Sometimes, I find myself thinking about how foolish I am. I was never one to care about how young I was, I always do as I please. How foolish my parents must find me to be. I'm sure both my mother and father are ashamed to look down upon me. They see what I'm doing, and I know they must not like it. I was only supposed to be here for my revenge, and that alone. I'm sure they understood that goal. But if they saw me now... I'm not sure they'd be happy with me.
I, Ciel Phantomhive, The Earl of Phantomhive, falling for the help. The male help, none-the-less. Each day, the thought gets more and more sickening to me. It becomes more and more clear to me that he will never care for me, as I, a human, care for him.
That's what I must remember. My butler is no human, he's a demon. He's only around to serve me just long enough to acheive my goal, and then. Well, he's going to take my soul for himself. I shouldn't expect him to suddenly develop some sort of feeling for me. That would be even more foolish.
I know I must never tell him, that would complicate too much. It is possible that he might think I'm ordering him to love me, which I most defiantly do not want. I try to ignore the thoughts in the back of my head, the ones that tell me he meant to make me feel this way, and he wanted to see me so tortured with these feelings.
It's getting harder to sleep at night, I'm sure he notices. He seems to always be there when I awaken. I remember finding it annoying at first, but now it's just become natural. Sometimes, He'll ask me if something's wrong. I always respond with nothing. If he's noticed my feelings at all, he hasn't told me. I doubt he would ever tell me.
I am aware I act much older then my age, and I am very aware that I am but a twelve year old. You could make an arguement that I have no idea what I'm talking about. However, You'd be very wrong. I wouldn't even be having these thoughts if it was that. I'm not one of twelve year-olds that dreamed of being a prince, nor do did I dream of falling in love. I didn't feel the need for these feelings. They weren't needed to fill my goal, therefore they weren't important.
But then that damn butler had to step into my life. I am very aware I am the one that made this deal, but I had not anticipated these feelings. If I had known, I would of gladly went to hell. Hell couldn't do anything like what these feelings do to me.
I feel... weak. I hate it. Every day, every hour, every minute, I get weaker. Sometimes, it becomes so hard, I don't want to see him. I don't want to see his disgusting demon face smiling at me, listening to my every order. It's all a lie, and I know this. I constantly remind myself of this.
Butler, if I told you I loved you, how foolish would you think I was?