Better Late Then Never
Ann B. Harding
What would happen if Tom Paris died before Voager reached the Alpha Quadrant?
Note: This story was written before long before the episode 30 Days aired. Therefore the events depicted in that story did not take place, so there was no letter that was transmitted to Admiral Paris when Voyager came within range of Earth.
It stood at the top of a cliff, a white marble building with a clear and dazzling view of the crystal blue waters, below. It could be anything . . . a church, a chapel, even a home. It was none of those. Instead the sterile and mostly silent building was a tomb. A mausoleum for one of the most famous family's in Starfleet. The family's name was engraved in brass plaques informed everyone and anyone that entered the building, just who lay there.
A tall, well built grey-haired man watched as several people leave the building. A tall blond woman, a young Asian man, a tall, well built dark-skinned man, a dark-skinned Vulcun, and one (male?) of a species he didn't recognize . . . must be the guide/cook Janeway mentioned in her reports. But it was the two petite women emerged last who interested him the most. The two women and the child holding the one of the hands of the to the dark-haired woman, her light brown curls blowing in the breeze.
He watched but did not approach , as the small group moved to several land cars. When he was sure everyone had left he entered the large empty quiet room within, passed the rows of brass plaques that marked the final resting place of some of the most famous and respected people in Starfleet. He didn't stop until he reached the last name. The one that shouldn't be there. At least, not yet. There was time when he thought this name should never appear here. But that was long ago... He raised a hand and traced his fingers over the name engraved in the brass. You should n't be here. Not yet. There are so many things I wanted to tell you.... and now I'll never have the chance....
A soft voice broke the silence. "I knew you wouldn't be able to stay away."
What in the... what was she doing here? Why had she come back? He had seen her leave. She and the others that had come for the service and internment. He had deliberately waited until they had all left. He had not wanted anyone around when he said this final good-bye. He hadn't wanted to see the pity in the eyes of some of those that had attended or the scorn he knew would be in the eyes many of the others. What would he see in her eyes? "You did?" he asked as he turned towards her.
"Yes, I did." Kathryn Janeway replied, meeting his gaze steadily with neither pity nor scorn in her eyes, only sorrow and a shared grief.
"I was just on my way to find you." he said staring at the floor, unable to look her directly in the eye. Strange how things change over the years. When they first met, all those years ago, she had been afraid of him...
"Really?" she asked, raising one of her eyebrows. It was habit she must have picked up from her Vulcan security officer. The one she had been looking for when she asked Tom for his help...
He continued studying the floor. "I want... I want to learn more about him." He said at last. It was not easy to say, to form the words. To admit what he had lost. But even harder was admitting that that he had never appreciated what he had until it was to late.
"And you think that I am the best one to ask?" she asked.
He glanced up. She wanted him to admit it. To admit how little he knew about his youngest child, his only son. "I don't really know who I should ask." he said, not surprised by the stab of pain that accompanied the admission. Pausing to shallow, he continued. "But I think .... No I know, that is about time I learned. I want, I need to know just who my son really was." Admiral Owen Paris paused, amazed at how hard it was to say his next words. "And I think that you are the best one to .... Introduce me to him, as it were."
"I'd be glad to." Janeway replied with a smile.
"Are you free this afternoon?" Paris asked.
"Nothing I can't postpone." she replied.
"Have you eaten?" Pairs asked, as they moved towards the door. "If not, there is a tavern that Tom used to go to a lot. He always spoke very highly of it. I've gone there a few time myself. It's not bad...."
Janeway smiled. "I'd like that..." she said as they walked in to the bright sunlight. "If it's the place I think it is.. I've been wanting to see it myself.. "
***********************************
Chez Sandrine was the same warm friendly place Tom had created on the holodeck all those years ago. The only thing that was missing was Sandrine herself.
Owen Paris led Janeway to one of the of the tables in the rear. "The owner of this place was a good friend of Tom's." he said as they took their seats.. "She past away five years after Voyager disappeared. I'd only been coming here for about a year, but it was enough time for me to understand why she had been so important to him."
Before Janeway had a chance to reply, a young woman came over to the table to take their orders. Janeway only glanced at the menu, to confirm that Tom's program had the same menu. After only a moment's consideration, she ordered her favorite meal, or at least was in the simulated Sandrine's. She just hoped that Tom was a faithful with to menu as he had been with the physical surroundings.
She hid her smile at the Admiral confused expression while he ordered his own meal. "It seems you've been here before." he said after the waitress left to place the order with the chef.
"Not quite." Janeway replied with a smile "Tom created, or rather recreated this place for the holodeck." She said. "I think he had planned on sharing with only a few people, but somehow word spread... It was one the most popular relaxation programs on the ship."
Paris smiled. "I'm not surprised." he said. "Tom always could create wonderful holodeck programs" The pride was evident in his voice. "He was very good at the things he was interested in." An ironic, and heart braking familiar, smile spread across his lips. It was almost identical to Tom's ironic smile.
"Kathryn?" Paris asked interrupting her thoughts, "Is something wrong?"
"No, nothing's wrong." she replied, not sure how to tell him what she had been thinking. "It's just that.... Well... I was just thinking that.... Tom had your smile."
All the color drained from the older man's face. "I guess he did." he said, not meeting her eyes. "Or at least that's what Maggie always told me."
"I spoke with her before the ceremony." Janeway said softly. "She seems to holding up..."
"She held out hope Tom would be of the ones to come home." Paris replied, the pain evident in his voice . "She was ... well when heard that Tom was not one of the survivors... it really hit hard. Same goes for Moira. But Kathleen, the family realist, had decided long ago that even if by some miracle Tom was alive somewhere, we would never see him again.." He smiled bitterly. "When we learned that Voyager was in the Delta Quadrant she was even more convinced that we would never see him again."
"What about you?"
There was a long pause, as Paris continued staring at the table. "What can I say?" he took a deep breath, raised his eyes, and continued. "I'm... coping"
For the second time in less then five minutes Janeway could see a resemblances between her former Captain and her helmsman. She had seen that expression on Tom's face enough times. A mask that revealed nothing. He was hurting, but he wasn't going to let anyone in. Or let anyone see his pain. But she also knew that like his son he would deny any such feelings. "I can see that." she said instead.
"So," Paris asked. "How did he like life in the Delta Quadrant?"
What could she say? What should she say? Not the truth, or at least not the whole truth. How could she tell him he thought that going to the Delta Quadrant was the best thing that ever happened to him? How could she tell him that one of the main reasons Tom was glad to be in the Delta Quadrant was that he was finally out of his family's, his father's, shadow? She couldn't tell her former mentor that. But she could tell him one of the other reasons. "He saw it as a chance to ...redeem himself. He wanted to make up for all the mistakes he'd made in the past." she paused to make sure The Admiral was listening. "He wanted to be someone that you could be proud of."
"I didn't realize that my opinion was still that important to him." Owen replied softly. "I thought that....." he broke off, not sure what to say next.
She shook her head. How he could be so wrong about his own son? Almost from the moment she had met Tom, she had known how much he wanted his father's approval. "You must good. My father only accepts the best and the brightest." Tom had said during that first meeting. Even then she could see Tom's desire to win his father's approval. What would Owen Paris say if knew Tom's last words just before he "died" after the transwarp flight was a request that someone contact Starfleet Headquarters to tell the elder Paris he "did it." He done something important... that no one else had done. Something that would ensure his place in history. Kes later told her that Tom had tried to continue, but he died before he could say anything more then, "Tell him..."
"Your opinion meant..." she paused, trying to find the best word, but could only find one, "It meant everything to him." she said softly.
That seemed to make Paris a bit uncomfortable. She watched as he seemed to consider what he had just learned. "What about his friends? What were they like?" e asked suddenly after several seconds of silence. "Did he even have any?"
"He had some problems at first," Janeway said, smiling slightly at the understatement. She thought of all the problems Tom had those first few months of Voyager's journey. Hated by both Starfleet and Maquis. And the smart ass attitude that drove anyone who wanted to become a friend, didn't help any. If it hadn't had been for Harry Kim and Kes, Janeway wondered if Tom would have survived those dark days. "But he did have some very close friends. As for everyone else, he made his peace with most of them. Even the Maquis stopped wanting to kill him after a few months." She paused, as he wanted to know about his son's closest friends... But I'd have to say that the closest was Harry Kim." she said. "He became... almost like a kid brother."
"Kim?" Paris asked. "So that's where they got the child's name"
"That's where." Janeway replied with a smile. as she thought of her favorite Godchild. "And Harry was also the first Starfleet friend B'Elanna made."
"What about her? B'Elanna Torres? What is she like?" Paris asked as he leaned back in his chair. "What kind of couple did they make?"
Again, the sudden change of topics. There was so much they could talk about... so many questions that Owen could ask, they could be here forever. "B'Elanna is..." she thought for few minutes trying to find the best way to describe the half Klingon Maquis, but couldn't find any that would even begin to the job. Besides, she didn't want to left him off the hook that easily. "I think you'll have to meet her yourself if you want the answer to that question." she replied. "But as for what kind of couple they made? Well... you know that old saying about how 'opposites attract?'" He nodded. "Well, in many ways that was the case with Tom and B'Elanna." She smiled to herself at the understatement. In personality and style they couldn't have been more different. B'Elanna was passionate and straightforward. Everyone knew where they stood with her and what she was thinking. Tom was laid-back but complicated, the master at hiding his feelings. She was Maquis, he was Starfleet. B'Elanna had grown up on one the colony worlds, Tom, in the heart of Federation. When they had first gotten together no one thought that the relationship would last. That they to were to different for any relationship to last. There had even been several bets on when, in the words of one Engineering crewman, B'Elanna would "clean Paris's clock"
But in the end, Tom and B'Elanna proved all the skeptics wrong. Janeway was never sure just way. Maybe it was because they shared many things in common. despite all the apparent differences. They understood each other in a way that few on Voyager did. In all the ways that were important they were very much alike.
"She was with the Maquis, right?" Paris asked.
"Yes, she was." she replied, surprised at how annoyed the question made her. "But she did go to the Academy for two years. In fact, she'll be starting classes in the fall in Protocol. And they want her to teach a seminar on creative engineering." She enjoyed the surprised look on the older man's face. "She's a damn fine engineer. And she's been a damn good officer. I think that she's going to go far in Starfleet." Provided she learns to control her temper, that is. She amended silently.
He stared into his drink for several seconds. "It all seems so..... I don't know. . strange. I just can't picture Tom settling down with one woman.." he shook his head. "And a father? He never seemed the type."
"Maybe he just never found the right woman." Janeway replied with a smile. "And as for being a parent... even before Kim was born he was a favorite "uncle" for many of the kids on the ship." She thought back for a few minutes to the times she had seen "Uncle Tommy" and charges playing some kind of game on the holodeck or at party in the mess hall. She could see him treating a child with a mild childhood illness, or treating a childhood injury, calming not only the child, but the nervous and worried parent as well. "He was... good with kids." she smiled.
"Maybe..." Owen replied with a smile of his own. He shallowed, seeming to gather his courage. "How did it happened?" he asked softly.
She knew he would ask that question sooner or later... even so, she really didn't have a ready answer. "I would have thought you read the report." she said, to test him, find out how much he bothered to learn on his own. But she also wanted to stall for time while she tried to figure out what she was going to tell him.
"I did." Owen said. "Every damn word of it..."
"Then you know what happened." Janeway replied sharply.
"I know what happened. " Owen Paris said softly. "But what I don't know is... why."
Janeway sighed. There was no real answer to that question. She could tell him the what, the where, the when even the how, but not the why. "There is no why.... it was just one of those things. He was in the wrong place, at the wrong time."
Owen Paris was silent for several long moments as he seemed consider her words.. "So that's what it is like." he said softly.
"What?" she asked, not sure she had heard him right.
He didn't response right away. "Do you have any idea how many times I've done the same kind of speech that you just did?" he finally asked.
So she had heard him right. She shook her head. Death notification was her least favorite duty, she didn't like to think about it.
"More times then I count. I always said the same thing, espically during the war with Dominion." He tilted his head slightly. "'So and So, died while trying to do such and such. He/she was a good officer and I was proud to serve with him/her.' " he snorted. "Over the years I got pretty good at it. Could deliver it to just about any parent." he stopped and looked at her, bitter irony clearly evident in his eyes. "But I never, ever, thought I would hear it. " The bitterness in his eyes was now in the smile. "Now I have , I don't think I'll ever be able to deliver it the same way again."
It wasn't the transition she had hoped for, but she forged ahead anyway. There was no other way around the issue. "Tom left this to you." she said handing him the isoliner chip she'd brought with her. "According to the message he left me, in addition to the usual farewell messages to the family, there's one especially for you."
"He left me a message?" he asked in a surprised tone. "Even though he was in the Delta Quadrant and we not exactly on speaking terms when he was here?"
"He had faith that Voyager would make it home." she said. "And I think he hoped that you would still be alive when it did."
"Even if he wasn't" he said darkly playing with the chip in his hands.
"Tom was a Starfleet officer." she said "And he was the son of a Starfleet officer. He knew what could happen. And that you should always make plans, just in case." She shrugged. "You know that yourself. That's why we make these damned things in the first place. So we have that last chance to say goodbye. To let the people in our lives know how we felt about then."
"You're right." he said, looking at the chip in his fingers. "I'll play it later." He smiled slightly. "Be interesting to see what he has to say to me..."
Interesting would be one word for it. she thought as he looked around the bar for a few seconds.
She watched as several emotions played across his face. Pride. Regret. Sorrow. But most of all grief. Overwhelming grief. He really had loved his son, he just didn't know how to be a parent. He stared at the table for several minutes with out speaking. She studied him, comparing the image she had of her first Captain to the the man sitting across the table from her. There had been a time when she thought he could do no wrong. But now, she knew the truth. Owen Paris may have been a good captain. He may be a great admiral. He may have been a good father figure. But he had been a lousy father.
The pair sat for several minutes in a comfortable silence, until the food arrived. As they ate, they continued to talk about Tom. Janeway told the Admiral about Tom and some of the more outrageous things he had done on Voyager. And the Admiral had some stories of Tom's childhood. The Admiral was so obviously proud of the young man, and his accomplishments. But Janeway now knew that while the Admiral may have bragged to everyone else how talented Tom was, how bright, and how far the young man would go when he went in to Starfleet, he never told the most important person... Tom. And now, he would never have the chance.
"Would you like to play a few games?" The Admiral asked.
"What?" she asked. The waitress had just left with the payment, and she was now thinking about how she was going to get home.
"Would you like to play a few games?" he asked again, indicating to the empty pool table in the middle of the room.
She smiled. "I'd love to. I didn't realize that you played though."
He smirked. Like the smile, it was very similar to his son's. "Who do think taught Tom?" he asked, his eyes twinkling.
She chuckled as they stood and walked over to the table. "I have to admit, I never asked."
He racked the balls then motioned for me to take the first shot "Ladies first." he said with an air of gallantry.
"Thank you Admiral." she replied leaning over and prepared to break. Ladies first. Men always said the first time they played her. But only the first time.
"I'm glad we're not playing for money," Paris said, when she cleared the table with out missing a shot. "I have a feeling that I lose my shirt."
"Maybe." she said as she racked up the balls. "Your turn."
"Thanks." he said. "I don't think it will help that much, but I'll take what ever I can get...." With that Paris leaned over the tables. He managed to sink a few balls before he missed one. Janeway once again cleared the table...
As the last ball dropped into the pocket, she smiled. "Do you want play another game?' she asked.
Paris shook his head. "Two defeats like that is about all my pride can take." he said. "Did you also beat my son like this?"
"Most of the time," Janeway replied with a smile. "But Tom never made it easy. And there were a few people on the ship who made it their mission to become good enough to beat him."
"He was good, wasn't he?" Paris said as they exited the bar. "Began regularly beating me by the time he was fourteen." The pride was clear in his voice. He could brag to her about Tom, so why had been unable to tell Tom how proud he was of him? She still didn't know.
They walked for several seconds in a comfortable silence. She could see that the Admiral was thinking about everything he learned in the past few hours. And that only been a small part of what he still had to learn. "Is there any way we could do this again?" he finally asked.
Now Janeway hid her smile. She was glad that he had been the one to raise that topic, but she wasn't sure he would be once he heard the conditions. "I would love. But there are certain conditions..... ."
"Like what?" he asked.
"I want to include a few people." Janeway replied.
"Who?"
"I think you know."
Paris sighed. "I assume that two would be B'Elanna and Kim." he said.
Janeway nodded. "That's two."
"And I guess that the other Kim... "
Again Janeway nodded. "Harry is the other." she said.
"The other?" Paris asked. "You mean that is all?"
Janeway nodded. "For now." she said. "I don't want to overwhelm you with to much a one time. But both B'Elanna and Harry have some things they want to say to you."
Paris sighed. "Why do I get the feeling this not going easy." he asked.
"It won't." Janeway admitted. "I'm going to warn you now. You're not going to like some of what they have to say. But I think is important that you hear it."
The Admiral nodded. "I can pretty much guess what they are going to say, but...." he sighed. "What about the young Kim? What does she want?'
A grin spread across Janeway's face. "To see her grandpa." she said shrugging her shoulders. "What I can say? She's only four."
"All right." he said. "I'll met with them." He paused, as if considering something. "I don't suppose there is anyway I could bring someone?"
"You're wife?" Janeway asked.
He nodded.
"I thought you would ask. " Janeway replied. "She has as much right to know B'Elanna and Kim as you do."
Owen Paris nodded. "Then I will contact you in a few days to set up a time and place."
Janeway nodded. She had expected as much. "Then we'll see you there." she said.
***********************
Owen Paris sat in his office, gazing out window, as the sun rose over the mountains. He'd been there all night, thinking about everything he had learned. He glanced over to the computer, to the small chip lying next to it. Taking a depth breath, he stood and walked to his desk. He glanced and the chip again. Play the damn thing already. he told himself. But as much as he wanted to, he couldn't. Not yet. There were still some things he needed to do. "Computer, access the files I had downloaded yesterday." he said. "Sort by the filer rank, name, date."
"Working," the computer said. "Sorting completed. Files are ready for viewing."
Owen sighed and took a deep breath. Gathering his courage he began reading the files that would tell him more about a young man he never really knew, even though the young man had been his only son. He had never made the effort to get to know who his child really was, but now he had been given a chance to rectify that. And maybe somehow Tom would know of his fathers' interest. even if it was far, far to late. But, he told himself, as he began to read Kathryn Janeway's less than stellar first impressions of his son better late then never.
Ann B. Harding
What would happen if Tom Paris died before Voager reached the Alpha Quadrant?
Note: This story was written before long before the episode 30 Days aired. Therefore the events depicted in that story did not take place, so there was no letter that was transmitted to Admiral Paris when Voyager came within range of Earth.
It stood at the top of a cliff, a white marble building with a clear and dazzling view of the crystal blue waters, below. It could be anything . . . a church, a chapel, even a home. It was none of those. Instead the sterile and mostly silent building was a tomb. A mausoleum for one of the most famous family's in Starfleet. The family's name was engraved in brass plaques informed everyone and anyone that entered the building, just who lay there.
A tall, well built grey-haired man watched as several people leave the building. A tall blond woman, a young Asian man, a tall, well built dark-skinned man, a dark-skinned Vulcun, and one (male?) of a species he didn't recognize . . . must be the guide/cook Janeway mentioned in her reports. But it was the two petite women emerged last who interested him the most. The two women and the child holding the one of the hands of the to the dark-haired woman, her light brown curls blowing in the breeze.
He watched but did not approach , as the small group moved to several land cars. When he was sure everyone had left he entered the large empty quiet room within, passed the rows of brass plaques that marked the final resting place of some of the most famous and respected people in Starfleet. He didn't stop until he reached the last name. The one that shouldn't be there. At least, not yet. There was time when he thought this name should never appear here. But that was long ago... He raised a hand and traced his fingers over the name engraved in the brass. You should n't be here. Not yet. There are so many things I wanted to tell you.... and now I'll never have the chance....
A soft voice broke the silence. "I knew you wouldn't be able to stay away."
What in the... what was she doing here? Why had she come back? He had seen her leave. She and the others that had come for the service and internment. He had deliberately waited until they had all left. He had not wanted anyone around when he said this final good-bye. He hadn't wanted to see the pity in the eyes of some of those that had attended or the scorn he knew would be in the eyes many of the others. What would he see in her eyes? "You did?" he asked as he turned towards her.
"Yes, I did." Kathryn Janeway replied, meeting his gaze steadily with neither pity nor scorn in her eyes, only sorrow and a shared grief.
"I was just on my way to find you." he said staring at the floor, unable to look her directly in the eye. Strange how things change over the years. When they first met, all those years ago, she had been afraid of him...
"Really?" she asked, raising one of her eyebrows. It was habit she must have picked up from her Vulcan security officer. The one she had been looking for when she asked Tom for his help...
He continued studying the floor. "I want... I want to learn more about him." He said at last. It was not easy to say, to form the words. To admit what he had lost. But even harder was admitting that that he had never appreciated what he had until it was to late.
"And you think that I am the best one to ask?" she asked.
He glanced up. She wanted him to admit it. To admit how little he knew about his youngest child, his only son. "I don't really know who I should ask." he said, not surprised by the stab of pain that accompanied the admission. Pausing to shallow, he continued. "But I think .... No I know, that is about time I learned. I want, I need to know just who my son really was." Admiral Owen Paris paused, amazed at how hard it was to say his next words. "And I think that you are the best one to .... Introduce me to him, as it were."
"I'd be glad to." Janeway replied with a smile.
"Are you free this afternoon?" Paris asked.
"Nothing I can't postpone." she replied.
"Have you eaten?" Pairs asked, as they moved towards the door. "If not, there is a tavern that Tom used to go to a lot. He always spoke very highly of it. I've gone there a few time myself. It's not bad...."
Janeway smiled. "I'd like that..." she said as they walked in to the bright sunlight. "If it's the place I think it is.. I've been wanting to see it myself.. "
***********************************
Chez Sandrine was the same warm friendly place Tom had created on the holodeck all those years ago. The only thing that was missing was Sandrine herself.
Owen Paris led Janeway to one of the of the tables in the rear. "The owner of this place was a good friend of Tom's." he said as they took their seats.. "She past away five years after Voyager disappeared. I'd only been coming here for about a year, but it was enough time for me to understand why she had been so important to him."
Before Janeway had a chance to reply, a young woman came over to the table to take their orders. Janeway only glanced at the menu, to confirm that Tom's program had the same menu. After only a moment's consideration, she ordered her favorite meal, or at least was in the simulated Sandrine's. She just hoped that Tom was a faithful with to menu as he had been with the physical surroundings.
She hid her smile at the Admiral confused expression while he ordered his own meal. "It seems you've been here before." he said after the waitress left to place the order with the chef.
"Not quite." Janeway replied with a smile "Tom created, or rather recreated this place for the holodeck." She said. "I think he had planned on sharing with only a few people, but somehow word spread... It was one the most popular relaxation programs on the ship."
Paris smiled. "I'm not surprised." he said. "Tom always could create wonderful holodeck programs" The pride was evident in his voice. "He was very good at the things he was interested in." An ironic, and heart braking familiar, smile spread across his lips. It was almost identical to Tom's ironic smile.
"Kathryn?" Paris asked interrupting her thoughts, "Is something wrong?"
"No, nothing's wrong." she replied, not sure how to tell him what she had been thinking. "It's just that.... Well... I was just thinking that.... Tom had your smile."
All the color drained from the older man's face. "I guess he did." he said, not meeting her eyes. "Or at least that's what Maggie always told me."
"I spoke with her before the ceremony." Janeway said softly. "She seems to holding up..."
"She held out hope Tom would be of the ones to come home." Paris replied, the pain evident in his voice . "She was ... well when heard that Tom was not one of the survivors... it really hit hard. Same goes for Moira. But Kathleen, the family realist, had decided long ago that even if by some miracle Tom was alive somewhere, we would never see him again.." He smiled bitterly. "When we learned that Voyager was in the Delta Quadrant she was even more convinced that we would never see him again."
"What about you?"
There was a long pause, as Paris continued staring at the table. "What can I say?" he took a deep breath, raised his eyes, and continued. "I'm... coping"
For the second time in less then five minutes Janeway could see a resemblances between her former Captain and her helmsman. She had seen that expression on Tom's face enough times. A mask that revealed nothing. He was hurting, but he wasn't going to let anyone in. Or let anyone see his pain. But she also knew that like his son he would deny any such feelings. "I can see that." she said instead.
"So," Paris asked. "How did he like life in the Delta Quadrant?"
What could she say? What should she say? Not the truth, or at least not the whole truth. How could she tell him he thought that going to the Delta Quadrant was the best thing that ever happened to him? How could she tell him that one of the main reasons Tom was glad to be in the Delta Quadrant was that he was finally out of his family's, his father's, shadow? She couldn't tell her former mentor that. But she could tell him one of the other reasons. "He saw it as a chance to ...redeem himself. He wanted to make up for all the mistakes he'd made in the past." she paused to make sure The Admiral was listening. "He wanted to be someone that you could be proud of."
"I didn't realize that my opinion was still that important to him." Owen replied softly. "I thought that....." he broke off, not sure what to say next.
She shook her head. How he could be so wrong about his own son? Almost from the moment she had met Tom, she had known how much he wanted his father's approval. "You must good. My father only accepts the best and the brightest." Tom had said during that first meeting. Even then she could see Tom's desire to win his father's approval. What would Owen Paris say if knew Tom's last words just before he "died" after the transwarp flight was a request that someone contact Starfleet Headquarters to tell the elder Paris he "did it." He done something important... that no one else had done. Something that would ensure his place in history. Kes later told her that Tom had tried to continue, but he died before he could say anything more then, "Tell him..."
"Your opinion meant..." she paused, trying to find the best word, but could only find one, "It meant everything to him." she said softly.
That seemed to make Paris a bit uncomfortable. She watched as he seemed to consider what he had just learned. "What about his friends? What were they like?" e asked suddenly after several seconds of silence. "Did he even have any?"
"He had some problems at first," Janeway said, smiling slightly at the understatement. She thought of all the problems Tom had those first few months of Voyager's journey. Hated by both Starfleet and Maquis. And the smart ass attitude that drove anyone who wanted to become a friend, didn't help any. If it hadn't had been for Harry Kim and Kes, Janeway wondered if Tom would have survived those dark days. "But he did have some very close friends. As for everyone else, he made his peace with most of them. Even the Maquis stopped wanting to kill him after a few months." She paused, as he wanted to know about his son's closest friends... But I'd have to say that the closest was Harry Kim." she said. "He became... almost like a kid brother."
"Kim?" Paris asked. "So that's where they got the child's name"
"That's where." Janeway replied with a smile. as she thought of her favorite Godchild. "And Harry was also the first Starfleet friend B'Elanna made."
"What about her? B'Elanna Torres? What is she like?" Paris asked as he leaned back in his chair. "What kind of couple did they make?"
Again, the sudden change of topics. There was so much they could talk about... so many questions that Owen could ask, they could be here forever. "B'Elanna is..." she thought for few minutes trying to find the best way to describe the half Klingon Maquis, but couldn't find any that would even begin to the job. Besides, she didn't want to left him off the hook that easily. "I think you'll have to meet her yourself if you want the answer to that question." she replied. "But as for what kind of couple they made? Well... you know that old saying about how 'opposites attract?'" He nodded. "Well, in many ways that was the case with Tom and B'Elanna." She smiled to herself at the understatement. In personality and style they couldn't have been more different. B'Elanna was passionate and straightforward. Everyone knew where they stood with her and what she was thinking. Tom was laid-back but complicated, the master at hiding his feelings. She was Maquis, he was Starfleet. B'Elanna had grown up on one the colony worlds, Tom, in the heart of Federation. When they had first gotten together no one thought that the relationship would last. That they to were to different for any relationship to last. There had even been several bets on when, in the words of one Engineering crewman, B'Elanna would "clean Paris's clock"
But in the end, Tom and B'Elanna proved all the skeptics wrong. Janeway was never sure just way. Maybe it was because they shared many things in common. despite all the apparent differences. They understood each other in a way that few on Voyager did. In all the ways that were important they were very much alike.
"She was with the Maquis, right?" Paris asked.
"Yes, she was." she replied, surprised at how annoyed the question made her. "But she did go to the Academy for two years. In fact, she'll be starting classes in the fall in Protocol. And they want her to teach a seminar on creative engineering." She enjoyed the surprised look on the older man's face. "She's a damn fine engineer. And she's been a damn good officer. I think that she's going to go far in Starfleet." Provided she learns to control her temper, that is. She amended silently.
He stared into his drink for several seconds. "It all seems so..... I don't know. . strange. I just can't picture Tom settling down with one woman.." he shook his head. "And a father? He never seemed the type."
"Maybe he just never found the right woman." Janeway replied with a smile. "And as for being a parent... even before Kim was born he was a favorite "uncle" for many of the kids on the ship." She thought back for a few minutes to the times she had seen "Uncle Tommy" and charges playing some kind of game on the holodeck or at party in the mess hall. She could see him treating a child with a mild childhood illness, or treating a childhood injury, calming not only the child, but the nervous and worried parent as well. "He was... good with kids." she smiled.
"Maybe..." Owen replied with a smile of his own. He shallowed, seeming to gather his courage. "How did it happened?" he asked softly.
She knew he would ask that question sooner or later... even so, she really didn't have a ready answer. "I would have thought you read the report." she said, to test him, find out how much he bothered to learn on his own. But she also wanted to stall for time while she tried to figure out what she was going to tell him.
"I did." Owen said. "Every damn word of it..."
"Then you know what happened." Janeway replied sharply.
"I know what happened. " Owen Paris said softly. "But what I don't know is... why."
Janeway sighed. There was no real answer to that question. She could tell him the what, the where, the when even the how, but not the why. "There is no why.... it was just one of those things. He was in the wrong place, at the wrong time."
Owen Paris was silent for several long moments as he seemed consider her words.. "So that's what it is like." he said softly.
"What?" she asked, not sure she had heard him right.
He didn't response right away. "Do you have any idea how many times I've done the same kind of speech that you just did?" he finally asked.
So she had heard him right. She shook her head. Death notification was her least favorite duty, she didn't like to think about it.
"More times then I count. I always said the same thing, espically during the war with Dominion." He tilted his head slightly. "'So and So, died while trying to do such and such. He/she was a good officer and I was proud to serve with him/her.' " he snorted. "Over the years I got pretty good at it. Could deliver it to just about any parent." he stopped and looked at her, bitter irony clearly evident in his eyes. "But I never, ever, thought I would hear it. " The bitterness in his eyes was now in the smile. "Now I have , I don't think I'll ever be able to deliver it the same way again."
It wasn't the transition she had hoped for, but she forged ahead anyway. There was no other way around the issue. "Tom left this to you." she said handing him the isoliner chip she'd brought with her. "According to the message he left me, in addition to the usual farewell messages to the family, there's one especially for you."
"He left me a message?" he asked in a surprised tone. "Even though he was in the Delta Quadrant and we not exactly on speaking terms when he was here?"
"He had faith that Voyager would make it home." she said. "And I think he hoped that you would still be alive when it did."
"Even if he wasn't" he said darkly playing with the chip in his hands.
"Tom was a Starfleet officer." she said "And he was the son of a Starfleet officer. He knew what could happen. And that you should always make plans, just in case." She shrugged. "You know that yourself. That's why we make these damned things in the first place. So we have that last chance to say goodbye. To let the people in our lives know how we felt about then."
"You're right." he said, looking at the chip in his fingers. "I'll play it later." He smiled slightly. "Be interesting to see what he has to say to me..."
Interesting would be one word for it. she thought as he looked around the bar for a few seconds.
She watched as several emotions played across his face. Pride. Regret. Sorrow. But most of all grief. Overwhelming grief. He really had loved his son, he just didn't know how to be a parent. He stared at the table for several minutes with out speaking. She studied him, comparing the image she had of her first Captain to the the man sitting across the table from her. There had been a time when she thought he could do no wrong. But now, she knew the truth. Owen Paris may have been a good captain. He may be a great admiral. He may have been a good father figure. But he had been a lousy father.
The pair sat for several minutes in a comfortable silence, until the food arrived. As they ate, they continued to talk about Tom. Janeway told the Admiral about Tom and some of the more outrageous things he had done on Voyager. And the Admiral had some stories of Tom's childhood. The Admiral was so obviously proud of the young man, and his accomplishments. But Janeway now knew that while the Admiral may have bragged to everyone else how talented Tom was, how bright, and how far the young man would go when he went in to Starfleet, he never told the most important person... Tom. And now, he would never have the chance.
"Would you like to play a few games?" The Admiral asked.
"What?" she asked. The waitress had just left with the payment, and she was now thinking about how she was going to get home.
"Would you like to play a few games?" he asked again, indicating to the empty pool table in the middle of the room.
She smiled. "I'd love to. I didn't realize that you played though."
He smirked. Like the smile, it was very similar to his son's. "Who do think taught Tom?" he asked, his eyes twinkling.
She chuckled as they stood and walked over to the table. "I have to admit, I never asked."
He racked the balls then motioned for me to take the first shot "Ladies first." he said with an air of gallantry.
"Thank you Admiral." she replied leaning over and prepared to break. Ladies first. Men always said the first time they played her. But only the first time.
"I'm glad we're not playing for money," Paris said, when she cleared the table with out missing a shot. "I have a feeling that I lose my shirt."
"Maybe." she said as she racked up the balls. "Your turn."
"Thanks." he said. "I don't think it will help that much, but I'll take what ever I can get...." With that Paris leaned over the tables. He managed to sink a few balls before he missed one. Janeway once again cleared the table...
As the last ball dropped into the pocket, she smiled. "Do you want play another game?' she asked.
Paris shook his head. "Two defeats like that is about all my pride can take." he said. "Did you also beat my son like this?"
"Most of the time," Janeway replied with a smile. "But Tom never made it easy. And there were a few people on the ship who made it their mission to become good enough to beat him."
"He was good, wasn't he?" Paris said as they exited the bar. "Began regularly beating me by the time he was fourteen." The pride was clear in his voice. He could brag to her about Tom, so why had been unable to tell Tom how proud he was of him? She still didn't know.
They walked for several seconds in a comfortable silence. She could see that the Admiral was thinking about everything he learned in the past few hours. And that only been a small part of what he still had to learn. "Is there any way we could do this again?" he finally asked.
Now Janeway hid her smile. She was glad that he had been the one to raise that topic, but she wasn't sure he would be once he heard the conditions. "I would love. But there are certain conditions..... ."
"Like what?" he asked.
"I want to include a few people." Janeway replied.
"Who?"
"I think you know."
Paris sighed. "I assume that two would be B'Elanna and Kim." he said.
Janeway nodded. "That's two."
"And I guess that the other Kim... "
Again Janeway nodded. "Harry is the other." she said.
"The other?" Paris asked. "You mean that is all?"
Janeway nodded. "For now." she said. "I don't want to overwhelm you with to much a one time. But both B'Elanna and Harry have some things they want to say to you."
Paris sighed. "Why do I get the feeling this not going easy." he asked.
"It won't." Janeway admitted. "I'm going to warn you now. You're not going to like some of what they have to say. But I think is important that you hear it."
The Admiral nodded. "I can pretty much guess what they are going to say, but...." he sighed. "What about the young Kim? What does she want?'
A grin spread across Janeway's face. "To see her grandpa." she said shrugging her shoulders. "What I can say? She's only four."
"All right." he said. "I'll met with them." He paused, as if considering something. "I don't suppose there is anyway I could bring someone?"
"You're wife?" Janeway asked.
He nodded.
"I thought you would ask. " Janeway replied. "She has as much right to know B'Elanna and Kim as you do."
Owen Paris nodded. "Then I will contact you in a few days to set up a time and place."
Janeway nodded. She had expected as much. "Then we'll see you there." she said.
***********************
Owen Paris sat in his office, gazing out window, as the sun rose over the mountains. He'd been there all night, thinking about everything he had learned. He glanced over to the computer, to the small chip lying next to it. Taking a depth breath, he stood and walked to his desk. He glanced and the chip again. Play the damn thing already. he told himself. But as much as he wanted to, he couldn't. Not yet. There were still some things he needed to do. "Computer, access the files I had downloaded yesterday." he said. "Sort by the filer rank, name, date."
"Working," the computer said. "Sorting completed. Files are ready for viewing."
Owen sighed and took a deep breath. Gathering his courage he began reading the files that would tell him more about a young man he never really knew, even though the young man had been his only son. He had never made the effort to get to know who his child really was, but now he had been given a chance to rectify that. And maybe somehow Tom would know of his fathers' interest. even if it was far, far to late. But, he told himself, as he began to read Kathryn Janeway's less than stellar first impressions of his son better late then never.