"Serena? Serena? Have you been listening?" I asked slightly annoyed, running my fingers through my hair.
I stared at the blonde goddess before me as her head picked up and her gaze left the window.
"I'm so sorry, Darien" she sighed looking down guiltily. "I just have a lot on my mind, I'm so sorry."
"You always have other things on your mind" I said putting my book down. 'Besides me' I thought bitterly. I shook my head, annoyed at myself for being self-deprecating.
She smiled sadly and stood up, walking around the table towards me. She crouched low to where she was eye level with me, and cupped my check as her nose was touching mine.
"But you forgive me every time, don't you?" she asked teasingly, staring into my eyes.
For a moment I felt the wind had completely left my lungs; forgive her? Didn't she know I lived for her and her alone? I craved her touch every minute of every day, and every time she wasn't around, my head seemed to be consumed of thoughts of her. Forgive her? Why couldn't she just see, I just wanted her to make time for me?
I closed my eyes tightly, if eyes are truly windows to our souls, I didn't want her to see how pathetic I was, how she commanded the strings of my heart so easily. 'Great, I sound like I'm in some stupid shōjo manga' I thought sighing.
I opened my eyes to see hers, blue clashed with blue, and I saw her eyes held a hint of worry. 'Now I'm the dick who's not answering! Answer stupid!' I thought desperately.
"Always" I whispered, hearing even in my own ears how defeated I sounded.
She closed the gap between us by licking my lips. As she began to pull away, my hand acted of its own accord and pulled her back in, deepening the kiss.
She moaned softly, and hearing her respond so sweetly was like fire to my veins. Without breaking our kiss, I moved her to sit on my lap, and she happily complied. As her hands wove into my hair, my hands moved under her shirt-
"Darien!" She gasped breaking the kiss and looked to her bag by the couch, which was beeping nosily.
I sighed and dropped my hands as if they were like stone to my sides as she slipped off my lap. I winced at the friction it caused, but luckily she was too busy trying to fish her communicator out of her bag, as I tried to re-adjust my pants, to notice.
"Right, got it. On my way" she said standing, snapping her communicator shut. "I'm sorry Darien, I have to go. Youma attack."
'Blah, blah, blah' I thought angrily. I sighed looking away to regain my composure. I looked back to her as her stance took on determination, but her eyes looked tearful.
"You should go. Japan needs Sailor Moon, and I'll be right behind you" I said putting my hands on the arm rests about to rise.
"No, don't bother."
I froze my hands still on the arm rests. 'Don't…don't bother? I'm fucking Tuxedo Mask…!'
"I mean" she responded hurriedly, "You have your college entrance exams to study for, and – and, UGH!" she stopped her foot.
I gazed at her curiously, 'Don't give in Darien. Don't give in to her cuteness; keep your poker-face on.'
"I always do this. I always keep messing everything up. I want to spend time with you; I just don't know why I keep leaving so little time for everything!" she growled, wiping her face with her hand in frustration.
"I understand. Like I said, Japan needs Sailor Moon. I don't!" I spat bitterly, not looking at her. I kept my gaze fixed on a corner where I had a plant sitting. 'When the fuck did I even have time to get a plant?
I heard her gasp, and out of the corner of my eye I saw her hand grip, and went over her heart. I was too much of a coward to look at her fully, for I knew I hurt her. My heart was swelling in my chest; I was hurt and annoyed her alter-ego was eating up so much of her time, and like a child, I lashed out at her. Though my alter-ego was useless and didn't possess any powers, I was never in high demand. I was a stagehand who would peek behind the curtain at the beloved actress, who would take a bow to her adoring fans after her grand performance.
Was this our lives together? Her always leaving on a whim while I wait up at night, while my heart would beat violently in my throat, willing for her to come home? How long will this last? Until we took our place as King and Queen, and then she would have time? I was desperate for her attention, and took it out my list of misplaced emotions on her; I was angry I couldn't spend any time with her. Angry I was useless to her in battle as I was in civilian life. Angry I let my emotions get the better of me and rage on as if I was a spoiled child who didn't get their way.
'Jealous.' My mind echoed and I gasped quietly. I was jealous my girlfriend didn't have time for me. 'I'm even more pathetic than I realized.' I shook my head slowly and let out a low breath.
"I'm sorry, Darien. This is what I have to do, it's the whole reason we were awakened-"
I lifted my hand still not looking at her, feeling as if my emotions were on the brink. I swallowed and willed my voice to be void of emotion, "Just, go Serena. Its fine, we'll talk later."
I stole a quick glance, and saw tears silently pouring down her cheeks as she nodded. My heart twisted painfully in my chest, and as heat rose to my face, I felt more ashamed of my behavior. As she turned to walk away, I suddenly became panicky, and half-rose from the chair as I reached out my arm to grab her; I wanted nothing more than to bury my face in her hair, kiss her tear stained checks, and apologize for my actions. But I stopped and regained a composed face and demeanor as she reached the door and looked back at me. It was if I never moved from the chair.
The door clicked quietly behind her, and I was left alone in the apartment. I slumped in my chair, putting my head in my hands. After my horrible display of selfishness and childish behavior, how could I ask her to stay? To even hear my apology? I should be encouraging her, telling her every day how important her work as Sailor Moon is doing for the people of Tokyo. How she is an amazing leader and not everyone was born to be great, but she was. That she had a special power to make everyone smile.
But in the end, I knew the truth. Every day she becomes my undoing, and I fall even more in love with her if that's possible; she brought light into my life and her absence was slowly taking it away.
And like the stagehand, I would never be able to get close to the actress. I would summon the courage to let my barrier down, to get near her and tell her how in awe I was of her; and if she would allow me to, I would make her happy; I needed to make her happy, for me to even have a chance at being happy. Faith, however, would instantly intervene and she would be surrounded by the production crew who would whisk her away. Like an idiot, I would stand alone, clutching the broom as someone yells over to me to pick up the roses that littered the stage, tokens of admiration from her fans.