Part I
Delphine was doing it again. That thing with the wide eyes and the catch of her lower lip in her teeth. Well, she did that a lot, but this was not in the ways Cosima liked, as in the I'm-stimulated-and-getting-turned-on kind of way, or even the I'm-thinking-about-important-matters-that-concern-me way, but more the something-is-bothering-me-and-making-me-too-nervous-to-speak kind of way. It was the extra wide puppy eyes that tipped her off. You couldn't miss 'em.
Delphine had been doing that quite a lot over the last few days, and Cosima finally decided to call her on it, since the concerned looks and "are you okay"s hadn't done the trick.
"Okay, baby, tell me what's up," she nudged, sitting beside her lovely girlfriend on the couch and bumping her with her shoulder. Delphine kept looking at the reports from work she was reading, clearly purposefully, trying to pretend nothing was wrong.
"Eum, it's just the latest trials with the neural tissue growth," Delphine answered, her voice a bit tight. "We can't seem to get the proper scaffolding at that size..."
Cosima rolled her head to the side, giving her the stop-shitting-me look. She reached out and gently pushed the papers down onto Delphine's lap.
"That's sad, but you know that's not what I meant." She rested her hand on her lover's forearm and stroked it softly with her thumb. "Something has been bothering you, I can tell. And if it's something you're trying so hard not to talk about, I'm pretty sure that means it's something we actually should talk about, sooner rather than later."
Delphine sighed. She loved how observant, caring and insightful Cosima was, but sometimes it made it hard to keep a secret or a thought she was still working on to herself.
"It's nothing, really," she replied, and patted Cosima's hand, "I've just had a lot on my mind, lately. Some things I'm figuring out."
"Hmm," Cosima responded, with a quick narrowing of her eyes. "You're going to make me play Go Fish, aren't you? Not to get all up in your business, but I can tell when it's about something between us, and you know not talking about it just makes you stew and me nervous - not to mention a little annoyed. So, out with it, Cormier." She poked a finger into Delphine's side, giving it a little wiggle-tickle. "Expert problem-solver, at your service."
Delphine put down her papers and pushed her hair to the other side of her face. Her lip caught in her teeth again, and Cosima silently pointed at it, making Delphine roll her eyes.
"Alright, I'm okay. It's just that... you know how wonderful things have been, between you and I, especially since you've been better. And living with you, in our own home, in peace... it's just been a dream come true."
Cosima nodded, hand under her chin.
"Yes, it has, baby. For me, too. But you sound like there's a 'but' in there."
Delphine's hand went through her hair again, eyebrows rising, trying to properly express herself, but obviously still hesitant.
"Non, non non non," she insisted, her French kicking in. "It is like a dream. It is wonderful. And I've been so happy. It's just that... I worry. I... want you to be happy, too."
Cosima looked at her, wishing she could wrap a string around whatever it was that Delphine was fumbling with and yoink it out like a bad tooth. She laid a hand on her girlfriend's thigh.
"Delphine, baby, I am happy. So happy and so in love with you. It seems like you're the one that's worked up."
Delphine raised her hands as if she was about to say something, then put them down again. Her face was screwing up in nervous concentration.
"I know, mon amour, and I love you, too, but..."
Cosima straightened, nodding at the "but" and waiting for the truth to come out.
"... but sometimes I wonder, if you are happy with... how we... how I make love with you."
Cosima's brow now also screwed into furrows. What the hell was she talking about? She felt almost mad, as if her lover, who at this point had learned more ways to seduce her and given her enough orgasms that she thought she might actually be bordering on addiction, had suddenly forgotten it. Was this a crisis of confidence? What in the Flying Spaghetti Monster's name would make this amazing, sexy woman...?
Cosima's hand tightened on Delphine's thigh, and her eyes widened.
"Waaaaait a minute..." She held up a finger, counting back days since Delphine had started seeming off, somehow. "Is this about the other night? When you came home and I was..."
Cosima remembered Delphine's little "oh!" as she had walked into the bedroom. Delphine had been at work at all hours working on some projects for a conference, and had only made it home to sleep, shower, and have a few running meals. Cosima had tried to get her to take some time to relax, but she had just apologized, and said it would only be bad for a couple weeks, but she needed to work overtime until the materials were finished, and then she would surely spend some down time with her love. Then, inevitably, she'd fall dead asleep on the couch with a report or on her desk spread with papers, and Cosima would shuffle her into bed, where they would both conk out for the night. It wasn't like Cosima wasn't working hard, either. She just had decided after nearly dying that she would take a job that allowed her a little more time to stop and smell the flowers, as it were. Now the flower was all closed up or out of the garden most of the time, and Cosima had to entertain herself.
So, it was that night that she'd been noodling around and reading some particularly erotic sci-fi fanfic, when she decided to scratch her itch. Delphine came home earlier than expected, and Cosima didn't hear her come in, because she had her earbuds in playing music, plus she was busy with a vibrator inside her and a hand on her clit, releasing a little tension. When Delphine came in, the little "oh!" happened, and Cosima had opened her eyes and gave a somewhat less concerned "oh" of her own, and then had started laughing.
"Well, hi there. I didn't expect you to come home at this time," she chuckled, her cheeks tinting as she turned off the vibrator and pulled the sheet slightly over herself so she could assume a less compromising position. Delphine wasn't laughing, though. Delphine looked embarrassed.
"I'm... so sorry," she responded, then paused and began taking off her coat hurriedly. "I didn't mean to interrupt you. I just... need to go to the bathroom and then I'll give you some time-"
"Hey, my little cherie," Cosima interjected, her voice reassuring, her French accent still bad. "Don't worry about it. In fact, if you'd like to come join me..." She wiggled her eyebrows.
Delphine paused a moment, seeming flustered, and then came and leaned over to give Cosima a small kiss, then straightened up.
"I don't mean to be rude, but to tell the truth, I'm so very tired. I just wanted to take a hot shower and get some sleep." Her voice and expression were both apologetic.
"Okay, no worries," Cosima answered, and then poked Delphine's leg when the drooping woman still seemed uncertain. "Delphine, it's fine. I know you're exhausted. I'll just finish up while you're in the shower, and then we both can get some rest."
Delphine nodded, but her gaze was on a shape under the top sheet.
"I, euh," she started, "I didn't know you had one of these." She waved a hand loosely at the elongated lump beside Cosima's leg.
Cosima blinked, smiled, and then pulled out the vibrator, all eleven, wavy, glittery inches of it.
"What, this? Yeah, well, this one's just an oldie-but-goodie, I guess. Not my best, but I find it familiar..."
"You have more?" Delphine asked, eyebrows rising.
"Oh yeah, I... well, I guess we've never really talked about this, yet. I just figured we would at some point." She blushed slightly, a sly grin proving any shyness was minor. "But I'd be happy to show you my toy box, if you show me yours."
Delphine licked her lips, then nodded.
"Right. Okay, my love. Some other time, maybe..." She was backing up. "I'm just going to go into the bathroom, now."
Cosima thought about Delphine's reaction for a moment after the door clicked shut. Was Delphine really embarrassed? Should she be embarrassed? She knew that Delphine had been sexually experienced, with men, before they got together, and she also knew that Delphine had taken to sex with her eagerly, quickly, like a fish to water. Her girlfriend had always seemed to have a certain laissez-faire attitude toward the subject of sex that Cosima had assumed was just something... French. Delphine had even taken to pleasuring herself in front of her when Cosima had been too sick to physically participate, although that had been at Cosima's request.
Delphine's voice came quietly through the door, over the sound of the shower. She was humming to herself. That was normal.
Cosima mentally shrugged and figured they'd explore the topic more later, but right then she really did want to finish what she had been doing. A few minutes later and she removed the pillow that had absorbed her final moans from her face. She dropped the vibrator unceremoniously off the bed and felt a wave a warm, contented sleepiness wash over her.
By the time Delphine came out - which did seem to take a while - Cosima had turned out the light and was dozing. Cosima felt her love slide under the covers and instinctively rolled over to snuggle up to her. Delphine laid a kiss on her forehead, stroked her back and settled down.
Cosima had really meant to address the subject again, but things had just gotten so darned busy for both of them. And, being Cosima, she was easily distracted. After all, that Rune Wars competition had been intense. And things had been pretty normal, considering Delphine was at the lab so much.
But maybe things hadn't been entirely normal, after all.
Cosima saw Delphine's pupils dip in a sort of confused pain, and couldn't believe how clueless she had been.
"Aw, honey. Delphine, no. Tell me you haven't been thinking I've been masturbating because I'm not happy with our sex life? I mean, yeah, there hasn't been as much of it as I would like lately, but you have to know how wonderful and amazing and sexy I find you in bed - all the time!"
Her hands were on Delphine's shoulders now, and her girlfriend gave a small nod, before worrying at her lip once more and pushing out her words.
"I, I know that it's absolutely normal to masturbate. I know that I haven't been around much, I haven't been attentive. But I also did not know you liked... toys so much. And I never asked you. And I never had that much experience with them, because..." she shrugged, her eyes shifting, roaming to look away at something else, at nothing. "I guess, in the past, what I did was... pretty straightforward."
Cosima gave her a look.
"You did not just say straight-forward, for reals, did you?" She gave a little snort and took Delphine's hand, tugging on it until her beloved turned back to meet her eyes from beneath a blonde curtain of curls.
"Delphine, listen to me. I love the way you make love to me. You make me feel better than I ever have." She squeezed her hand. "I hoped we'd gotten through this after I apologized for what I said after our first time. You know I was mad at the time."
Delphine nodded again, giving Cosima's hand a squeeze in return, but still giving her those full-on sad puppy eyes.
"So, maybe we have different experiences in the past with sexual expression," Cosima continued. "I guess I've always been pretty comfortable about anything, and had more exposure to some things, so I kind of took for granted that having something of a collection of toys was like, a thing." She stroked Delphine's face. "But I never want you to feel embarrassed or uncomfortable with me, and I never want you to be afraid that I'm not one hundred percent satisfied and delighted with the ways we make love, okay?"
"Mm," Delphine replied, a small, relieved smile playing at her lips. "Okay."
"And like, jilling off is totes different from being with someone. You know that."
Delphine let out a small laugh.
"'Jilling off?' You almost lost me for a second, on that one."
"Mm. I was fantasizing about you while I did it, too, I forgot to mention."
"Oh, really? And what were you thinking?" Delphine shifted closer.
"I had been reading something and... nevermind. Let's just say I was imagining you in a show with 'Star' in the title, and you'd look really great in a shiny, skin-tight outfit."
Delphine chuckled. They both leaned in, forehead to forehead, and shared a soft kiss.
"Thank you, mon amour. And, euh, if there's anything else you ever want to try, or want me to do, I want to learn about it. Any... toys, or whatever. I just want to share with you, give you pleasure."
Cosima smiled. "Of course. I really did just think it was something we hadn't gotten to, yet. I wasn't waiting or worried or anything. I've been very pleasured."
"Good. I have, as well. So much," Delphine answered.
They sat for a moment, cozy, holding each other, smiling softly.
"I even did some... research," Delphine offered. "I've been looking at stores and online articles and things. But there was just so much, and I wasn't sure how to start, with you."
"Aw. That's my sweet scientist. Doing research," Cosima smiled wider, giving her a squeeze. Delphine let our a little hum of pleasure as they relaxed more into the couch.
A few moments passed. Cosima cleared her throat. She was too curious.
"But, um... you really don't have any toys, or anything? Not even a vibrator?"
"Ah, well, yes," Delphine responded, "I do have one of those."
Cosima's tongue snuck out from between her teeth as she grinned.
"Can I see it?"
A quick eyeroll and a fond look from Delphine later, they made their way into the bedroom. Delphine reached into the top shelf of the closet ("aha! I'm too short to get up there!" Cosima accused,) and pulled out a small box. She almost blushed again, but then realized how comfortable she did feel with Cosima, and how much she loved sharing with her, including during sex. She pulled the lid off.
Cosima looked at the small, plastic item inside. There was a pause.
"Really, Delphine?" she finally asked, unable to hold it back. "What does that take, a watch battery?"
Delphine's look turned from one of warmth to a particularly French stink-eye.
"What? I'm just saying," Cosima flailed, trying to defend herself. "Honey, girl, no. Listen, you know what one of the greatest things about 'crazy science' is?"
"I'm sure you're going to tell me," Delphine smirked, recognizing their code words, and waiting for the kicker.
"'Crazy science' isn't just about researching," Cosima grinned, tugging Delphine closer. "It's about experimenting, too." She brushed her lips against her girlfriend's, adding a brief stroke of the tip of her tongue. Delphine's mouth curved into a smile.
"And I think," Cosima teased, her hands slipping down to cup Delphine's ass, "that we have a lot of experimenting to do. For science, of course."
"For science," Delphine teased back, grabbing the waistline of Cosima's skirt and pulling her pelvis against her own. "And, for orgasms."
"Ah, yes," Cosima murmured nipping at Delphine's neck. "Touché, Doctor Cormier. To boldly go..."
Delphine gave her a small hit on the shoulder, and they stopped talking, finding other things to do with their mouths.