Zombies, Vampires, and Australians! Oh my!
Nutbush.
*scratch scratch* Meow! Meow!
It had been the persistent sound of scratching that had awoken Louise Leanne that morning.
'Aurora, my eldest daughter of twenty out of twenty children minus eighteen to child services plus that foster nigra Mercedes oh wait that's right I fucked a nigger once wait I mean I was raped once (once you go black you can only ever go back), you just go and let Mercedes in! That cat be scratchin' at the door agin!'
The scratching persisted. Then there were some low cat-growl-meows.
'Damn ma hand is sore,' thought Lou. A cry came from the hall.
'Yo mama! T'ain't no Mercedes out here! Y'all bin itchin' agin? Why ain't you been using that cram I got you last ecks mas, Mama?'
*scratch scratch* Meow! Meow!
Lou extricated her hand from her crotch. In consequence of this, the scratching stopped.
'Damn Aurora! Ya'll right 'bout the itchin'! But where's that good for nothin' sister o' yours Mercedes gitten! Ma other daughter! The one I fuckin' hate! O-o-o-o-oh! Bitter child o' mine!' Lou hollered.
'Don't you go hollerin' at me mama! Yao not the only one with an itchy crotch!' Aurora hollered back.
Meow! Meow!
'Mama, what was that meowin'?'
'Oh. That was just ma pusseh. And by that I mean my cunt.'
PRESENTING HBO's NEW SERIES: UNDEAD END ON MAIN STREET
subtitle: Unlimited Nutbush City Limits
Ten minutes later the dyke-namic duo mosied their way updown the main street of their trailer park, on the city limits of Nutbush, banging on each door they passed.
'Hey mama! Is that Tina Turner over there?'
'No, Aurora! That's just some nigra my ex-bf Ike beat up!'
'Ya'll sure ya'll ain't talkin' about my friend Rhianna and her bf Chris Brown?'
'No, cunt! That non-redheaded redheaded bitch just made that up to sell records! Anyway back to your sister.'
'Mercedes! Mercedes Coke! Mercedes Cherry Coke! Mercedes Cherry-Vanilla Coke! You git your ace out here!'
"Aurora Wal-Mart Teebo Pepsi! Where's that Black Irish boyfriend of hers at? What's his name again ... ? Cadbury Chocolate? I knew I didn't want her goin' out with a neeger ... He ain't installed ma Teebo right. Oh I know! He damn done already did connected his done trailer to our Teebo, like I didn't AXE! Let's just follow dis here wire and then get him on parole violation!'
'But mama! He t'ain't never commited a crime nor gone to prison'.
Louise turned with sincerity and pity towards her second-least-favourite daughter.
'Oh, Aurora! Y'all so nave.'
'Mama. I think it is pronounced nigh-eve.'
'Well I sure don't think it's spelt that way.'
Lou and her Aurora spied the elusive Teebo cable which crept along the Mains like a tangle of ivy.
'Now don't you go steppin' on any of those cracks on the pavement, Aurora Borealis!' Lou cheeked, 'y'all don't wanna go breakin' your father's back! He's the grocery manager at good ol' whatever the fuck our local supermarket is called. You know. That place where our bougy neighbour DON'T by her tampons anymore. She menopausal, y'all,' Lou screamed for the whole neighbourhood to hear.
Aurora retorted, "Damn mama, I tain't never met ma father, I thought I was immaculately conceived'
'Bless the Lord Jesus, you wanna go breakin' his back? And by the way, when you say tain't never that consitutes a double negative thus implying that you HAVE met your father! Damn Aurora don't you go lyin' to me! I gi' you a slap!'
MEANWHILE, one hour ago in the prologue.
Mercedes-Halleberry-Coke, a black woman, ripped off her catwoman costume and her stereotypically voluptuous (another word for cellulite-y) cankles came cascading out. Unfortunately the costume ripped badly and her 'Catwoman' sign split between the C and the A AND the T and the A disappeared and it all landed on either side of her sleeping lover Nelg's Windows NT fan poster.
Basically it looked like Cuntwoman.
'Mmmmm! Cottage cheese! That will really go down well with my virtual World of Warcraft food. Why is it black?' Leng typed on his robotic voice machine.
'Top o' tha mornin' to you, Leng,' the married black woman called through her big fat nigger lips but with her Irish accent.
'Oh! It's my non-Irish black other half. But I alllll white sista!' cried Nelg O'SullivanKellyShaugnassian.
He spun around on his groaning spinny chair, because he was fat and played WOW too much. Almost enough to forget to eat but actually no. He looooooved food. Especially Cadbury chocolate. He really liked chocolate that's why he was a with a black gal.
'Damn boy! You is lookin' REALLY white today. Why t'ain't you never leave the house?'
'You know I can't leave the house … ' he typed on his robotic voice thingy whilst spinning around on his wheeled-char.
'Dude. You don't even have MS. WHAT THE FUCK? You just a fat lazy white boy who lives in the suburbs and plays WOW too much. But that's beside the point. Basically you have a more attractive brother. Wait. No. THAT'S beside the point. All I'm trying to say is I is oooooo0uuuuuutttt every night seein' ma husband! At the Cat-Scratch club! He is a yuppy cunt called Benny. Long story short: he's black. And so is she. But Leng is white. I woulda thought he is yellow. Oh wait this is me Mercedes talking. GET OUT AND GET A TAN!'
'BUT SOMETHING BAD WILL HAPPEN!' he mouthed.
'GIT!'
Then he went oooouuuuuuutside. And because he played too much WOW he was WOWed by the extreme sunlight and got a MAJOR tan. His skin particles took a REAL slayin' and turned to the dark side. Suddenly he saw a shuffling shape shifting shiftily in a shift nearby. Shaq It looked like a zombie. Because it was. But Leng was cuntfused because he thought he was still playing WOW and it was part of the Undead Scourge and was all like:
'Ctrl+S (for spell)' he typed. Unfortunately for Leng he didn't have his keyboard with him. Otherwise it would have worked. Instead, the zombie bit him. He ran back inside. Actually he waddled.
'MERCEDES! I GOT BIT! You gotta shoot me in da head! I don't wanna be one of those THINGS!'
'Leng! I can't understand a word you are saying. Why is your skin black? Did you git sunburnt?'
'That's not important. I'm not sure I have much time left. If I got bit then I get dead like the other got-bitters. I am bitter about it. All I want to let you know is that I lov-'
'TELL ME YOU WHITE CUNT DID YOU GET BURN OR NOT? BECAUSE YOU LOOK REALLY BLACK! WE NEED TO ESTABLISH THAT YOU ARE BLACK FOR MAMA IN THE NEXT PARAGRAGH! Speaking of Mama I think I hear her pussy meowing outside. Can't you hear? I can feel her presence and a plot dump/amalgamation thingy coming up. We are in a prologue bee tee dubs'.
EPILOG - back in the past which is now present!
*scratch sratch* Meow! Meow!
Suddenly Lou's bad hand, her good hand was occupied, flew through the air and smacked her bleached blond daughter across her cherry-cheeked face. Then it slid down past her supple chest and dove into her gaping, welcoming vagin. A trailer door slammed open metres (not feet, you American scum) away to reveal a young African AMERICAN girl with withered braids. She cried: "Mama! Mama, no! Mama please no! Don't hit Aurora, my sister! She as white as snow and don't want no black bruises ruinin' her fair countenance! Like the moon she is, the goddess Diana! O' course the two of us make a pair, I gotta be Charles the dark side of the moon. You don't remember Mulan, mama? We never returned returned that film, mama! That's why Chase from the video store came and slapped us round a month ago and I bin missin' my period since! How am I supposed to have ma mother Wicca ceremonies without the shot o' menstural blood.' It was Mercedes-Cuntwoman.
By this time Aurora lay face down in the dirt, her hair caked with mud and her Mexican implants all askew. A tough looking african-looking american-looking man-looking THING appeared behind Mercedes. He was a crazy cat. Umm it was Leng and the bite had taken over. Like When Love Takes Over Yeee-aaahhhh.
Lou cried: 'Damn, Cadbury! Yao lookin' a bit pale today! And I ent bein' makin' any o' those racial sluurrss, ya hear me? I only FOSTER black, ma step brother ya see. HOLLER.'
'Mama! I dumped Cadbury! Just because I am a black skinned girl doesn't mean I have to date a black-skinned man! I am a normalised Aussie gal and in this country I am free to date whatever colour, whatever race, whatever gender, whatever species I want!'
'WHAT? I DON'T SPEAK NIGGER! By the way you just said you aren't dating a black guy. So who is that crackhead neeger over there?'
She pointed at Leng who had a severe tan and was a zombie so to any external he would seem like a black guy acting da fool!
'Mama he was bitten and if this story is anything like the movies I've seen then-'
'SHUT UP I DON'T BELIEVE IN POST-MODERN SELF-REFLEXIVE BULLSHIT!'
'Right then mama. Let's just call it voodoo.'
All of a sudden Leng fell over, and blood could be seen gushing from his neck. Then Mercedeseseses white skirt was turned red ... all of a sudden ...
'Damn Mercedes I thort you said the painters weren't comin'. I'm not sure when you said that, maybe in a previous draft. I had enough o' your lies! You little bitch!" Lou made to strike Mercedes, yet Mercedes ducked and began to run.
'Mama! Mama! It musta been from last night! When my husband Benny gave me a little nibble down there! He has AIDs like everyone else in Rent but I love him because he is my husband. Wait. I mean Cadbury my husband. Leng is just my hunk-a-dunk-dunk boyfriend. Oh Hi Lung! she said to her lung.'
Leng got jealous because zombies can still feel some residual emotions and bit her cunt-lung open (her lung is cunt, not her cunt has a lung durrr).
Louise and Aurora left her for dead. Two minutes ago. Before she was bitten. They are hunkering down in the trailer to escape.
"Damn, Mama. I don't like hunkerin' in this trailer. You never cleaned up ma piddle from last week," complained Aurora.
"Don't you go criticising me after your father never toilet trained you"
"Fuck up cunt"
"I love you mama"
"Damn ma crotch is itchy," cried Lou. Then she went to the shops and got a shaver but she accidentally cut herself while trying to give herself a Brazillian. I love them.
The en