and for a moment she thought she thought she had managed to catch him. Then reality and physics both reared their ugly heads.
*CRUNCH*
Alice stood above the corpse and felt troubled. The death of this man wasn't truly what was bothering her however. What bothered her was that it appeared that Yukari had killed this man without reason nor provocation, and that was an indicator of problems to come stemming from the gap Youkai. Sighing, Alice observed the fallen man in greater detail, if only for curiosity's sake.
She flipped him over so she could see him better. Alice could say without a shadow of a doubt that this was the ugliest person she had seen in her entirely life. He was tall, easily over six feet and easily the largest human she had seen or even heard of,, the size of an oni at least, he was muscular but had just enough fat on his body to give him a lumpy appearance. His skin looked borderline yellow and appeared to have an unhealthy pallor to it. He was wearing outsider clothes obviously, but specifically they appeared to be a sweat stained "tank top" and a pair of brown shorts held up by a frayed piece of rope. The man's face was at least vaguely normal, but his brown hair appeared as if it was cut unevenly. She then noticed that the man had died had died with a smile on his face and that his lower left canine was much longer and sharper than was normal.
Satisfied that she had seen all that she was going to see she clapped her hands together and started whispering a quick prayer for the dead that she had heard sometime in her past. Just as she finished however she heard a rustling noise and opened her eyes and stood amazed. The man had rolled over onto his stomach and was picking himself up as if nothing was wrong!
He steadily got to his feet and looked around, seemingly not noticing Alice even though she was standing next to him. Observing all of the trees he spoke aloud, "If this is Canada, I'm hoping there are more mutant meeces than this."
Numbly Alice replied "This isn't Canada, this is Gensokyo. What's a meece?"
He turned to face her and looked down, because of the difference in height. "You know. One moose, many meeces. I'm Bob by the way. I do tricks!" He said the last part with extra enthusiasm, as if he was trying to impress her.
"I'm Alice Magatroid… Are you okay?" Alice asked.
Bob got a confused expression on his face. "Did you forget already? I'm not okay. I'm Bob! Maybe we should take you to a doctor. You might have drian bamage. Hitting your head can cause that you know."
Alice realised that there was more to Bob than met the eye and that she should take him to Reimu. It didn't look like she could ask Bob directly what was going on, because with only three sentences being spoken by him, she realized that he was the stupidest person she had ever talked to. Including Cirno! This whole business stunk of meddling… Alice made a disgusted look. It also stunk of Bob.
"I'm okay Bob. You appear to be new here. Would you like to meet a friend of mine that can explain everything to you? Maybe even help you?"
Bob smiled and nodded his head. "I'd like that. Maybe she can help me find my skateboard!"
"What's a skateboard?" Alice asked.
"It's a flat wooden plank with two sets of moving wheels attached to it that I stand on and push with my feets to move and do tricks. It has my name on it. You can't miss it."
Nodding her head Alice motioned for Bob to follow her and she began walking. Momentarily, she heard uneven footsteps following her that she assumed belonged to Bob.
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"...and no matter how many times I jumped over the shark, people never seemed to be impressed. Then it hit me!" Bob's retelling of an attempt of his to gain attention was briefly interrupted as he hit another tree branch, but he shook it off and continued talking, "I needed to kill and eat it's heart to gain it's courage. It's delicious juicy courage. With that I would be loved for sure. So I thought about finding a bunch of people and beating their brains out and rubbing it in the shark statue to bring it to life. Then I remembered that I don't know any magic so I didn't try that. Long penis short, it didn't work. And that's why I don't smoke."
Extremely satisfied with his story Bob continued walking after Alice, allowing her to gather her thoughts. Bob's story was mainly nonsense but it allowed Alice to voice what had been bothering her.
"Bob, we've been walking silently, and out of nowhere you say that. Are you okay?"
"It's fine. Sometimes I just get thinking and talking mixed up. I was making up a story to impress people! My next story is probably going to be about the time I wore women's underwear and posed sexily. Do you want to hear it?"
The thought of Bob wearing a bra and panties caused Alice to shudder and she firmly declined.
"Your loss then."
Alice continued walking thinking about what excuse she was going to say so that she could leave Bob with Reimu and never see him again.
Deep in thought, Alice almost missed the exclamation behind her.
"Eye'm the Strongest!"
It was Cirno, the now second dumbest individual in Gensokyo, had arrived. The fairy had immediately spotted Bob and flew right up in his face. Bob on his part looked shocked, not because there was a little girl flying in front of him though (he had seen plenty of fairies after eating all of those mushrooms). Bob was shocked because Cirno was carrying his skateboard. So Bob decided to use an old tactic of his and point out the obvious.
Bob pointed at Cirno. "You're holding my skateboard. Give it back."
Cirno responded, "No! It's mine! It fell out of the sky and eye found it first! Eye am the strongest and I make the rules!"
Bob's eyes nearly bugged out of his head. He was standing in front of the Strongest! There was only one thing left to do.
Bob quickly got down on his knees in front Cirno and started bowing in front of her. "Please forgive me missus the Strongest! I'm weak and squishy. Please don't hurt me!"
Cirno's chest puffed out in pride. This smelly man realized she was the Strongest! She laughed quickly and smiled down at Bob. "There is no need to fear! Cause eye am merc - mercafy - gentle to people who see me as eye truly am. The Strongest!"
Bob bowed so low his head was touching the forest floor. "Forgive my impa - impu - unsmartness, but I ask that you recognize that skateboard as mine! I only own two things ma'am. My belt, and that skateboard! I know that skateboard is mine because it has my name on it! My name is Bob!" Cirno quickly checked and the word Bob was childishly written on the bottom of the plank with wheels she was holding. "I'd do anything to have that skateboard back! Please return it to me!"
Cirno stroked her chin, deep in her thoughts as her mind would allow, and snapped her fingers when she got an idea. "Okay. I'll give it back to you on one condition!"
"Please don't make me lick my elbow! I can't do it without breaking my arm to the left, and it kinda hurts and makes it hard to give a thumbs up. Like this." Bob attempted to imitate Might Guy.
Cirno clapped her hands. "Good job. +10 to reference!"
Bob pulled out a piece of paper and scribbled on it quickly with a pencil Alice observed. Further observation proved it was her pencil that was in her pocket and she really didn't want to know how Bob had gotten it.
Proudly, Bob presented the paper to Cirno, who quickly read it and folded up. She smiled and gave the skateboard back to Bob. "Thanks for the character sheet!" She flew away and Bob waved as she left.
Alice almost didn't believe her ears. What she just heard was total nonsense. Even by Cirno's standards. Something here smelled fishy, and it was definately Bob.
Taking a breath to calm herself she asked the jaundiced man, "Bob, how did you do that?"
Bob looked around surprised until he remembered that Alice was there. "Well Missus Samus Aran." Bob made some hand gestures. "It's because of who I is I thinks."
"What exactly is that exactly Bob?"
Bob squealed and ran around the small clearing they were in until he found a suitable place, then he flopped down and turned to face Alice. "Story time! Get over here!"
Once she was suitable seated Bob began speaking.
"My very first memory… It's jumping into a fire to warm up. My next memory is jumping off the cliff to see if flapping my arms can make me fly like the birds. After that my next memory is being sure that the scorpion wasn't too poisonous. After that it's forgetting that I'm not a fish and that I drown real easy like. After that…" Bob continued telling Alice numerous memories of his, all of which seemed to be yet another memory of him dying in some idiotic fashion. "... and it turns out that some fluffy things are deadly, and it tore my throat out. Eventually, all of my memories began to blend together, and everything started happening at once! This was big, you know what I mean?"
Alice didn't understand what he was saying, but nodded her head anyways to get him to continue talking.
"I started being where I actually was but I was also everywhere else I was! I didn't know what it meant at first, then I met the Slaughter Doctor, or as his friends call him, Nigel Burke. He explained to me so it made sense. I was like those giant blue monkey people or that bald kid with the arrow tattoos. An avatar or an incarnation of something that defines people on a base level."
"What, exactly, is that Bob?" Alice asked, wondering what single trait that everybody had that could give birth to Bob.
"Stupidity!"
Alice swore she heard crickets chirping as her mind processed Bob's ramblings into cognitive thought. The collective amounts of stupidity that every person posses gradually over the years gave birth to some youkai like Bob that was the incarnation of that facet of people's personality, and whenever someone did something dumb or not smart then Bob seemed to become stronger. It seemed that right now he was near invincible as it was. Thankfully he seemed rather gentle and mild mannered so she was thankful that there wasn't some uber powerful invincible creature causing incidents. That did leave her original question however.
"How did you get Cirno to give back your skateboard Bob?"
Bob stopped spinning on his head to answer. "Momentum. Zubaz told me about it. Once something starts moving it isn't hard to make it keep on moving and I used a trick to make the unsmartness of Cirno to move in a direction I wanted. Problem with my Dumb Momentum skill is that when I use it on the brainy bits in people they can shake it off real good like." Bob resumed spinning on his head.
"Dumb Momentum?"
"Mr. Moneybags said that an object in motion stays in motion until something makes it not in lotion… Sorry, I usually forget the last part, which lets me keep moving or not get hurt if I forget that it is supposed to."
"That sounds useful for danmaku." Alice whispered under her breath. Bob heard her though.
"U doo danmaku?" Bob said standing up to his full height with a dumb smile on his face.
"You know what danmaku is?"
"Yup. Me and all of my buddies saw it in a videogame and tried it out. I lose a lot, but I can do the bullet curtain like no one's business. I even turned some giant index cards into some Spell Cards. U wana MAk3 8U113T?"
"... Are you challenging me?"
Bob's response was to stand on his skateboard and to Alice's surprise he started floating up on the air. Alice was not one to back down from a challenge from the stupidity youkai as she began calling Bob and floated up as well. Bob's smile threatened to break his face and he held up a spell card to start the fight.
SKate Sign: Coffin
Spheres of brown energy appeared to Alice's left and right, restricting her movements in those directions, and waves of energy came at her in a linear fashion. The best way Alice would later describe it is that instead of fighting on the x-axis, this spell card fought on the y-axis. It was highly unusual, and honestly a bit of a challenge, not because Bob's firing pattern was complicated, but because the energy in front of her stopped her from seeing what the entire pattern was that Bob was firing and made it more difficult to dodge. Once she figured it out and began dodging successfully she used the Benevolent French Dolls and hit Bob enough for his Spell Card to break.
Bob laughed it off and held up another one of his spell cards. "This is the last card I want to use! It's a wee bit harder!"
Dumb Momentum: I Love Benches
What appeared to be spectral brown park benches appeared around Alice in a near cube shape. Bob began firing a danmaku pattern and the "benches" would swoop in every few seconds and Alice scrambled to evade the much more complex pattern Bob was using and the "benches". True to Bob's word, her danmaku didn't deem to be doing much damage at all to him. It seemed that Bob soon forgot he wasn't invincible however and all the damage he had previously shrugged off struck at once and his card broke and he fell to the ground. Much to Alice's amusement he was posed ramrod straight and spinning towards the ground all the while screaming "Bob's Spinning Attack Of Justice!" or some other nonsense.
As she floated to the ground she saw that Bob appeared to be speaking to another odd looking person. It appeared to be a tall pale human with orange hair and a red shirt. The design on the back of his shirt appeared familiar to her somehow. It was a large fiery orange mushroom stylized to look like a skull with the number 20 emblazoned just beneath it.
As she got closer she heard the man say to Bob "... and that is what Christmas at ground Zero is like. Now the real question I wanna ask you Bob old buddy old pal. Are you game?"
Alice was close enough to see Bob's face pale slightly when he said that. "You can't do that McPixel! I think people live on this landmass. If you blow it up it will be bad!"
Alice felt a brief wave of panic wash over her as the man turned to face her and saw the disturbed smile on his face as his strange square pupils looked right through her.
"Will it Blow?" He asked innocently reaching into his pockets.
Alice suddenly remembered what the design on his back was. A nuclear explosion left behind a mushroom cloud like that. The lit dynamite that he was throwing at her reinforced the idea that he liked explosions. This day seemed to get much more interesting.
[Avatar of Stupidity: Bob] has arrived!
A new challenger [?McPixel?] as arrived!
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AN: Give me some feedback if you want some changes please. Like attitudes and what not. Also, If you know who they are, Nigel Burke and Zubaz will appear. If you want spoilers for who the big bad will be, your gonna have to wait until the next chapter, where he spends his time worshipping the Helix Fossil.