A/N This is mostly plot accompanied by a speckle of pr0n. Warning for indelicate discussions on rape, because Cartman's politically incorrect.
"So. How was it."
Instead of directly returning to the KKK, the Wizard King idled within the ruined dwelling of the Bard, and struck a conversation with this one his many subdued elven foes. What it was that possessed him to address a lowly mook was… unconventional.
"How was what? Losing?" DogPoo adjusted his hair into further unruliness and collected his wooden sword.
"Well, you guys raped Princess Kenny, didn't you?!"
"Well I-uh…" It took him a moment to process what Cartman was saying. "that was the other guy, John. I was just in this room the whole battle. Got my ass kicked by that new kid..."
"No one cares about that Douchebag!" interrupted Cartman. "How am I supposed to know what happened to the Princess of my kingdom? She wouldn't provide many details, and clearly she is traumatized by your kin's savage ways."
The drow-elf blinked as Cartman swung his staff passionately mid-speech, not entirely understanding. "What details?"
"She said it 'wasn't that bad'. I mean seriously, you must have ravaged her."
He blinked again. "I'll send him a text, if you'd like." He pulled out his cell and tapped away to contact John, whoever that fucker was. Cartman just wanted to know about Kenny.
"Hurry fucking up. I am a king, and my time is precious."
"Oh! There's a video. He made a video."
"Send me a link!"
"It's mutual friends only."
Angrily Cartman retrieved his cell from his pouch and hurriedly send a friend request.
Said DogPoo, "I accepted it; you should be able…"
"Yeah, yeah, I'm watching." Cartman waved his hand for the stinky mook to shut his trap. He turned away and intently watched:
Princess Kenny is sitting on the grandly sized bed with that otherwise nameless John. He's playing on his PSP while Kenny is tied up, looking honestly bored. The elven swordsman flaunts the system in her face. "High score! I'm having so much fun, and you're not!"
"He's having his way with her," explained the drow-elf. Cartman skipped through to the end of the video to no avail.
"What! That's not rape, that's–" Seething, he resolved to facepalm. "Are you telling me you had the fairest maiden in all the land, tied up, in your bed, at your mercy, and you did… nothing?!"
"That wasn't me; that was John," huffed he.
"You elves are truly dirty bastards."
"Well what WOULD do you want us to do?"
An idea struck Cartman. "You know! ...maybe…" The mook had proven to be easily persuaded. This was good. "but you can't tell anyone about this. Especially not High Jew Elf Kyle. Or any of the humans."
"You're plotting a plot of betrayal?" The mook became excited to be important.
"No! Not betrayal. That got old a long time ago." He shuddered at the memory of Bill Gates. "What we need is forbidden love. Humans are far too civilized to hit on a Princess. Find a dashing, daring swain to steal her Highness's heart through the night." He felt his own heart go faster, imagining Kenny with a fucking dude. He behaved so flirtatiously and quite frankly lewd to all the boys when he was a Princess, it hardly made sense for "her" not to receive male attention.
DogPoo furrowed his brows. "OK, what's in it for me?"
"Relevance."
"No, I need more than that. I'm still a character with needs and gree—"
"FINE. Free potion…" He produced a bag of cheesy poofs. "and uh…" He looked to find anything else disposable. "...and a shit nugget."
"I'll take it."
"My Princess! Could you do this humble stableman the honor of a…a… ranged kiss?"
Winking subtle as a lady, Kenny pecked at her fingertips and blew a kiss, causing Scott Malkinson to swoon. Jesus Christ, what a pussy. It wasn't even a real kiss! This is why he was hiring elves. Did no one realize how inauthentic this was? "Thank you, your grace." Scott hurried off, appeased by his true leader.
Fucking hell if anyone thought Kenny in drag was any cooler than a Grand Wizard King, thought Cartman bitterly.
Cartman's private grumblings were interrupted by Butters' herald: "Princess Kenny, we must assist Douchebag on his quests!"
Nodding indifferently, the Princess broke from Cartman's throne's side. The air beside him felt cold and he needed to get away from it. He plodded down after the Princess, and she promptly turned in a look of bewilderment, right behind Butter's own look alike. "M'lord, is everything all right?" King Cartman had never been one for action, always sitting behind as Douchebag and his buddies exercised his behest.
The Wizard tore his eyes off of that blonde wig as the Paladin addressed him and tried to focus.
He cleared his throat. "It is now I think you will be needing the skill of a Wizard. I will join you."
"Well all right!" Butters bowed. "Is that OK with you, Douchebag? You won't mind?" There was a pause. "I think Douchebag agrees with your counsel, my King."
"What about you, Princess Kinny? You don't mind not being the only royalty in party anymore?" He turned the subject of address hard onto his begowned friend, who was standing expressive as a statue during the prior exchange.
"(I don't mind.)"
There was a number of responses he expected from Kenny's princess persona: "(Of course not, Lord Eric!)" - "(You dare doubt the tolerance of a princess?)" or simply "(Fuck you)", all of which were beguiled in flamboyant emotion. But now Princess Kenny had chosen a neutral stance, which kept him privately baffled as the group left their encampment behind.
They walked along the sidewalk, straight-faced (as venturing South Park youth were), en route to Douchebag's undefined destination.
"Elves! Watch out, Douchebag!" Butters suddenly cried. Two nameless students, clad in elven gear, came charging. Combat commenced as the douche made no effort to escape. Paladin Butters jumped to his side while the Princess and Cartman stayed back.
Said Cartman to his only company, "Look at how Douchebag and Butters just automatically pair up. What fags, huh?"
Coyly she turned out her mirror, gazing absently. Failing to receive a reply, Cartman turned his attention to the battle. Butters was patting a wounded Douchebag with his healing touch.
"If I didn't know any better, I'd think they were dating," he snickered. If Kenny wouldn't respond, he'd just talk for them. "But two guys shouldn't date – heterosexuality is more historical." The battle had already been won, but his attention did not turn from his fellow royalty.
Surprisingly her voice rolled out in response. "(Yes, I've been considering which of the two is a better suitor for me. All the rest are too simple-minded~)" She watched as Butters and Douchebag high-fived in the distance while the losers gathered their bearings.
He was rather insulted that she admitted to finding a douche and a pussy with more appeal than himself. "So what, you'll just go up and kiss one of them?" He said this with a light laugh. "How are those gay dumbasses any good choices?"
"(They're strong and honest, so I prefer them~.)" Almost reading his mind, she added, "(And of course you're a King.)"
He eased and replied, "Damn right I'm a King! H-hey Princess Kenny what do you think you're doing?" Cartman caught a wry flash from the damsel beside him before she walked away, picking up her skirts, pink socks showing, toward the triumphant duo. Aggressively she grabbed Douchebag, simply a sitting duck, by the hips with the clear intent of a kiss. Or something worse. Cartman had to put a stop to this gay madness.
"NO KENNY YOU ARE A CIVILIZED CHICK," he exclaimed, yanking her away from the new kid, much to her resistance and rather brutal slapping. "Ack, Kinny, stop!" he yelped, not caring that there were still a few drow-elves nearby.
Slapslapslapslap "(You stop, heathen~!)" Kenny screeched (in a very ladylike way). Unable to fairly overcome him, she kicked Cartman square in the nuts. Even as he recoiled she pursued with lacy gloves raised, until a hammer was placed between them, and everything stopped.
"Both of you, get a hold of yourselves!" scolded Paladin Butters. "Grand Wizard, be decent to the Princess. And Kenny, please refrain from violating our fighter. I know he's a pleasant lad, but you need to ask permission."
There Butters went – preaching decency. This was the problem with all the dudes around here. "Ask permission? It's not like Douchebag could complain. But I guess you're just mad somebody touched your boyfriend, huh?"
He hadn't realized he'd spoken in Kenny's defense until the Princess interrupted: "(Just whose side are you on, cunt-face?!)"
"You shouldn't be the one making the moves, Princess Kenny. That goes against princess-logic. It is the guy that should…"
"(So if I were a dude you wouldn't care?)" Kenny's voice became considerably less fluttery.
Sensing the roleplay on the verge of breaking, Butters said, "Look, I'm sick of us arguing over what's gay and all this silly relationship business. We're all KKK, after all. Douchebag is our party leader, and we're following him."
Indeed, Douchebag had already left. Scowls hard on their faces, they hurried after. Tailing his allies, Butters quietly added, "Sometimes I wonder who the gay ones around here really are."
"Well… I guess it's goodnight, Princess Kenny." Cartman was looking at his watch, sitting lazily upon his throne.
Half-heartedly she nodded and left the tent. As far as Cartman could tell, t'was a blend of reluctance and receding anger.
How she felt, Kenny wouldn't let him know.
"Safe travels," the Wizard King said frankly behind her.
His overt friendliness was confusing to the silent Princess, but she thought nothing of it, taking the usual path from Cartman's home. He always behaved off when Kenny acted as a girl. Kenny enjoyed throwing off his groove, anyhow. Every reaction was funny, even though his ignorance to her flirtations was...in a word, disappointing.
The sky deepened its gray as Kenny passed by some elven homes, on his way to his own. Bushes rustled nearby, and he reactivated Princess-mode – on full alert.
"Hello, fine damsel!" There appeared a drow-elf. Very messy, very stinky... A poor Princess was Kenny, but he handled hygiene just fine. The elf approached with a façade of amiability, but his nervous sweating indicated a possible planned attack. Amateur. "Might I exchange some words with your loveliness?"
"(Ehehe, most certainly! Come nearer, won't you?)" The mook blushed and Princes Kenny gripped her iron-mirror behind her back.
"M'lord, the human congregation must speak with you." Paladin Butters entered the tent with a look of faint sternness. He must have been still ticked from yesterday. Cartman had arrived sharp at 8:00. Princess Kenny wasn't present, and Cartman clenched inside.
But she was quickly revealed, when Cartman duly exited the shade of the tent. Outside some twenty of his subjects stood before him, with Kenny and unconscious drow-elf dragged to her side. Fuck.
In the front of the crowd stood Butters: "It seems that you have added an elf to your friends list. Additionally, her Highness Kenny was approached by an elf who claims to only have been courting on her way home."
"(He smelled like shit,)" complained she.
DogPoo? He fucking did it himself? That guy's got NO sex appeal.
"How the fuck could you have put those two things together! They're hardly related!" Cartman burst out, not supporting his case too well.
"Do you then say you are responsible for such an arrangement?"
"No, it wasn't supposed to be like that!" The execution of his plan had been misinterpreted. Damn elves. Cartman knew enough about getting chicks that a stranger approaching a girl on the way home at night implied a shanking more than a courting. But there was no simple way to justify targeting someone like Kenny. "I meant to send him after Butters."
"Me? What'd I ever do to you!" Butters said hotly. At this Kenny looked significantly less pissed, as did the rest of those who were not Butters. A wave of relief crashed over Cartman.
He followed through: "I know it was you that trashed my room last week. Broke a lamp, destroyed my car, went through... "
"B-but that was Sir Douchebag's idea, m'lord!" Butters bore a visible fear of being grounded. Wow, that was really Butters that did that? That asshole! And Cartman had been prepared to just lie.
"He's new! His actions were your responsibility!"
"Oh…" He gulped. "I'm not banished am I?"
"You may stay, Paladin," Cartman said graciously. "But this is your first warning." All blame was on Butters now, and Cartman returned to the tent, not waiting for his audience to disperse.
"Goddammit," Cartman muttered. He kicked a rock and it pitter-pattered across his backyard, falling dangerously close to Mr. Kitty. After a ridiculously dramatic day of Douchebag's betrayal during the battle against elves, and fucking Clyde's new army, night had fallen fair as a leaf.
Today Kenny had treated him with his usual princess-grace, but Cartman felt an underlying accusation beneath it. It irritated him beyond rationality. All he had wanted was for the promiscuous-mannered princess to have real action that was long due.
"Normally Princesses get with Princes." He said this aloud, his thoughts uninterested in containment. But soon they were interrupted by his mother.
"Eric? You've a friend here to see you."
Frowning at the earth, Cartman lazily asked, "Who is it?" She didn't answer, probably distracted with some male visitor.
It couldn't be Kenny or Butters, as the first made tight use of his evening time with... magazines, and the latter had an unforgiving curfew.
"Hello, K-King of humans!"
"JIMMY! This is an elf-free zone, motherfucker!" The tubby boy approached the rather calm cripple in anticipation of battle.
"Ease your-s-self! I must speak with you about your recent commission of my men. F-first of all, they are not yours, and please fuck off." Cartman started, but the Bard had a resolute, if faulty tongue: "Secondly, addressing a woman in the dark with no prior c-c-context is not a way to win her, especially if done second-hand."
Overlooking the "second-hand" part, not ready to consider what Jimmy meant, Cartman said, "I know that! I meant for it to be more romantic, and cool. It's not my fault if you elves can't keep your orders straight."
"W-what orders? You were v-v-very vague. But truth be told, I am not here to argue. I wish to h-help you."
"I'm not the one who needs help! Fucking Princess Kenny hadn't been getting, like, ANY action." Finally, Cartman said it out loud.
"Then perhaps I may help you both. You, my King, are clearly harboring feelings for the Princess. And I know first-hand your ability to land a lady in bed. Your method had been tried and failed. But fear not! What you must do with a girl, namely a s-s-slut like the Princess, is address her head-on. Tell her how you feel, and quite possibly, f-fuck her in the pussy."
I'm pretty sure fucking Princess Kenny McCormick doesn't have a pussy. His sarcastic commentary remained inside himself, and all that escaped was something more rather artless: "Tell her how I feel? I DON'T LOVE KENNY. He's ugly and poor!"
"How you feel, Cartman. Ask yourself that, and act upon it. Feelings of lust aren't always of l-love."
Lust! What..? But the Bard's words striked true.
While Cartman stared dumbly, Jimmy said mirthfully, "Here's to harmony and unity on both Elves and Humans!"
Not sure how to end a conversation, Cartman called out, "Moooom? Jimmy's being weird again. Can you ask him to leave?"
In a moment the ever-so-prompt Liane Cartman was in the doorway, standing innocent.
"It's quite all right Ms. Cartman. I am on my w-way," said Jimmy, hobbling off. Liane bade him good-bye and that was that.
Cartman stomped side to side, fists clenched before he fell short. What it was he wanted was to see Kenny taken, like that pussy Princess girl he made himself out to be. The Wizard flushed. Surely that wasn't what Jimmy meant?
But no, he couldn't own up to these emotions. He knew the flamboyant lady he was claiming passion over was a guy, and that his feelings were gay.
"I'm not gay, goddammit!" he shouted at himself.
"Sweetiekins? It's time to go night-night." His mother was still standing at the entrance, and Cartman looked at her in surprise. She appeared indulgent as always, unreactive. Maybe she didn't hear his blatant negations. Didn't matter anyway, for it was this evening it was Jimmy who provided the counsel he needed. Somehow.
As Cartman padded up the stairs, the old things creaking under his weight, Cartman let those feelings of lust sink in. Not love, right? Not sappy, not gay… not uncool. Then it's ok.
He stood in front of his bed, not quite fain to sleep, seeing how empty it was. How could he approach Kenny tomorrow? Kenny was an early bird, and within a half an hour all the rest of the humans would be in the camp. No, Cartman couldn't bear that. And tomorrow it was the traitor Clyde that had to be dealt with. He switched off the lamp.