A/N: Because it has been way too long. You can find an important author's note at the end.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Without Leaving Mine
If there was a chance that we could be lovers / I'd write you a book of handwritten letters / and burn them all up to the end / just to start over again
"Until the last falling star" – Matthew Perryman Jones
Two days before the wedding he comes home.
As soon as Bella hears he's back in town she races to the phone to call him. It's been months (3 months. 7 days. 8 hours. & 87 seconds to be exact. But she's trying not to count) though it feels as if it's been years since she's last seen him, last heard his voice.
In her hand she grips the weathered page of the only picture she has of him. Well, the only picture within the Cullen's home, soon to be her home. All Jacob and La Push related memory tokens are laid haphazardly about her room at home - now Charlie's home.
For a fleeting moment it sickens her that a missing child poster is the only remembrance of him within her present reach; that his memory has been reduced to the mere bold letters of:
HAVE YOU SEEN THIS BOY?
She misses the gravel tone of his vocal chords and the impish grin on his face. She misses his smug attitude that often at rare times was overshadowed by the vulnerable boy below the hard exterior.
Bella misses her Jacob.
Her nimble fingers are quick and precise as she punches each memorized number into the keypad of her blackberry - a gift she feels outrageous and unnecessary, though she can't help but feel extremely grateful at this moment for Edward's purchase. There are no other phones within their home.
The ringing tone sounds incessantly as she clutches the square contraption to her eager ear and she thanks God that Billy never splurged for that answering machine. Now they have no choice but to answer, surely they would never just let it ring.
She traces her fingers over the curve of his lips and the teeth of his delicate smile upon the flyer. He looks so young in the picture, so much like her Jacob, and so unlike the man she had grown accustomed to; so different from Sam's Jacob. That last time she saw him he was the picture perfect essence of her Jacob, so innocent and vulnerable in his confession of undying love for her.
The last time she saw him, he had laid it all out on the line; spelled out his love in words of color and declarations of unending promises.
"I love you Bella," he cried with an astounding strength. "I love you, always you."
"Jacob stop-"
"I won't," he hissed. "I can't and I don't want to"
"You don't know that,"
"It will only be you Bells," his voice softened and the pain of his conviction rang clear. "Only you until the day I die."
And Bella had believed him, but she had also denied him. The very next day Jacob took off. He simply was just, gone.
Bella blamed herself as everyone had expected. She pushed herself to believe that it had been her refusal to accept his love, to accept him, that had driven him out of La Push, out of his home. But as it often seemed to be the case those days it had turned out to be otherwise.
When word reached her ears, thanks to Rosalie, that Edward had, unbeknownst to Bella, invited Jacob and Billy to the wedding, she had flown into a raging fury, whipping about the Cullen house like an untamed tigress; teeth bared and claws out ready to sink in to any unsuspecting victim. Needless to say even Emmett refrained from tempting her that day.
She had immediately cornered Edward in their bedroom after receiving the news.
"How could you?" she screamed. "How could you do that to me…to Jacob?"
"You would have wanted him there, Bella"
Edward was a clear portrait of calm and composure, while Bella seethed with anger and a heavy weighing guilt.
"That's for me to decide," she hissed. "You had no right."
She stormed from their bedroom in a mess of tears and heaving sobs. Two hours later all was forgiven and the heartache of Jacob Black forgotten.
In the three months that followed Jacob's quick escape, Bella's guilt and resentment towards Edward grew, as well as her desire for the sun.
"Billy!" she practically shouts into the phone when she's greeted with his gruff voice. "Billy its Bella! Is he there? Is Jacob home?"
She hears Billy let out a long irritated sigh accompanied by a muffled curse under his breath.
"Who told you?" his voice is hard and cold.
She doesn't flinch. She's used to it these days.
"That doesn't matter" she spits out. "Is he there? Can I speak to him?"
"Now, I don't think that's the smartest-" he stops and she hears multiple voices arguing in the background. "Now son, you've just got back you need your-"
Bella hears a loud audible growl and then silence.
"Hello?" she says weakly into the phone.
The sound of subdued heavy breathing greets her ears and she just knows.
"Jacob?" she whispers. "Jake is that you?"
Her cheeks are damp with tears. All she needs is to hear his voice to know that this is real. That this isn't another one of her vivid dreams, and that this time she won't wake up screaming.
"Yeah honey," he finally sighs. "It's me."
She cups her hand to her mouth to stifle her sobs as relief washes over her, flooding her frigid veins with warmth.
It's him. It's his voice. It's him.
"Jacob," she openly cries. "I-oh God…"
"Yeah, I know" he whispers, his voice cracking slightly. "I missed you too."
Jacob wants to see her.
"Picnic on First Beach tomorrow, maybe?" his voice was soft unlike the usual confident boom she had learned to love. "I can build us a small bonfire."
And against Edward's protests of unease and warning Bella agreed.
"Yeah, great" her words were rushed and oozed with excitement. "First Beach it is."
Then an awkward pause.
"Um…Do you, do you need me to come get you?" his words were strained and uncomfortable. For a short moment her heart sank at his discomfited tone.
"Um, no…no it's fine," she swallowed to appease her dry throat. "I…I can just meet you there."
"Ok, see you at four"
"Ok, bye Jake-"
He was already gone.
Today she races about the kitchen gathering as much food, which is very little, as she can into a very un-Bella like wicker basket. Alice had insisted she use it.
"Where is all the food?" she huffs to herself, digging through the refrigerator for the fifth time, as if food might appear suddenly, like magic.
"We don't eat Bella," Edward says this slowly, speaking to her as if she were a child.
Bella straightens up and closes the refrigerator door with a resounding thud. She turns to Edward with a frown and crosses her arms.
"Right, sorry I forgot."
And for the first time Bella finds it so strange that they can live without food.
For the first time Bella thinks that maybe she could never live without food.
She's on the road by 3:15.
Subconsciously she knows she's been waiting for this day, this moment when she would get to see Jacob again. She didn't want their last visit to be just that, their last. Not that she expected this to be either - she hopes that this isn't what this is - but part of her advises her to never hold onto hope.
Ten minutes later she's pulling her truck into the old familiar driveway bringing it to a shuddering stop. She climbs out slowly and forces her racing heart to slow, and tries to calm the sudden butterflies in her stomach.
She knows she shouldn't be nervous; it's only Jacob after all.
Unlike the familiar times before Bella is not met by a sweeping hug, or too hot arms encasing her waist. For a minute she stands by her door swiveling her head about, in search of any sign of him; she's unsure of what to do. Upon realizing that Jacob was not going to make this easy, not that she deserved him to, she makes her way towards the rickety old porch by herself.
She tells herself she shouldn't expect anything anymore; not after all she has done.
Her footsteps are unexpectedly quite and graceful as she ascends the front steps. She takes a short glance into the front window and sees no sign of any light. Moving quicker towards the door she lightly pounds her fist against the wood, hoping that she hasn't disturbed Billy from a late afternoon nap.
Seconds tick by…
Minutes…
Bella huffs and glances down at her latest wristwatch courtesy of Edward. The shining diamonds encrusted upon the face send a flurry of sparkling light dancing across the door. Bella struggles to withhold a scowl.
Glitz and Glam has never been her thing. It will never be her thing.
She chances another glance at her watch and notices the time has slowly ticked to 3:30. She's early, but she had always been early, in the times when this had been a regular thing, hanging out with Jacob.
She waits a little while longer and then the fear sets in. She can't remember the last time she felt the unwanted waves of rejection and hurt. Had Jacob stood her up? Had he planned all of this just to hang her out to dry?
She clenches her hands into tiny fists at her sides and stares defiantly at the door, daring Jacob to open it; praying that he will.
"You're early,"
She jumps slightly and whirls around to face the voice.
"Jacob," she gasps when her eyes set on him.
He's different - older somehow.
He's in his usual cut off jeans, though this pair seems more ratty and torn than the ones she remembers. His shoulders look broader in the tight grey t-shirt he wears, but he hunches slightly as if he's carrying the weight of the world. Bella knows he is. His hair is long and unkempt, but long nonetheless.
She always preferred him with longer hair.
"You, you scared me," she stutters, clutching a hand over her fluttering heart.
He offers her a half smile and shrugs his shoulders in what seems to translate as a "sorry". His eyes are sad and distant. Bella can't help but wonder where he's been and what he's done. She can't help but think maybe they were things that no boy should ever have to experience.
Bella can't help but think that it's all her fault.
They stand in silence, both shifting on their feet unsure of what to say. Bella doesn't know where to start; what words to say to express the range of emotions she's felt since he's been gone. She doesn't know how to convey her overwhelming sense of relief at him being home, safe.
Jacob is the first to break the ice.
"I made sandwiches," he says. He stares at the ground with his hands shoved deep in his pockets. "I wasn't sure if you were making anything or…" He trails off and lifts his gaze to meet hers.
Bella smiles hesitantly. "Um yeah, I made some" she says quietly. "But you can bring yours too," she adds as an afterthought. "We both know what your appetite is like."
Jacob lets out a low chuckle and suddenly the tension in the air dissipates and all that's left is the familiar comfort that comes with being in one another's presence. Bella laughs with him and takes the stairs with a new kind of determination and falls into his outstretched arms.
She immediately sinks into his embrace, drinking in his intoxicating scent of pine, fresh cut wood, and cinnamon. She always loved the way he smelled. She grabs fistfuls of his t-shirt upon his lower back and buries her nose further into his strong chest. She can feel the rapid beating of his heart and she thinks she's never heard anything more beautiful.
Jacob pulls her into his body and wraps his arms about her to encase her within his warmth. As soon as her face moves into the familiar sculpture of his chest he buries his face into the feather soft locks of hair that always smelled distinctly of strawberries and vanilla. His body shudders at the sudden overload of everything that is Bella.
His acute hearing picks up the sudden change of pace in her heart and he thinks he's never heard anything sweeter than the steady thump-thumps repeating and repeating and repeating.
"God I missed you so much," he whispers into her hair. He pulls her tighter to him and relishes in the feel of her body pressed to his. He thinks, no he knows this is the way it was meant to be, this right here; her in his arms, his warmth, his love.
Bella molds to him like the clay of a potter's hand. She wraps herself in him like the words of a love-crazed poet, a dying man's last wish. She bends and twists and sinks into every nook and crease of his body; a perfect fit. She is around him and in him; she is Jacob in all aspects in every way possible. She's the final piece to the puzzle of his life; his world.
He feels the warmth of her tears against his chest and he pulls her impossibly closer.
"Please don't do that again" her pleas are muffled by his shirt. "Please don't leave me like that,"
Jacob bites his lip and buries his face into her neck. His breath is hot and heavy against her and she knows he's fighting the tears, his imminent breakdown. She's clutching tighter to his t-shirt, dragging in fistfuls of fabric. She can't get enough of his warmth or his scent; she doesn't know how to let go.
"Promise me you won't leave," she begs, pulling back to look up at him through tear laced lashes. "Promise me Jacob."
He squeezes his eyes shut and lets out a shaky breath. She pulls tighter on his shirt at his silence, a tiny whimper stirring in the back of her throat.
He says nothing and draws her to him again, placing a small kiss upon her forehead.
"Let's just…" he breathes in deep to gain some composure. "Let's go to the beach and we'll…we'll talk ok?"
He opens his eyes to gauge her reaction. She stares wide eyed and nods. Bella decides to not question and to just do. She doesn't want to chase him off again.
Jacob leaves her side for all but thirty seconds and returns with a large cooler in hand and a blanket tucked beneath his arm. Bella suspects these are his sandwiches and whatever he thought necessary to pack. She eyes the small radio player wrapped within the blanket but says nothing on the matter.
Bella leads him to her truck and suddenly feels self-conscious of the wicker basket sitting in the passenger seat of the old beast. It's too dainty and overly girly for Bella's taste. She tries to hide the blush and ignore the smirk that graces Jacob's face when she pulls the basket from the seat.
Thankfully Jacob spares her and doesn't remark on her choice of carrier. She closes the door with a thud and turns to Jacob with a shy smile on her face.
"Ready?" he asks. Bella falters slightly when she looks down at his outstretched hand.
"Um, y-yeah." she takes his hand hesitantly but then immediately relaxes into the heat of his hand and the memorable feel of his calloused palm against her smooth one.
The walk to First Beach is quite and calm.
When their feet hit the sand Jacob immediately starts pulling them in the direction of the driftwood tree. He feels it fitting that they should share their inevitable ending where they first began.
As she trails along behind him, her hand still in his, he fights the urge to smile at one of his earliest memories of the Bella Swan that he fell in love with. His heart flutters when he remembers the blush that tinged her cheeks that day at the beach where she had shamelessly flirted with him. He had been putty in her hands while she wielded answers out of him on secrets known to his tribe and his tribe alone.
He remembers her tentative smile and the way she had 'casually' bumped her shoulder against his here and there, the slightest brush of her body against his sending his blood pulsing in frenzy. He remembers the light in her eyes at the stories he told and the secrets he divulged in her.
He remembers the feeling he had in the pit of his stomach, not quite butterflies but not quite love. It was the feeling that he could very well come to know and like this girl; that one day he could possibly love her with every fiber of his soul, with every piece of his being.
And then he fights back the instinctual growl when he remembers the reason why she was digging around, 'flirting' in the first place.
Edward Cullen had effectively taken away the very person that he lived and breathed alone for. He had stolen her before Jacob even dreamed of having a chance for her; before he even knew there was a possible threat.
He hears Bella sigh contentedly behind him when they reach the driftwood tree and he abandons his torturous thoughts for a moment to revel in the smile that graces her lips when her eyes seek out the driftwood tree. He knows she's remembering the significance of it all.
He wonders if the ending will one day overshadow the beginning.
"This is where it all started," she breathes, staring at the old wood. "You and me and…" She trails off and meets his eyes.
"Everything," he states.
She nods her head. "Yeah, everything."
Jacob shoots her a half smile and places the cooler on the ground and pulls the radio from the confines of the blanket. Bella watches him silently as he unfolds the blanket and spreads it before them perfectly, the sand beneath it creating gentle rolling hills.
He plops down onto the soft blanket and pats the seat beside him. She shoots him a smile and seats herself next to him placing the basket it front of them next to the cooler that he brought. Bella opens her basket and begins emptying the contents of it as Jacob does the same. When they're finished she's surprised to find that Jacob had managed to pack more food then she had.
"You weren't kidding when you said you made sandwiches," she laughs as she looks upon the mountain of various hand-made sandwiches.
Jacob rolls his eyes and nudges her side playfully.
"I'm a growing boy Bella," he scolds. "I need my grub."
He accents on that fact by unwrapping one of the larger sandwiches and taking a hearty bite out of it. Bella feels his short contact and she feels his warmth. And Bella feels like the old times; she feels like the past.
She can't help but smile at the adorable puff in his cheeks as he chews on food, sending bits and pieces of bread flying from the corners of his mouth. A particularly large chunk managed to hook its self onto his chin; Jacob is none the wiser.
Bella lets out a giggle and tries to avert her eyes but finds that she can't.
"What?" he mumbles through the food.
"You've got," she motions to his chin but he simply stares at her dumbfounded. "Here," she laughs and reaches forward. "I'll get it."
She brushes her thumb lightly against his chin, sending the crumb tumbling off his chin and down the front of his shirt. Though the crumb is gone, Bella's thumb remains as it continues to caress the strong fine point of his jaw. Her lips part slightly at the feeling of his smooth skin beneath the pad of her thumb; her eyes glaze over in momentary un-focus.
She never knew the strength of his jaw.
She never knew she could find it so attractive.
As much as Jacob wants to keep her near he clears his throat to bring her back into focus. Bella's eyes widen and her hand quickly falls from his face and into her lap. Her hair falls forward as she attempts to hide the blush on her face.
"Don't do that," he whispers. He extends his hand to her and tucks her hair behind her ear. "Don't hide from me,"
Bella offers him a sad smile and nods her head.
"Sorry," she mumbles.
Jacob nods his head and returns his attention to his sandwich. Bella turns back to her basket and tries to busy her hands with the contents that now lay out before her. She wasn't quite sure what had just happened there but it was nothing but unsettling for her. Bella knows and understands that she has already made her decision; that she has chosen Edward.
She needs to get a handle on the situation, she tells herself. She needs to keep things between them strictly in the friends' zone, where Jacob belongs, where he has always…
"Where did you go?" she blurts out in an unsteady breath. "Where did you run to?"
Jacob stiffens at the hurt in her voice and trains his eyes on the distant horizon; He can't bring himself to face her. He had expected her to ask questions and he had said they would talk, but he hadn't counted on it coming so soon.
"You don't have to answer if you don't want to," she quickly retracts. "I mean, I-I understand, I have no right-"
"No it's ok," he surprises himself with those words. He takes another slow bite of his sandwich and mulls through his thoughts trying to decide the easiest way possible.
Bella sits in silence and waits for him to continue.
"Canada," he finally says.
"You got past boarder patrol?" Is the first thing that escapes her lips and she instantly feels ridiculously stupid for the question.
Of course he got past boarder patrol; he was a wolf for Christ's sake.
Jacob lets out a loud snort of laughter and Bella groans and hides her red face in her hands. She can't help but let her shoulders shake with laughter at her own stupidity and concede to Jacob's teasing snorts of laughter.
"Oh shut up," she scolds him smacking him lightly on the arm. "Don't make fun of my brief brain fart."
Jacob sings an arm around her shoulder and pulls her flush against his side.
"You know I love you Bells," he declares, kissing the top of her head. "You and you're occasional brain farts."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," she mumbles leaning into him.
And that feeling is back, the old times, and the past.
The actions and the words.
The feelings.
Jacob senses her sudden discomfort and reads it as a sign to pull away. Bella fights the urge to protest and tell him she's only discomforted because the past is the past and it is not the present. The past is the past and it can never be the future.
Bella thinks herself a coward when she allows him to pull away and reaches for a sandwich to occupy the shake of her hands.
Forty minutes later finds them stuffed and quite satisfied. The air is filled with a palpable stillness around them as they lounge across the blanket, stretched side by side, enjoying the growing rays of the distant setting sun. The purples and reds, the oranges and gold painting the sky with a different kind of fire then they've seen before.
Bella is content and warm. And for the first time in weeks,
She feels,
Happy.
She turns her head to the side and rakes her eyes over Jacob's face as he lies still beside her, his only movement the steady rise and fall of his chest and the slight motion of his lips as he mouths the words to the classic rock tune on the radio. Bella never took him as the G&R type.
She figures he's singing but he's doing so quietly so that she can't hear him. And Bella is angry for a moment because all she wants it to know what it's like to hear him sing. 'Cause the song is an old, familiar one and its Phoenix, Renee and desert heat wrapped in one. She can only hear the words in the tone of her mother's voice.
She wants to know the words to the sound of La Push.
She wants to know the words to the sound of this new home.
She needs to know the words to the sound of Jacob Black.
And for the briefest of moments she feels like this could be home, that beside Jacob is where she could/should lay, possibly, yes maybe for all the days of her life. It's a sudden sweetness that fills her empty bones to the brim, and she can feel the swell of tears in her eyes and the aching in her gut. And she prays and she wishes and she hopes for a sign.
And then her wrist shifts and the diamonds catch the last rays of the dying sun. And she chokes back the tears at the reminder.
She fights the growing scream and she clings to her hope.
But there are only the scattered diamond rays. There is only Edward and what's left of eternity. And Bella struggles with this knowledge as Jacob lays so close to her. And she wonders if he can feel the distress if he can taste the sudden doubt that's seeping through her pores.
And she tries to quell the doubt and fear that has been suddenly implanted within her brain. She scolds herself for these mixed feelings, hates that she has somehow found herself back at square one.
This morning had been bright and full of promise. This morning she had been so sure.
It's Edward that I want, she berates herself, Edward and forever.
But Bella knows and is quickly coming to understand that forever doesn't include Jacob; forever doesn't include the sun.
"Jake," she says. Her voice is tinged with a slight strangle and she feels him tense at her distress.
"Bells?"
"Can I ask you something?"
She wrings her hands together as they rest upon her stomach. Her nerves are eating away at her; she doesn't wait for an answer.
"If I had been the one to invite you," she takes a deep breath. "Would you…would you have stayed?"
He's silent and Bella fears she's offended him, hurt him once more.
"No," he says, his voice unashamed.
This time Bella is the one who's offended; she's the one who's hurt.
"Oh," she breathes out. "I see."
An unsettling silence falls over them and Bella isn't sure what she's supposed to say. She's not quite sure how to respond, she's not even sure she wants to.
"I wouldn't be able to stomach it," he admits. He pulls himself into a sitting position and buries his head into his hands.
"I love you Bella, you know this," he says. "But I can't watch you walk away; I don't want to see…I can't watch you forget me." he chokes on this last bit and turns away from her breathing out a curse.
Bella flies into a sitting position and immediately she's comforting him, whispering words of love and promises that they both know she most likely can't keep.
But it's all she can think of at this moment, to comfort him and make him happy; it's all she knows.
"Jacob I could never forget you," she cries into his shoulder.
"You will one day Bella," he groans. "And I can't be a part of that…that whole eternity shit." he growls this last bit out and shrugs away from her touch. "I can't be a part of your eternity Bella, I don't want eternity."
"Jake, I can't forget you, you know that," she cries. "Not with an eternity to remember-"
"Don't lie to me Bella!" Jacob's voice is hard and unforgiving. He knows this game and knows she plays it well.
Do anything to comfort Jacob.
Do anything to make him happy.
Do anything to make him see my way.
Do anything to make him stay.
DO ANYTHING.
Well not this time. Jacob's tired of her do anything's. He pulls a little further away from her and rifles through what's left in the cooler.
"Jake please," she whispers as she watches his back curiously. "Jake what are you-?"
"Sam says that after a few years, your memories…" he pauses and swallows deeply, continuing on without looking at her. His rifling has stopped and his shoulders are hunched forward, as if to hide what is on the other side of him.
"Jake," she tries again.
When he turns to her, her face goes completely ashen at the heartbroken expression upon his face. His eye brows are slumped in sorrow, his eyes filled with unshed tears. He doesn't even bother to hide the crestfallen shape of his lips, the sunken appearance of his cheeks.
He's holding a box in his hands. He's clutching to it as if it were his last connecting lifeline.
"Sam says your human memories begin…begin to fade." he finally chokes out.
He states it and does not question - he's too afraid of the answer.
Bella is silent but the deep whoosh of air that presses painstakingly slow out of her lungs is all the answer he needs. The hand that holds the gift tightens, bending and breaking the edges of the square box. He knows that her memories won't be the only thing that fades.
That deep breath, that unsteady whoosh of air through lungs; soon that will be gone too.
"I, I won't let that happen," she says weakly. "Jacob I promise."
He lets slip a pained chuckle and fingers the tiny brown ribbon wrapped loosely around the box.
He knows it's the same color as her eyes.
He knows it won't be much longer.
"Here," he thrusts the box into her empty lap. "Just…just incase you do."
Bella looks at the box in her lap and hesitates.
She shoots him a glance but he's turned away from her, his eyes cast towards the final rays of the setting sun. She watches him absentmindedly trace a pattern in the sand; she can't take her eyes off of him.
"I'm going to get some firewood," he says as he climbs swiftly to his feet. "We're running out of daylight,"
We're running out of time is what he can't seem to say.
Bella's gaze follows his upturned one towards the sky. Night is fast approaching and a sudden chill is sweeping over them. Though she thinks it's not just the air.
"Aren't you going to watch me open it?" her lips move slowly, the words falling out feebly.
"No," he says turning away.
She fumbles with the box. "Oh, ok."
He nods his head and walks off into the surrounding forest, leaving Bella alone with the suddenly too heavy guilt laden box. Bella fingers the ribbon and her eyes mist over.
She knows it's the same shade as her eyes.
She thinks it won't be much longer.
From a distance in the forest Jake watches her tentatively pull the end of the bow and sees the silk unwind. It feels like the unwinding of his heart.
When Bella frees the box of the ribbon and discards the lid and scrap of old crinkled wrapping paper, her heart seizes and it takes all of her willpower to not collapse and fall apart. A single solitary picture lies within the box. It isn't anything fancy or anything elaborate but it's enough and speaks volumes on its own. No frame or decoration is needed.
She can remember the day clearly, it had been during the past - the one with all those actions and words; the one filled with those feelings. It had been around the time, right before that fateful jump, when the light had finally begun to show in her eyes.
Charlie had followed her down to La Push because he was going to spend the day fishing with Billy. After becoming slightly inspired, and a little jealous with Bella's fancy new digital camera from months before, Charlie had splurged on getting one of his own to document all of the fishing escapades of him and Billy. He wanted to be able to prove to them that all the fish he claimed to catch, only to have them escape, was true. The camera was to provide evidence. Bella had never thought him so Forks-Chief-of-Police-type before.
Bella and Jacob were his first tester shot.
"Ok you two, go sit on the porch steps,"
"Do we have to?" they whined at the same time, earning laughs from each other.
"Yes," Charlie started, "Now as your father…well, Bella's father, you have to do what I say."
Bella rolled her eyes and let out a sigh of feigned annoyance before plopping down onto the steps. Her eyes narrowed at Jacob when he didn't join her.
"Get your butt over here Jacob Black" she had demanded. "I am not taking this picture alone."
Jacob held his hands up in mock defense.
"Hey he's not my dad," Jacob retaliated. "So I don't have to listen." he shot her a smug look and crossed his arms about his chest.
"Son, get your ass onto the front steps and take the damn picture!" Billy yelled from inside. "The sooner your ass moves the sooner I get to fish, so move!"
Jacob let out, what Bella considered to be, a tiny bark of surprise and quickly scrambled to sit next to her. As soon as Jacob had fallen down beside her she fell into him, her head falling against his strong shoulder, wrapping her arms around the same arm, as they both broke out into a loud round of laughter.
They didn't hear the clicking of Charlie's camera before the moment was over…
Gone.
"If you like the picture then you'll love what's on the back."
Bella jumps at his sudden presence before her. She looks around ashamed as she realizes he has already successfully built the fire, as night has fallen, and was currently stoking it. She had wanted to help him, but she had found herself so immersed within the memory of the picture.
Those had been happier times it seems, between the two of them.
Heeding his words of encouragement Bella flipped the picture onto its front and found the back to be inscribed with writing. Her hear warmed at the sight of his familiar chicken scratch. As Bella read the inscription the misty eyed tears that had sprung up so suddenly at the sight of the photo poured faster now, creating streams of salty tears upon her face.
"It's um, it's the poem 'If You Forget Me'-"
"By Pablo Neruda," she cuts him off, wiping at her tears. "It's my favorite of his."
For a brief moment she returns to that same spring day that was filled with motor oil, warm sodas, and impeccable heat. She can feel it in her bones and taste it on her tongue.
"Well that day we took the picture, I remember you telling me about him-"
"I didn't think you were listening-"
"I always listen to you Bells,"
Silence falls over them.
"Anyways," he continues. "I thought it was fitting, for our situation."
"I won't forget you Jacob," she argues again.
"Like I said, just incase."
Bella figures it's better to let him have the last word and she flips the picture once more. She spends the next ten minutes studying every line and crease of his face, every curve of his physique; the two dimples of his smile. She wants to commit to memory this moment, this Jake'nBells moment. She won't say it out loud but she knows Jacob is right. One day she will forget the things of her past life. One day she will forget him.
Bella feels that no past realization has ever hurt so much.
Edward had described to her that the memories they held were like old photos. They were pictures and flashes from another family, another life, and another world. There are the people and the places and every once in a while he'll think he knows them; but then the moment quickly passes and it's just another place; just another face. He can see them but he can't understand them.
Edward says the things that stand out the most seem to be the things that didn't matter back then. Edward says the things that they simply cannot remember are the ones that they feel mattered the most.
Bella places the picture on the blanket beside her and watches Jacob tend to the fire. She watches the straining of his t-shirt against his wide, strong back. She sees the stretch and pull of his skin against the muscles of his arms. She watches the slight fluttering of his short shaggy hair as a cool air twists about them. Bella studies his movements each one fluid and exact, flowing seamlessly into the next as if each action he makes is all a part of a bigger act, a greater dance.
Bella knows he's beautiful - not sort of beautiful.
Wordlessly she climbs to her feet and stands behind him. She wraps her tiny arms delicately around his waist and buries her face into his back in the expanse between his shoulder blades. She kisses him softly and concentrates on his heartbeat, slowing hers to match his; she wants to breathe him and breathe with him.
Jacob stands still and revels in the feeling of her against him. He can taste her in the air and feel every inch of her on his skin. Her breath is his breath, her beat his own. He never wants to let this moment go; he never wants to let go of her.
"Bella?" he whispers.
She hums a response into his back that sends shivers down his spine. The hair on the back of his neck stands on end.
"Can you do me a favor?" his voice is nothing but a faint whisper.
"Of course" she responds. Her hold on his waist tightens. "I'll do anything.'"
Jacob bites back his retort that, that's a lie. Of course Bella will do anything for him, but she won't do anything. Bella thinks she might be helping but she's not. Because Bell won't do the one thing that really matters to him. She won't do the anything that will save him, and her.
"And you can't laugh when I ask you."
"I wouldn't dream of it," she smiles into his back.
"Liar,"
"The favor, Jacob."
He chuckles nervously and runs a hand through his hair. He turns in her arms to face her and smiles shyly down upon her. He wants this moment to be a happy one, something to remember.
"Dance with me?"
"Yes," she doesn't miss a beat. His eyes widen in surprise and she mirrors his.
Jacob shoots her, her smile and pulls her closer to him.
"Really? Don't you hate dancing?" he laughs into her ear.
The brush of his full lips against the lobe of her sends a jolt of electricity through her veins. Bella is all too aware of his smell, his body, and his entire presence. She shudders slightly against him and bites back the tiny moan that builds in the back of her throat.
"I do, but…" she trails off, voice shaky and tightens her hold on him. "I want to give you this Jacob. I want you to be happy."
He kisses her forehead and lets her go. Bella panics, thinking she's gone and done it again.
"Jake I'm sorry-"
"Relax Bells," he laughs. "I'm just putting on a song."
"Right sorry,"
She blushes furiously at her mistake and hates that she always overreacts. But soon all embarrassing thoughts are forgotten as a soft guitar melody floats on the breeze around her and wraps her within its beautiful notes.
Bella doesn't recognize the song but can discern from the look upon Jacob's face that it's important and she needs to listen.
Jacob approaches her cautiously and holds out a steady hand to her. She gives him a small smile and takes it. He pulls her body gently to his and wraps an arm around her waist while the other stays threaded with hers. Bella tentatively places her free hand upon his shoulder and allows her body to sink into him, every portion of her pressed tightly to his. Jacob lets out a contented sigh when she rests her head on his shoulder and he finally lets himself really enjoy the moment.
"Look at us," he hums into her hair. "Our very first dance."
Bella giggles into his shoulder and smacks him playfully.
"We've done this before Jacob Black," she scolds. "Or have you forgotten?"
Jacob knows he could never forget that first dance, the first time he held her in his arms. He had felt so stupid and out of place when he'd approached her in the gym. What with his straggly old dress up pants and too short tie. He had felt that he looked a fool in front of the only girl he'd ever liked, the way he liked Bella.
He remembers her surprise and then her smile at the sight of him. When he danced with her he had wanted to tell her so many things; so many truths that he'd only ever spoken to himself. It had scared him then that she had such a profound affect on him, but he later grew to crave that affect, that shaky knee and dry throat spell he always seemed to get when she was near.
Of course Jacob remembered their first dance. It had been the very moment when he had fallen helplessly and hopelessly in love with Isabella Swan.
Jacob knew he would always remember that dance and smile.
Jacob knew he would always remember this dance and cry.
"No I haven't forgotten," he says into her hair. "I just don't count that one; all we did was shuffle in a small circle"
"Yes but it was a beautiful circle,"
Jacob can't help but laugh and squeeze her closer to him.
"This is beautiful too," she whispers into his shoulder. "I don't remember the song though."
"It's ok," he says. "You can always try to remember this one,"
Jacob can feel the light tremors in her body as he sways her around in a circle. He knows she's listening to the words and he knows that she knows what they mean.
"This isn't the song I would have picked though," he says to her. "But for this occasion I think it's fitting,"
"Picked?" She whispers, though she already knows what he means.
"For us," He whispers. "On our wedding."
Their movements still and all Bella can manage is to keep herself standing. She doesn't know whether to laugh, scream, or cry.
"You, you think I would marry you?" She attempts to joke.
Jacob is un-phased.
"No," she almost deflates. "I know you would marry me. If there were no monsters and no magic, we would be together,"
Bella chooses to remain silent because she knows this is true. This is an old and tired conversation that they have visited many times before. There are too many thoughts and too many feelings swirling around inside of her. She can't afford for the doubt to creep in now and take hold of her. It is Edward that she wants, whom she belongs to. And she knows she shouldn't want Jacob but she does and a small part of her believes she always will but she doesn't know if it will ever be enough. And it doesn't help that Jacob is holding her this way, like she is the only thing in the world that can keep him grounded, and it doesn't help that he's singing the words to her, these words of this song that she's never heard of but feels as if it was written specifically for them. And he's doing it so softly and gently and it kills her because he doesn't sound all that good but it is beautiful nonetheless.
If there was a chance that we could be lovers, I'd swim seven oceans and keep going further. I'd hold my breath until you slipped those words that belong on your lips
As if sensing the battle raging within her Jacob pulls her impossibly closer allowing his self to completely engulf himself within the scent of her. He doesn't know how much longer they have with one another but he knows it isn't enough. There will never be enough time.
So tell me the secret. Is there a way into your heart? 'Cause I want to believe it. Oh will I be wishing until the last falling star?
As the song winds down he reluctantly pulls himself away from her. He doesn't miss the shiver that runs through her with the absence of his heat. It takes everything in him to not comfort her. The air is still around them. They stand, staring, breathing, neither knowing where to go from here.
"Jake," Bella steps forward, her eyes shining and bright.
"Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream," Jacob blurts out.
Bella falters in her next step, her brow rising high.
"What?"
"Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream," he rushes.
He begins to fumble with the back pocket of his cutoffs, his chest rising and falling rapidly.
"Jake what are you talking about?"
"It's your favorite, I know it is," he pushes forward. "And you won't ever have it again,"
He pulls a crumpled piece of paper from his back pocket, his hands shaking and practically ripping it apart.
"Jake what is that?" Bella's voice is weary.
Jacob steels himself and takes a deep shuddering breath, his eyes downcast towards the pathetic piece of paper. He knows it is his last ditch effort but he can't help but feel foolish now for even thinking this could possibly change her mind. But he has to try. That's all that matters, that he at least tries.
"I…I made a list," he whispers.
"A list?"
He nods.
"Of what?"
Bella's heart lurches at the way he pauses and how his hands crumple around the paper into tight fists. She hates the look of anguish on his face when he squeezes his eyes tightly closed.
"I made," his voice cracks. "I made a list of the all the things you'll forget and the things you'll never have the chance to forget,"
Her breath leaves her in one fell swoop.
"Number one: Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream," he says. "You're favorite."
Her heart shudders and then flies rapidly.
"Number two: Spaghetti,"
"Jake," she whispers.
"Number three: bonfires on the beach"
"Please," her voice strains.
"Number four and five: riding bikes and trips to the emergency room," he attempts to laugh through it but ends with a choked off sob.
"Don't do this,"
"Number six: fishing trips with Charlie"
Bella doesn't know what to say. Her throat is too dry and her eyes to blurry for her to make sense of anything. All she knows is the pain of this heartbreaking truth.
"Number seven," he pauses on this and tries to swallow the lump in his throat. "Number seven: kids, lots and lots of kids"
Bella's hands automatically fall to her waist wrapping around her stomach as a hole tears straight through. She's brought back to the past, with those feelings, and the actions, and she remembers a kiss on a mountaintop and tiny little black haired children racing away from her.
No, no, no this isn't what she wants. She can't listen to this she can't, she just can't.
"Number eight: the sun,"
The sun. Her sun: Jacob.
"Stop it!" Bella shouts. "Just stop!"
Bella is breathing hard, too hard. She feels like she's going to pass out. Like she could just lay down right here and die because she is horrid and awful because all of the things he is saying and has said are true. And she can't face it she doesn't want to. She wants to live inside her little Edward bubble of perfection and eternity and never ever have to come out.
"Bella," Jacob takes a step towards her.
"Don't!" She shouts and pushes out her hand to hold him back. "Don't come near me,"
"Bells,"
"And don't Bells me either!" she can't hold her tears in any longer. They burn hot in the corner of her eyes and it's only a matter of time before they begin to fall. "How could you? How can you do this to me?"
"Because it's what you need to hear," Jacob's voice is strong and sure. "You need to know what you're giving up,"
"I already know what I'm giving up," she hisses. "You think ice cream and bonfires are going to change my mind? I belong to him Jacob!'
"You belong to yourself Bella!" Jacob shouts and the force of it nearly knocks Bella over. "God, do you even hear yourself? Did you honestly think for one second that I thought those would be the things that would change your mind?"
"Then why mention them at all?" She steps towards him, her hands thrust out in confusion. "Why bring up the small and insignificant things-"
"Because they shouldn't be insignificant! They should matter to you! The ice cream and the bonfires because they're all apart of something bigger!" His hands are shaking with the force of his words. "It's your life Bella and it's the people in it. Your mother, your father, your friends and the pack; they should all matter! I should matter!"
"Well they don't Jacob!" she bites back without thinking. "You don't matter!"
Bella's hands clamp over her mouth as soon as the words leave her mouth. Jacob stands speechless before her, a pain stronger than hurt coursing through him. Bella knows she's done it, that she's ruined them for good. It is instantaneous. She sees it in the sinking of his shoulders and the darkness that clouds his eyes. She's killed him. She's killed them.
"Jacob," Bella's voice is weak as she reaches out for him. "Jacob please,"
A shaken sob tears through her when he shifts his body just out of reach.
"I didn't mean it," she cries. "I swear to you, God I didn't mean it,"
"But you said it," his voice is flat, void of all emotion but she can see the pain buried deep in his eyes.
"I love you, I love you so much please understand,"
"It's not enough-"
"No!" She cries and lunges for him, grasping tight to his shirt before he can get away from her. She doesn't want him to run. She couldn't survive it if he were to run again.
"Jacob, Jake please I love you," she stutters through her words, her hands flitting rapidly over his warm chest. "You and the pack and Charlie. I love you, your family to me you know that,"
"But you can give us up? You can do without us?"
"No, no Jacob," she pleads and stares up at him trying to reach his eyes, trying to make him understand. But he won't look at her. "That's not what I'm saying,"
"It's exactly what you're saying Bella,"
"No I care for you, for them, and everyone I do but I can't," she takes a deep shuddering breath unsure of where to go from there. It is all too much for her to handle. "I can't live without him,"
"You did for 18 years Bella, I'm sure you could last another 60 or so,"
"I can't, you know I can't."
Jacob stares her hard in the face, his eyes searching through hers and she knows he's looking for the doubt. Bella isn't so sure if she no longer wants him to find it.
"Well then I guess we're done here," he gives her a curt nod and turns and walks away. "Enjoy the rest of forever," he shouts over his shoulder.
"What? No!" Bella runs after him and grabbing his arm. "Stop!"
Jacob stops in his tracks but refuses to face her.
"I don't want to fight with you, please." Bella pleads.
"But this is how it will be," Jacob's voice is monotone, so indifferent to everything that it coursing through her right now. "This, this is us after"
"No, I won't let that happen."
"Bella I'm born to hate them," Jacob growls whipping around to face her. "I'm made to destroy what you're literally dying to be!'
"You wouldn't"
"How can you be so sure?"
"Because you love me!" she cries. "And I love you!"
"Yeah and look where that's gotten me," Jacob scolds. "A broken heart and a pack that's ashamed of me, and a girl who loves me but it isn't enough,"
"I don't know what you want from me,"
"You know exactly what I want,"
"I can't give it to you,"
Jacob shrugs his shoulders and shakes his head. "Well then like I said before, I guess we're done here."
Bella doesn't know what to do to make him stay. No, she does know what to do but she doesn't think she can do it. She can't tell Edward that she doesn't want forever, that she only wants a lifetime with Jacob. She can only watch him walk away with his shoulders hunched against the coastal wind and his head hanging low.
But would a lifetime be so bad?
For so long Edward had been her rock, the one she turned to when she needed someone to be there for her. But then he left. And she had forgiven him, after everything she had been through she had accepted him with open arms as if nothing happened, as if the months she spent alone and practically comatose were nothing. As if the time and care Jacob had taken in putting her back together didn't matter.
But it did matter. Jacob did matter.
"Jacob," she whimpers, her hands wringing together. "Jacob please don't go"
He keeps walking.
"Jacob," she says it louder now.
When he ignores her she starts to run. He isn't far, just a ways down the beach but she knows if she doesn't catch him than it's all over. Her feet are quick but the sand still slows her down. The harder she pushes it seems the further he gets away.
"Jacob!" she screams and this time he stops. "Jacob, please!"
She fights hard and miraculously within moments she's standing behind him. The wind whips furiously about, pulling the tears from the corners of her eyes, forcing a shudder to rack through her body.
There are so many things that she wants to say to him right here, in this moment, but she isn't sure where to start. But Bella is learning that it isn't the starting point that matters, it is the fact that she at least tries. She must try to make things right.
"I don't, I don't know how to be alone." She starts. "For so long I have depended on others to pull me through life, to guide me through the hardships, and to give me happiness. And I know that it's wrong to put so much stock into other people but it's who I am."
Jacob doesn't move to face her or acknowledge that she's speaking but she knows he's listening. She can see it in the subtle tilt of his head and the unclenching of his fists at his side.
"When I first moved here I transferred all of that dependence into Edward and I made him my rock. I made him my point of happiness and the point of everything else in my life and then he left," Bella can no longer hold in the tears or keep her voice from breaking. "He left me and I thought I had no one. But then came you; you stepped in. But I didn't want to depend on you, I didn't want to put that weight on your shoulders and for a while I hadn't thought I did. I know now that that's exactly what I did to you and I'm sorry.
"I love you Jacob," she says. "I love you I do. And it scares me so much these days that I don't know what to do or what to make of anything. All I know is that I love him and I love you and they are so different from one another that I can't even make sense of either of it…but I know that every day the love I feel for you grows more and more and I can't stop it. I don't even know if I want to stop it,"
"Bells," Jacob turns to face her, hope glowing bright in his eyes and it kills her.
"Jacob," she continues. "There was a time when I thought that my world would cave under the darkness of loneliness and that I would never make it out alive. But I did and it's because of you that I survived."
He takes a step towards her, his eyes red with tears, and his fingertips reaching.
"I don't know how to live without you or him," she whispers. "I can't do it, I know I can't. I need you both because I don't want to forget you. I can't forget you."
"I can help you," his voice is so sure, so hopeful.
"But don't you see," she sniffles through a laugh and wrings her hands in the ends of her shirt. "You can't."
Bella knows that he has done all that he can for her and more. But she can't give him what he wants. She can only take and take from him because she is so selfish.
"You can't help me and I'm too selfish to let you go," she says.
Jacob steps forward until his hands are on top of hers and he's pulling her into his arms. Jacob is always pulling her in while she pushes desperately away.
"Then don't let me go," he says bending forward so that his forehead rests against hers. "I'll do anything you ask, just please don't let this go,"
"I'll kill you in the end," she cries. "I'll destroy you I know I will, but I need you to stay Jacob," she wraps her arms around him and digs her fingers deep into his skin. "Will you stay?"
He knows this is the moment that will define him. This is the moment that he will look back on and wonder what might have been if he had chosen differently. He knows that he might possibly regret this, but in this moment, he cannot deny her: the only woman he has ever and will ever love. She will kill him in the end; he knows this to be true. What little is left of his broken heart will always belong to Isabella Swan, for her to do with as she pleases, like she has always done. And he will allow it. He will stay until the very end.
"Yes," he says.
"And you'll love me?" she whispers.
"Always,"
"Like the world is ending?"
Jacob pauses before pressing a kiss to her temple, his eyes squeezed shut against the wave of pain that sears through him.
"I will,"
And he did, because for Jacob Black it was.
If each day a flower climbs up to your lips to seek me,
Ah my love, ah my own, in me all that fire is repeated.
In me nothing is extinguished or forgotten.
My love feeds on your love, beloved,
And as long as you live it will be in your arms
Without leaving mine.
'If You Forget Me' -Pablo Neruda
A/N: Welp, I have no excuses for my absence except the usual Real Life business. I'm getting back into the groove of writing though. There are a couple of one shots and multi-chaps I've been working on over the course of my absence that I'm really keen on finishing. So expect some more new stuff.
As for Coming Closer: Because of the recent purging on FF of some stories considered "explicit" I will most likely be re-writing CC. Not just because of this reason either. I love the story but there is a part of me that really wants to go back and re-work some things. Mostly because I wrote the story as I went along, so a lot of things cropped up that I didn't really expect to happen. I do still have a clear ending for the story but it became this monster of a thing with a mind of its own and I need to take back control. I'm not going to pull the story outright because I don't want to lose all of the lovely reviews you have left me. I will be going through chapter-by-chapter and trying to make the story more cohesive. So look out for that as well.
I just want to take this last moment to thank all of you who have stuck by me. And for the encouraging messages pushing me to write and showing me that there are people out there who care enough and enjoy my writing enough to contact me. And for the lovely reviews as well, that are still coming in even though it's been well over a year since my last update. Sorry! But thank you, sincerely, from the bottom of my heart. It really means the world to me.
xoxo B