"Dude, you're staring again."
Karkat's attention snaps back to reality as soon as I say this. I've caught him looking at me like this a few times before, but it's been happening a lot more lately. "Huh?" It takes a second for him to process what's going on. "Just zoning out. You just happened to be there."
I roll my eyes, being sure to exaggerate it so that he knows it's happening behind my shades. "You always say that. There's no way that I just happen to be there every time. What the hell worms its way into your head whenever you see me?"
"It's not whenever I see you, fucktrumpet."
"Bullshit. Now spill."
He's one of the most stubborn motherfuckers I've ever met- Myself included- so I don't expect him to actually listen. But he glances down at the floor and actually follows directions for once in his life. "What was it like when you went god tier? I'm just curious. Any of our players who did it are dead, and Rose is never lucid enough to give me a straight answer. So you're my only option." If I didn't know any better, I'd say that he looks almost ashamed to ask.
I only stare at him for a few seconds. "What, you mean like the process of it?" He nods. "I dunno, man. It was instantaneous. One minute, I was looking at the tumor as normal dream Dave, the next I was like a pajama-clad time travelling Superman."
He nods again before leaving without a word. He does that. And right now, I couldn't be more glad. Any longer, and I wouldn't have been able to hold myself together in front of him. The moment he's gone, my elbows are on the table, head in my hands. My breaths are heavy, and I'm pretty sure I'm shaking as my heart pounds in my chest. Come on, Strider. Calm down. Pull yourself together, little man. Okay, yeah, that last one didn't help nearly as much as I'd hoped. If anything, it just made it worse. I'm basically overwhelmed with everything. And as I close my eyes, I'm right back in the middle of it again.
Standing on that weird platform which I didn't think about at the time, glancing over at Rose. The timer is in front of us.
0:03
It's going to be over. Finally, after all this time. At least for me, this game- This fucking screwed up game- will be finished.
0:02
I do regret Rose. She should have let me do this on my own. But really, can I blame her? We're in the same boat here. Her- Our?- mom is gone. And even if she doesn't show it, she's devastated. She's at her breaking point. She's probably just as relieved as I am.
0:01
John and Jade will be upset, yeah. But they'll be okay in the end. They'll be able to keep going. But me? I'm done. I'm clockin' out, and I've never been so at peace.
0:00
The peace doesn't last for long. Remember in that piece of shit Twilight movie how the main necrophiliac chick said that death is easy? Well, now I have one more reason to hate that abuse-romanticizing cocksucky series. Because dying isn't easy. I die instantly, but that instant drags out. I can feel my skin burning. I feel myself literally being ripped apart. It can't be more than a second, but in my mind, my still-conscious mind, it last hours.
Finally, everything stops. No pain, no thoughts. Just darkness.
This is over before long, too. All at once, I'm thrown back into consciousness. And this time, I'm not feeling my body being torn apart, but put back together.
Somehow, this is worse.
That's when I realize just what's going on, and I scream as soon as I'm physically able to. "No!" I sound so desperate, so pathetic. "No, you can't do this to me!" I don't even know who I'm talking to. Or if I'm actually talking to anyone. "I blew myself up, I'm supposed to be dead!" There are tears streaming down my face, which I don't bother to wipe away. "Fuck god tier, I don't want immortality!" The very word makes me want to throw up. "Don't make me do this anymore! Please!" By this point, I'm all in one piece and dressed in what would become my signature Knight of Time garb. But it's not over yet. Every cell in my body is adjusting, contorting into something else. And I'm aware of it all.
There are screams in the distance, which I recognize to be Rose. She's talking too, begging for it to stop. But I can't see her. For all intensive purposes, I'm alone. She must hear me, but right now, my stoic facade doesn't mean shit. I just want it to stop. I want it all to just stop. I never even wanted to play this damn game, Egbert practically forced me. And I'm cursing him for doing this to me. Saying it's his fault, that I hate him. I don't mean any of it, of course. He didn't know what he was getting us into, that any of this would happen. But in the agony, I feel the need to blame someone, and I've already maxed out my self-loathing level more times than I can count. "Can you fucking hear me?!" Have I been yelling this whole time?" "I lost! It's over! Please, let me die!" I try to imagine Bro there with me, telling me to stand up and face it like a man, to be the badass motherfucker he raised me to be. But no, he's dead. He's dead, and it's my fault. And if I do get forced into god tier, I'm not going to be able to see him again unless I either betray my friends to the point where they have to kill me, or do the impossible and become a hero. I'm not even sure if I believe in any kind of afterlife. But if I survive, I'm not going to be able to find out either way. I sound completely broken as I scream one more time. One last plea. "Just let me go…!"
Suddenly, the blinding light is gone. I'm in the air, and there's someone next to me. Rose looks down at herself, apparently confused about how she got into her new orange and yellow clothes.
She doesn't remember a thing.
I guess because it's so traumatic, most people black out. They think it just happens, that there's not much to it. But me? I don't have that luxury. So as I sit here, recovering from Karkat's question, I remember every second of my ascension in excruciating detail as though it's happening again right now. But I'll never tell them. I don't want them to worry about me. They don't need to be concerned about my flashbacks, or how everything reminds me of it, or that my shades now hide not just my freakish eyes, but the dark circles beneath them. And even if they wouldn't flip a tit if they found out, I don't want to end up triggering anything to make Rose remember, or John and Jade when we eventually meet up again. It could break them. So I won't tell anyone. I'll be fine.
Striders are always fine.