I've had enough… I don't want any of this… I never did…
I wish I could go back to being a little kid, playing soccer in the park with Yamato. I miss him telling me "You're doing great Takeru," I miss him picking me up after I fall down, I miss him kissing me on the knee to "Make the boo-boos go away"…
I just want to rewind time and go back to being a little boy. When you're a kid you don't have anything to worry about. You don't have any responsibilities, and you're off in your own world where no one can hurt you! You don't have to worry about driving, about working all day just to keep a roof over your head, and you definitely don't make the people you love… hate you…
I just want it all to go away… Of all people, why did it have to be me? Why did I have to commit two taboos? I've not only dishonoured god but… I practically punched him in the face!
…Why did I have to be gay? …and why did I have to fall in love with… my brother?
I don't know how this all started, but I just know that I'm in love with him… I'm in love with Yamato, my brother. All I know is that my brother is the one person in this world I can't be without, and if I can't be with him I'll go nuts! His smile always makes my day brighter, if I'm upset he'll always calm me down, and if I whenever I stay with him and Dad, he always lets me sleep in bed with him… even if he does sleep without a shirt…
Why must I be burdened with the curse of being turned on by my brother? What did I ever do to anyone to deserve something like this? Whatever it is, I'm sorry! I'll do anything to stop feeling like this! I don't want to be attracted to guys, much less my brother, I want to love girls! I don't want to be up all night fantasizing about my brother giving me kisses, blowjobs, hickeys, and saying "I love you, Takeru, I want you for myself…" before he… GODS! WHY CAN'T I BE NORMAL AND HAVE NORMAL THOUGHTS!?
I've decided I'm tired of all this… I'm not going to deal with all of this anymore…
I pick up a pen and paper from my bedroom desk and started writing. If I'm going to do this, I might as well tell them why…
"Mom, Dad, Onii-chan…
I'm sorry, but I can't keep living like this anymore…
I'm tired of waking up in the morning and wanting to be holding my brother…
I'm tired of falling asleep to the fantasies of my brother pleasuring me…
I'm tired of seeing my brother's face and wanting it to be right in front of mine, looking me in the eye…
I'm tired of displeasing God for my own sick, perverted choices…
I just want all of this to end, and by the time you find this letter, I'll be rid of it forever…
You'll be rid of me…
Don't blame yourselves for this, you guys raised me right and I love you all…
But loving Yamato is exactly why I have to do this…
I don't want to disappoint you all, and I don't want you to have a jacked up son-slash-brother…
Onii-chan, I just want you to know…
I love every single thing about you…
But I can't face you anymore with the feelings of lust I have for you and not burst into tears…
I hope you all will be glad to get rid of the son that was born to be a failure…
Just do me a favour, promise me that you'll never forget me and you'll dispose of my body in a fitting way, like in a dumpster or a burial at sea…
I love you Mom, I love you Dad…
Ai shiteru, Onii-chan…
Signed, your son, Takeru…
I cried the entire time writing this letter, but I had to tell them how I felt before I do this…
…Before I commit seppuku…
After I folded the letter and wiped away my tears, I took it out to the kitchen and put on the fridge where they'd be sure to find it. I picked up one of the biggest knives we had and I held it to my wrist. I cringed as I felt the blade slash through my skin, I did the same to the other wrist.
I watched my blood spill out over the wounds and onto the floor. I was already starting to get dizzy from the blood loss and felt the room spinning.
...Just one more cut left…
I raised the knife up to my neck and held it just over the skin…
Goodbye, Mom… Goodbye, Dad…
Goodbye, Onii-chan…
"TAKERU! NOOOOOOOO!"
The scream made me drop the knife onto the floor. It bounced off the floor boards and spun several feet away from me.
I looked in the direction of the scream… Oh, God, why do enjoy torturing me?
It just had to be… Yamato…
He was breathing heavily and he had a look of sorrow and anger in his eyes.
"O-Onii-chan…"
He ran up to me and grabbed my arms and looked me in the eyes.
"WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?! You know what? Don't answer that right now, just come with me!" Yamato… please stop…
I was so close to being free from all of this stress, all of this guilt… and then you showed up…
He hauls me off to the bathroom and all but rips open the medicine cabinet and plows down all of the bottles and tubes until he finds a roll of Gauze and a roll of tape. He takes one of my wrists and starts wrapping the Gauze around it. His touch is so soft, despite his apparent mode. He still had the same look in his eye, a look of fear and sadness… I've never seen that look before…
"What were you thinking, Takeru?" he whispers. "Why would you do this to yourself? To everyone?" I see tears starting to roll down his cheeks. Onii-chan…
"Please, Onii-chan… don't do this, just leave… It's painful enough doing this alone, I don't want to do it with you here, watching me…" I'm starting to cry as well.
"NO!" he yells. He ripped the gauze off with his hands, and then he took a piece of tape and taped the gauze in place. He grabs my other wrist and starts doing the same thing. "I'm not going to leave you alone! I'm not going to let you kill yourself, and after I'm done this I'm taking you to the hospital!"
"Onii-chan… what are you even doing here?"
"Mom called me and told me to come check up on you, and I'm sure glad she did! If I was a second later you'd be dead!" He taped the gauze tightly and pulled out his phone. "I have an emergency, my brother tried to kill himself and I need an ambulance right away! …Thanks a lot!" he hung up and tucked his phone back into his pocket.
He leans down in front of me and hugs me tightly. "Takeru… don't ever do this again… never again…" His voice… it was so scared… like he it was him that was about to die…
Onii-chan… I'm so sorry…
~x-X-x~
I fluttered my eyes open and was greeted with the sight of my mom and dad standing beside me. They were both sobbing and looking down on me.
"Takeru!" Mom cried. She wrapped her arms around my neck and held me tightly. I glanced over her shoulder and saw my dad glaring daggers at me.
"Takaishi Takeru, what on earth were you thinking!? You had your mother and I worried sick! And Yamato's practically been in shock after you passed out!" Dad screamed.
I gasped. Onii-chan…
"W-Where is he?" I asked weakly. I can barely move, I guess I lost a lot of blood after those cuts…
"Your brother went home, he couldn't even look at you anymore without bursting into tears…" Of course, why did I even bother asking? He knows how I feel about him, I'm surprised he didn't punch me in the face when he came here.
Mom sniffles and looks me in the eye. "Takeru… why would you do this to yourself? There's obviously something wrong and you know that we'll find out eventually…"
I looked down at my wrists, they were wrapped up in fresh gauze and only a little blood was visible now. "I… I can't tell you…"
"Takeru, you can tell us anything. Is there something happening at school?" Mom asked. I shook my head. "Did you and Hikari have a fight?" Shake. "Is anyone giving you a hard time?" Shake. "Is it something between you and Yamato?"
…No shake…
"Is that it? Did you and Yamato have some sort of argument? Whatever it is that happened, cutting yourself is not the answer, Takeru! Please promise me you won't try this again! Because I… I can't lose my baby boy…" Mom…
I looked around the room. I was in a hospital room and I was wearing a medical gown. I guess I was brought here after I passed out, only question is… "H-How… How long was I out?"
Dad turned his head away from me. "…Two weeks… You've been asleep for two weeks… Yamato couldn't even come back here again after he saw you in here the first time. He cried for hours after he left"
My brother… cried for me? He cares for me that much? Hasn't he read…?
The letter!
He should have read that by now, as should Mom and Dad, so… why are they here? Why do they care so much about the son that got screwed up at birth? Why do they care if I die?
Mom dried her eyes and stood up. "I'll go get the doctor and tell him you woke up…" she looked me in the eyes again. "Takeru… Promise me, you won't ever do this again… I already lost Yamato to your father, and even though he's alive I barely see him as it is… I can't lose both of you…"
"I… I p-promise…" That's not entirely true, but… I can't stand seeing my mom in tears. Have they… even read the letter? "Uh… do you guys know… know why I did this?"
They both shook their heads. "No, you never told us…" Dad said. Then that means…
Onii-chan… you didn't show it to them? I mean, if I were him I would have told them about the letter right away…
But, if he couldn't even look at me without bursting into tears… then that means he must hate me…
I'm sorry, Onii-chan, I… I just want to be normal…
"Takeru, you're crying" Mom says.
I rub away the tears in my eyes and pull up the blanket on my bed. "I'm fine… can I be alone now? I need some time to think…"
I hear Dad sigh. "Alright, we'll leave. I have to cook dinner for Yamato anyway…"
"The Doctor should in in a few minutes, he said he wanted to talk to you when you woke up… Oh, Takeru, please be ok… we all love you…" She gives me a kiss on the cheek before she and Dad leave, closing the door behind them.
…Onii-chan… Please, please don't hate me… I couldn't bare it if you hated me…
Why couldn't I have killed myself quicker? If I did I wouldn't have to see my parents' sad faces, and Onii-chan... Oh, God! I don't even want to think about what his face might be when he sees me!
…Did he actually cry when he saw me here?
I turned over in the bed and pulled the covers over my face. I want to go to sleep… and never wake up…
A few minutes later a doctor came in to talk to me. He told me that I'd lost at least 5 pints of blood from my "Venting" as he put it, which is why I'd been asleep for two weeks. He said that anyone else that lost at least 4 pints would have surely died without being given blood, which actually did happen. He wouldn't say who gave it to me, because they requested anonymity when they gave the blood, but he told me it was someone I knew and someone that about me a lot.
After the doctor gave me some food and a few energy vitamins (both of which tasted awful by the way!) he said that I could go home the next day. He gave me a small shot of Anastasia to help me fall asleep and then left. I fell asleep to the thought of Yamato kissing me on the forehead and whispering in my ear "Don't leave me, Takeru-chan…"
A few days later, I was released from the hospital and went home with Mom after the doctor gave her the energy pills he gave me last night and told her to give me two every 8 hours. She brought me a green t-shirt, grey sweat pants and blue sneakers to wear while she drove me home. Not my dream outfit, but… I guess it's better than a hospital gown that makes my butt visible to anyone that happened to be sitting behind me…
"Takeru, when we get home, Yamato will be waiting in your room to talk to you" Mom says, not taking her eyes off the road. "I wish I could be there to talk to you as well, I really do, but your father and I have to talk to some people from work. I'm so sorry, Takeru"
I'm going to be… all alone in the apartment? …with Yamato? God, you just love to torture me don't you?
"A-Alright…" I stutter.
"Takeru… please don't do this again… I don't think I've ever seen your brother so upset before. It was like he lost the will to go on after he saw you pass out… He hasn't slept, he's barely eaten, he's hardly said two words, but when we told him you woke up last night, he begged us to take him to the hospital to see you, but it was after visiting hours so we couldn't. He… he's been crying himself to sleep every night, but last night he… he had a smile on his face that was so wide it nearly split his face in half. He kept that smile on his face all night, according to your father… Please make things right with Yamato… Please, Takeru!"
I looked down at my freshly bandaged wrists. "I… I can't promise everything will be right, but… I'll talk to him, and hopefully he… won't hate me…"
Mom sighed. "I was afraid of that answer… Takeru, I just want you to know that… I'm sorry that you and your brother didn't grow up together like most brothers should have, and I'm sorry that your father and I were never the best parents, but… you need to know that we all love and care for you so much… and we're sorry if any of this is what caused you to try to commit seppuku…" tears spilled over Mom's eye lids as she pulled into the curb.
"Mom, it's ok, it's not your fault… It's no one's fault…" I undid my seat buckle. "Mom, I love you, and Dad and Onii-chan, so much… but I couldn't even look any of you in the face if I had even the slightest bit of hate towards me in your eyes. When I talk to Onii-chan I'll tell you everything, but please don't hate me…"
Mom wiped away the tears in her eyes. "Takeru, I could never hate you…"
I opened the door and gave a weak smile. "Good, keep that in mind…"
"Do you need my help getting up to the apartment?"
I shook my head. "I'll be fine, don't worry…"
"I nearly lost my son forever and you're saying 'don't worry'?"
"Yeah, bad choice of words… just… keep up positive thoughts, I guess…"
"I'll try…"
I stepped out of the car and closed the door. "Bye, mom" I waved goodbye through the window. She waved back, starting to cry again, and drove off. I watched her until the car was out of sight, then looked up at my apartment building. Onii-chan was waiting for me… this should be fun…
I walked into the elevator and pushed the button for my floor. I kinda lied about being fine, I'm still a little unbalanced after not walking for a few weeks, but I rested on the ledge for support until the elevator reached my floor. When I walked out of the elevator, I stood at the foot of my door, looking at it as if it were daring me to come back inside. It took a minute, but I finally worked up the courage to open the door.
I walked inside and shut the door behind me, and then I took off my shoes. The apartment's lights were out, but I could see everything crystal clear. When I walked by the kitchen, I could just barely make out the blood stains left on the floor. The knife that I used to cut myself was back in place in the knife block. I… I actually thought that they'd hide that, they knew that I'd be coming home today. I guess they trust me… either that or their making it easier for me to try again after I talk to-
"Takeru…" Onii-chan…
I turn around and see Yamato standing there, on the brink of tears. He… he looks like he has less blood in his system than I do. His hair looks like it hadn't been washed in weeks and his pale skin and thin figure tell me he hadn't eaten much either.
Yamato runs up to me and holds me tightly. "TAKERU!" he wails, tears spilling onto my shirt. "I… I'm s-so glad th-that you're ok… I-I was so worried…"
I hugged him back. "It's alright, Onii-chan, I'm fine now…"
"NO, YOUR NOT FINE!" he screamed loudly. He breaks the hug and looks me straight in the eye, gripping my . "Takeru, you… I nearly lost you forever, Takeru… that, by NO means is 'Fine'!"
He… he's so close to me… he's only a few inches away from my face… I don't deserve that honour.
I push him away from me. "Onii-chan… I'm sorry that I had you so worried, but…" I have to know! "Did you… read my letter?"
Onii-chan stares wide-eyed at me and looks away. "I… I did, Takeru… I had no idea you felt that way… about me…"
I knew it… he can't even look at me… "I'm sorry, Onii-chan, but I promise that I didn't want this! Please don't hate me! I'll never do this again, I'll do whatever you want, just PLEASE don-"
…No way… NO WAY! This can't be happening! I must still asleep be in the hospital, dreaming, because this can't be real, it can't!
Onii-chan, he… he kissed me… ONII-CHAN KISSED ME! My body fell into shock and I couldn't do anything but just stand there while Onii-chan had his lips pressed firmly against mine.
It was short, but sweet. His lips tasted like cinnamon. I felt his tongue start poking at the rim of my mouth, practically asking for admittance, but my mouth was frozen shut.
Wait a minute… Is he… he's doing this to humor me, isn't he? He's kissing me to humor me so I won't try to kill myself again, just so he can do the job himself!
I regain my composure and push Yamato away. "WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT FOR?!" I screamed. Yamato tried to hug me again, but I pushed him away again. "QUIT TRYING TO HUMOR ME! ME LOVING YOU, YAMATO IS NOTHING TO JOKE ABOUT!"
Yamato pushed through my defenses and hugged me again. I struggled to get out of his grasp until he said something I never thought I'd hear in a million years…
He looked me in the eye with an expression of both sadness and delight. "I love you too, Takeru… I love you so much. I love your smile, I love your face… I love you Takeru… I'm sorry I never told you, but I was afraid that you'd never even look at me again…" he preached. "Please don't leave me, Takeru… I don't want to lose the little brother that I love so much…" he said.
"R-Really, Onii-chan…?" I asked. Is he serious?
"Would I have just kissed you if you didn't mean the world to me? Look, I'll do it again! I'll do it a hundred times! A thousand times! A MILLION TIMES! I don't care, I just don't want to lose the most important person in my life forever!" he said, tears streaming down his face.
O-Onii-chan… he can't possibly be faking this (if he is he's gotta be THE WORLD'S GREATEST ACTOR!). His eyes are bright red from all the crying he'd done and his cheeks were about the same. I… I don't think I've ever seen the Onii-chan cry this much before, he only cries when…
…He's completely serious…
"O-Onii-chan…" I say. He stops crying for a second. "If I promise… not to do that again… will you promise that you'll… always be there for me? A-And never let me fall?"
He nods. "I promise!"
I give a weak smile. "Then… I promise too… Ai shiteru, Onii-chan…"
"Ai shiteru, Otouto-chan…"
The two of us look lovingly into each other's eyes as we lean closer and closer until our lips meet. I feel myself crying, crying because I couldn't be happier than I am right now. For the first time in years, I… I feel happy. I've actually forgotten what happiness felt like until now. I'd been so afraid and embarrassed and upset about loving my brother that I'd blocked out all traces of happiness… but I've remembered what it feels like again, and hopefully, if our parents will allow it, I can keep feeling happy for a long time… maybe even forever…