Letters to Kurt

by Blackness

Blaine writes Kurt a letter each month and posts it to New York. He keeps Kurt updated on what is happening in his life. Kurt never replies to any of these letters and for all Blaine knows Kurt could have thrown them away. But Blaine keeps writing until he graduates in the hope that maybe some day, Kurt will forgive him and get in contact with him.

1. Chapter 1

20th October 2012

Dear Kurt,

I screwed up. I know that. I really messed everything up and lost the best thing in my life. My life has taken a downward spiral recently and I am to blame, I know it. If I am honest Kurt I may be able to move on from this, but I doubt I will ever be able to forgive myself for all the heart break I caused you. Why did I do it, I hear you ask. I did because I was lonely Kurt, I was so lonely and so low. See I crave attention, I always have. Its one of the reasons I love performing and why I was so set on getting to be a lead soloist in New Directions. I used to get my fill from applause, then you came along, you with your problems and suddenly I had another reason to feel happy and loved. I didn't have to constantly perform to get your attention. You gave me that attention and love, I so craved. You've met my parents Kurt. I often wonder how I am capable of having so much love in me, and being so tactile when my parents can barely stand to be in the same room with me let alone touch me. Then you left, I am so very proud of you Kurt and I am proud of myself for giving you that little push you needed to pursue your dreams away from Ohio. I also hadn't realised how empty I'd be when you left.

I threw myself into performing, hoping to get the high and the attention and be satisfied. But you know what I realised. People will clap for you. People will cheer for you. They'll clasp your hand, maybe give you a brief hug but no one will hold you. That's the new drug I crave. To be held and made to feel wanted. You did that to me Kurt when you were here, and at first you also gave me that in our first month of being away. But then you got busy with work, and then all the confusion, and suddenly when I needed the love and support and the hugs. No one was there. I just needed that attention, I needed to feel wanted, that's why I went to see Eli. I just wanted to be held and made to feel special again. Ironic really the one thing I thought would make me feel special, cost me the most special person in the world and he will never hold me that way again. We never had sex, I couldn't do that to you. I hooked up, I kissed him. His hands started to roam my body, and all the time it felt so wrong. I stopped it before sex. I thought it would feel the same, but honestly it made me feel sick to my stomach. I got home and threw up literally. It's no excuse for what I did to you, and I will spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you, because you are the love of my life, Kurt. That will never change.

I'm seeing a therapist at the moment, did you know? The joys. After what I did, I knew something was wrong with me, I sent myself to the doctors and guess what, I have been diagnosed with depression. I am now a happy pill popper. Oh joy. I know these will take a while to work, I guess I just have to wait till then and continue counselling. I am not saying this to get at you or earn your sympathy in case you are wondering, I am merely telling you about my life. You were always my best friend Kurt and maybe one day, we can be friends again even if I can't have anything else.

So I am writing this to you, You can read it, throw it away, burn it, destroy it, hell even do Voodoo with it if you want to but I will continue writing, and hope that one day, you will forgive me even if our life together was so short together.

Love you always,

Blaine