My decision was made. Today would be the last day I would linger in Bella's life.
As the daylight slowly sauntered into her room, I realized I needed to leave. Bella stirred, beginning to awake. I kissed her forehead – one last time, I told myself – and ducked out of her window. I ran home as fast as possible, trying not to think of her face. When I reached the house, I was unsurprised by the silence. All of them had already left for Denali – except for Alice and Jasper, who had gone further west…Alice would help him. I got into my car, and raced towards Forks High to meet Bella – one last time.
I parked in my usual spot and got out, awaiting her arrival. I took a deep breath, but it didn't relieve me. The air was getting thicker, much less pleasant than I remembered it to be. But I knew it was nothing compared to what was to come. I could almost feel the strength and power of the inevitable pain that was surely – depending on how cowardly I was – to come within a few hours.
Finally, I heard her ancient truck wheeze its way into the parking lot. She parked not far from me. I looked around -- making sure there was no one watching -- before I ran over to her. I opened her door for her, trying to make things seem as normal as possible. Seeing her face sent a stab into my chest – I tried not to look into the chocolate depths of her eyes, positive that I would crumble if I did.
"How do you feel?" I asked, inquiring on the injury I had caused.
"Perfect." She replied, and I slammed her car door. I wanted to lift her chin up to read her face, or ask her what was wrong…
No.
I said nothing, did nothing. I wanted to reach out and take her hand – but that would be wrong. A mistake. She needed to believe the horrifying lie that I was to tell, and it was the only right way left.
The day passed slowly. Occasionally I would make sure to ask her about her arm, but her response was always the same. I pretended not to care. At lunch, I noticed Bella looking for Alice through the crowd. And still, I said nothing. I spent the time crushing a granola bar in my fingers, keeping my face as blank as possible.
"Where's Alice?" Bella asked, anxiety coloring her beautiful voice. The dilemma I'd faced in my mind for the past few days demanded my attention.
You should stay…she needs your protection, if nothing else…
Bella deserves a life away from danger…away from you. She deserves better than you.
I tried to beat back the conflict. I'd made my decision. Bella deserved a life.
I looked down at the pulverized granola bar in my hands.
"She's with Jasper." I tried not to lie while I could. Not that it would matter. The biggest lie was yet to come, and there would be no making up for it. I also tried not to think of Alice, and her smug thoughts…she was positive I would fail, positive I could not stay away…but there was no going back now.
"Is he okay?" She asked, concerned. How I would miss the sound of her voice…
"He's gone away for a while." I answered.
"What? Where?"
I shrugged. "Nowhere in particular." I wouldn't leave her with anything to worry about. My presence in her life would just be a horrible nightmare…hopefully one she would forget quickly.
"And Alice, too." She said wistfully, and the urge to comfort her was strong. I tried to ignore it.
"Yes. She'll be gone for a while. She was trying to convince him to go to Denali."
Her wistful expression turned into one of pure sadness. Her entire frame seemed to shudder under it. It nearly broke my resistance, just like it broke my heart. I almost got down on my knees right there and told her everything. But then I pictured her smiling face, knowing that the only true happiness she would ever know would not involve me.
"Is your arm bothering you?" I asked instead.
"Who cares about my stupid arm?" She muttered, putting her head down on the table. I care…I'll always care…Just like I'll always love you…
When the day ended, I walked her to her truck.
"You'll come over later tonight?" She asked, but she seemed uncertain.
"Later?" I asked. I wanted to finish the horrid deed I had told myself I would do.
"I have to work. I had to trade with Mrs. Newton to get yesterday off." She answered, her tone a little happier.
"Oh." I murmured. Suddenly, I realized I couldn't do it. Not today. I was such a coward. One more day, I told myself.
"So you'll come over when I'm home, though, right?" She asked, unsure again.
"If you want me to." I muttered.
"I always want you." She replied intensely, sending another deep stab of pain into my chest. I wanted to kiss her, to forget my stupid plans…How could I leave?
No. No, no, no. Bella deserves a life.
The truth of those thoughts brought back a bit of my strength. For her, I could do it. For Bella, I would do anything…
"All right, then."
But I still couldn't resist her. I leaned in, and kissed her forehead instead, feeling her warmth vibrate through me one last time. I couldn't touch her anymore…I wouldn't.
I turned my back on her, and ran to my car. I sat in the driver's seat, watching her truck leave the parking lot before I lost control of my façade. I let my head drop into my hands, leaning my face against the steering wheel. Pain washed through me. I was such a coward – I should've ended it already… I was already milking my time with her for much more than I ever deserved. I banged my head against the steering wheel twice, using little strength. Suddenly, memories of her birthday party entered my thoughts…I tried to think only of the time before the catastrophe. Before her sweet blood had dripped onto the floor…Before the monster within me had been tempted beyond belief. I remembered her face while she opened her presents – I stopped right there, lifting my head. Her presents. How could I expect her to continue on with physical memories of me still lying around?
Suddenly, my strength returned. I turned my car on, and left the parking lot, heading straight for Bella's house. I parked in front of her house. Charlie wasn't home yet. But as I stayed in the car, a new thought coming to mind. She might notice if her things went missing now. I would have to wait…
I sighed, disliking the amount of free time I had. I put on a CD that usually calmed me, but today it did little. It just sounded like noise. I shut it off. At least it had wasted time. Charlie's cruiser was parking into the driveway. He got out, carrying a pizza box in his hands. He looked around and spotted my car, motioning for me to come in.
I sighed and followed him into the house. We had little conversation, for which I was grateful. He offered me pizza, and I declined. We just sat there in the living room, watching ESPN. My eyes stayed on the TV, trying to distract myself. It wasn't long before I heard Bella's truck down the road, then in the driveway. She walked in the door.
"Dad? Edward?" She called. I kept my eyes on the TV.
"In here." Charlie responded.
I heard her hang her coat up and then enter the room. I didn't look up at first, although I was dying to.
"Hi." She said, anxious again. Could she sense what was coming?
"Hey, Bella. We just had cold pizza. I think it's still on the table." Charlie said.
"Okay."
When I decided I could take it no longer, I looked up at her. I tried to keep my face blank. I smiled slightly, but it felt all wrong. "I'll be right behind you." I said, although I knew this was a lie.
I looked back at the TV, but I listened to other things. Bella went into the kitchen, but I didn't hear the pizza box open. Instead, I heard a chair squeak. What was she doing? My brow furrowed, aching to go into the kitchen. I didn't. I heard her sigh, I heard her flip her scrapbook page open. I heard her go upstairs, and the sound of a camera snapping pictures. She came slowly back down the stairs, and creeped around the corner. I kept my eyes on the TV, knowing she was about to take a picture. When the camera clicked, I looked up at the same time Charlie did.
"What are you doing, Bella?" Charlie asked, irritated.
"Oh, come on," she said as she came to sit in front of the sofa where Charlie sat. "You know Mom will be calling soon to ask if I'm using my presents. I have to get to work before she can get her feelings hurt."
"Why are you taking pictures of me, though?" He complained.
"Because you're so handsome. And because, since you bought the camera, you're obligated to be one of my subjects."
He mumbled words of annoyance into the pillow.
"Hey, Edward." My name on her tongue sent yet another stab into me. "Take one of me and my dad together."
I caught the camera, framing it so Charlie and Bella were included. Charlie smiled unwillingly, but Bella still looked anxious and scared.
"You need to smile, Bella." I said quietly.
She smiled, but it looked forced. I snapped the picture.
"Let me take one of you kids." Charlie said.
I stood up, and threw the camera to him lightly. Bella came to my side, and I put one arm around her shoulder, feeling her warmth again, even though I had told myself I wouldn't touch her anymore. She wrapped her arm around my waist, and my resistance buckled again. I tried my best to regain it.
"Smile, Bella."
The camera flashed.
"Enough pictures for tonight. You don't have to use the whole roll now." He tucked the camera away. I pulled away from Bella and sat back in the armchair, trying to pay attention to the TV. In my peripheral vision I noticed Bella's hands shake. My arm twitched, and I inhaled. When whatever show had been on ended, I stood up. I couldn't stay anymore.
"I'd better get home." I announced.
"See ya." Charlie said.
I headed out the front door, and Bella followed. The urge to kiss her was once again extremely strong, but I ignored it and rushed to my car before I could change my mind. No more mistakes.
"Will you stay?" She called.
Yes, of course I will, Bella, was what I wanted to say. But what I wanted didn't make a difference anymore.
"Not tonight." I answered, and then got into my car.
More free time. I groaned, and drove nowhere. I ended up back at my house, although I was unsure of what to do. Suddenly, my phone buzzed in my pocket.
It was Carlisle. I quickly answered the phone, eager for any distraction.
"Edward. How are you?" Carlisle asked.
"Spectacular." I said sarcastically, and then sighed.
"Are you still in Forks?" He asked gently.
"Yes. But not for long. I'm going to do it tomorrow." I shut my eyes, trying not to think of what I had to do.
"Are you sure, Edward? Is it really the best option?"
"It's the only option. Bella deserves a life. Every single day I'm with her, I'm putting her in danger. She can't even go to her own birthday party without there being a catastrophe! She deserves happiness…" I said through my teeth, my words trailing away.
"And what about you, Edward? You deserve just as much happiness."
I snorted. "What is my pain compared to her happiness?"
He sighed. "I see it is going to be impossible to sway you. Alice told me that she wants to talk to you. You should call her."
I sighed, too. "I should go. I think I'm going to hunt."
"Are you going to come to Denali…afterwards? Esme misses you already. We all do."
"I don't know, Carlisle. I might." I said carefully, although I was positive that I could not go where my family would be.
"Alright. We love you, son. And please…think about what you're about to do."
I ignored his last sentence."I love you all, too." I said, although the words had no emotion. I hung up.
I stared at the phone, unsure if I should call Alice or not. I sighed, staring at the clock on the radio in my car. I needed another distraction…
I dialed her number, and waited. Finally, she answered.
"Edward. I'm glad you called. We need to talk." She said seriously, and I regretted calling. She was just going to try to convince me to change my mind.
"What, Alice? I'm not going to change. I've made my decision."
"I just thought you should know that after you leave the day after next, Bella is going to try to follow you into the forest. She'll get lost. You may want to let Charlie know somehow, so that they can find her."
So I wasn't going to succeed for another day. I bit my lip, picturing Bella stumbling alone in the woods. I flinched.
"Oh. I will. Thank you, Alice." I murmured.
"I really hope you're not planning for this to be long term. She's going to be devastated, Edward. You mean as much to her as she does to you. Don't underestimate her."
I sighed, her words sending new stabs into my chest.
"It's for the best. She will forget. And don't go looking for her future, either. We've done enough damage." I muttered.
She snorted. "Whatever, Edward. I'll do what you ask. I'll leave her alone, for as long as you do. You can't live without her, and you know it. I can't see a future that doesn't put you two together in the end."
I winced, remembering visions she showed me in the past – one stuck out in particular: Me, sliding my mother's engagement ring onto the slim finger of Bella's left hand. The vision had been so concrete, clear as glass. Back…before, I had thought of proposing to her…but it was in the past now, and that day would never come. The old, feared picture of Bella walking down the isle towards a human stranger snaked into my thoughts, and this was a pain unlike any I had known so far. Before, when I had pictured this, at least there had been the dream of belonging to her. But now, I knew that it was inevitable. It would never happen. I sucked in an uneasy breath, trying to steady myself.
"You're wrong, Alice. It's for the best." I repeated, and then I hung up.
I launched myself out of the car, and ran for a long time, not seeing the trees around me or the sky above me. I hunted for a little while, finding a mountain lion nearby. It didn't relieve me, and it didn't make me feel any better. I looked up, noticing the sun was rising. I hurried back and got into my car, back to school again. My chest ached at the thought of seeing her face.
The day continued just as it had the day before. I didn't look at Bella, I didn't touch her. The only time I spoke to her was when Mr. Berty had asked her a question in English class and she had failed to answer – I'd muttered it under my breath and then went back to ignoring her. It was unlike her to miss a question, but I knew I could not voice my concern.
I walked her to her car again, in silence. I made sure not to kiss her at all this time. She had to believe…
I went hunting again, only because I had nothing else to do, and it was a distraction from things I did not want to think of. Just one more day, and then I would enter a vast sea of nothingness…and there would never be anything more for me.
It was an extremely painful picture, but I knew I could accept it as long as Bella was safe and happy. When I was gone, she could go back to being a human, and the danger would be behind her. She would be free from the future she thought she wanted, the future that turned her eyes into a blazing red. I flinched. My leaving would only set things right for her.
The sky had turned pitch black – no stars were visible. The brightest light I had ever known was sleeping, miles away…
I froze. Would it really matter if I went to her now? She would never know…Before I could think about how wrong it was, I was running to her. When I reached her home, I stared up at her window. I could hear her breathing evenly from the ground, and blankets rustling. I pulled myself up to her window – just one last look. And there she was, my reason for everything. Her dark hair was tangled across her pillow – she tossed and turned several times, obviously not sleeping peacefully.
She was so lovely.
"Edward." She spoke my name, and I couldn't resist anymore. When could I ever resist Bella? I opened her window and jumped inside silently, going to sit on her rocking chair. I would come no closer. It would only make things harder. Her scent hit me as hard as it always did – but it didn't matter now. If I burned, it meant that I was with her, that she was safe…But she could never be safe while she was with me.
Never.
"Please. Please, Edward. Don't." She muttered, turning onto her side again.
"Bella, Bella…I'm so sorry, Bella." I whispered.
"Edward…Stay…" She slurred, turning onto her back, her hand stretching out feebly.
I shook my head, my face falling into my hands again. This had been wrong. I looked out the window – daylight was slowly creeping up on me.
I stood up, preparing to leave.
"Edward." She muttered one last time, and then she sighed.
"Bella…I love you. I'll never stop loving you." I breathed, and then I jumped out of her window and started running back to my car. My eyes throbbed, and when I got into my car I laid my head back, closing my eyes.
This had been a bad idea, for as soon as I closed my eyes I saw her face.
"Well, I was thinking, since it's still my birthday, that I'd like you to kiss me again."
"I'd rather die than be with anyone but you."
I took a deep breath, trying to clear my head of the memories of her voice, her face, her eyes, the heat of her lips on mine…it was all too much. I opened my eyes and started the car, unprepared to face the last day. If only I could be good enough for her…
The day passed exactly the same as usual – except it went much faster today. When it was over, I walked her to her truck, trying to prepare myself for the most inexcusable lie I would ever tell.
"Do you mind if I come over today?" I asked quickly.
"Of course not."
"Now?" I asked, knowing there could be no other time.
"Sure. I was just going to drop a letter for Renee in the mailbox on the way. I'll meet you there." She said. I stared at the envelope on the passenger seat – it looked very full, and it surely contained the pictures she had taken.
"I'll do it. And I'll still beat you there." I smiled, but I was sure – again – that it was very wrong. It felt sick to smile.
"Okay." She said, unsmiling.
I shut her door and ran to my car. When I got inside, I opened the envelope full of pictures and a letter. I examined the pictures, and took out all of the ones that had my face on them – I put them in my pocket, trying not to look at the expressions on the faces. I re-sealed the envelope, and then quickly dropped them on the mailbox in the way to her house. When I got there, her truck was not present, as expected. I knew I only had minutes. I got out of my car and ran up to her room, for the last time. I looked around and quickly grabbed everything that would remind her of me – the CD, the tickets…my foot creaked over a lose floorboard, and I stuffed her things under it. I found her scrapbook on the desk, and I opened it. Most of the pictures were taped in and labeled, other than one that was folded on one side. I only saw my face staring up at me – but I knew that was only half of the picture – the worst half. I flipped it over, seeing Bella's beautiful chocolate eyes staring up at me. Why had she folded it like that? Did she think that I was somehow preferable to her? How ridiculous. Her perfection shined through the picture, even if her nervous expression didn't match her beauty. I took a deep breath, taking all of the pictures – including the ones in my pocket – and putting them under her floorboards.
There was only one thing left to do. I grabbed a piece of paper that was on her desk, and wrote the words "Going for a walk with Edward, up the path. Back Soon, B" in her script. I left it on the kitchen counter. Charlie would find it.
I ran back to my car and sat in the driver's side until I heard Bella's truck drive down the street and park in front of the house. I met her by her truck.
When she got out, I took her bookbag from her – but I put it back onto the seat.
"Come for a walk with me." I said, taking her hand. I knew touching her was unacceptable, but I needed to feel her warmth. It gave me strength.
I panicked as I thought of what to say, how to make her believe me. Surely, she knew how madly in love with her I was. Surely she knew that she was the single most important thing in my world. She wouldn't have a doubt in her mind, so I had no time to waste. It would take a long time to convince her.
I stopped as close to the house as possible – right on the start of the trail.
I leaned against the closest tree and stared at her. This was what I was going to lose…
"Okay, let's talk." She said.
I took a deep breath. I had to hurt her now. My heart screamed in protest.
"Bella, we're leaving." I said.
She took a deep breath as well.
"Why now? Another year—" She started, but I interrupted.
"Bella, it's time. How much longer could we stay in Forks, after all? Carlisle can barely pass for thirty, and he's claiming thirty-three now. We'd have to start over soon regardless." I said, trying to sound as if I knew what I was doing.
"When you say we—" She muttered, and I knew she finally understood. Acid seemed to be running through my veins, but I knew I had to continue.
"I mean my family and myself."
She shook her head slightly.
"Okay. I'll come with you." She replied.
"You can't, Bella. Where we're going…It's not the right place for you." Don't you see, Bella? I'm a monster, and you deserve so much more than me…
"Where you are is the right place for me." She said, and a deep pain began to root itself in my heart. The pain was getting even more defined as I kept going, but I knew it was the only way.
"I'm no good for you, Bella." These were probably the truest words I would ever speak.
"Don't be ridiculous. You're the very best part of my life." I love you, Bella. You're the very best part of my existence.
"My world is not for you." This was also true. But the lies were coming, I could feel it.
"What happened with Jasper—that was nothing, Edward! Nothing!" She said.
"You're right. It was exactly what was to be expected." I countered. I should have left sooner. Trying to be good enough for her was so wrong, because I never could be.
"You promised! In Phoenix, you promised that you would stay—" I had almost lost her then, too – because of me. That would never happen again.
"As long as that was best for you." I interrupted.
"No! This is about my soul, isn't it? Carlisle told me about that, and I don't care, Edward. I don't care! You can have my soul. I don't want it without you. It's yours already!" She screamed.
I took a deep breath, staring at the ground. The pain that gripped me now was excruciating, and I almost dropped to my knees in front of her and begged for forgiveness. I almost broke, and told her everything – that I needed her, that I couldn't not be with her…
But I knew this would all serve for a greater purpose, and that was the only thing that made me look back up at her horrified face. Bella would forget me eventually, and she'd be able to smile. She wouldn't have to fear anything. That knowledge gave me the strength to say my next words.
"Bella, I don't want you to come with me." I forced the ridiculous lie out, ready for her rebuff. Surely, she would not believe me.
"You…don't…want me?" Of course I want you. I'll always want you. I never knew it was possible to long for someone so much before I met you.
And then I said the one word I knew I would always regret until the day my existence ended.
"No."
"Well, that changes things." She said, and I was immediately confused. Surely, she would argue soon enough…
I looked away, into the trees. I couldn't look at her anymore – the pain was slowly clawing its way deeper into my chest, and soon it would leave an empty hole.
"Of course, I'll always love you…", I caught myself quickly, molding my words, "In a way. But what happened the other night made me realize that it's time for a change. Because I'm…tired of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. I am not human." And you deserve someone who is. "I've let this go on much too long, and I'm sorry for that." I'm sorry for everything. You'll never know how sorry I am.
"Don't. Don't do this." She whispered, and I could only stare at her. How I wished there was only a way for me to stay.
"You're not good for me, Bella." I said – another horrifying and utterly absurd lie. Surely, she would argue now. She couldn't possibly believe me.
"If…that's what you want." You are the only thing I want. This will never be what I want. It goes against everything I believe in…
But I nodded anyways – lying yet again.
Suddenly, I had something to say – something that I had to ask of her…
"I would like to ask one favor, though, if that's not too much." I said.
And then I looked up at her, and I couldn't believe what I saw. Her face was accepting. She actually believed me. The strongest pain I had ever experienced sliced through me, making me freeze.
She believed my lie? No, that couldn't be…it wasn't possible! How many times had I told her that I loved her? How many times had I tried to explain what she meant to me? That she was everything, everything to me – that she was the only thing I lived for, the only thing that made my existence make sense. That my deep and undying love for her ran through my entire core, made me who I was. Without her, I was nothing. Absolutely nothing. My world was just so pointless without her.
And she believed me. All that she needed was one word, and her faith in me was gone. The pain of that was worse than anything else.
"Anything." She vowed, and I suddenly remembered what I had been trying to ask of her. I put my horrible, monstrous, lying face back on.
"Don't do anything reckless or stupid. Do you understand what I'm saying?" I asked. She had to keep herself safe. She had to. Life without her in it was empty, but the the world without her in it was more than I could ever bare.
She nodded, and I had to lock in my fake motivations for this favor.
"I'm thinking of Charlie, of course. He needs you. Take care of yourself—for him." For me.
"I will." She promised, and I relaxed, ready for my final words.
"And I'll make you a promise in return. I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this ever again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I'd never existed." I said, knowing that this was how it had to be.
For her. For Bella.
I tried to smile again. "Don't worry. You're human—your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind."
"And your memories?" She choked out.
I hadn't been prepared for this question, so I answered truthfully.
"Well…I won't forget." I'll never forget. "But my kind…we're very easily distracted."
I took a step back, feeling even more pain as I distanced myself. How was that possible?
"That's everything, I suppose. We won't bother you again." I muttered.
"Alice isn't coming back." She said quietly. It wasn't a question.
"No. They're all gone. I stayed behind to tell you goodbye."
"Alice is gone?" She asked, shocked.
"She wanted to say goodbye, but I convinced her that a clean break would be better for you." I said, the torrent of the pain almost reaching me now.
"Goodbye, Bella." I love you, Bella. My Bella.
"Wait!" She yelled, reaching for me. I began to reach for her, too, on impulse – my resistance almost breaking yet again – but I held onto her wrists and pinned them to her sides. I pressed my lips to her warm, soft skin one last time, trying to memorize how it felt.
"Take care of yourself." Please. For me.
And then I was running. My mask left my face, and I was positive that my expression was beyond agony. What had I done? I knew that the acid-like pain inside of me was just about ready to reach the surface. I ran as fast as possible back to my car, and I only drove a few miles away before I stopped the car and started running again, deep into the woods. I couldn't drive when I was so…lost.
I noticed that as I ran, the color was slowly draining from the trees around me. Everything was empty, colorless. It was almost if a foggy haze had filled my mind and clouded my senses. Everything I had lived for was gone from my life, and there was no saving it.
And then the pain boiled over, overshadowing everything else. I couldn't ignore it any longer. It had clawed itself open, and there was now a gaping hole in the center of my chest.
I stopped running, completely unaware of where I was or what I was doing. I fell to my knees on the forest floor, and I couldn't hold my agonized, tearless sobs inside of me. I had just let the other half of my being walk away from me – and worse, I had pushed it away.
I wanted to feel my heart, so I could collect the broken, shredded pieces. But I couldn't find it anywhere inside of me.
My life was just a ruin now, dark and never-ending.
Without her, my existence wasn't worth anything. I didn't need to breathe as a vampire, but I still felt like I was drowning.