Golden Years
by Aki Midori
Woven lives were sealed with silver bands. In the prime of their life, two souls look back and realize that the years spent with loved ones outshone and out-worthed any other moment, every other victory. The years were precious... like gold. Last input to Woven Bracelets and Silver Rings.
Dedicated to al those who asked for a final sequel. When I wrote Woven Bracelets, I never expected that it would be such a precious work. People loved it, and I'm glad they took time to tell me so. Because the ending is so poignant and painful, people asked for a sequel, and, thankfully, Silver Rings lived up to their expectations.
Now, I present to you the final input to these stories. May this story touch your hearts the way those two others did.
I never planned for it to be a trilogy. It is, now, though. Thanks to all of you.
Warnings: Shounen ai theme.
diScLaImerS: Sendoh Akira, Rukawa Kaede, and all the other characters mentioned in this story, save for a few, are property of Inoue Takehiko. New people and new names came from the author's overactive imagination. The lullaby was from the motion picture 'The Prince of Egypt'.
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Golden Years
"Tell me again, Smiley."
"Tell you what again?"
"Your story."
"But you've heard it hundreds of times already!"
"You exagerrate. And don't deny me! I'm an old man, and I'm going to die soon. Grant this genius his request."
"Very well. But let me get you a quilt. It's getting chilly by the moment, and we can't have you exposed to the cold air for a damn long time."
Hanamichi merely grunted as I slowly, painfully, stood up from my rocking chair and left the porch to get him a thick quilt. It's funny how I ended up living the last years of my life in the same house as my beloved's nemesis, Sakuragi Hanamichi. But looking back, even my koi never minded that much. In fact, he took Hanamichi in without a second thought. Life has been lonely for our friend since he lost his love many years ago. Haruko had a weak heart, and she couldn't have made it this long.
His time's nearing too. A few years ago, we just found out that he has lung cancer. He only has a few more years to live. Months, days, minutes... it doesn't really matter. We're old. We've lived our life to the fullest. Him with Haruko, and me... me with my darling Kaede. We're all gonna die, sooner or later. Just so happens that Hana's gonna die sooner. Either way, whether or not he dies before me we don't have any regrets. We lived and loved, and that's what matters most.
I passed by my workroom, and saw my ancient laptop. I can't help but smile. That worn-out laptop witnessed the comings and goings of my days. It contained my heart itself. My dreams unfolded in this very thing. My love was nurtured in its deepest chips. Many years ago, secrets were kept in this laptop. Secrets of unrequited love and painful longings. Letters were written, kept in a hidden folder. Letters which contained my messages to the only man I've ever loved- the only man I'll ever love.
Laptops are frail things, but this one held on. For so many times, it was upgraded and reformatted, just because I couldn't let it go. It's too important to me. It was where Kaede first told me of his feelings. His letter, written on the 7th of November, so many years ago.
The soft light of the room fell on my ring, causing a dull shimmer. My silver ring. My woven bracelet. Still with me, throughout the years. The bracelet is so worn-out and thin, it could just wither any minute, but like the laptop, it held on. It wasn't because of the quality, but because of its worth. It seemed to have a life of its own... holding on. Those two colors held on to each other, through thick and thin, storm and sunshine, smiles and tears. It's frail and old, just like the woven lives which it represented.
But it's still holding on.
And the ring. A symbol of eternity... symbol of the place where me and my Kaede will go to. Have been into. A place where me and my Kaede are in, right at this very moment. A place called forever.
"Smiley!" Hanamichi called out. I shook my head and laughed. Age didn't take away the power in his voice. It might be rough and raspy, but still powerful. Hanamichi's going to die a powerful and dynamic man.
"I'm coming!" I called out to him. I bundled the quilt in my arms, took one last glance at my laptop and slowly walked over towards the family friend.
"Took you long enough," he snapped as I placed the quilt on his stiff legs. "Where's Kaede?"
Pain tugged at my heart. My friend is so sick, not only with cancer, but also with-
No. I'm not gonna say it, not even in my thoughts. Hanamichi had once pleaded to me and Kaede never to mention that his memory is faltering. Hana's scared of it. He's scared of forgetting how wonderful his life has been. He's scared of losing all his memory- good and bad. He couldn't bear forget his dear Haruko. Kaede and I respected him too much to deny him that simple request.
"The kitsune, Smiley!" Hanamichi demanded. "I want the kitsune here! It's better when the two of you are the ones telling me the story. You always forget to mention important things. Kaede has better memory. Now go call your husband and tell him to sit at his chair!"
I looked at the chair which Kaede usually occupies when the three of us wanted to spend some time watching the day end. It's always a wonderful spectacle- day giving in to night. Sun giving way for the moon. The cycle goes on and on forever. During those times, we would do our favorite past time. Talk our hearts out.
"You forgot. Kaede's resting," I said softly as I myself sat down on my own chair. "He deserved his rest. Sometimes, even though life is so good- has been good to us- the mere act of living itself is so tiring."
"Hmp," Hanamichi snorted. "True. But wait till I get my hands on him after this. I'm going to strangle that sleepy kitsune in his own bed."
I laughed. "That's my bed, too, you know."
"Well then, I'm going to strangle you both," Hanamichi stated with finality. "And stop laughing or I'll make sure you die before I do."
"Yes, yes. I'm sorry," I said. The smile left my face, though, when I realized what came out of his mouth. "Hana, you talk about your death too lightly. Aren't you even scared of it? You talk as if it's the most natural thing in the world."
Hana's adamant look turned so serious, my heart ached for my friend. "I'm not scared anymore, Akira. You said it yourself. Life is beautiful, but sometimes, it's just too tiring. Quite honestly, I'm tired of living, knowing that any moment, my body would give up on me. I figured it's time to accept the fact that it's time for me to go... be with my Haruko once again. Besides, it hurt too much to live, you know. It's getting harder to breathe. It's getting harder to fight for my precious memories."
If there's one man who can fight this terrible illness, it's Hanamichi. For so long, he fought and held on to those memories. Those were too precious, he always tells me and my Kaede. But it's just too painful for us that sometimes, no matter how hard he fought, he loses.
"Death has always been painful, especially to those who are left behind," I found myself whispering.
"I'm old," Hanamichi whispered in an ached voice. "My life has been great. So many victories, so many losses. So many laughters, so many tears. Many moments to remember, some forgotten. I guess by this time, I'm free to say that all my seventy-six years are worth it. From the first time I opened my eyes, first time I landed a punch, first time I held a ball, first time I won, first time I was loved in return- up until now, until this very moment, in this very place... it's all worth it. We're old, and we've lived our lives the way we wanted it to be lived- the way it ought to be lived. We all have to go, sooner or later."
"My sentiments, exactly."
Hanamichi forced that pained look off his face and gave me his trademark cheeky grin. "Oi. Life wouldn't be so sad without this tensai. I mean, I know I'm so important to you, friend, but hey, I gotta go see my Haruko some time, ne?"
I gave him a geniune smile and a jab on his shoulder. "Yeah, whatever you say, old man."
Hana snorted. "Sheesh. You're the one to talk. You're older than me, and you look like a prune."
"A handsome prune," I pointed out.
"Yarou!" Hanamichi growled. Yeah. Dynamic as ever. Dying man... I could have been fooled. "Ch', why don't you just get on with the story? Make yourself useful to this dying man."
I gave him a smile and closed my eyes. Once again, I would tell him the story... about two woven lives. About the promise sealed by the silver bands.
It was the story which unfolded as the years passed.
Those very precious years... same years which Hanamichi is trying to hold on to. Same years, I kept very dear in my heart. Solid years... golden years.
Right at this very moment, I'm seventy-seven no more. Once again... I'm twenty-five, and the date is the seventh of November...
******
Slowly, agonizingly, I opened my eyes. Everything's so blur and I feel so heavy. I can't even lift my fingers. I've slept for so long- spent so long a time being surrounded by darkness, and now that I've opened my eyes, as heavy as I seem to be, my heart felt so much lighter.
I'm alive.
That sole realization could have knocked me off my feet, if I wasn't lying on my bed. I'm alive. Up until this very moment, I haven't realized how precious life can be. I could be gone in an instant, a snap of the Creator's fingers. I realize now that I could have died, knowing in my heart that I left so many things undone, so many words unsaid, and a single heart unhealed.
Right here in my bed, I vow, at this very moment, that from this day on, I would live my life, as if tomorrow I would die. I would do today the things that should be done today, for tomorrow, I may not be able to do it at all.
"Ka-ede," I called out, rather weakly.
The thumps of my heart echoes the thumps of his feet. Suddenly, Kaede, my best friend, my love, my life- was standing at the door. Tears were falling down his face, and for a moment, I caught a glimpse of silver falling against the carpet as he whispered my name. I never gave those much thought, though.
My eyes bore into his as tears fell from my own eyes. I gave him a smile, to tell him that I'm real. I'm awake, and I plan to spend the rest of my life with him.
His feet seemed to weigh a ton, because he walked towards my bed in such slow, careful steps. My heart went wild against my chest. I couldn't bear it anymore. I need to hold my Kaede. Though it requires much strength, which, at the moment, I don't have, I lifted my arms in invitation. I want to hold him, feel him against me to remind myself that this is real. That I'm alive.
"Akira," he whispered again. He didn't go into my arms. Instead, he sat by my bed and slowly traced my face with his fingers. My hair, my eyes, my tears, my nose, my lips. He traced his fingers all over my face, all the while crying himself. "Akira," he choked out. "Akira."
I found myself tracing his own face as well. My heart swelled with so much love, as my fingers traced his features with such tenderness. I've dreamt of doing this for so long. I'm alive, and I could do this everyday for the rest of my life.
Suddenly, I couldn't take it anymore. I want his arms wrapped around me. I want to revel in his warmth, feel his breath, hold his body. I want him to hold me and never let me go.
As if reading my thoughts, a pair of strong- yet trembling- arms yanked me off the bed and threw me against his tight embrace. And he started to sob and let his anguish out.
"Akira, I thought I lost you," he rasped out. He ran his hands all over my hair, all over my face, all over my back. All I could feel were his tears merging with mine, and his warmth engulfing me whole. "It's so painful. Day and night, I waited. I hoped, I dreamed. I prayed. It's been so very long. I-"
He trailed off when he couldn't control his sobs much longer. He just held me tight for the longest of moments, while I myself held him in my arms. I was crying myself, though I'm happy that I'm alive. I just can't stop the tears from falling, can't stop the sobs from escaping.
We've been through a lot, and we can't help but cry over it all. All the pain, the sorrow, the anguish. All of it... it's too much. We're just humans, as frail and vulnerable as everybody else. We long to love- and be loved and return, but what we receive is pain instead. And now, we almost lost each other again, and this time, we might have been separated together- by death. It's too much for us. We could only take so much pain.
But as much as it were tears of anguish, it were tears of victory as well.
We've been through a lot, but here we are. Alive. Holding each other. Together.
Nothing else matters.
******
"You two must have drowned in your own tears," Hana remarked. He said that to tease me, but I could see him trying to blink back his tears. "I remember how miserable kitsune was during that time. Heck, me and my koi almost had to pull him up every time his faith faltered. You were out for four months! We thought you weren't going to make it."
I unashamedly wipe the tears from my eyes and smiled at him. "But I did. And I learned something very important during that time."
"What is it?"
"Oh you know it, already," I teased. "You've heard this story many times before, and Kaede has better words."
"Heh. Kitsune's sleeping, so you'll do for the moment. Anyway, humor the poor, sick man. I just want to hear it all over again! It's a good bedtime story. What did you find out?"
Painful, really, that Hanamichi was pretending that he just wanted to hear the story all over again, when in truth, he was adamant to know the whole of it because he'd already forgotten. It's his damned pride.
"I found out that life is so very frail," I said softly, pouring my heart into my words. "We could die any moment, so we have to do what we must. There is no more time to do things tomorrow, for tomorrow may not arrive. The sun would still shine, but even so, you could stop breathing. And the world would still turn, and life would go on. And it's a painful thing- leaving things left undone. Once, I told myself to hold my feelings in because I thought we have all the time in the world. I wouldn't want to rush him. That very night, my life was almost stolen away from me. Yes. Life is so frail. And sometimes, fate, so cruel."
All was silent for a moment, as we watched the sun slowly sink. Orange slowly gave way to velvet blue. Sun hid, and the moon came.
"I remember I realized one thing too, while I was witnessing your sorrowful days," Hana said, breaking the silence between us.
"Yeah, what is it?"
"Life may be fleeting, but love is eternal," Hana whispered. I tore my gaze away from the twinkling stars and studied the old, dying, but strong man beside me. He never took his eyes off the sky as he continued. "Kaede knew in his heart that he could lose you any moment, but I know- and he knew it, too- that even though you died, he would have loved you forever.
"I realized that when I was watching him watch over you... but I felt the reality of it when my Haruko left me. At first I was hurt... too deeply hurt. I just had a family with her, and then she has to go. But I realized then that though she would not be beside me in form, she would forever be with me in spirit. I could never love that way again. Up until now, my love for her burns so brightly, sometimes, it hurts."
"I understand," I whispered, once again staring at the sky.
"The stars are glittering tonight. Brighter than usual," Hanamichi pointed out. "Which reminds me of your silver rings. What happened next, then? How did you two get together? You proposed, or was it the other way around?"
At that, I had to laugh. That part of the story was so funny, it still cracks me up whenever I think about it.
It was the seventeenth of November, ten days after I woke up. Back then, I didn't know about the silver rings.
******
Today. I'm going to tell him today. I'm going to propose to him, ask him- no- tell him to marry me! And if he says no, then by god, I'm going to scream and throw a tantrum like a toddler deprived of ice cream.
Now. I'm going to tell him /now/. I couldn't wait much longer. He's right next door, dressing up for basketball practice. Probably naked, as of this moment. Pale, glowing skin. Long, lean body. Tight, plush ar-
Dammit, Sendoh Akira, for once in your life, stop being such a pervert! You're going to propose to the man, not rape him! Okay... breathe. Yes. Relax.
OhbutIcan'trelaxbecauseIhaven'treallytoldhimhowIfeelforhimyet!
Seize the moment, my ass. Do what you have to do today for there might be no more tomorrow, my foot. Yeah, I seized the moment.
The moment he was *asleep*.
I told him I loved him while he was so busy spending time in dreamland, all the while drooling on his pyjamas.
But was it my fault that I don't know how to start talking to him about these matters? We've left many things unsaid, many issues unresolved. And now that I want to say certain things, and solve certain problems, I don't know how to start!
Yeah... start by proposing to him, and then you can explain everything.
Yes.
Now knock at his door and tell him you have something important to say to him.
I knocked. More like *rapped* against his door.
And at the same time, I remembered that I forgot *certain* things. Think hard, think hard, think hard...
"SHIT!" I exclaimed. I forgot to buy goddamned rings! How the hell am I supposed to propose to my one and only true love when I don't have fuckin' rings!
Uh... rain checks are okay during proposals, right? I could just give him an earth-shattering kiss. Akira, you full-time IDIOT!
"So you practically tore down my door only to tell me that I'm such a shit?" Kaede asked, his expression as cool as always. "Really, buddy. You could give your best friend more respect."
I had the gall to stutter like a nitwit. "I-it's not that! I- You see... Aw, come on, Kaede! I'm having a crucial moment here!"
"Then come with me to the park," Kaede said as he walked past me and out our door. I followed closely on his heels.
"But what about practice?" I asked. "Don't you have practice today?"
"I do," he replied, locking our door all the while. "But important matters are needed to be discussed between us. They could survive a day without me."
Heaven knows *I* couldn't. But I didn't say that out loud. I was too busy thinking of a splendid way to propose to him. Without rings.
I could just sweep him off his feet and say, "Kaede, be mine."
Sleazy. Yuck, it sounded as if it came from a soap opera from the seventies.
How about if I just steal a kiss from him and say, "Hey, best friend. I know that you know that we both know that I'm so in love with you. So, how about it? Marry me?"
Yeah, right. I bet that stunt would earn me a square hit in the face.
Oh, I don't know. I could just... buy him perfect red roses, kneel before him, gaze into his deep blue eyes and whisper, oh-so-achingly, "Kaede, I love you with all my heart and all my soul. Marry me."
Yeah. That's okay. Romantic, even, but the perfect scene wouldn't be complete without me having to slip a ring on his finger.
Life's a bummer and I'm such a moron.
"We're here," Kaede said. 'Here' is a peaceful, happy park. Kids were running about, parents were chatting, sun's up, and the cold winter air's not as harsh.
It was an ordinary scene, for this not-so-ordinary day.
Kaede took my left hand and ran his fingers over my bracelet.
"It's been so long," he whispered. I could only nod in agreement. God, how I loved this man. I won't be able to keep it all in much longer. I opened my mouth, determined to tell him I love him. Fuck the rings.
"I love you. Marry me."
I'm pretty sure it wasn't me who said that.
And I'm pretty sure that this cold thing on my finger isn't a ring.
It was.
Kaede just proposed to me, and I wasn't even paying attention.
I plopped on the ground and screamed.
******
Hanamichi clutched at his sides as he continued to laugh the living daylights out of him. I couldn't laugh anymore. My stomach hurt too much. "Sheesh man!" Hana sputtered. "It was a wonder how Kaede held his patience all throughout that time! Knowing him, he could have just left you bawling on that park with a purple bruise on your eye! Hahah!"
"Anyway, he's a patient man," I said while wiping away my tears. "Oh, stop it, Hana. My stomach hurts too much. Yes, I'm such an idiot, but please. A man could only bear so much humiliation."
"Yeah right," Hanamichi said as he sobered up. "What did he do to shut you up, anyway? I would have smashed your head against mine."
"He kissed me smack on the dot. Full on the lips. Bulls-eye!" I declared proudly. "That shut me up for good. But I pulled away, though, to tell him how much *I* love him." I smiled, a little sadly. "He just looked at me straight in the eye and told me that he knows. And that he loves me too."
"It's a precious thing, love is," Hana said sadly. "It goes on forever, right?"
"Right."
"Life has been good to you since then."
"Oh, there were the usual ups and downs. The usual fights."
"What do you fight about?" Hana asked he shivered a little and waved me away as I started to get up. "It's nothing. Just a fleeting chill. Go on. What do you fight about?"
"Oh, lots of things. He's jealous over this, I'm jealous over that. I forgot to lock the doors, he forgot to wash my socks. I burned dinner, he forgot to buy groceries," I said. I could go on and on. Kaede and I fight about lots of things.
"I like it best when you fight over Kiara," Hana said with a snicker.
Another painful tug. But then my heart swelled. Hana never forgot the little angel. Mine and Kaede's.
It was one year after Kaede and I got married.
******
"Oh shit, what if the kid doesn't like me?"
"Shut up, Akira," Kaede snapped. "The child won't have time to dislike you. She's still a baby, barely two months old."
"Ouch. Two months and already unwanted by her own mommy?" I asked. My heart ached for the child.
Kaede and I decided recently that we want to have a kid. We want to share our love with someone else, and we want to raise someone we could call our own. We visited an orphanage and found out that just a few days ago, a baby was left outside the orphanage's door, with only a name and a milk bottle with her. Kaede and I immediately decided that we're going to take her in.
The papers are ready, and now it's time to bring Kiara home. We decided to keep the name, to respect the wishes of whoever left her.
We arrived on time, had a little chit-chat with the supervisor, or whatever you call the person in charge, and finally- Kiara was lying on my arms.
Perfection, the whole of her. She's so beautiful, my heart was instantly hers. I'm pretty sure Kaede felt the same way. Oh look! She has beautiful blue eyes, too! Oooh, and a strong grip! I think she's gonna be into sports someday!
"She's beautiful," Kaede whispered as she peered over my arms and smiled at little Kiara.
"My thoughts, exactly," I whispered back.
"Congratulations to the two of you," the nice lady said. "You are now officially Kiara's daddies."
I couldn't think of a better honor.
******
"You and the kitsune constanly pull at each other's ears because of the little angel, right?" Hanamichi asked.
I laughed. "Yeah. Always. We fight a lot because of her... but even so. We still love each other so much. And we have a little girl to love and raise."
"Tell me again about the times you spent with the little baby," Hana urged.
I cleared my throat and closed my eyes.
Ah, those times. Those happy times...
******
"I will not dress my child in PINK!" Kaede shouted.
"But she's a girl!" I argued, "And girls love happy colors!"
The baby blinked at the two of us, mumbled something only she could understand, and gave out a happy gurgle.
"Kawaii!"
"Yes, she's cute," Kaede agreed. "But she'd look horrifying in that pink lacy dress."
"You wouldn't want her to grow up as a tomboy, now, koi, would you?" I asked, deciding to change my strategy. Pink looks good on our baby! I wonder why Kaede can't seem to realize that.
"Tomboys are fine," Kaede snapped. "She'd grow out of it. I will not dress my child in pink."
"Okay, fine," I said with a pout. Kaede couldn't resist my pout. "Let's let her choose, then."
Kaede gave me a determined nod and held up the blue dress. "Kiara likes this dress, doesn't she?" Damn, I'm falling in love all over again. His face looked so soft, so loving like that. His smile is priceless, his voice soothing. But no. A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.
I held the pink dress, "This one's much, much better, isn't it, honeybunch? Say you like this. Tell your daddy that papa's right, that you love pink all along."
Kiara gurgled happily again. She kicked her stubby legs up in the air while she tried so hard to plop down on her stomach. That's my little baby! Learning to crawl now! Good girl! Bright girl! Now crawl over to this pink dress!
"Where are you going, Kiara? The pink dress is here," I called out softly. Kiara gurgled again.
"The blue dress is right here, honey. Come to daddy and I'll give you a kiss," Kaede urged.
"Ne, Kaede, if I come to you, would you give me a kiss?" I teased. Kaede barely even glanced at me.
"Throw that rag away and I might consider," he said. "Now where's Kiara crawling to?"
Our little baby dragged her chubby legs towards another pile of clothing in the bed. The ones Hana gave us when he thought our baby's a boy.
"Whaddaya know, koi," I smirked. "She likes to wear shorts and shirts!"
Kaede sighed. He hated to lose in any way. "Well at least, those aren't PINK."
I laughed and pulled my koi in for a kiss.
I can't believe how wonderful my life has become. I have my Kaede, and we have our Kiara. I couldn't ask for more.
Kiara must have read my thoughts, because then, she banged her stubby hands against the bed and gave out a delighted squeal.
******
"She's a devil, isn't she, Smiley?" Hanamichi said.
"Yeah, she is. But so's your Yoriko," I countered.
"Oh, yeah. That girl could be such a bully. A tomboy at heart. But look at her now. Married with her own grown-up kids. Last time I heard, I'm gonna be a great-grandaddy."
I smiled for Hanamichi, though my heart was in pain.
"Anyway, do continue your story about little Kiara. I'm very fond of the little heathen. She's such a tomboy herself."
"Hai."
That, I will do.
******
"But papa! I don't wanna!"
I heaved a sigh. Little girls are my worst nightmares. Oh sure, I love my little angel, but sometimes, she gets on my nerves. Kaede's better with the discipline thing. I'm a play daddy. Never been good at slitted glares and one-worded reprimands.
And how could a five-year-old have this much energy?
"Come on, Kiara-honey. Just put on this dress for papa! And stop bouncing around!"
"No! I'm going to tell daddy!"
"Your daddy's just gonna make you wear that dress, too, and he won't be as nice!" I threatened.
Oh, no, you don't. No puckered pouts. No watery blue eyes. No! No! No!
"But papaaaaaaaa!" Kiara wailed. "The dress is itchy and then I couldn't play and then I couldn't run around, and I'd look like a girl and-"
"Alright, alright!" I cried out. I'm such a sucker for little babies named Kiara. "I'll get your jumper and your rubber shoes."
"Yay, papa! You're the best! And daddy's the best too, since he's not gonna be mad at me when he sees me in my jumper!" Kiara chattered as she threw herself to me.
Ah, the embrace of my daughter. It makes me go on living.
******
"But she has to go," Hanamichi said.
Pain tugged at my heart for the umpteenth time this night.
"All of us had to, sooner or later," I said, echoing this night's earlier conversation. Hanamichi reached out and patted my hand.
"She's been a good kid. She had the best daddies and the best uncles, and the best friends. She had a good life," Hanamichi softly said. "It's just a shame it all has to end so soon."
"Leukaemia's too much for a ten-year-old," I said, trying so hard to keep the pain out of my voice. "It was hereditary, so we couldn't do a thing about it. We tried to go to the best doctors, tried chemotherapy, but in the end, nothing could save her. The most painful thing about all these is that she died in pain."
"She's okay now," Hanamichi said. "And I believe Haruko's taken good care of her up there."
"We both lost someone very dear to us."
"Yes, but they're both happy, wherever they may be."
"Did it kill you, Hana, when Haruko died on your arms?" I asked.
Hana smiled sadly and nodded. "Yes it did. I would never forget that day."
I won't forget it, too, the day my baby left. It was her tenth birthday."
******
"The stars are beautiful, aren't they, papa, daddy?" Kiara whispered.
"Yes, they're beautiful, honey, and so are you," Kaede whispered back. He shifted Kiara so that she was nestled between us.
"Daddy?"
"Hmm?"
"It hurts," Kiara softly said. But she didn't cry. She's such a brave girl. I was so busy fighting my tears, I couldn't speak.
"Daddy and papa'd take the pain away for you if we could," Kaede choked out. "Tell us, baby. How could we help you?"
"The pain wouldn't go away, no matter what we do," Kiara said. "But it's okay. I'm with you, anyway, so it's gonna be okay, ne, papa?"
I clutched her tighter into my embrace and said, "Yes, baby. It's gonna be okay." I held Kaede's hand in mine. "It's gonna be okay."
The breeze blew softly against our bodies, the grass swayed with it. Cherry blossoms filled the air, but pain was dominant in our hearts.
"Papa?"
"Yes, darling?"
"Where would I go when I die?" Kiara asked. I tightened my hold on Kaede's hand and took a deep breath. How could a kid talk about death that way? She sounded scared, yet she sounded strong. She sounded frail and tired, yet, she sounded *alive*. She's already accepted the fact that she's going to die soon- tonight- and she's only ten years old.
"You're going heaven, honey," I said. "It's a wonderful place where you could be wild and free. I imagine there'd be flowers all over the place, and you're going to play with angels. You could fly over the clouds, all over the earth. You could play all day long, and all night long. It's place where you could be happy forever."
"Would it still hurt, when I get there?" Kiara asked.
"Not anymore, darling," Kaede answered. "It's going to feel a lot better when you get there."
"I want to go there soon, coz it really hurts," Kiara said.
A single tear trailed down Kaede's face. "Then go, honey. We'll be right here."
"But if I go, I can't ever come back, ne, daddy?"
"No, you can't," Kaede said. "But you can come visit us when you have your wings. You can watch over us all the time, and though we can't see you anymore, we'd still feel you because you'll be right here." Kaede took Kiara's hand and placed over his heart, then mine. "Forever."
"But I don't want to leave you here!" Kiara cried out. Tears are now falling from her eyes, from pain and from sorrow. I tried to be strong, to hold my tears in, but I couldn't. Shit, it hurt so much. Baby, let me take away your pain.
Please, Kami, let me take away my baby's pain.
But Kami never heard my prayer. My baby winced again as another jolt of pain rushed through her body. She's so pale right now, and her lips are almost white. There were dark bags under her eyes, and she's so thin.
"Let's make a deal," Kaede offered. "You go there now, and papa and I will follow, okay? Wait for us there, okay? When you miss us so much, just fly all the way from heaven and give us both a kiss or two. Say hi to your uncles and aunties, too."
"Auntie Haruko will be there with you," I said with a soft, sorrowful smile.
"And then we could wait for you together? Would she wait for Uncle Hana, too?"
"Yes, love. Everybody's waiting for someone," Kaede said. "You won't have to wait alone."
"I love you, daddy. I love you, papa," Kiara whispered.
"We love you, too, baby," I choked out. "Happy birthday."
Silence wrapped itself around us. The wind enveloped us in its comfort, as if trying to help ease our sorrow.
"Papa? Daddy?"
"Yes, honey?"
"I'm sleepy," Kiara whimpered. I held her and Kaede closer to me, and all our tears mingled.
"Then go to sleep, honey," I urged. "When you wake up, you'll feel so much better."
"Sing me a song, please?" Kiara asked.
Kaede and I laced our fingers together and took a deep breath. Our voices faltered as we fought to keep down our sobs. It was the most painful thing we'd ever done together- singing a song for our dying girl.
~Hush now, my baby,
be still love, don't cry
Sleep like your rocked by the stream
Sleep and remember my last lullaby
so I'll be with you when you dream...~
By the time the lullaby was finished, Kiara was lying limply in my arms, with a ghost of a smile on her face.
"Kiara?" Kaede softly asked. "Kiara, honey, are you asleep yet?"
"Kaede, she's gone."
"Gone. Won't she wake up for us, anymore?"
"No more, koi."
"Akira... our baby..."
I couldn't say anything. I couldn't do anything. Couldn't even stop the tears from falling. All I could do is to tighten my death grip on my sleeping angel and my weeping love.
******
"Kaede and I moved on," I whispered. "Our baby wouldn't have wanted us to lament her death forever. Life pretty much went on. The usual ups and downs... there were still fights. The ache was still there, whenever we think of Kiara, but the pain's gone. All that's left is a serene acceptance."
Hanamichi finally gave in to himself and clumsily wiped the tears away from his face. "I loved that kid, too. I used to carry her and my Yoriko on my shoulders and we'd both run around the park. They loved it. She used to call me 'old man' and I pretended to hate her, but she could still weasle out an ice cream from me."
"We all loved her," I said. "And we lost something special when she died. But she left something special, too."
"What?"
"She gave us the strength to move on, despite everything," I replied. "She reminded me and Kaede that we've been through a lot, and we're still standing strong- so then we have to stand strong during that time, too. She's so brave, dying like that. She told me and Kaede that she'd wait for us."
"You moved on," Hana echoed my earlier words. "You're strong, you and kitsune. The heavens smiled down on you... took and gave in return. You almost lost your life, but you got Kaede. You lost your kid, but you were stronger. You had this house, built by the sea, the perfect place to spend the rest of your life in."
"You yourself had a good life, too," I pointed out. "We all did. We all do. It's nice to sit down and look back. See what we were before. She what we've become. We're old, but we're wise beyond our years. You remember those years, Hana? Shohoku and Ryonan and the Inter High?"
"Yes, yes, I remember," Hana said. "I remember the first time I held a ball. I didn't know what to do with it."
"And you went a long way from there," I said, trying to help bring back his memories. "And what about the time you got married to Haruko? I forgot my engagement rings, but you forgot your wedding rings! It was a riot!"
Hana laughed at that. "Yes, I remember that, too. My gang just had to crack up first, before finally helping me get the rings. I was lucky Haruko's an understanding person."
"Akagi-kun wasn't as understanding."
"That, I would like to forget," Hana said with a laugh. "I had a huge lump on my head on my own wedding day!"
We laughed for a few moments after that, and I have to smile at the simplicity of things. Here we are, on the porch, early at night, looking back at the years. We cried, laughed, cried again, laughed again.
I think this is what life is all about. This is what growing old's all about. Looking back at the past, laughing over it, crying over it. Reminiscing the pain, remembering the laughter. The years have been fruitful. Our lives have been meaningful.
We could die on this porch this very minute, but we know, in our hearts, we have no regrets. Just contentment.
"You have your kitsune," Hanamichi said. "He stayed with you all the time."
"I couldn't have made it this far without him," I replied softly. "I love him so much. He's my life, my everything. He's the reason why I fought to live, why I'm still living. He gives me strength, he knocks me to my senses, he gives me hope. He gives me a reason to live. My love, my life, my hope, my eternity."
"I understand," Hana said. "A blind man could have seen love radiating from your eyes. When you two stand together, one couldn't help but think, 'Here goes a couple who faced life and all its challenges, and still came out as themselves, and still came out together, and unjaded.' You two... I admire you so much."
"And we, you, for having the courage to go on living without the love of your life," I said. "For doing a good job raising your daughter. For holding onto your faith and your love."
"It's a mutual feeling, then," Hana finalized. "We admire each other. I think we have, since the moment we've seen each other play the sport."
"Your kitsune," Hana said. "You should wake him up. Yoriko and her family's gonna arrive soon to visit us, so you better wake him up and tell him that the kids will be here. It's gonna be dinnertime soon, too."
My smiled faltered, if not disappeared. "Hana... you forgot."
"What, that he's resting? Yeah, I know that. Wake him-" Hana clutched at his heart and heaved for a few moments before his head snapped up back at me again. "He's dead."
"He died two years ago, Hana. Don't you remember? We're the ones who found him lying on the kitchen floor, and you're the one who helped me carry him to our room," I said.
"Tell me about it. Please. I can't remember."
******
"Oi! Kitsune! Get a hold of yourself! Don't you die out on me now, you pathetic old geezer! I'm supposed to die first!" Hanamichi ranted on and on and on. Only to keep my Kaede awake as both of us struggled to carry him up the stairs. Years ago, it would have been easy. Now, though, all of them are old. They could barely carry themselves, how much more another man?
"Lay him down on the bed, Hana, and please leave us alone," I said. "Say good-bye to him, too."
"Like hell, I would. Oi! Kitsune-"
"Hana, please, don't make this harder that it already is," I pleaded. "It's his time."
Hana raked his hand through his white hair, all the while trying to calm his heart. "Shit. Before mine?"
"I suppose so," I said. I watched him as he walked over to the man he called his rival, bent down, a little bit painfully, beside the bed, and held my husband's hand.
"I've been selfish," Hana said, his eyes watering. "I wanted to be the first to die, so I wouldn't have to bear the pain of being left behind again. And now, this selfish bastard's going first. Shit. Shit."
I walked over to him and laid a hand on his shoulder. "He's become my best friend," Hana croaked. "Him and you. How am I supposed to say good-bye?"
"We all have to go... sooner or later."
"Shit. Just shit," Hana cursed as he kissed Kaede's forehead and sped out of the room. I couldn't blame him. Saying good-bye's a painful activity. I took my slippers off and slid into the bed beside my love. I pulled the thick covers over us and pulled him closer to me.
"Kaede?" I gently prodded. I wish I could at least say good-bye.
Slowly, he heaved an unstable breath and opened his eyes. I held him closer to me.
"Akira," he whispered achingly. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be, koi," I said. "Don't be. It's been wonderful, spending my life with you, growing old with you. The time has come to leave this earth, so we could start our lives at the other side. There's a place called forever, remember? We'll stay there, with Kiara."
"I love you," he rasped out.
"Oh, Kaede, I love you, too," I said. "With all my heart, and all my soul."
"We've come a long, long way," Kaede said softly. "And now it's my time to rest. The years have been beautiful."
"You're welcome, koi." I softly ran my fingers through our bracelets. "Woven lives. Silver promises. Golden years. Life is good."
"Yes, life is good," Kaede agreed. "Akira."
"Love?"
"Kiara's waiting for me," Kaede whispered. "She says she's hungry."
I laughed, a little bit achingly. "Tell her not to eat too much, or she'll get really fat. She'll hate it."
"Koi..."
"Kaede?"
"We'll... wait for... you... there," Kaede said in between short, uneven gasps. "Love... you."
"I love you, too. Forever. Close your eyes and dream of me. When you open them, you're already there. Wait for me."
Kaede held my hand and closed his eyes.
I finally released my tears.
******
Oh well... tears have clouded my vision once again, and suddenly, I felt so tired. My, talking like that requires so much energy. Anyway, I'd do anything for this demanding jurassic punk here. He's my friend, and he helped me get by when we lost Kaede.
"Oi... don't go droopy-eyed on me now, Smiley. Not when I need your hanky here. You made me cry! Damn, the tensai never cries!"
"But the story's already finished," I breathed out. "And you can blow your nose on your quilt. Let me sleep for a while, Hana. Good-night." My, my. I'm so tired. Let me just close my eyes for a moment.
"Oh, so you're going to sleep here at the porch?"
"Yeah? Why can't I? Wake me up when Yoriko arrives," I said.
"But tell me one thing, then," Hana said, reaching out and holding my hand in a tight grip.
"What is it?"
"Was it painful? Did it pain you so much... when he died?"
I opened my eyes and peered at my lifetime friend, gave him a smile and returned his grip. "Yes, it pained me. But not so much, because I know I'd be following soon, and I firmly believe that he's waiting for me in a place called forever."
"You've accepted his death, then."
"Death is a part of life," I said. "Nothing good would happen should I try to fight it. All we can do is to live our lives to the fullest, so that when we die, we die happy men."
"Yes, you'r right," Hana said with a smile. He took his hand from mine and placed it on his lap. "And now, tell me... Was your life good?"
"Yes," I said without hesitation. While I did, I have to smile as my life passed right in front of my eyes. My childhood, my wonderful parents, Ryonan, basketball, Shohoku, Kainan, Shoyo, college, friends, writing... Kiara, the house, Hana... Kaede. My Kaede.
"I agree with you on that one," Hana said with a grunt. "Now let's rest our ancient eyes so we'd be well-rested by the time my baby comes."
"Yes. Good night, Hana."
"Night to you, too, Akira."
Oh, sleep is just so comforting.
Oh... hi Kiara!
Hi, Kaede!
My, you look like you're twenty-five again!
******
"Yeah, life is beautiful. It's all worth it, ne? Pretty soon, I'll be going after my Haruko, and you'll be with your-" I stopped ranting and turned to look at the sleeping man beside me. "Akira? Wake up, you dolt! You've been sleeping for hours, and you're not listening to me! Hey, hear that noise? My baby's here! Come on, let's greet 'em!"
I reached over to his hand and felt his wrist.
Just as I thought.
"You're really sneaky, Akira. Dying on me like that," I snapped. I couldn't bring any anger to my voice, though. Akira's been so strong these past two years. He's also a great friend... took care of me like I'm his own flesh and blood. He deserve this reward- reuniting with Kaede and their lovely daugther, Kiara.
I should be angry. I was supposed to die first. I wasn't suppose to feel this sorrow of losing a friend again... but I'm not. Instead, tears just clouded my eyes and my gaze landed on a worn-out bracelet and a silver band.
Woven lives. Silver promises. Golden years.
Life has been good to us all.
Good night to you as well, Sendoh Akira.
Good night, Rukawa Kaede.
Thank you for sharing with me your wonderful story.
******
When you are old and gray and full of sleep,
and nodding by the fire, take down this book,
And slowly read, and dream of the soft look
you eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;
How many loved your moments of glad grace,
and loved your beauty with love false or true;
But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face.
And bending down beside the glowing bars
Murmur, a little sadly, how love fled
and paced upon the mountains overhead
And hid his face amid a crowd of stars.
-When You Are Old. William Butler Yeats
******
*****************
the ultimate end
*****************
~But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you
And loved the sorrows of your changing face~
May all of us live our lives to the fullest, so that when we are old, we could sit down on a porch, talk with a friend, and look back at the golden years, with eyes unclouded with regret and hate, but rather, with hearts full of contentment and joy.
Love to all,
Aki Midori
31 August 2003
by Aki Midori
Woven lives were sealed with silver bands. In the prime of their life, two souls look back and realize that the years spent with loved ones outshone and out-worthed any other moment, every other victory. The years were precious... like gold. Last input to Woven Bracelets and Silver Rings.
Dedicated to al those who asked for a final sequel. When I wrote Woven Bracelets, I never expected that it would be such a precious work. People loved it, and I'm glad they took time to tell me so. Because the ending is so poignant and painful, people asked for a sequel, and, thankfully, Silver Rings lived up to their expectations.
Now, I present to you the final input to these stories. May this story touch your hearts the way those two others did.
I never planned for it to be a trilogy. It is, now, though. Thanks to all of you.
Warnings: Shounen ai theme.
diScLaImerS: Sendoh Akira, Rukawa Kaede, and all the other characters mentioned in this story, save for a few, are property of Inoue Takehiko. New people and new names came from the author's overactive imagination. The lullaby was from the motion picture 'The Prince of Egypt'.
-----------------------------
Golden Years
"Tell me again, Smiley."
"Tell you what again?"
"Your story."
"But you've heard it hundreds of times already!"
"You exagerrate. And don't deny me! I'm an old man, and I'm going to die soon. Grant this genius his request."
"Very well. But let me get you a quilt. It's getting chilly by the moment, and we can't have you exposed to the cold air for a damn long time."
Hanamichi merely grunted as I slowly, painfully, stood up from my rocking chair and left the porch to get him a thick quilt. It's funny how I ended up living the last years of my life in the same house as my beloved's nemesis, Sakuragi Hanamichi. But looking back, even my koi never minded that much. In fact, he took Hanamichi in without a second thought. Life has been lonely for our friend since he lost his love many years ago. Haruko had a weak heart, and she couldn't have made it this long.
His time's nearing too. A few years ago, we just found out that he has lung cancer. He only has a few more years to live. Months, days, minutes... it doesn't really matter. We're old. We've lived our life to the fullest. Him with Haruko, and me... me with my darling Kaede. We're all gonna die, sooner or later. Just so happens that Hana's gonna die sooner. Either way, whether or not he dies before me we don't have any regrets. We lived and loved, and that's what matters most.
I passed by my workroom, and saw my ancient laptop. I can't help but smile. That worn-out laptop witnessed the comings and goings of my days. It contained my heart itself. My dreams unfolded in this very thing. My love was nurtured in its deepest chips. Many years ago, secrets were kept in this laptop. Secrets of unrequited love and painful longings. Letters were written, kept in a hidden folder. Letters which contained my messages to the only man I've ever loved- the only man I'll ever love.
Laptops are frail things, but this one held on. For so many times, it was upgraded and reformatted, just because I couldn't let it go. It's too important to me. It was where Kaede first told me of his feelings. His letter, written on the 7th of November, so many years ago.
The soft light of the room fell on my ring, causing a dull shimmer. My silver ring. My woven bracelet. Still with me, throughout the years. The bracelet is so worn-out and thin, it could just wither any minute, but like the laptop, it held on. It wasn't because of the quality, but because of its worth. It seemed to have a life of its own... holding on. Those two colors held on to each other, through thick and thin, storm and sunshine, smiles and tears. It's frail and old, just like the woven lives which it represented.
But it's still holding on.
And the ring. A symbol of eternity... symbol of the place where me and my Kaede will go to. Have been into. A place where me and my Kaede are in, right at this very moment. A place called forever.
"Smiley!" Hanamichi called out. I shook my head and laughed. Age didn't take away the power in his voice. It might be rough and raspy, but still powerful. Hanamichi's going to die a powerful and dynamic man.
"I'm coming!" I called out to him. I bundled the quilt in my arms, took one last glance at my laptop and slowly walked over towards the family friend.
"Took you long enough," he snapped as I placed the quilt on his stiff legs. "Where's Kaede?"
Pain tugged at my heart. My friend is so sick, not only with cancer, but also with-
No. I'm not gonna say it, not even in my thoughts. Hanamichi had once pleaded to me and Kaede never to mention that his memory is faltering. Hana's scared of it. He's scared of forgetting how wonderful his life has been. He's scared of losing all his memory- good and bad. He couldn't bear forget his dear Haruko. Kaede and I respected him too much to deny him that simple request.
"The kitsune, Smiley!" Hanamichi demanded. "I want the kitsune here! It's better when the two of you are the ones telling me the story. You always forget to mention important things. Kaede has better memory. Now go call your husband and tell him to sit at his chair!"
I looked at the chair which Kaede usually occupies when the three of us wanted to spend some time watching the day end. It's always a wonderful spectacle- day giving in to night. Sun giving way for the moon. The cycle goes on and on forever. During those times, we would do our favorite past time. Talk our hearts out.
"You forgot. Kaede's resting," I said softly as I myself sat down on my own chair. "He deserved his rest. Sometimes, even though life is so good- has been good to us- the mere act of living itself is so tiring."
"Hmp," Hanamichi snorted. "True. But wait till I get my hands on him after this. I'm going to strangle that sleepy kitsune in his own bed."
I laughed. "That's my bed, too, you know."
"Well then, I'm going to strangle you both," Hanamichi stated with finality. "And stop laughing or I'll make sure you die before I do."
"Yes, yes. I'm sorry," I said. The smile left my face, though, when I realized what came out of his mouth. "Hana, you talk about your death too lightly. Aren't you even scared of it? You talk as if it's the most natural thing in the world."
Hana's adamant look turned so serious, my heart ached for my friend. "I'm not scared anymore, Akira. You said it yourself. Life is beautiful, but sometimes, it's just too tiring. Quite honestly, I'm tired of living, knowing that any moment, my body would give up on me. I figured it's time to accept the fact that it's time for me to go... be with my Haruko once again. Besides, it hurt too much to live, you know. It's getting harder to breathe. It's getting harder to fight for my precious memories."
If there's one man who can fight this terrible illness, it's Hanamichi. For so long, he fought and held on to those memories. Those were too precious, he always tells me and my Kaede. But it's just too painful for us that sometimes, no matter how hard he fought, he loses.
"Death has always been painful, especially to those who are left behind," I found myself whispering.
"I'm old," Hanamichi whispered in an ached voice. "My life has been great. So many victories, so many losses. So many laughters, so many tears. Many moments to remember, some forgotten. I guess by this time, I'm free to say that all my seventy-six years are worth it. From the first time I opened my eyes, first time I landed a punch, first time I held a ball, first time I won, first time I was loved in return- up until now, until this very moment, in this very place... it's all worth it. We're old, and we've lived our lives the way we wanted it to be lived- the way it ought to be lived. We all have to go, sooner or later."
"My sentiments, exactly."
Hanamichi forced that pained look off his face and gave me his trademark cheeky grin. "Oi. Life wouldn't be so sad without this tensai. I mean, I know I'm so important to you, friend, but hey, I gotta go see my Haruko some time, ne?"
I gave him a geniune smile and a jab on his shoulder. "Yeah, whatever you say, old man."
Hana snorted. "Sheesh. You're the one to talk. You're older than me, and you look like a prune."
"A handsome prune," I pointed out.
"Yarou!" Hanamichi growled. Yeah. Dynamic as ever. Dying man... I could have been fooled. "Ch', why don't you just get on with the story? Make yourself useful to this dying man."
I gave him a smile and closed my eyes. Once again, I would tell him the story... about two woven lives. About the promise sealed by the silver bands.
It was the story which unfolded as the years passed.
Those very precious years... same years which Hanamichi is trying to hold on to. Same years, I kept very dear in my heart. Solid years... golden years.
Right at this very moment, I'm seventy-seven no more. Once again... I'm twenty-five, and the date is the seventh of November...
******
Slowly, agonizingly, I opened my eyes. Everything's so blur and I feel so heavy. I can't even lift my fingers. I've slept for so long- spent so long a time being surrounded by darkness, and now that I've opened my eyes, as heavy as I seem to be, my heart felt so much lighter.
I'm alive.
That sole realization could have knocked me off my feet, if I wasn't lying on my bed. I'm alive. Up until this very moment, I haven't realized how precious life can be. I could be gone in an instant, a snap of the Creator's fingers. I realize now that I could have died, knowing in my heart that I left so many things undone, so many words unsaid, and a single heart unhealed.
Right here in my bed, I vow, at this very moment, that from this day on, I would live my life, as if tomorrow I would die. I would do today the things that should be done today, for tomorrow, I may not be able to do it at all.
"Ka-ede," I called out, rather weakly.
The thumps of my heart echoes the thumps of his feet. Suddenly, Kaede, my best friend, my love, my life- was standing at the door. Tears were falling down his face, and for a moment, I caught a glimpse of silver falling against the carpet as he whispered my name. I never gave those much thought, though.
My eyes bore into his as tears fell from my own eyes. I gave him a smile, to tell him that I'm real. I'm awake, and I plan to spend the rest of my life with him.
His feet seemed to weigh a ton, because he walked towards my bed in such slow, careful steps. My heart went wild against my chest. I couldn't bear it anymore. I need to hold my Kaede. Though it requires much strength, which, at the moment, I don't have, I lifted my arms in invitation. I want to hold him, feel him against me to remind myself that this is real. That I'm alive.
"Akira," he whispered again. He didn't go into my arms. Instead, he sat by my bed and slowly traced my face with his fingers. My hair, my eyes, my tears, my nose, my lips. He traced his fingers all over my face, all the while crying himself. "Akira," he choked out. "Akira."
I found myself tracing his own face as well. My heart swelled with so much love, as my fingers traced his features with such tenderness. I've dreamt of doing this for so long. I'm alive, and I could do this everyday for the rest of my life.
Suddenly, I couldn't take it anymore. I want his arms wrapped around me. I want to revel in his warmth, feel his breath, hold his body. I want him to hold me and never let me go.
As if reading my thoughts, a pair of strong- yet trembling- arms yanked me off the bed and threw me against his tight embrace. And he started to sob and let his anguish out.
"Akira, I thought I lost you," he rasped out. He ran his hands all over my hair, all over my face, all over my back. All I could feel were his tears merging with mine, and his warmth engulfing me whole. "It's so painful. Day and night, I waited. I hoped, I dreamed. I prayed. It's been so very long. I-"
He trailed off when he couldn't control his sobs much longer. He just held me tight for the longest of moments, while I myself held him in my arms. I was crying myself, though I'm happy that I'm alive. I just can't stop the tears from falling, can't stop the sobs from escaping.
We've been through a lot, and we can't help but cry over it all. All the pain, the sorrow, the anguish. All of it... it's too much. We're just humans, as frail and vulnerable as everybody else. We long to love- and be loved and return, but what we receive is pain instead. And now, we almost lost each other again, and this time, we might have been separated together- by death. It's too much for us. We could only take so much pain.
But as much as it were tears of anguish, it were tears of victory as well.
We've been through a lot, but here we are. Alive. Holding each other. Together.
Nothing else matters.
******
"You two must have drowned in your own tears," Hana remarked. He said that to tease me, but I could see him trying to blink back his tears. "I remember how miserable kitsune was during that time. Heck, me and my koi almost had to pull him up every time his faith faltered. You were out for four months! We thought you weren't going to make it."
I unashamedly wipe the tears from my eyes and smiled at him. "But I did. And I learned something very important during that time."
"What is it?"
"Oh you know it, already," I teased. "You've heard this story many times before, and Kaede has better words."
"Heh. Kitsune's sleeping, so you'll do for the moment. Anyway, humor the poor, sick man. I just want to hear it all over again! It's a good bedtime story. What did you find out?"
Painful, really, that Hanamichi was pretending that he just wanted to hear the story all over again, when in truth, he was adamant to know the whole of it because he'd already forgotten. It's his damned pride.
"I found out that life is so very frail," I said softly, pouring my heart into my words. "We could die any moment, so we have to do what we must. There is no more time to do things tomorrow, for tomorrow may not arrive. The sun would still shine, but even so, you could stop breathing. And the world would still turn, and life would go on. And it's a painful thing- leaving things left undone. Once, I told myself to hold my feelings in because I thought we have all the time in the world. I wouldn't want to rush him. That very night, my life was almost stolen away from me. Yes. Life is so frail. And sometimes, fate, so cruel."
All was silent for a moment, as we watched the sun slowly sink. Orange slowly gave way to velvet blue. Sun hid, and the moon came.
"I remember I realized one thing too, while I was witnessing your sorrowful days," Hana said, breaking the silence between us.
"Yeah, what is it?"
"Life may be fleeting, but love is eternal," Hana whispered. I tore my gaze away from the twinkling stars and studied the old, dying, but strong man beside me. He never took his eyes off the sky as he continued. "Kaede knew in his heart that he could lose you any moment, but I know- and he knew it, too- that even though you died, he would have loved you forever.
"I realized that when I was watching him watch over you... but I felt the reality of it when my Haruko left me. At first I was hurt... too deeply hurt. I just had a family with her, and then she has to go. But I realized then that though she would not be beside me in form, she would forever be with me in spirit. I could never love that way again. Up until now, my love for her burns so brightly, sometimes, it hurts."
"I understand," I whispered, once again staring at the sky.
"The stars are glittering tonight. Brighter than usual," Hanamichi pointed out. "Which reminds me of your silver rings. What happened next, then? How did you two get together? You proposed, or was it the other way around?"
At that, I had to laugh. That part of the story was so funny, it still cracks me up whenever I think about it.
It was the seventeenth of November, ten days after I woke up. Back then, I didn't know about the silver rings.
******
Today. I'm going to tell him today. I'm going to propose to him, ask him- no- tell him to marry me! And if he says no, then by god, I'm going to scream and throw a tantrum like a toddler deprived of ice cream.
Now. I'm going to tell him /now/. I couldn't wait much longer. He's right next door, dressing up for basketball practice. Probably naked, as of this moment. Pale, glowing skin. Long, lean body. Tight, plush ar-
Dammit, Sendoh Akira, for once in your life, stop being such a pervert! You're going to propose to the man, not rape him! Okay... breathe. Yes. Relax.
OhbutIcan'trelaxbecauseIhaven'treallytoldhimhowIfeelforhimyet!
Seize the moment, my ass. Do what you have to do today for there might be no more tomorrow, my foot. Yeah, I seized the moment.
The moment he was *asleep*.
I told him I loved him while he was so busy spending time in dreamland, all the while drooling on his pyjamas.
But was it my fault that I don't know how to start talking to him about these matters? We've left many things unsaid, many issues unresolved. And now that I want to say certain things, and solve certain problems, I don't know how to start!
Yeah... start by proposing to him, and then you can explain everything.
Yes.
Now knock at his door and tell him you have something important to say to him.
I knocked. More like *rapped* against his door.
And at the same time, I remembered that I forgot *certain* things. Think hard, think hard, think hard...
"SHIT!" I exclaimed. I forgot to buy goddamned rings! How the hell am I supposed to propose to my one and only true love when I don't have fuckin' rings!
Uh... rain checks are okay during proposals, right? I could just give him an earth-shattering kiss. Akira, you full-time IDIOT!
"So you practically tore down my door only to tell me that I'm such a shit?" Kaede asked, his expression as cool as always. "Really, buddy. You could give your best friend more respect."
I had the gall to stutter like a nitwit. "I-it's not that! I- You see... Aw, come on, Kaede! I'm having a crucial moment here!"
"Then come with me to the park," Kaede said as he walked past me and out our door. I followed closely on his heels.
"But what about practice?" I asked. "Don't you have practice today?"
"I do," he replied, locking our door all the while. "But important matters are needed to be discussed between us. They could survive a day without me."
Heaven knows *I* couldn't. But I didn't say that out loud. I was too busy thinking of a splendid way to propose to him. Without rings.
I could just sweep him off his feet and say, "Kaede, be mine."
Sleazy. Yuck, it sounded as if it came from a soap opera from the seventies.
How about if I just steal a kiss from him and say, "Hey, best friend. I know that you know that we both know that I'm so in love with you. So, how about it? Marry me?"
Yeah, right. I bet that stunt would earn me a square hit in the face.
Oh, I don't know. I could just... buy him perfect red roses, kneel before him, gaze into his deep blue eyes and whisper, oh-so-achingly, "Kaede, I love you with all my heart and all my soul. Marry me."
Yeah. That's okay. Romantic, even, but the perfect scene wouldn't be complete without me having to slip a ring on his finger.
Life's a bummer and I'm such a moron.
"We're here," Kaede said. 'Here' is a peaceful, happy park. Kids were running about, parents were chatting, sun's up, and the cold winter air's not as harsh.
It was an ordinary scene, for this not-so-ordinary day.
Kaede took my left hand and ran his fingers over my bracelet.
"It's been so long," he whispered. I could only nod in agreement. God, how I loved this man. I won't be able to keep it all in much longer. I opened my mouth, determined to tell him I love him. Fuck the rings.
"I love you. Marry me."
I'm pretty sure it wasn't me who said that.
And I'm pretty sure that this cold thing on my finger isn't a ring.
It was.
Kaede just proposed to me, and I wasn't even paying attention.
I plopped on the ground and screamed.
******
Hanamichi clutched at his sides as he continued to laugh the living daylights out of him. I couldn't laugh anymore. My stomach hurt too much. "Sheesh man!" Hana sputtered. "It was a wonder how Kaede held his patience all throughout that time! Knowing him, he could have just left you bawling on that park with a purple bruise on your eye! Hahah!"
"Anyway, he's a patient man," I said while wiping away my tears. "Oh, stop it, Hana. My stomach hurts too much. Yes, I'm such an idiot, but please. A man could only bear so much humiliation."
"Yeah right," Hanamichi said as he sobered up. "What did he do to shut you up, anyway? I would have smashed your head against mine."
"He kissed me smack on the dot. Full on the lips. Bulls-eye!" I declared proudly. "That shut me up for good. But I pulled away, though, to tell him how much *I* love him." I smiled, a little sadly. "He just looked at me straight in the eye and told me that he knows. And that he loves me too."
"It's a precious thing, love is," Hana said sadly. "It goes on forever, right?"
"Right."
"Life has been good to you since then."
"Oh, there were the usual ups and downs. The usual fights."
"What do you fight about?" Hana asked he shivered a little and waved me away as I started to get up. "It's nothing. Just a fleeting chill. Go on. What do you fight about?"
"Oh, lots of things. He's jealous over this, I'm jealous over that. I forgot to lock the doors, he forgot to wash my socks. I burned dinner, he forgot to buy groceries," I said. I could go on and on. Kaede and I fight about lots of things.
"I like it best when you fight over Kiara," Hana said with a snicker.
Another painful tug. But then my heart swelled. Hana never forgot the little angel. Mine and Kaede's.
It was one year after Kaede and I got married.
******
"Oh shit, what if the kid doesn't like me?"
"Shut up, Akira," Kaede snapped. "The child won't have time to dislike you. She's still a baby, barely two months old."
"Ouch. Two months and already unwanted by her own mommy?" I asked. My heart ached for the child.
Kaede and I decided recently that we want to have a kid. We want to share our love with someone else, and we want to raise someone we could call our own. We visited an orphanage and found out that just a few days ago, a baby was left outside the orphanage's door, with only a name and a milk bottle with her. Kaede and I immediately decided that we're going to take her in.
The papers are ready, and now it's time to bring Kiara home. We decided to keep the name, to respect the wishes of whoever left her.
We arrived on time, had a little chit-chat with the supervisor, or whatever you call the person in charge, and finally- Kiara was lying on my arms.
Perfection, the whole of her. She's so beautiful, my heart was instantly hers. I'm pretty sure Kaede felt the same way. Oh look! She has beautiful blue eyes, too! Oooh, and a strong grip! I think she's gonna be into sports someday!
"She's beautiful," Kaede whispered as she peered over my arms and smiled at little Kiara.
"My thoughts, exactly," I whispered back.
"Congratulations to the two of you," the nice lady said. "You are now officially Kiara's daddies."
I couldn't think of a better honor.
******
"You and the kitsune constanly pull at each other's ears because of the little angel, right?" Hanamichi asked.
I laughed. "Yeah. Always. We fight a lot because of her... but even so. We still love each other so much. And we have a little girl to love and raise."
"Tell me again about the times you spent with the little baby," Hana urged.
I cleared my throat and closed my eyes.
Ah, those times. Those happy times...
******
"I will not dress my child in PINK!" Kaede shouted.
"But she's a girl!" I argued, "And girls love happy colors!"
The baby blinked at the two of us, mumbled something only she could understand, and gave out a happy gurgle.
"Kawaii!"
"Yes, she's cute," Kaede agreed. "But she'd look horrifying in that pink lacy dress."
"You wouldn't want her to grow up as a tomboy, now, koi, would you?" I asked, deciding to change my strategy. Pink looks good on our baby! I wonder why Kaede can't seem to realize that.
"Tomboys are fine," Kaede snapped. "She'd grow out of it. I will not dress my child in pink."
"Okay, fine," I said with a pout. Kaede couldn't resist my pout. "Let's let her choose, then."
Kaede gave me a determined nod and held up the blue dress. "Kiara likes this dress, doesn't she?" Damn, I'm falling in love all over again. His face looked so soft, so loving like that. His smile is priceless, his voice soothing. But no. A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.
I held the pink dress, "This one's much, much better, isn't it, honeybunch? Say you like this. Tell your daddy that papa's right, that you love pink all along."
Kiara gurgled happily again. She kicked her stubby legs up in the air while she tried so hard to plop down on her stomach. That's my little baby! Learning to crawl now! Good girl! Bright girl! Now crawl over to this pink dress!
"Where are you going, Kiara? The pink dress is here," I called out softly. Kiara gurgled again.
"The blue dress is right here, honey. Come to daddy and I'll give you a kiss," Kaede urged.
"Ne, Kaede, if I come to you, would you give me a kiss?" I teased. Kaede barely even glanced at me.
"Throw that rag away and I might consider," he said. "Now where's Kiara crawling to?"
Our little baby dragged her chubby legs towards another pile of clothing in the bed. The ones Hana gave us when he thought our baby's a boy.
"Whaddaya know, koi," I smirked. "She likes to wear shorts and shirts!"
Kaede sighed. He hated to lose in any way. "Well at least, those aren't PINK."
I laughed and pulled my koi in for a kiss.
I can't believe how wonderful my life has become. I have my Kaede, and we have our Kiara. I couldn't ask for more.
Kiara must have read my thoughts, because then, she banged her stubby hands against the bed and gave out a delighted squeal.
******
"She's a devil, isn't she, Smiley?" Hanamichi said.
"Yeah, she is. But so's your Yoriko," I countered.
"Oh, yeah. That girl could be such a bully. A tomboy at heart. But look at her now. Married with her own grown-up kids. Last time I heard, I'm gonna be a great-grandaddy."
I smiled for Hanamichi, though my heart was in pain.
"Anyway, do continue your story about little Kiara. I'm very fond of the little heathen. She's such a tomboy herself."
"Hai."
That, I will do.
******
"But papa! I don't wanna!"
I heaved a sigh. Little girls are my worst nightmares. Oh sure, I love my little angel, but sometimes, she gets on my nerves. Kaede's better with the discipline thing. I'm a play daddy. Never been good at slitted glares and one-worded reprimands.
And how could a five-year-old have this much energy?
"Come on, Kiara-honey. Just put on this dress for papa! And stop bouncing around!"
"No! I'm going to tell daddy!"
"Your daddy's just gonna make you wear that dress, too, and he won't be as nice!" I threatened.
Oh, no, you don't. No puckered pouts. No watery blue eyes. No! No! No!
"But papaaaaaaaa!" Kiara wailed. "The dress is itchy and then I couldn't play and then I couldn't run around, and I'd look like a girl and-"
"Alright, alright!" I cried out. I'm such a sucker for little babies named Kiara. "I'll get your jumper and your rubber shoes."
"Yay, papa! You're the best! And daddy's the best too, since he's not gonna be mad at me when he sees me in my jumper!" Kiara chattered as she threw herself to me.
Ah, the embrace of my daughter. It makes me go on living.
******
"But she has to go," Hanamichi said.
Pain tugged at my heart for the umpteenth time this night.
"All of us had to, sooner or later," I said, echoing this night's earlier conversation. Hanamichi reached out and patted my hand.
"She's been a good kid. She had the best daddies and the best uncles, and the best friends. She had a good life," Hanamichi softly said. "It's just a shame it all has to end so soon."
"Leukaemia's too much for a ten-year-old," I said, trying so hard to keep the pain out of my voice. "It was hereditary, so we couldn't do a thing about it. We tried to go to the best doctors, tried chemotherapy, but in the end, nothing could save her. The most painful thing about all these is that she died in pain."
"She's okay now," Hanamichi said. "And I believe Haruko's taken good care of her up there."
"We both lost someone very dear to us."
"Yes, but they're both happy, wherever they may be."
"Did it kill you, Hana, when Haruko died on your arms?" I asked.
Hana smiled sadly and nodded. "Yes it did. I would never forget that day."
I won't forget it, too, the day my baby left. It was her tenth birthday."
******
"The stars are beautiful, aren't they, papa, daddy?" Kiara whispered.
"Yes, they're beautiful, honey, and so are you," Kaede whispered back. He shifted Kiara so that she was nestled between us.
"Daddy?"
"Hmm?"
"It hurts," Kiara softly said. But she didn't cry. She's such a brave girl. I was so busy fighting my tears, I couldn't speak.
"Daddy and papa'd take the pain away for you if we could," Kaede choked out. "Tell us, baby. How could we help you?"
"The pain wouldn't go away, no matter what we do," Kiara said. "But it's okay. I'm with you, anyway, so it's gonna be okay, ne, papa?"
I clutched her tighter into my embrace and said, "Yes, baby. It's gonna be okay." I held Kaede's hand in mine. "It's gonna be okay."
The breeze blew softly against our bodies, the grass swayed with it. Cherry blossoms filled the air, but pain was dominant in our hearts.
"Papa?"
"Yes, darling?"
"Where would I go when I die?" Kiara asked. I tightened my hold on Kaede's hand and took a deep breath. How could a kid talk about death that way? She sounded scared, yet she sounded strong. She sounded frail and tired, yet, she sounded *alive*. She's already accepted the fact that she's going to die soon- tonight- and she's only ten years old.
"You're going heaven, honey," I said. "It's a wonderful place where you could be wild and free. I imagine there'd be flowers all over the place, and you're going to play with angels. You could fly over the clouds, all over the earth. You could play all day long, and all night long. It's place where you could be happy forever."
"Would it still hurt, when I get there?" Kiara asked.
"Not anymore, darling," Kaede answered. "It's going to feel a lot better when you get there."
"I want to go there soon, coz it really hurts," Kiara said.
A single tear trailed down Kaede's face. "Then go, honey. We'll be right here."
"But if I go, I can't ever come back, ne, daddy?"
"No, you can't," Kaede said. "But you can come visit us when you have your wings. You can watch over us all the time, and though we can't see you anymore, we'd still feel you because you'll be right here." Kaede took Kiara's hand and placed over his heart, then mine. "Forever."
"But I don't want to leave you here!" Kiara cried out. Tears are now falling from her eyes, from pain and from sorrow. I tried to be strong, to hold my tears in, but I couldn't. Shit, it hurt so much. Baby, let me take away your pain.
Please, Kami, let me take away my baby's pain.
But Kami never heard my prayer. My baby winced again as another jolt of pain rushed through her body. She's so pale right now, and her lips are almost white. There were dark bags under her eyes, and she's so thin.
"Let's make a deal," Kaede offered. "You go there now, and papa and I will follow, okay? Wait for us there, okay? When you miss us so much, just fly all the way from heaven and give us both a kiss or two. Say hi to your uncles and aunties, too."
"Auntie Haruko will be there with you," I said with a soft, sorrowful smile.
"And then we could wait for you together? Would she wait for Uncle Hana, too?"
"Yes, love. Everybody's waiting for someone," Kaede said. "You won't have to wait alone."
"I love you, daddy. I love you, papa," Kiara whispered.
"We love you, too, baby," I choked out. "Happy birthday."
Silence wrapped itself around us. The wind enveloped us in its comfort, as if trying to help ease our sorrow.
"Papa? Daddy?"
"Yes, honey?"
"I'm sleepy," Kiara whimpered. I held her and Kaede closer to me, and all our tears mingled.
"Then go to sleep, honey," I urged. "When you wake up, you'll feel so much better."
"Sing me a song, please?" Kiara asked.
Kaede and I laced our fingers together and took a deep breath. Our voices faltered as we fought to keep down our sobs. It was the most painful thing we'd ever done together- singing a song for our dying girl.
~Hush now, my baby,
be still love, don't cry
Sleep like your rocked by the stream
Sleep and remember my last lullaby
so I'll be with you when you dream...~
By the time the lullaby was finished, Kiara was lying limply in my arms, with a ghost of a smile on her face.
"Kiara?" Kaede softly asked. "Kiara, honey, are you asleep yet?"
"Kaede, she's gone."
"Gone. Won't she wake up for us, anymore?"
"No more, koi."
"Akira... our baby..."
I couldn't say anything. I couldn't do anything. Couldn't even stop the tears from falling. All I could do is to tighten my death grip on my sleeping angel and my weeping love.
******
"Kaede and I moved on," I whispered. "Our baby wouldn't have wanted us to lament her death forever. Life pretty much went on. The usual ups and downs... there were still fights. The ache was still there, whenever we think of Kiara, but the pain's gone. All that's left is a serene acceptance."
Hanamichi finally gave in to himself and clumsily wiped the tears away from his face. "I loved that kid, too. I used to carry her and my Yoriko on my shoulders and we'd both run around the park. They loved it. She used to call me 'old man' and I pretended to hate her, but she could still weasle out an ice cream from me."
"We all loved her," I said. "And we lost something special when she died. But she left something special, too."
"What?"
"She gave us the strength to move on, despite everything," I replied. "She reminded me and Kaede that we've been through a lot, and we're still standing strong- so then we have to stand strong during that time, too. She's so brave, dying like that. She told me and Kaede that she'd wait for us."
"You moved on," Hana echoed my earlier words. "You're strong, you and kitsune. The heavens smiled down on you... took and gave in return. You almost lost your life, but you got Kaede. You lost your kid, but you were stronger. You had this house, built by the sea, the perfect place to spend the rest of your life in."
"You yourself had a good life, too," I pointed out. "We all did. We all do. It's nice to sit down and look back. See what we were before. She what we've become. We're old, but we're wise beyond our years. You remember those years, Hana? Shohoku and Ryonan and the Inter High?"
"Yes, yes, I remember," Hana said. "I remember the first time I held a ball. I didn't know what to do with it."
"And you went a long way from there," I said, trying to help bring back his memories. "And what about the time you got married to Haruko? I forgot my engagement rings, but you forgot your wedding rings! It was a riot!"
Hana laughed at that. "Yes, I remember that, too. My gang just had to crack up first, before finally helping me get the rings. I was lucky Haruko's an understanding person."
"Akagi-kun wasn't as understanding."
"That, I would like to forget," Hana said with a laugh. "I had a huge lump on my head on my own wedding day!"
We laughed for a few moments after that, and I have to smile at the simplicity of things. Here we are, on the porch, early at night, looking back at the years. We cried, laughed, cried again, laughed again.
I think this is what life is all about. This is what growing old's all about. Looking back at the past, laughing over it, crying over it. Reminiscing the pain, remembering the laughter. The years have been fruitful. Our lives have been meaningful.
We could die on this porch this very minute, but we know, in our hearts, we have no regrets. Just contentment.
"You have your kitsune," Hanamichi said. "He stayed with you all the time."
"I couldn't have made it this far without him," I replied softly. "I love him so much. He's my life, my everything. He's the reason why I fought to live, why I'm still living. He gives me strength, he knocks me to my senses, he gives me hope. He gives me a reason to live. My love, my life, my hope, my eternity."
"I understand," Hana said. "A blind man could have seen love radiating from your eyes. When you two stand together, one couldn't help but think, 'Here goes a couple who faced life and all its challenges, and still came out as themselves, and still came out together, and unjaded.' You two... I admire you so much."
"And we, you, for having the courage to go on living without the love of your life," I said. "For doing a good job raising your daughter. For holding onto your faith and your love."
"It's a mutual feeling, then," Hana finalized. "We admire each other. I think we have, since the moment we've seen each other play the sport."
"Your kitsune," Hana said. "You should wake him up. Yoriko and her family's gonna arrive soon to visit us, so you better wake him up and tell him that the kids will be here. It's gonna be dinnertime soon, too."
My smiled faltered, if not disappeared. "Hana... you forgot."
"What, that he's resting? Yeah, I know that. Wake him-" Hana clutched at his heart and heaved for a few moments before his head snapped up back at me again. "He's dead."
"He died two years ago, Hana. Don't you remember? We're the ones who found him lying on the kitchen floor, and you're the one who helped me carry him to our room," I said.
"Tell me about it. Please. I can't remember."
******
"Oi! Kitsune! Get a hold of yourself! Don't you die out on me now, you pathetic old geezer! I'm supposed to die first!" Hanamichi ranted on and on and on. Only to keep my Kaede awake as both of us struggled to carry him up the stairs. Years ago, it would have been easy. Now, though, all of them are old. They could barely carry themselves, how much more another man?
"Lay him down on the bed, Hana, and please leave us alone," I said. "Say good-bye to him, too."
"Like hell, I would. Oi! Kitsune-"
"Hana, please, don't make this harder that it already is," I pleaded. "It's his time."
Hana raked his hand through his white hair, all the while trying to calm his heart. "Shit. Before mine?"
"I suppose so," I said. I watched him as he walked over to the man he called his rival, bent down, a little bit painfully, beside the bed, and held my husband's hand.
"I've been selfish," Hana said, his eyes watering. "I wanted to be the first to die, so I wouldn't have to bear the pain of being left behind again. And now, this selfish bastard's going first. Shit. Shit."
I walked over to him and laid a hand on his shoulder. "He's become my best friend," Hana croaked. "Him and you. How am I supposed to say good-bye?"
"We all have to go... sooner or later."
"Shit. Just shit," Hana cursed as he kissed Kaede's forehead and sped out of the room. I couldn't blame him. Saying good-bye's a painful activity. I took my slippers off and slid into the bed beside my love. I pulled the thick covers over us and pulled him closer to me.
"Kaede?" I gently prodded. I wish I could at least say good-bye.
Slowly, he heaved an unstable breath and opened his eyes. I held him closer to me.
"Akira," he whispered achingly. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be, koi," I said. "Don't be. It's been wonderful, spending my life with you, growing old with you. The time has come to leave this earth, so we could start our lives at the other side. There's a place called forever, remember? We'll stay there, with Kiara."
"I love you," he rasped out.
"Oh, Kaede, I love you, too," I said. "With all my heart, and all my soul."
"We've come a long, long way," Kaede said softly. "And now it's my time to rest. The years have been beautiful."
"You're welcome, koi." I softly ran my fingers through our bracelets. "Woven lives. Silver promises. Golden years. Life is good."
"Yes, life is good," Kaede agreed. "Akira."
"Love?"
"Kiara's waiting for me," Kaede whispered. "She says she's hungry."
I laughed, a little bit achingly. "Tell her not to eat too much, or she'll get really fat. She'll hate it."
"Koi..."
"Kaede?"
"We'll... wait for... you... there," Kaede said in between short, uneven gasps. "Love... you."
"I love you, too. Forever. Close your eyes and dream of me. When you open them, you're already there. Wait for me."
Kaede held my hand and closed his eyes.
I finally released my tears.
******
Oh well... tears have clouded my vision once again, and suddenly, I felt so tired. My, talking like that requires so much energy. Anyway, I'd do anything for this demanding jurassic punk here. He's my friend, and he helped me get by when we lost Kaede.
"Oi... don't go droopy-eyed on me now, Smiley. Not when I need your hanky here. You made me cry! Damn, the tensai never cries!"
"But the story's already finished," I breathed out. "And you can blow your nose on your quilt. Let me sleep for a while, Hana. Good-night." My, my. I'm so tired. Let me just close my eyes for a moment.
"Oh, so you're going to sleep here at the porch?"
"Yeah? Why can't I? Wake me up when Yoriko arrives," I said.
"But tell me one thing, then," Hana said, reaching out and holding my hand in a tight grip.
"What is it?"
"Was it painful? Did it pain you so much... when he died?"
I opened my eyes and peered at my lifetime friend, gave him a smile and returned his grip. "Yes, it pained me. But not so much, because I know I'd be following soon, and I firmly believe that he's waiting for me in a place called forever."
"You've accepted his death, then."
"Death is a part of life," I said. "Nothing good would happen should I try to fight it. All we can do is to live our lives to the fullest, so that when we die, we die happy men."
"Yes, you'r right," Hana said with a smile. He took his hand from mine and placed it on his lap. "And now, tell me... Was your life good?"
"Yes," I said without hesitation. While I did, I have to smile as my life passed right in front of my eyes. My childhood, my wonderful parents, Ryonan, basketball, Shohoku, Kainan, Shoyo, college, friends, writing... Kiara, the house, Hana... Kaede. My Kaede.
"I agree with you on that one," Hana said with a grunt. "Now let's rest our ancient eyes so we'd be well-rested by the time my baby comes."
"Yes. Good night, Hana."
"Night to you, too, Akira."
Oh, sleep is just so comforting.
Oh... hi Kiara!
Hi, Kaede!
My, you look like you're twenty-five again!
******
"Yeah, life is beautiful. It's all worth it, ne? Pretty soon, I'll be going after my Haruko, and you'll be with your-" I stopped ranting and turned to look at the sleeping man beside me. "Akira? Wake up, you dolt! You've been sleeping for hours, and you're not listening to me! Hey, hear that noise? My baby's here! Come on, let's greet 'em!"
I reached over to his hand and felt his wrist.
Just as I thought.
"You're really sneaky, Akira. Dying on me like that," I snapped. I couldn't bring any anger to my voice, though. Akira's been so strong these past two years. He's also a great friend... took care of me like I'm his own flesh and blood. He deserve this reward- reuniting with Kaede and their lovely daugther, Kiara.
I should be angry. I was supposed to die first. I wasn't suppose to feel this sorrow of losing a friend again... but I'm not. Instead, tears just clouded my eyes and my gaze landed on a worn-out bracelet and a silver band.
Woven lives. Silver promises. Golden years.
Life has been good to us all.
Good night to you as well, Sendoh Akira.
Good night, Rukawa Kaede.
Thank you for sharing with me your wonderful story.
******
When you are old and gray and full of sleep,
and nodding by the fire, take down this book,
And slowly read, and dream of the soft look
you eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;
How many loved your moments of glad grace,
and loved your beauty with love false or true;
But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face.
And bending down beside the glowing bars
Murmur, a little sadly, how love fled
and paced upon the mountains overhead
And hid his face amid a crowd of stars.
-When You Are Old. William Butler Yeats
******
*****************
the ultimate end
*****************
~But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you
And loved the sorrows of your changing face~
May all of us live our lives to the fullest, so that when we are old, we could sit down on a porch, talk with a friend, and look back at the golden years, with eyes unclouded with regret and hate, but rather, with hearts full of contentment and joy.
Love to all,
Aki Midori
31 August 2003