First of all, I'd like to warn you that this is probably not the easiest text to read. So no need to tell me that x) Second, this is the fic that I've done actively for the longest period ever, so I'm very proud of this. Admittedly, I've done what... one sentence per week. But after near a precise year, it is finally ready :D Although now it's in three chapters, for I thought it to be more reader-friendly. Aaand absolutely nothing from Death Note belongs to me. Thank you. You are allowed to review...
There was a period of time after Mello left that nothing was right between the two top prodigies in the House. One could say they were depressed. To the other children it was rather obvious, as was that it was because of Mello leaving. Not that the adults were exactly blind to this fact either, their behavior being quite different from the past. The reasons were clear to everyone, to both children and adults: Matt had lost a friend, Near had lost all competition. Matt was lonely, Near was unchallenged. Quite simple really, quite expected, quite fitting to the common pattern. Yet no one was prepared enough to fix it.
These days Matt never attended any classes. He would sit in his room all day long, playing hours of videogames or sleep. He spent the majority of his time to sleep. He slept long in the mornings and went to bed early in the evenings. He was actually prone to lie down wherever he was: tables, chairs, staircases, carpets, and quite often, with the lack of anything to lie on, he just threw himself on the bare floor. Usually he didn't actually fall asleep, only lie there lifelessly. And when someone came into the room, he'd jump up and spring away. Usually behind locked doors where some said he would continue his mooching.
Though, he always locked the door wherever he was. It was one thing that no one really saw him these days, but that he locked every door that happened to separate him from the other people at the time, that was another thing. He even locked people outside whenever possible. Technically it didn't matter. Matt always opened the door when it was knocked. It did no one no harm, except maybe to those whose nature was calling or the ones that happened to carry a very low temperance. No one was stupid at the House, so no one suspected that is was about being mean or being jocular, nor was it because of the thrill of locking people inside rooms or wherever. Everyone knew it was about locking himself away from other people.
And even though locking the doors to get away from people, but opening them straight away when people wanted in, didn't seem to make any sense, it did. The plan wasn't to isolate himself. The plan was to prepare himself when others were coming. He wasn't afraid of people. He was willing to face them, talk to them if they wanted to. But for a reason unknown to the people at the House, he wanted to prepare himself for that facing. Now there are two occasions when you do this: one, the person you're about to face is someone important to you, close to your heart or business important, and you need to make a good impression. Or two, you're in a state where people would start questioning upon seeing you, being it your condition or mood or that you were doing something abnormal.
The latter seemed more suitable, considering he locked everyone out, and it was highly unlikely that Matt considered every person at the House as someone that important to him. Still, there were so many options possible, the rumors were bound to be made and sent on their travel. Some said it was something simple, like Matt had started to smoke tobacco, weed or some of the kind and was locking the doors for an obvious reason. Others said he was actually in love with Mello and was writing him letters or making phone calls, but didn't want anyone to know. Mind you, an exceptional majority of these were girls.
Anyway, the plurality said he was crying again for another reason. This was actually a really logical conclusion. Because locking the doors wasn't what caught people's attention. Locking the doors didn't shout at people's face that something was definitely wrong. What did that was seeing how vulnerable Matt was now. How upset he got about little things and how small things could get him cry and yell, and in short, get him out of balance. And really, small things. To put it short, if he lost his pen, he would go around crying and flipping out at people who supposedly stole his pen and didn't care about him or his pen, until he fell asleep.
There was the question "why" that divined people. Some said it was just a part of his puberty. Others said he was crying because of something else, something bigger and those little things just set up what was waiting to be let out. And if it only was a false call, if everything was right after all and the pen was found, Matt would turn quiet, confused, but mostly: lost. He wasn't sure how to react now. After these situations, the former or the latter, Matt usually ended up running away and locking himself into his room once again, even though less showing in the situations where the pen was found. People had said they had heard him cry afterwards.
As said, this divined people, but not much. After a while only a few could still say that it was because of his puberty while keeping their heads up proudly. There was a line between an adolescent committing insubordination and an adolescent having an acute depression level. Minus those who had completely their own ideas, usually with pretty much no support to them, the rest had their chips on Mello. Anyway, seeing that Matt in fact had an acute depression level, the capital cure was to put him to talk with someone. In other words, put him into therapy.
What was quite unexpected, even though it shouldn't have been, was that when a therapist was called over the House, others also went to talk with him. For it had been asked if some of the children wanted to visit the therapist, to draw attention from Matt. This was rather silly because surely everyone already knew he had problems and so the therapy didn't come as such a surprise. Some of those children actually had problems. Most of them wanted attention. Most were feeling left aside because of the attention the two prodigies were having. But it was expected, first the two got attention because they were the most talented, "all great and that", and now they also got attention because they had problems.
They were the best at everything, even in having problems. But those children did not have any bigger inferiority complex than that, they just saw their opportunity to be something special in someone's eyes for a change. Still on primary the subject, Matt did go to the therapist, apparently seeing he had no problems so it couldn't hurt him. And so it turned out, it really didn't affect on him. Nothing seemed to happen. Nothing changed; he was still not fine, still not any better. Except from his view. He was great from his view. And he talked to this view. He talked, he talked much, but he didn't talk about what was wrong, not as the wrong he saw them at least. He was eventually given medicines, but, as it turned out, he never took any.
One day a boy named Tony entered Roger's office. He told that he had been drinking with Matt for some time now. Matt had been drinking to his depression, he said.
Near was never a people kind of person, even though he had people that admired him and who would have followed him anywhere if he had shown any kind of a sign that he accepted it. These days, Near was the one who wanted to follow. He followed through the whole day, to every class, to every play and to every gathering the House had, practically anywhere where there were many people around him. He needed people around him. And literally people, not a person. He would go with the flow, mainly with the people who the most obviously admired him, but would never let himself be left alone with someone. He would not let too many people leave him. No one knew what would happen if he was left alone, because he knew how to prevent that. There was never a time that everyone was alone, leave alone night time.
The fact that he was never alone, took people a great time to notice, even though probably everybody noticed that he hang around people much. But that was rather obvious, how could you not notice it, when the boy had previously preferred most of his time alone. And even now, Near did not actually enjoy connecting with people. He hanged around them, yes, but he'd rather not be taken the notice of. If he was being talked to, he would seem somewhat unsecure, hesitating his every word. You could not say Near feared, that would probably never fit him well, even though his eyes often widened in the kind of way that seemed like he was. He was doubtful, almost to the point where you could say he was paranoid, though you could never prove this since he was always rather calm and never actually accused anyone of anything, just presented questions very much suspiciously.
This also did not fit him, he used to being very straightforward and stable. The latter he never actually stopped being: even though Near was unsecure or paranoid, he would always remain calm and steady. It was an odd combination, but it was clearly possible. And since we are reasoning here, the children in the House eventually came to notice there was something wrong with Near also and came up with reasons to this. Naturally there were many different ideas, but two remained as the most popular. One, that Near had been beaten up or, as some said, raped by Mello just before he left, and he now obviously felt it was his fault and that there was something wrong with him. That would explain both the paranoia and the need to be accepted by people.
This was mangled by others, saying that Near should be more clearly shocked and Mello would never do something that. And this was answered, Near would never show if he were shocked and yes, that was something Mello would do. The options alike to this were so radical they caused a lot of fights, debates between both children and the adults. Though number two in the most popular ideas why Near was troubled was clearly less shocking to people and less problematic, and it was actually number one by popularity. The people voting for this believed it was because Near had lost his one true challenger. Hanging around people and doubtfulness were only ways to search for a challenge and insecurity was just because of the feeling he had now no purpose, which could be rather frightening.
There were other speculations, like puberty again, but then again there weren't as many of them as could have been if it was given more thought. But most didn't give it a thought, since with Near it was harder to realize there were problems. It's much easier to notice someone is doing something and thus has a problem, than that someone is doing nothing and so has a problem. And when we come to that, Near didn't do anything real. As said, he did go to every class, game and et cetera, but he only went there and that's that. He hardly paid attention in class and he didn't actually attend the games children played, just watched from the side. If he even watched, it was far more like keeping his eyes open and head up.
Puzzles or other problem solving tasks he wasn't interested in at all anymore. There were children who tried to get him to make, for an example, a puzzle with them, but he would just question their motives to ask for that from him. And that never led anywhere: even if they had come up with a suited answer for that, in the end he'd just refuse kindly. As already said before, people started to notice something was truly wrong with him rather late. And when they did, there was a shrink at the House ready for him. Near understood right away what was happening. There was something wrong with him or people thought there was something wrong with him. He understood the main idea.
The fact that there were two possible, but different ways to understand things was not left unnoticed by others. He didn't understand, people said, he didn't believe there was anything wrong with him, but the people around him who thought so. And then some said he knew he wasn't alright. He just didn't want to be saved. He didn't believe going through the process of being saved was worth the outcome. He was raped, they said, and it really didn't sound like a bad idea considering the thought. In therapy, Near was as quiet as possible and refused to cooperate. If asked any questions, he did try to answer them instead of silence, though notably differently than with the children. The answers weren't actually answers.
He said he did not wish to answer such questions for personal reasons and thought they were irrational in any circumstance. Unlike with the children, he did not question the reasons or expected outcomes, as he knew those already. That and he tried to have as little as possible mental contact with the therapist. Near did not want to tell the shrink anything personal or any of his thoughts, feelings or memories. The most far he went was to tell how the weather was outside, although he refused to tell whether he liked it or not. This went on and on, and as it became sure it wasn't going to change one bit like it was expected to, the solution was chose to be the easiest one. They decided it was depression, and put him on a course.
On a late afternoon a boy called Chris came and told that Near had been hanging out with a group that rather often drank together. Near had been soberly keeping an eye on them, he told.