A/N: I don't owe any of the How I Met Your Mother and I am not making any money from writing this.
Please forgive any minor spelling or grammar mistakes, English is not my native language.
Rating T for occasional sad content.
I always felt sorry for Ted, him wanting so hard to found his soul mate and failing at it, so I wrote this. Any review or feedback is very appreciated :)
1
It was stupid, and irrational, and clearly an extreme case of overthinking, but Ted simply couldn't help but wonder was the girl with whom he spent the last night, girl whom he doesn't even remember, maybe was the one. If that was so, it meant that he let her slip away, that he will never see her again, and if he dies alone, it will be his fault; in days afterward, she obviously didn't make any effort to found him, and he was unable to found her either, no matter what he tried.
He wanted to tell that to someone, someone who will understand him and, somehow, anyhow, make him feel better. But he didn't have anyone for that. He could tell that to his friends, but he doubted that they would know how to comfort him or understand him: he could barely understand it himself.
After days of that thought haunting him, he did the best thing he could: laugh it off and moved on with his life, trying to forget it.
2
It was Lilly's and Marshall's wedding day, and he was actually pretty calm. OK, he broke up with Robin. So what? She obviously wasn't the right one anyway, good person but not the right one. And they can still be friends. There is still time. There is still time for him. He is still young. He needs to relax and stop overthinking everything. He will found the right girl, eventually.
For some reason, he was repeating that in his head, over and over again.
But later, after wedding and celebration and ceremony was all done, he was standing alone at the balcony and he felt that well known feeling, and he knew that he is not OK.
He is not OK about breaking up with Robin, despite he knew that was the best for both of them, and he couldn't do anything to change that.
He is not OK with being alone again.
No matter how long are you avoiding that feeling, you will feel it, eventually.
Sometimes it's even worse than feeling it right away. It's better not to avoid something that you can't actually avoid.
3
One of the worst things ever is being left by person with whom you planned to spend rest of your life, by person you considered your soulmate-especially just before you were about to make biggest step in your relationship-get married. It hurts even more when that person leaves you without even talking with you about that, without letting you know does she still loves you or she simply forgot all you two had-every touch, kiss, smell, taste, talk. It's sort of the mixture of hope, disappointment, sadness, shock, depression and compassion, and there is no worse feeling than that. At least Ted thought so while he was standing alone at the boath, looking down at the sea.
People were passing by. He was barely noticing them, but he couldn't help but wonder: did they found out what happened? If they did, what do they think about him? What do they feel? Pitty, understanding, anger?
Although his friends were still with him, it wasn't enough for him. He hated to admit it, but it wasn't enough. He didn't know what else he needed, but he knew, he was sure that he needed more than that.
He looked around one last time, looking for... he didn't know. Some clue, sign that everything will be alright? That he won't die alone? That it's nit his fault because it all went downhill?
But he didn't see anything like that. Not a thigniest clue.
He sighed and walked back in his cabin.
4
Although nothing hurts like that, few years later Ted found out what hurts almost as equally: being used. Found out that person you loved and thought she lives you too was only using you and playing with you for her own interests. To found out that you were worthless in her eyes. That you never had a future together. That it was all a lie. That you two never exsited. That there was no love between you two, not even a pitty.
You are trying to convince yourself that that person is worse than you, that she kissed a great chance by leaving you, that you should forget you, that she isn't worth your suffering, and all your friends are telling you that too, but it is not that easy. Actually, it is not easy at all. It is combination of emotional pain, shock, feeling of anger and embarrassment toward yourself because you were stupid enough to be tricked like that, only because you wanted and needed nothing more than love. And he waited all that time on that worthless person, while he could do so many better things, maybe even find the right girl. But, he is probably too naive to avoid getting hurt like that.
5
It was Adam's ans Kelly's wedding day, and Ted couldn't help to wonder how they feel, and how she feels. And suddenly that thought struck him, just like that: thought, idea that he will never know how it feels, because he will never experience it: never find the right one, never going to get married.
He shook his head and tried to dismiss it as silly, paranoid idea, but that thought staid in him, like some hidden panic, or, even worse-realization.
6
It was Barney's and Robin's wedding day, and he was officially the only single member of the group. He felt little nervous because he knew that somebody will probably bring that up sooner or later, somehow, although he won't be seeing his friends a lot once he moves in Chicago, but he wasn't sad, disappointed or anything. He simply knew that not everyone can be happy, and he was simply one of those who can't. He can't have Robin, and he won't find the right one, ever.
He looked around one more time, and he noticed young, dark-haired girl playing bass.
She seemed happy, satisfied, innocent, optimistic and smart, all the once: like she doesn't have a care in the world.
He looked her in the eyes, and suddenly, nothing seemed bad, unjust or wrong.
Just strangely right.