Queer Eye for the Turtle Guy
PG13 – for some language (yeah Raphael needs to go wash his mouth out with soap) and also for mild adult themes. So yeah not for kiddies, I suggest you go read another fanfic.
Disclaimer: No I don't own the turtles and no I don't think they're at all queer. This about Queer eye the TV show turning up at the Turtles lair. I don't watch queer eye, so I am definitely going to have to do some research by second chapter. I just think it would be interesting what the four turtles and splinter thought if it happened to them. Also queer eye is on Monday nights in Australia – so it's Monday night that Mike is watching the TV. So don't flame me anyone for this. Please read and reply. Now let's what happens when the Ninja Turtles get a visit from queer eye........
Someone made the phone call.
Mike was lying on the couch as usual eating a packet of potatoes chips. He was dead dog tired after the long training session. Splinter always made them train longer on Mondays due to the fact Sunday was such a day of rest in the turtles' lair.
He was flipping the channels when Raph came in, he was bored and he couldn't be seen going to bed at only 8:30pm. He usually stayed up til 10pm or later depending on how he felt.
"Don't you just hate Monday Night tele?" Mikey said, as he flipped the channels.
"I never watch on Monday nights, I'm usually visiting Jenny, but since she's taken her class on school camp, well pointless visiting someone who isn't home hey?"
"Yeas!" Mike replied, finally settling on a station.
Raphael groaned when he saw the opening credits.
"What's this crap?"
"Bro, haven't you ever heard of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy?"
Raph looked blankly at his brother, "Enlighten me. Is it some crap about gay people trying to hit on some straight person?"
"No there are these five guys who are like gay and they go to some straight guy's house and change everything. His hair, his clothes, his furniture and decor, teach him to cook stuff and then usually the straight guy's girlfriend comes in at the end and she's impressed with what they did to her boyfriend."
Raphael laughed, "Man that sounds so dumb! So some loser human rings these pansies to come show them how to impress their girlfriend?"
"No, the girlfriend usually rings the show up."
"What the hell for? If the don't already like the guy's hair and clothes – why stay with him? Also why don't they buy clothes for him and take him to a decent hair dresser? I mean why go on this dumb show for everyone to see what a looser they're dating."
"I know it sounds real dumb. I only like to watch it to laugh at the really dumb things they come up with. Like one week some guy lite all these candles and put them all over the house and garden, then hung thing curtain in the garden and had a Japanese style table behind it. Then the guy went to cook this over the top dinner, including making boxes out of chocolate and putting berries in them then one he put an engagement ring in it."
Raph laughed, "Ha, what if the candle's melted the chocolate! Imagine the chick's face when he hands her a melted blob of chocolate with a ring hidden in it."
"So you won't be doing that for Jenny?" Mikey teased.
"No way! If I gave my women a ring, I'd do it in style, but I know Jen wouldn't like all the candles. She would think it's a waste of time and the earth's resources. So yeah, I can make it romantic without that stupid stuff. Anyways – why did they hang a curtain outside? Don't curtains stay inside, to keep the sun out?"
"Yeah I thought so too, I thin pretty dumb putting curtains up in the back garden. Anyways, want to watch what stupid things they do tonight?" Mikey grinned.
"Yeah sure, never know might be my only laugh I get this week," Raph settled down more on the couch.
"Chip?"
"Cheers", as Raph took some from the bag Mikey held.
Half way through the show, Donetello walked through the room a gadget in hand, as he headed to the kitchen for a drink. His train of thought was interrupted when he heard two extremely loud fits of laugher coming from the couch.
"Hey, Mikey, what's funny?" He knew Mikey was always in front of the TV. He then noticed the other laugh, "Raphael?"
"Yeah what?" Came a voice.
"Donnie, Don Don, you missed the most hilarious thing! This guy had this really long hair and they cut it all off and his girl friend didn't recognise him."
"What are you watching?"
"Crap," Raph replied.
"Is that Queer eye?"
"Yeas."
"Leo! Hey Leo! I think you should know something! Mike and Raph are watching queer eye."
"So what's the problem with that, Donkey boy?"
"The problem is that maybe it's time you told your big brothers about your preference."
"Preference, what preference? Soft crust or pan fried?" Mikey answered.
"Don, you telling me that our younger brothers are gay?"
Before anyone knew it, a Sais was at Don's throat.
"You saying I'm a pansy?" He growled.
"No I am just wondering why you and Mike are watching Queer eye."
"Don? Raph has a girlfriend and I know that both are not gay by the fact of the type of material that they have under their beds."
"I'm not gay! Anyways, Don you're the purple turtle – we all know what purple stands for!"
"Gee, Mike never knew you an expert on what colours mean. Mind you it's not hard to see why Raph's the red turtle, but seriously that don't stand for the rest of us." Leo replied, the Sais had now left Don's throat and was about to get to Leo's when he blocked.
"Raph, see what I mean by being hot headed! I'm digging on Mike, not you."
"Leave Mike alone!"
"Hum... now that also leads one to wonder why you stick up for Mike."
"Because he's not a tosser like you or Leo."
"Look, Don, wouldn't you think we'd know by now if Raph and Mike were gay? They are 21 years old. They have all had girlfriends; we have all had girlfriends and fancied females. Have any of us fancied another male? No, so I suggest we drop the subject. I got better things to do than think they are guy because they watch a show on television. Anyways – how do you know it was called queer eye?"
"Leo, I surf the net, I know what's happening in the world, outside New York City. Maybe you should get on the net sometime and broaden your mind."
"Oh, Don attacking Leo fight! I thought I'd never see the day, did you Raph? Seriously, I wish you hadn't broken that video camera; it would have been fun to have watched over and over and over again. We wouldn't have to worry about Monday night TV again."
"Mike you talk crap," Raph said as he went to his room, he'd had enough of his brother's crap for one night. "Seriously Don's got a nerve to call him and Mike gay." He seethed, as he turned on his radio and opened up his magazine to the page 9 girl. She wasn't as beautiful as Jenny, but she would do for now.
Just as Raph was nodding off to sleep he heard a tap on his door.
"What?" he mumbled, as Mikey walked into the room and sat on Raph's bed.
"Don't let Don see you on my bed, it'll twist his mind even more. I think he spends too much time with his stupid computer."
"Na, I want to tell you a plan of mine to get back at Don for calling us gay."
"Whoa? What you came up with a plan? Since when – you always said that was Leo's department."
"Na, Leo can't know, well not til it happens anyways"
Raph sat up and took note. He liked it when his little brother was up to mischief and confided in him and not the others. He knew that Mikey looked up to him and that Mikey could always rely on Raph when he wanted to sneak off without the others knowing. Like when Mikey sneaks off to see a girl in the middle of the night, it's Raph who knows where he was.
"Well, do tell, your great plan oh great one."
"You see, I kind of made a phone call for Irma. I said my boyfriend was spending too much time with his computer and not enough time sweeping me off my feet, like he used to. You know what Irma is like, she's all feather brained when it comes to romance stuff."
"What's that got to do with Don?"
"Don's her boyfriend."
"Thought they broke up?"
"They're back on again, as of yesterday."
"Gee, you keep track of that on again, off again relationship well. I got bored with it years ago."
"Yeah, well I saw Donnie sneaking in late last night and I asked him why, he said he'd been with Irma and he had lipstick on his beak." Mikey winked at Raph.
Raph laughed, "He, hee, sly dog. So let me get this straight. You rang who saying Irma was upset at Donnie and that Donnie was crap at romancing her?"
"Queer Eye," Mikey's eyes danced in the darkness.
"What?!"
"I rang up Queer eye and said that they really need to come do Donnie. I also said that Donnie's older brother was also in need of a make-over. I kind of told them about Leo needing help too!"
Raphael laughed, "Why Leo?"
"Because he seriously needs to do something more interesting to impress his women then bringing them back here to see him do katas. I mean really, that can't be romantic. Besides, Leo holds the record for the most girlfriends – because he can't seem to keep them long – they get bored with watching his katas."
Raph and Mikey laughed in unison.
"You sly dog Mikey, I never thought you'd do something that crazy! So you think they'll come do two Mutant Turtles like Don and Leo?"
"They don't know they're mutant turtles yet, kind of left that bit out. But wouldn't it be hilarious to see their faces when Carl turns up at the door and wants to teach them to cook, re-paint their rooms in some girly colour and give them a new wardrobe complete with fluffy slippers!" Both rolled off the bed laughing.
"What is this slumber party about?"
"Sorry Sensei! Mikey just came in to tell me a joke. It was really funny! Sorry if we woke you."
"Ya. I suggest Michelangelo sharing jokes with your brother at a more convenient time, such as not at midnight."
"Sorry Sensei, I am going back to my room now," Mikey got up and bowed at Splinter as he ran to his own room. Raphael stood up and bowed and climbed back into bed.
"Good night Sensei."
"Good night, my son. Rest well".
As Mikey would say:
Ohhhhhhhh! Wonder what will happen when the guys from Queer eye turn up on the doorstep of the lair????? How would Don React when he finds out his girlfriend have nominated him for Queer eye? Wonder what Master Splinter would say? Will the guys from queer eye offer to give him a conditioner for his fur?
What will Leo do when he finds out whom really set them up?