A/N: Ok, I was in a really weird, sad kind of mood when I wrote this, so please, no bad remarks. I've watched SP over and over, well yeah, just twice, all episodes, and it's been making me sad, for some reason. I'm happy Nagisa and Shizuma are together, as well as Amane and Hikari, but you can't help but feel bad for the others who were infatuated with them also. It also makes me feel sad that Tamao didn't get Nagisa, because she mentions in the manga that she grew up in a demented household. Sigh. I know it's just a cartoon, but I relate to it a lot. And the 1st time I watched it, I didn't cry except when Amane lost her memory, but I cried a lot the next time. Poor Kaori, and poor, poor Shizuma. But Nagisa touched me, because I've felt what she has.
Anyway, sorry for that, I just needed to ventilate. Anyway, this story's not very happy, I guess.
Disclaimer: I don't own Strawberry Panic! or any of the characters.
She was never really mine.
No, I could never really call her that.
She loved me, and I her, there is no doubt in my mind that my entire beating heart was committed to her, and solely to her. And although she called me hers, and I called her mine, she never really was.
I could see it in her eyes.
I'd awaken to find her staring at me with cloudy eyes, knowing she was picturing something better. She was inches from my face, yet her eyes were miles deep, wandering some unknown place, grasping the hand of another.
She wasn't mine.
The entire campus knew of us, our public affair. Many were ecstatic, many envious, and I was simply overjoyed that the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen was in love with me, oblivious to the others that surrounded us with hatred and joy. Many said that they could feel and see the love we shared, the connection that most even say was deeper than the one she'd had prior to me.
Kaori.
That name still brings tears to my drained eyes. I know Shizuma had better, despite the fact she said that it might have been out of pity for the ill girl. I know better.
She loved her with every ounce she had within her.
Loved.
Huh, that isn't the word. She loves her. I know she does. She knows she does.
The wedding came and went, and our vows were music to our ears. I know she loves me, but I know she will always have another in that mysterious heart of hers. She, who dominates anything and everything I have ever done to or with Shizuma. She who tops all I ever hope to do alongside Shizuma.
We love each other yes, I know this, but…the feeling of knowing that someone else occupies the small vacant spots in her heart…I sometimes wished to die when I'd hear her whispering her name in her sleep.
She put me through so much, many times making me want to disappear.
But I always stayed, holding her, kissing her, hugging her when she woke up with the occasional screams at midnight, shouting for Kaori not to leave. I used to tell myself I was just a spare, a replacement for something better. But Shizuma said no. I believe her, but the feeling never leaves me…Oh Shizuma…
Making love was amazing, but once in a while, she would hold back, as if fearing someone was watching her. This cautious Shizuma was alien to me, as I was used to the cocky, seductive Shizuma of before.
Oh Shizuma…
But we remain in love for life.
She is only half mine.
In our old years now, I notice that small voice has less of a grip on her. But I stare at her worn face, still beautiful, even through the tests of time, and think about something. In death, who will have Shizuma, once and for all? Who will she choose: Kaori, her first love, the innocent child that even Miyuki loved? Or me, Nagisa, her second love, a sort of replacement for the now gone Kaori? Who will have her?
I'm not one for sharing…
She tells me I'm all hers, I want desperately to believe her, and I allow myself to sometimes, yet…
I admit, I have always been hers, I denied all else. Why could she not do the same for me?...
Because that's greedy, and I love her, and support everything she does.
"Kaori…I can't wait to see you again…I can see your smile, your face…I'm coming…" she whispers as old age seeps through her veins, shutting her eyes. I cry endlessly into my pillow, wishing, sometimes, that Kaori never existed. But that, again, is greedy. Why am I the replacement when I can give her much more than anyone before her…I've pained myself throughout our life, questioning, yet more recently I've questioned than before. I think I should be allowed to be at peace, before Shizuma and I part for a new life…hopefully together. I deserve peace. I've done nothing but think on what Shizuma wants, it's time I think of myself now.
She is mine, I'll allow myself to accept that in what's left of our peaceful, love-filled life. But in the afterlife, Heaven or Hell…whose arms will she fall into?
I do not know, yet I do, but I know this: I love Shizuma with all I am. I am hers, and only hers…forever.
I only wish I could say the same…
A/N: I'm never writing this kind of stuff anymore, I depress myself. (