A LITTLE KNOWLEDGE IS A DANGEROUS THING
Written by Ann Rivers ann.rivers@virgin.net
Summary: Sorry, Nigel, but Sydney does want to know…
Spoilers : Out of the Past
Disclaimer: Relic Hunter and its characters belong to Fireworks/ CanWest
I'm not making any kind of profit from their use here…
just borrowing Syd and her poor, long suffering TA for a little fanfic fun…
This is my first RH fanfic attempt ! Please let me know what you think !
"You don't want to know…!"
It had been the first response to Sydney's anxious, curious question that he could think of.
Judging by Sydney's puzzled frown, however, it had been the wrong one…
Caught between Claudia's sorcery and Sydney's equally spellbinding though still anxious stare,
Nigel Bailey was silently giving himself a thorough, less than genteel British cursing.
Oh, bloody well done, Bailey ! Yes, that was really going to throw her off the scent, wasn't it…?
Of all the things you could have said, of all the ways to divert attention away from yourself,
that will surely go down as the most stupid, asinine, most idiotic effort in… well, ancient history…
Still, given that most people tended to see him the same way, maybe it wasn't so surprising after all…
Except, he guiltily mused, Sydney didn't see him that way. Nor did she treat him like an idiot.
Yes, she often teased him over his fumbling shyness, and fondly joked over their cultural differences.
But she'd never insulted his intelligence… or tried to deceive her, the way he was trying to do now…
No, she deserved better than that. Their relationship, both personal and professional, deserved the truth.
Besides, she'd learn all the gory details eventually. And if Nigel was worried over how she'd react now, God only knew what she'd do to him if she heard such momentous gossip from someone else.
Never mind her throwing him out of the faculty. More likely she'd throw him out the nearest window… How, though…? How the hell could he explain that the only things to get counted in their audit was the number of times Ms Schneider had manhandled him (albeit most enjoyably) onto his desk…?
Or that his indignant protests had only succeeded in the same thing happening on Sydney's desk…?
An audit of a far less pleasant kind now crept into his mind, causing Nigel to physically cringe.
How many of his delicate English bones would Sydney break when she heard about that…?
He was still trying to work out an answer to that question when Claudia chipped in one of her own –
on a subject which, given how he'd teased her over it before, left Nigel more flustered than ever.
"So, how'd the audit go…? Did you and this Schneider guy manage to get to grips with everything…?"
The mouthful of water that Nigel had taken to steady his nerves made a sudden, dramatic reappearance –prompting another exchange of intrigued glances as Nigel frantically wiped himself down.
Oh, this was just bloody great…! On top of everything else, now Claudia really was psychic…! "Apparently, yes…" Sydney retorted, eyeing her now distinctly red faced TA in shrewd amusement.
Toying with the idea of telling him how cute he looked when he blushed, she then decided otherwise. Getting past those charmingly prim British defences could be tricky enough at the best of times,
let alone when Nigel was as flustered and uptight over something as this.
So while Claudia tried in vain to stifle a fit of giggles, Sydney stood and patiently waited –
thinking, with something that went beyond sisterly fondness, that he really was cute when he blushed.
Having said that, if he didn't start talking soon, she might well be forced to change her mind –
maybe get him hog tied on the floor and tickle it out of him.
Now there was an interesting theory… one that, judging by his beet red face, had already been tested.
Sydney then felt her eyes widen in surprised realisation and, perhaps, a growing sense of envy.
Of course, campus and faculty policy had ruled out any kind of serious romantic involvement.
But those policies didn't mean that she couldn't, and didn't, harbour feelings towards her young TA –
and not just the motherly kinds which that shy smile and awkward charm seemed to evoke.
So to find out now that someone else had made a move on her TA… on her Nigel…
Mistaking her surprise for annoyance, Nigel launched into much practised, all out panic mode.
"It – It wasn't my fault…! It – It just happened so quickly, and… and she took me by surprise, and… well, one minute she's throwing all these expenses questions at me, and then… well, she just…
I – I mean, she just… just… right there in front of me, and… oh, hell…!"
Hardly the most cohesive explanation she'd ever heard, but one that Sydney still understood.
After all, she'd had plenty of experience in making sense of panic stricken Bailey-isms.
"You mean she made a pass at you…?" she asked at last, struggling to keep her face straight.
That struggle was promptly lost as Nigel developed a sudden, consuming interest in the floor.
"W – Well, not so much a pass as more of… more a… um… well, it was more of a try, really…"
The fumbling explanation ground to a halt as Nigel stared awkwardly up at his dumbstruck boss –
offering her the most melting smile he could muster before he mumbled a sheepish afterthought.
"Complete with… um… well, several… um… conversions…"
While Sydney continued to stare, Nigel continued to squirm. Even Claudia was lost for words.
Not for long, unfortunately – her attempt at helpful translation of sports terms not really helping at all.
"I think he means she scored a touchdown… followed by a number of successful…"
"Yes, thank you, Claudia…" Sydney cut in, raising a discreetly meaningful eyebrow.
Hint wisely taken, Claudia grinned sheepishly, grabbed her book and made herself rapidly scarce.
Clearly wishing he could do so too, Nigel sighed and resigned himself to a weekend in traction –
that maddeningly dry British humour of his compelling him to remove his glasses in readiness…
No sooner had he done so, however, than slim, deceptively powerful hands gently replaced them –
her smile widening as startled, relieved hazel eyes stared up at her through the newly cleaned lenses.
"Nigel, you never cease to surprise me…" she said at last – wryly thinking how true that remark was.
It astonished her to think how loyally and bravely he'd stay at her side during a dangerous hunt,
often risking his life with… well, yes, frequent cries of complaint, but never a second of hesitation.
Yet something so simple as a little romantic interlude reduced him to a quivering wreck.
Another thought occurred to her. Romantic interlude…? Wasn't that terribly… well, British…?
See what spending so much time around Cambridge educated TA's does to you, she mused wryly –
telling herself she wouldn't trade that time, or that TA, for all the sand-grains in Egypt.
"I – I don't…?"
That soft, refined British accent broke into her thoughts, bringing her back to the matter in hand.
To her relief, the hazel eyes were a little calmer – relieved, and curious now rather than awkward.
Smiling at this, Sydney shook her head while letting her hand settle casually on Nigel's shoulder.
"Nigel, when I said I knew that you could take care of that audit…"
To her surprise, her attempt at reassurance was interrupted with a most un-British vehemence.
"Damn it, Syd, that – that's just the point…!" Nigel moaned, rattled once more as he rose to his feet.
"I – I mean, you entrust me to handle this one simple little task, and… well, it ends up with…
with this shameless vamp of an auditor walking all over me, and enticing me, and… and…
I – I'm sorry, Syd, I just totally blew it… that – that browbeating woman just walked all over me…"
Too unsettled and tongue-tied to continue, Nigel fell silent and dropped wearily back onto his chair – dropping his head into his hands and so missing the genuine concern that now crossed Sydney's face.
Even with only half the story, she'd already filled in the blanks to a scene that no longer amused her.
Painfully shy when it came to dating women, Nigel was equally innocent to his own attractiveness – making him an easy target for any woman who might be wily enough to exploit him.
Promising herself a discreet word with a certain Ms Schneider, she returned her attention to Nigel.
Placing her hands on his shoulders, Sydney gently shook them until he looked up at her once more –
out of eyes that were still more awkward than they needed to be.
Now that she knew the cause behind it, Sydney tried to dispel that awkwardness as only she could.
"Want me to go down to accounting and kick her browbeating butt…?" she asked innocently.
That won her a startled stare – followed by a still sheepish but thankfully easier smile.
"Only if I can come and watch…" Nigel retorted dryly, adding in equally mischievous afterthought, "Maybe pick up a few pointers for the next libidinous woman who throws herself wildly upon me…"
Knowing this was more likely than Nigel realised, Sydney grinned too but remained tactfully silent – that amused silence coming under serious threat as Nigel peered warily at her from under his fringe.
"So, um… you – you're okay with this…? I – I mean, I know the audit was still accepted, in spite of…
well, I – I mean regardless of my little… uh…"
"Brush with the auditor from hell…?" Sydney asked, adding with an innocent yet wickedly sly grin, "So, was she small, bald and fat, like you expected, or…?"
"No, actually she was tall, blonde and…" Nigel corrected, blushing once more as the penny dropped. Enjoying the rueful scowl on his face, Sydney then laughed outright at another sheepish confession.
"Actually, we didn't get off to the best of starts… I… um… actually called her a troll…"
"A troll…?" Sydney echoed, regarding her still rather shamefaced assistant in mock disapproval.
"Why, Nigel, whatever happened to those faultless British manners of yours…?"
"Actually, my dear, I'd given the little blighters the day orf…" Nigel shot back with a toothy grin, deliberately exaggerating his accent from soft middle class to the cream of British snobbery.
Laughing too much to retaliate, Sydney regarded her still chuckling assistant in thoughtful relief.
It was good to see him settled enough to laugh at his latest mishap – even if it was at her expense.
Yet something in those expressive eyes suggested that Nigel still hadn't entirely levelled with her.
For one thing, she had yet to find out why his trance had taken him to, of all places, a firelit cave.
Why on earth he'd acted and sounded like a lovelorn gorilla while he'd been there.
And why he'd looked so adorably guilty when she'd startled him back to reality.
Three highly intriguing questions. With, no doubt, three equally intriguing answers.
And of course, there was still her original, plaintively dismissed question to resolve.
Sorry
, Nigel… she mused, fondly studying her still distracted assistant… but I do want to know…Sydney then grinned as she glanced to where her Indy-whip hung draped over her coat rack.
She might get to tie him down and tickle those answers out of him after all…
Blissfully unaware of the threat to his ribs, a much happier Nigel started to rise from his chair –
casting Sydney a puzzled, suddenly uncertain glance as she gently pushed him back onto it.
That confusion only increased when Sydney came to stand with dubious casualness behind him.
Dropping an arm in a loose hug around his shoulders, she met startled eyes with a placid smile –
in private truth enjoying this contact between them as she leant closer to rest her cheek against his.
"So then, Nigel…" she said at last, absently teasing her other hand through one side of his fringe.
"What's with all the Captain Caveman stuff just now…?"
Just as she'd hoped, Nigel stared up at her with eyes tailor made for that rabbit in headlights look.
"C – Captain Caveman stuff…?" he stammered, trying out another equally adorable expression.
Unfortunately Sydney had seen that wide eyed and innocent trick too often to be fooled by it now.
Beyond her own wicked grin, Sydney's left eyebrow rose – and Nigel knew he was in serious trouble.
Mental images of being prehistorically clubbed into submission weren't exactly comforting either.
Neither was Sydney's distinctly predatory grin… or the sudden closeness of her fingers to his ribs…
"Oh, hell…" he finally moaned, making one last plaintive appeal to his tormentor. "Syd, please…!"
Normally that melting look would work like a charm… but with such a juicy hunt as this to pursue…
So when Sydney simply grinned and shook her head, Nigel knew he had no choice but to come clean. "Oh, alright…" he muttered, further mortified by the prospect of yet more experience of hospital food. Still, with leading such a death defying life, at least he knew his medical insurance was up to date…
Prompted by another teasingly quizzical smile, Nigel took a deep breath and resignedly continued,
"I suppose with having that blasted woman walk all over me, that… well, it just stuck in my mind…
so when Claudia regressed me, my subconscious led me into this matriarchal stone age society…"
Pausing for breath, Nigel then looked up at an intrigued Sydney with his most glacier melting smile – trying to get his hands to cover all the vulnerable parts of his anatomy as he falteringly concluded,
"You were there too, in this cave, with me, and… um… well, you wanted to… well, you know, and…
well, when I wouldn't submit, you… um… well, you… uh… didn't take too kindly to that, and…
well, you threatened me with this rather large bone and… um… well, dragged me outside…"
There, he'd said it. He doubted whether he'd made much sense, of course, but he'd said it.
Now all he could do was wait for her reaction… and hope the bruises didn't show too much…
A still dumbstruck Sydney was now staring at him as though he needed psychiatric help.
Still, he silently groused, she wasn't the first…
Her reaction, when it finally came, took Nigel completely by surprise.
"Nigel, that's fascinating…!" she said at last, blithely continuing before Nigel could splutter a reply.
"Of course, it's more accepted that stone age societies were ruled over by dominant males, but…
well, yes, I suppose it's always possible that in remote locations, matriarchal societies did exist…"
Totally thrown by her casualness, Nigel stared up at her with all the comprehension of a potted plant.
Again, he mused ruefully, nothing new there…
"Yes, I – I suppose so…" he agreed, uneasily wondering where this surreal debate was leading.
A furtive glance around him granted him some comfort. Relics aplenty but, thankfully, no bones…
Sydney felt a little guilty over teasing him, but… hell, this was just too good a chance to miss.
And how typically chivalrous of him, providing her with such a wonderful 'bone' of contention…
"And so in your subconscious society, Nigel, females dominated over males…" she said at last –
fighting to bring a tide of suppressed laughter under control before adding in all due seriousness,
"And in choosing you as my mate, I threatened you… with a bone… so that you'd submit to me…"
Wryly wondering if this had been mankind's first experience of 'Not now, dear, I have a headache….'
Nigel thought for a moment before he sighed and resignedly nodded.
Sydney smiled slightly but said nothing as she continued to trace her fingers through Nigel's hair –
noting, for the first time, streaks of Gaelic copper among the mop of varying brown.
Of course, that softly refined accent hid the fact that Nigel's mother had hailed from Ireland.
And, by his fondly sad accounts, Colleen Bailey's temper had been every bit as fiery as her hair.
She could only hope that Nigel's maternal legacy started and ended with the latter.
"What kind of bone, Nigel…?" she finally asked, still fondly twiddling with his fringe.
That adorably bewildered stare was all she'd hoped for as Nigel struggled to find a cohesive reply.
"Well, I – I don't know…!" he said at last, shrugging his shoulders in rattled frustration.
"I mean, I'm not exactly an expert on palaeontology…!"
Nodding once more, Sydney remained silent for a few moments while she continued to twiddle.
"Probably a dinosaur bone…" she went on – wondering how long she could keep toying with him.
If she didn't allow herself to start laughing soon, she was going to give herself a hernia.
Still straight faced, albeit with difficulty, she then gleefully returned to the torment in hand.
"Was it a straight bone, like a thigh bone, or a curvy bone, like maybe a rib bone, or…?"
Now it was Sydney's turn to be on the receiving end of a look that silently questioned her sanity.
"Damn it, Syd, I don't know what kind of bone it was…!" Nigel finally spluttered in exasperation.
"All I know is, it was a big bone… and when you whacked me with it, it bloody well hurt…!"
Try as she might, that plaintively indignant face now proved too much for Sydney to stand.
A vainly stifled grin rapidly gave way to a chuckle and then a torrent of unstoppable laughter.
Glaring up at her in slightly peeved surprise, Nigel then felt his own mouth start to twitch.
The more he thought about what he'd just told her, the more ridiculously funny it became.
"Damn it, Syd…" he barely managed to splutter before he, too, succumbed to the inevitable.
No sooner had he regained some of that stoic British control than Sydney caused him to lose it again.
"I hope you realise, Nigel… I'll never be able to watch Captain Caveman again…!"
Amongst all the hilarity, Nigel may have been forgiven for thinking he was now safely off the hook.
That false sense of security ended the next morning, when he saw the rota for that day's lectures.
Damn it, she'd given him their Amazon Culture Class… aka The Nigel Bailey Admiration Society…
Two hours alone with fifteen, far from shy young females… God, he'd be lucky to get out of it alive…
Needless to say, Sydney had kindly anticipated that problem too… solving it as only she could…
"Go get 'em, Cavey…" she purred, waving an unmistakably shaped parcel in front of his nose.
Left with very little means of defence, Nigel took the only feasible option to retain his dignity.
Drawing himself to his full if modest height, he took said parcel from his grinning boss – and fled.
Meanwhile, elsewhere on campus, Dr Leo McKenzie was having a few problems of his own.
"Well now, lads and lassies, I was hoping to show you a rather nice T Rex's femur…" he said at last, scratching his head while offering his palaeontology students a somewhat puzzled smile.
"Funny, I'm sure I had it yesterday, when Professor Fox came to look at it…"