After many years, four if you wanna be specific, I've decided to continue to write this story. Well, I never decided otherwise, I just got too lazy to write. Though now I will truly remake this story to its, and my, potential so you all can enjoy it. Thank you for putting up with me for so long and being so patient, for still loving my story after all this time. You are all incredible and amazing. Thank you for reading my story and loving it, it means a lot to me. I hope you enjoy the chapter :) P.S keep in mind that certain things will be changed in this fanfic, the Shadowhunter world and etc. For example, if a certain character died in the actual series they could still be alive in this story (even though that's not what's happening here).
Rated M for: The language, blame it on Clary...and Jace...and almost everyone/ Jace's little rendezvous, which isn't that descriptive but still explicit for young minds, but if you wanna be a rebel be my guest ;)/Future explicit scenes in the story.
Clary
I'm already gone
I lay down on my bed, listening to music on my phone as I play games on it, wanting to relax. Lately I've been busy training or studying Shadowhunter history and studying in general, normal school and Shadowhunter school becoming very exhausting and draining. I want time to unwind and take a breather from everything that's been thrown at me.
I now live in the institute with Jace and the others, learning more each passing day how to be a better Shadowhunter, grasping onto what it is to be one and the importance of it and how to be one, learning its important and vast history as I do.
My mom gave me permission to live, study, and train here. Surprisingly. She finally accepts my involvement in the Shadowhunter world and let me be one, understanding my want to be one and the necessity of it, since we are a dying breed.
Most of my time is given and spent on Jace, and when it isn't, it's being spent with Isabelle and Alec. Either I spend my day with Jace, doing nothing but talking or laying down together or we actually dive into Shadowhunter activities, since he's my teacher for all things Shadowhunter, or I accompany Isabelle when she goes out and asks me to go along or I just have small enlightening chats with Alec.
Convincing my mom to let me indulge myself in the Shadowhunter world and to be one, as well as letting me live in the institute with only my boyfriend and his brother and sister, wasn't as easy as I'm probably making it seem. It was quite the challenge. Luke and I doubled against my mom, spewing nothing but pros at her on becoming a Shadowhunter, yet she found a con for each one. After a while of talking through every concern that filled her head and giving her the assurance she needed to dispel any doubts she had, she gave in. We resolved her feelings on the matter, as well as Luke's minuscule worries over my well-being, and everything was settled.
Drain you by Nirvana starts to play and interrupts my train of thoughts.
One baby to another says I'm lucky to have met you
I don't care what you think unless it is about me
It is now my duty to completely drain you
I'm alone in the institute, explaining why I'm not with everyone else at the moment. Habitually, I'd be with Jace, Isabelle, and Alec, lounging and talking in the kitchen or living room.
Meanwhile I'm here, the gang (Magnus, Simon, Isabelle, Jace, and Alec) is at Pandemonium, doing their weekend demon hunting. They invited me to go, as I always do, but I declined the offer, telling them I'd stay due to my body being immensely sore from all the hardcore training I've done.
As I think about it, I should have gone. A little part of me yearns to be out and stretching my limbs, to feel the exhilaration of dancing and partaking in the takedown of a demon. I could've endured the pain, after all, I have to learn about endurance regardless, so might as well start somewhere.
Suddenly, a big bang comes from Jace's room, immediately dissipating my thoughts. The bang resonates through to my room and fills it with a haunting echo that causes me to pounce up from my bed almost automatically.
I shakily and quickly pause the song on my phone and throw it on my bed, keeping my eyes on my door as I do so in case something bursts through while I'm not looking.
Without taking my eyes off my door, I slowly grab my Seraph blade from under my bed, whispering its name and quietly walking towards my door, opening it soundlessly and tiptoeing to Jace's room.
The gang can't be back yet, I would have heard them laughing and stumbling around in the hall or Jace would have came into my room to announce their homecoming.
It has to be someone else, but who can it be? Or worst yet, what can it be? How could they or it have gotten inside the institute?
Fear permeates through my body as my imagination runs amok as I think of several theories on what made the sound from behind Jace's closed door, causing me to shake even more. I rapidly become high-strung due to my curse'ed theories and apprehensively bite down on my lip.
In a matter of seconds I'm in front of Jace's door, looking down at the door knob, timidly gulping down saliva.
All my body allows me to do is stare at the door knob, fear controlling every inch of me and prohibiting me from doing anything else. I inhale and exhale a quivering breath, trying my best to calm down to no avail, my nerves stay the same; unwaning.
I feel daunted by my thoughts as I continue to rack my brain for an explanation on what could be in Jace's room. I'm not advanced in my training, considering I just started it so I can't properly defend myself from what could be in his room, I can only defend myself to a certain extent.
And that extent would be swinging my blade once, missing, and then running away.
As I stand in front of Jace's door, managing to somewhat calm myself down, I realize a squeaking noise comes from within his room, noises that sound similar to a mouse squeaking.
I furrow my eyebrows, figuring I must have been so absorbed in my anxiousness that I didn't even notice the squeaking coming from inside his room.
I shrug the noises off, figuring it can't be anything important and take in a deep breath and shakily reach out to grab Jace's doorknob. My hand approaches the knob, and as it gets closer to it, my face starts to get hot with dismay.
I brace myself for what's in there, taking in a deep breath, collecting myself and tightly grabbing my Seraph blade with what little strength my terror left me with and gather up courage to open the door. I breathe out, not realizing I was holding my breath in until now, and twist the knob, silently opening the door, and softly pushing it open, making sure I make no sound as I do so.
My eyes land before me, and as they do, my breath hitches in my throat, lodging in it. Everything seems to tilt to the side, lightly and inaudibly jerking me to the side, causing me to hang onto the door frame, needing the support as my knees grow weak.
I cling onto the door frame, my knees wobbling the tiniest bit as my vision becomes slightly blurry while my heart drops and shatters to pieces. I feel pain and sorrow spread through my body slowly and then all at once, devouring me in it remorselessly.
Nothing could have prepared me for the sight in front of me.
Nothing.
In front of me is my Golden angel pile-driving into a never-before-seen blonde.
Jace's usual cleanly monk room is an uncharacteristic mess for once. A pair of lacy pink panties hang from his lamp on his nightstand, a bra that matches it lays on his desk, their shoes are scattered across the room and a pile of clothes are strewn by his bed, showing evidence of all the places they have been within the space.
Jace is on top of the girl. His tan, brawny arms are beside either side of her head, his muscles bulging from them, his golden hair is array as he thrusts into her, falling down towards his face, slightly blocking his eyes, but I could see they're closed in pleasure. His eyebrows furrow as he focuses on every thrust he makes, strategically moving his hips to his liking while he bites onto his plump lips, his golden skin slick with sweat that slowly emits from his muscular, perfect body as he keeps moving.
The girl's blonde hair is fanned out on his pillow, some of it stringing to her neck, the sweat acting as glue. Her face is full of jouissance, relishing every passing second as Jace rams in and out of her. Her face is a mask of ecstasy as she experiences a pleasure that is unknown to me. Her eyebrows flare up as Jace makes a certain move, making her release a loud moan that satisfies him and plasters a smug smile on his face. She wraps her arms around Jace's neck, digging her nails into it while holding onto him in gratification. Her legs move to intertwine themselves around his hips, bringing him down on her, earning a moan from him.
My heart starts to beat rapidly, thumping against my chest as if it's trying to break through. It beats loudly and hard enough that I can hear its swift beat pound in my ears and feel it resonate within my body.
I stupidly continue to watch the scene play out before me, watching the man I love on top of another girl. Tears well up in my eyes, the ache in my heart reminding me it's there. My face starts to contort in pain as I try my best not to cry.
As the sexual desire grows between Jace and the girl, so does the throb in my chest, causing me to raise my hand up to my heart and grasp at it. The throb swells up inside me, manifesting into something more, waiting to explode at any second.
The pain feels heavy on my heart, weighing it down, causing it to ache in the most dreadful way I have ever felt and inflating each second I proceed to watch the display before me.
The pain feels rips my heart carelessly, shredding it into pieces and throwing it away as if it isn't good enough, my stomach jumps into my throat, threatening to fall out of my mouth. The pain is so unbearable that I begin to tremble aggressively.
I don't have enough strength to keep me up, but I don't give in to the incessant pain that looms over me, wanting me to breakdown and cry.
Jace finally opens his eyes, the gold illuminating the dark shadows cast on his face as he continues thrusting into the girl, looking down at her with lust. His face is twisted in a pleasure that I never gave him, a pleasure that I've yet to discover. He lets out groans and moans that riles the girl up, making her moan even more, arching her back so that their chests touch as she does so.
The girl lets herself fall back in euphoria. Her nails dig into Jace's back, raking down the muscles that protrude it as he keeps his rhythm, leaving red streaks running down his back, making him smirk triumphantly at the action and the feeling it brings; a prideful one, knowing he's doing skillfully well. She wriggles beneath him, adding friction to his movements, driving them both to a heated, sexual frenzy.
Their moans evolve from quiet ones to loud, unruly ones, unfurling across the room, echoing back towards me, almost tauntingly.
I unknowingly and idiotically keep watching them, unsure why I don't tear my eyes away and save myself from feeling more pain than I already do. As each second passes by I feel my heart break more and more, chipping away.
Too much.
The pain is too much.
The pain is inordinate, my hands begin to sweat and my body shakes even more, involuntarily keeping me from being still.
The view in front of me is so horribly breath and strength taking that I'm left weak. My guard comes crashing down and my handle on my Seraph blade becomes loose, causing it to start slipping from my hand.
The blade slides from my grip, slowly and teasingly until its hilt is no longer in my hands.
I stare at it blankly as it falls, not processing what's happening and what will happen if it touches the floor.
I rapidly regain consciousness when I see the blade inches away from the floor. My eyes widen and my hand ducks down, swiping the blade.
But it's too late.
The blade hits the floor with a loud clank as it shifts from side-to-side, settling down until it no longer moves and is as still as everything else in the room.
I grit my teeth and clench my jaw, suddenly angry at myself, subsiding all the pain I felt just seconds ago. I mentally slap and curse myself for my stupid, careless mistake and as I do, I slowly become aware there's no sound in the room.
There's no bed squeaking, no moans or groans, no satisfied cursing, no skin slapping against skin.
Nothing.
I freeze in place, not daring to look anywhere but my blade. My breath catches in my throat and my lips part for I know what comes next.
I feel the stillness and tension in the room as I continue to look at the blade, avoiding what's in front of me.
I let out a shaky breath, that being the only sound in this dead quiet room. I muster up courage and, silently and slowly, shift my gaze from the blade to Jace's bed, where he and the girl are.
My eyes land on Jace, finding him and the girl both looking back at me, motionless and alarmed.
The girl's eyes are as big as saucers, her hair is disheveled, her face is flushed and sweaty, her eye makeup pools under her eyes, making her look very similar to a raccoon as she holds Jace's bed sheets tightly against her naked body, her back against his headboard, staring at me with a look as if I were something growing under the sink.
Jace is still naked, completely rigid. No matter, my eyes won't wander. I'm too busy focusing on keeping myself from crying.
He's sat next to the girl, naked and in a position that makes him seem like he's going to pounce off the bed at any second. His hair is messy and all over the place, the sweat on his skin is drying, almost showing no evidence of it ever being there. His muscles are contracted and tense as he stares at me, his golden eyes looking at me, shock slightly showing on his face.
Jace is unmoving, paralyzed by surprise. The only thing that moves is his chest, slowly heaving up and down, catching his breath.
My eyes dart away from Jace, not being able to bear a second longer of making eye contact with him, and to the girl on his bed. Her eyes flash from Jace and I repeatedly, looking to see if either of us will speak.
I notice her eyes analyze me from head-to-toe, making a slightly disgusted face as she does. She looks deep into my eyes, squinting with disdain.
She then speaks up, realizing Jace and I won't say anything. "Who are you?" her squeaky, yet strained voice drifts throughout the silent room, carrying itself towards me.
An annoyed expression lines her face, her makeup stained eyes still squinting at me, bothered that I interrupted her good time with my boyfriend. The girl's eyes flicker across my face, waiting for a response.
I stay quiet though, I say nothing or move. I only look back at her as she awaits an answer she won't be receiving. I continue to look at the girl, not being able to find my voice or will to speak to her, but also to steer clear from looking at Jace. His eyes bore into me, making me shrivel.
"Well," she starts, slitting her eyes once more, "since the cat has your tongue, you should run off and fetch it. We're busy here." She gives me a supercilious leer that makes me even more uncomfortable than I already am.
The girl looks at me expectantly with both her eyebrows raised domineeringly, waiting for me to leave. I say nothing to her disrespect or feel any resentment towards her like anyone normally would.
After a few minutes of her staring at me with challenging eyes I dazedly turn around, walking towards the door, looking at the floor.
As I get closer to the door the girl's voice stops me in my tracks, ringing in my ears. "Take your weird Cosplay sword, too." I ignore her and continue to walk until she speaks again. "Close the door on your way out." she adds in a mockingly cheerful voice.
I step past my blade, walking towards the door again, leaving it behind. I can very well get a new one. I don't need that one, nor do I want to be in this room any longer than I already have been. The tension rises higher between Jace and I the longer I stay there.
I feel numb. I don't feel the incessant need to cry or breakdown, I feel fine.
My emotions aren't all over the place or overwhelming like they were before. They were too much to handle, overbearing. Now they're calm, they're neutral. It makes it easier on my heart and I to feel like this, it makes it easier not to cry.
As I'm about to step out the room I hear the bed squeak as if weight was lifted from it, followed by the sound of rapid footsteps against the floor. I continue walking out towards the door anyway, not regarding them.
Suddenly, a hand wraps itself tightly around mine and yanks me back and out of my thoughts, a low gasp of surprise escaping my lips. The hand turns me around to face the owner.
I'm facing Jace now, but I immediately look away from him. I avoid his gaze, not wanting to look up into his dusky flaxen eyes, knowing they'll break me if I do. Instead, I look at his chest. His bronze, muscular, hard chest that still has the tiniest bit of sweat glistening on it. The chest that I've rested myself on plenty of times whenever we laid in bed and did nothing all day, the chest I've kissed whenever I wanted to show him the love I felt for him, the chest I've yearned to touch because it's so appealing.
"Clary.." Jace whispers, his voice soft like velvet, luring me out of my thoughts and bringing me back to cruel reality. Jace places my hand, the one he holds, on his chest, knowing I'm avoiding his stare purposely.
His chest is warm to my touch, the faintest bit of sweat still on it. My eyebrows knit together when I feel the slightest twinge of pain as I remember how it was created. The pain is fleeting, as quick as it came, it vanished, leaving me emotionless once more.
I look at my small hand on his large chest blankly. His big hand reaches up to cup my face, as he does, tiny dim sparks travel through his long, slender fingers and burn out as soon as they reach my face.
He towers over my tiny frame as I feel him look at me fixedly, but my eyes are riveted on my hand still on his chest. I feel his regret simmer through from his skin, into my hands, and reverberate throughout my body.
"Clary, baby, look at me," his voice comes out a gentle coo, like silk. His voice tempts me out of my stare and I look up at him.
I see him with new eyes.
His golden orbs used to be a familiar amber color that I loved looking into, ones that would look softly back at me. Now they're the ones that were staring at a stranger's naked body, a body that isn't mine. His lips, the ones that used to touch mine and gently whisper sweet nothings are now the ones that kissed another girl's.
His features are knotted up gently and warily, unsure of how I'll react or what I'll do.
It all hits me, all the emotions I felt earlier and ones hidden underneath those, Jace cheating on me and seeing it with my very own eyes. It was all coming to me like a wave rushing to shore, quickly and mercilessly. It all sinks in. I finally register everything that has happened, awakening copious emotions in me, no longer in the numb and dormant state they were in.
I look at my hand on Jace's chest, out of my daze and finally aware it's there, and swiftly move it away in disgust. I roughly slap away his resting hand from my cheek, feeling nothing but repugnance towards his touch.
I look at him with revulsion, knowing it's very evident on my face. "Don't touch me." I snarl angrily, anger surging through me, and without thinking, I push him away with all the strength I can muster.
Jace never so even budges when I playfully push him around. He always stays solid, never moving, but this time he stumbles back slightly, completely caught off guard by my actions, obviously not in his right state of mind if he didn't anticipate my move.
Jace, now inches away from me, looks at me through his eyelashes, hurt flashing in his eyes but briskly out of sight as any emotion that ever comes to him does.
He recomposes himself, looking up at me for a few seconds before walking towards me, like me pushing him didn't happen. As he starts to get close I back away, looking at him with a scowl, letting him know I don't want him near me.
When he sees my expression he stops in his tracks and stays in place, looking at me with his usual impassive golden eyes. Not impassive enough though, I know that behind the interior wall his eyes hold up, he's feeling just as many emotions as I am.
The room is silent anew, the tension is thicker and heavier than before, enveloping us three in it. No one speaks, not even the girl. She stares between Jace and I intently, as if watching a soap opera unfold right before her eyes.
When Jace sees I won't speak, he tries doing so. "Clary-" he starts, his eyebrows slightly crinkling up, hoping he can get a chance to explain himself, hoping he can fix things.
I roughly cut him off, not giving him the chance he doesn't deserve. I don't want to listen to him, I don't want to hear his excuses, or whatever story he fabricates on how he and this girl ended up in his bed. I don't want to hear anything from him, not anymore.
"Listen to you?" I say eerily calm, striking him surprised with how tranquil I am after all this, after the looks I have and am giving him, after the shove I gave him, finding it odd to see me serene after me catching him cheating. I see the surprise slip from his face when he realizes this is just the calm before the storm.
"Listen to you?" I repeat, my voice coming out gentle but cracking through the room like a whip. I glare at him. " I have been listening to you, I've been listening to you moan as you fuck another girl!" I shout this time, anger bubbling up inside me. "I saw it too, I saw you on top of her and you didn't even have the decency to keep it quiet." I chuckle at the thought, astounded that he didn't even try to occult it.
"You don't have to say anything, Jace. That was enough listening for me." I bark, letting out only a smidgen of everything I feel. My chest heaves up and down as I breathe heavily, anger slowly gathering up deep inside me as I look at Jace with ample scorn.
He looks back at me too, but his expression is completely different from mine, he's boggled. I never scream or get angry like this, so it's a surprise for him to see me like this. But how else do you react when the love of your life is cheating on you in the room right next to you?
The anger inside me continues to intensify as I look at him. "What ever happened to, and I quote, "I love you more than I should?"" I add more fuel to my fire, igniting the flames higher and higher. Jace opens his mouth to say something, but nothing comes out, no words do.
I roll my eyes and scoff, crossing my arms and staring at him with hatred, causing him to slightly wrinkle his eyebrows in pain, but immediately straightening them out.
He begins to speak, but I interject. "What happened was that it was bullshit." I spat, looking at him with disgust. "So was your love for me." The words hurt me on the way out, reechoing within me, not being to be able to wrap my head around him not loving me after everything we've been through for and with each other.
I brush away the thought, telling myself I should've known none of it was real, that this could've been avoided if I were sagacious.
I look at Jace and he looks astonished at my words, completely taken back by my new found attitude. I am too, but with everything that's happening I know I'm going to need it if I'm going to stay strong.
Jace says nothing, he's at a loss for words. All he can do is look at me, running his hands through the ends of his hair, looking very on edge.
"Your silence proves my point further." I look at him with hooded lids as I laugh bitterly. I shrug. "Can't really say I'm surprised you don't love me. You're you and I'm me. A guy like you wouldn't change for a girl like me."
Jace shakes his head, wordlessly denying my statement.
"It was foolish of me to fall for you, knowing you weren't right for me and doing it anyway, thinking you'd change for me." I look at Jace sadly, my words coming out soft with an expression to match it.
I sigh, shaking my head, feeling so stupid for thinking Jace could and would actually change the way he is for me, to think he actually loved me this whole time, to trust him so blindly. All these years were the best of my life; even if my friends, Jace, and I had to go through war and defeat countless enemies, and go through endless ordeals, they were still the best because I had him and his love and that all meant nothing to him the entire time.
I'm so stupid.
So stupid.
Jace looks nonplussed, my words striking him like a slap. I cock my head as I watch him, paying attention to him as I notice he's out of his usual persona.
His eyebrows are scrunched up as his features warp with inner pain. His eyes show a speck of the pain he feels, but the barrier between him and his emotions rise and I can longer see anything in them except the burning fire of determination to make things right.
Silence descends upon us, hanging over and around us like a blanket, coddling us tight in it. Everything in the room is calm, no sudden movements, no noises. Nothing.
I glower at Jace from where he stands, thinking of everything he's done, thinking of all the years of deceit he put me through. As my stare intensifies on him he seems to be uncomfortable.
He speaks, continuing to look into my eyes, all the emotions I feel for him very clear in them. "Clary, I love you. I always have, I always will." Jace's eyes look soft, filled with love, mending my heart the tiniest bit and giving it wings. "I have needs that you weren't ready to fulfill." he shrugs, looking like a little kid that thinks what he says justifies his actions.
His words make me wince in pain, letting my heart break again, feeling idiotic for letting myself trust his words again. I unfold my arms and let them drop down beside me in disbelief, staring at Jace with such loathe that he steps back.
"You're saying you cheated on me because I wasn't ready to lose my virginity?" my voice comes out as squeak as I stare at him completely stupefied, his reason for cheating on me hurting me, but also making me hate him more. I scoff unbelievably, running my hands through my hair, not being able to comprehend his excuse. His reason is so implausible I'm left perturbed by it, unable to wrap my head around it.
I look at Jace and see confusion cross his face. "That's not what I mean-" but I cut him off smoothly, looking him directly in his eyes as I speak lowly, sounding hostile, wanting him to know I'm serious. "It's fine Jace, really. You helped me dodge a bullet. Not completely, unfortunately, since I fell for you, but almost entirely because I didn't give you something you are undeserving of, because I didn't waste more years of my life with you."
Jace's face shifts into a pained one and he lets out a shaky breath, his eyebrows tightened, knowing I'm adamant on what I believe, knowing he won't be able to convince me otherwise, knowing that getting me back isn't a possibility. He begins to say something, but I hold my hand up and stop him from talking. I've had enough of him, his words have hurt me enough and I refuse to continue letting them do so.
"I thought you were the one," I say, talking delicately as I look at the floor with a sad smile, tears slightly lining my eyes as memories of him and I together flash through my head. Ones where we're laughing, others where we talk about about everything and anything, ones where we lay down together, ones where he's gotten jealous and almost fought guys, and so much more. But the very last memory that shows up is the one that I lived just minutes ago, the one where he's on top of another girl.
With that memory looping around in my head like CCTV, I look up from the floor, blinking away the tears that threaten to fall out. "I was wrong." I hiss through gritted teeth, honing in on Jace, lividness replacing the sadness and pain I felt seconds ago.
Jace paces towards me with eyes full of sorrow because now he knows what's coming next. "Clary, please listen. It was a mistake, it didn't mean anything. But you mean something, you mean everything to me." he breathes out heavily, stopping in front of me, looking down at me with despondency. I say nothing, feeling no need to say anything.
When I say nothing he grabs my hands, consuming them in his large ones while his golden eyes stare into mine. "Forgive me, Clary. Forgive my stupid mistake." he begs in a whisper. I feel the calluses on his hands as he tightens his grip on my mine, reminding me of when our hands first touched. I find myself wanting to forgive him, but I quickly remind myself what he did to me, immediately turning cold and immune to his advances.
With an expressionless look, I snatch my hands from his abruptly, recoiling from him and his touch. Jace is pained by my actions, and does nothing but look at me. I look back at him, and for a brief moment I could've sworn I saw his eyes glisten with a clear sheen of tears, but when I blink there was no evidence of such thing.
"What you did is unforgivable, I won't be able to trust you again. I'm not going to be in a relationship where I can't trust who I'm with, where I'm constantly worried if they only have eyes for me. The burden of constantly being scared and on edge is horrible. I will not put myself through that." I tell him honestly.
Catching me off guard, Jace gets on his knees as he hears my words. His eyes grow moist when he meets my gaze, yet no tears flow from them. "I swear on Raziel-" Jace stops mid-sentence, interrupting the focus I have on his eyes, and speaks again. "I swear on us that it won't happen again." he pleads. "You can trust me, Clary. You can."
I almost believe him.
He looks at me with pained eyes, waiting for a response, hoping I'll give in, hoping I'll forgive him and take him back, that I'll put this behind us and be happy with him again.
I look at him for a few minutes before shaking my head, looking down at him, never thinking I'd see the day where Jace Herondale would be on his knees, begging someone to stay, let alone that it'd be me.
"There is no us to swear on." I say, giving him a bitter-sweet smile that glitters like poisonous water. "I can't bear being near you right now, nor will I be able to in the future. What makes you think I'll forgive you?" my voice comes out rancorous.
Jace says nothing. I sigh and look around his familiar room, ignoring the girl he brought, looking at every nook and cranny, at the bookshelves, the gray walls, the wood floor and feel myself make a face of antipathy. "This room, these walls, this institute, it brings a bad taste in my mouth." I direct my words towards Jace, but my gaze is on his wall.
Jace looks at me steadily, slowly standing up, left unnerved by my words. He wastes no time in asking me what I mean, even though he knows what I meant, but needing the reassurance before approaching the situation. "What you know it means." I move my eyes towards him, my face deadpan.
Jace looks alarmed, but I ignore it and turn around to leave.
"I'm leaving, Jace."
I don't need to look at him to know my words landed a blow that he won't be able to recuperate from.
With that, I dash out his room, running to mine as fast as I can, knowing he will try to stop me but I won't allow it. I'm leaving no matter what.
As if on cue I hear him, "You are not leaving this institute, you are not leaving me, Clarissa!" he roars behind me, striking me with shock.
I run off the shock and get to my room, slamming the door shut and locking it, trying to buy myself as much time as possible so I can pack and leave. Jace won't waste time in coming for me and no door will hold him back.
I look around my room frantically, trying to spot something to put all my belongings in. I won't take everything I own with me, there's no time for that. Only necessities. My eyes dart around, landing on my open closet, where a duffel bag peeks out at me, almost as if it's calling my name.
I immediately run to it, snatching it up from the floor and zipping it open, throwing it on my bed. I run to my drawers, opening them rapidly and carelessly, no time to be gentle. I grab handfuls of clothes and throw them in the duffel bag, not bothering to put them in neatly. When I got most of what I need from my drawers I run to my closet and grab as many pairs of shoes and coats as I can and shove them inside the duffel bag.
After I got most of my clothes in the duffel bag, I look around my room aflutter, swiftly trying to find anything else I might need to take with me. My eyes are pulled towards my nightstand, like metal to a magnet, where my sketchbook lies.
I run to it, it's one of the things I love dearly and couldn't bear leaving it behind. I grab it and hold it to my chest, releasing a sigh of relief. I quickly remember the contents inside the sketchbook and drop it as if it transformed into a snake in my arms.
The sketchbook contains drawings of Jace and the others, from moments where I felt the need to draw them or moments that meant a lot to me. I look down at the sketchbook with discerning hate in it, knowing I won't want the memories in there with me in my new life. I decide to leave it. I'll get a new sketchbook and fill it with new memories.
Suddenly, I hear a loud thump crash against my door, bringing me out of my thoughts. My head shoots up, looking at the door, knowing it's Jace trying to bust inside. I silently curse under my breath, knowing that my time to escape is running out. "Clarissa!" I hear him bellow from behind the door, indecipherable emotions in his voice.
I hastily run to my duffel bag and zip it closed, throwing it over my shoulder and racing to an empty corner in my room. I grab my stele from my pants pocket, where I keep it at all times, and quickly open a portal. When the portal opens, a gust of air hits my face, whipping my hair back and causing me to slightly stumble backwards, caught off guard by it.
The portal swishes around in a somber color. I close my eyes and think of my next home, of where I want to go. As I have the Institute I want to go to in mind, the portal livens up with color, a pigmented blue that whooshes and swirls around, wind violently pours out of it, throwing itself in my face and filling my room with it, knocking down objects and throwing around loose sheets of paper and books, along with my pillows and bed sheets.
I put away my stele and walk closer to the portal, sticking my leg it, the strong winds slash against my face, throwing my hair all over, causing me to shield my face from it. I quickly put my hair up in a ponytail so it won't disturb me any further. As I finish doing so, I ready myself to jump inside the portal when the sound of a door splintering open stops me, rooting me in place.
I whip my head around to find Jace staggering in, trying to stand upright. I furrow my eyebrows at his state, it's almost as if he's drunk.
Jace hastily stands straight, the wind from the portal slapping his face, swaying his golden locks around, causing him to raise his arm to block the winds. Jace looks up and sees the portal, his face flabbergasted at the view of me in front of it with a leg inside, realizing what I'm doing and shocked I'm going through with it.
Jace licks his lips in a frantic motion, he puts his arm down and looks at me warily, slowly moving towards me with his arms outstretched in surrender, showing me he has no intention of making any sudden movements or doing anything sly.
I stare at Jace slit-eyed, ready to throw myself in the portal at any second if he tries anything. I ready myself and my body in case I have to do so. Jace seeing that, looks panic-stricken.
He nears me cautiously, staring at me with agony. "Clary, get down from there. You've proven your point. Step out the portal and we'll discuss this." He calmly says, almost fooling me, almost making me think he's calm. For the first time ever, his eyes betray him, showing otherwise, showing he's not calm, showing there's a storm of emotions whirling inside of him every minute that ticks by.
His eyes are filled with sorrow, anguish, torment. Everything I'm enduring, but not as intensified as I feel it.
I stare at Jace, my eyes raking up and down his face, finding this new broken side of him intriguing. It's not everyday, or at all, you see Jace Herondale letting his guard down, letting you see his vulnerable side.
I say nothing to him, expecting him to know my answer by the silence filling the room, the only sound being the sashaying of the portal's winds, spewing wind everywhere, knocking down and throwing around objects in the room.
"Clary, please." His voice comes out a pained whisper, a beg, that makes my heart twinge. I ignore the hurt weighing down on my heart, and tell myself not to give in.
"No."
My expression is blank as I look at him, making sure he knows I'm standing by my answer and decision, that I'm unswerving. He's only expostulating with me in vain, my mind won't change.
I take a deep breath, gathering up as much courage and strength I need to go through this via dolorosa. Even though Jace hurt me beyond measure, I can't help but feel bad for him. Even though he hurt me, I still love him and it still pains me to see him like this, but it's well deserved.
I turn my back on him, the portal's winds hitting my face with a puff as I inch inside it, the winds very strong.
"Clary, don't go!" Jace's yells behind me, his voice ringing through the room and mixing with the wind, drifting back to me.
I turn around, looking at him on his knees as he looks back at me, broken and despaired.
I give him a smirk, lunging inside the portal, leaving him and everyone else behind.
"I'm already gone."
Clary
After seconds that felt like long, dreadful minutes, of whirling around in the tornado that is the portal, it rudely spits me out, throwing my duffel bag and I on the ground with a big thud.
I'm strewn abnormally and amid a grassland filled with trees and bushes all over. Nothing else is in sight for miles; no roads, people, buildings, cars. There's no sign of life, no noise pollution, everything is peacefully quiet.
I furrow my eyebrows, finding this place odd. This isn't what I imagined when I thought of the institute I wanted to go to. This place seems far away from the city, somewhere deserted, where not even animals inhabit it. It seems like the countryside of whatever state or city I'm in.
I groan, frustrated the portal took me somewhere I don't even want to be, somewhere unknown.
"I guess I'll just open another portal." I murmur, feeling very annoyed. Since when do portals make mistakes?
I sit up slowly, knowing if I sit up too fast something in my body will hurt immensely. As I sit up carefully, pain pervades throughout my back. I hiss as I slowly and carefully stand up. While I struggle to stand up, my back make an anomalous sound, making me cringe in pain and disgust.
"Ow." I snarl, angry at the pain, angry at the portal, angry at everything. "That hurt," I grumble irritably, still annoyed at the portal's inaccuracy and livid because I'm left nowhere for miles with backaches.
When I finally disregard the pain in my back, I realize my clothes have dirt all over them, making me roll my eyes. As if this day couldn't get any worse. I grouse as I brush off dirt from my clothes, making sure none is left on me then turn to look around, trying to spot my duffel bag, remembering I had it with me.
Pretty easy to forget I had it with everything that's happened and is happening. I sigh and continue to look for it, knowing it should be in plain sight considering there's nothing here but vegetation.
My eyes land on a bush, and slightly buried inside of it, is my duffel-bag.
I walk towards the bush and stand in front of it, leaning over so I could reach and grab my duffel bag. I grasp its strap and yank it out of the bush, stumbling back as I do.
I pick out a few leaves that were stuck to it and sling the strap onto my shoulder and walk away from the bush, preparing to open a portal...until I hear the bushes rustle as if something moves inside it.
My heart starts to race and fear courses through my veins, automatically assuming the worst. There are no animals around so what else could possibly in there? As the rustling in the bush grows ferocious, I instinctively reach for my seraph blade, but feel my heart drop as I realize I left it behind in Jace's room.
"Shit." I mutter, not knowing what to do. I have no way to defend myself from whatever could be lurking inside the bush. Who knows what it could be? "Dammit." I murmur, hoping for the best and praying nothing dangerous is inside it, that it's somehow only an animal or an insect.
I decide I won't stick around to wait and see what's in there. I slowly walk away while gripping my duffel-bag's strap tightly in fear and anticipation. I keep my eyes glued to the bush to make sure nothing jumps out and surprises me. I make sure to be as soundless as I can as I step away lightly, a precaution I take in case whatever is in the bush is sound sensitive.
As I get further and further away, the rustling becomes furious and until suddenly, a girl emerges from the bush.
I stop walking away and stand in place, completely caught off guard. The girl looks at me gingerly, tilting her head slightly to the side as she holds my gaze, steadily stepping out of the bush.
The girl is beautiful, completely breathtaking. Her hair cascades down to her hips in thick, heavy jet-black ripples that shine magnificently in the sun. She has light caramel colored skin, that even from the distance between us I can tell is smooth and clear. She has the most beautiful, defined cheekbones I've ever seen, as if they were intricately carved by God. Her jawline is as appealing as her cheekbones are, the outline of it so delicate yet strong. Her eyes are big and a hazel color mixed with a green that shines so bright I can see it from where I stand, her eyelashes are long and thick, adding tremendous flare to her eyes. Her nose is dainty and fits her perfectly. Her lips are big and plump, naturally tainted red, complimenting her facial structure and eyes, perfecting her awe-inspiring looks.
What catches my eye, even more than her beauty does, are her clothes. They're typical Shadowhunter clothes, black clothes. Clothes no Mundane would wear on a regular day, they're designed differently than normal clothes are. My eyes move away from her clothes and down to the familiar matrix of runes decorating her arms and hands, and in her hands she holds a Seraph blade in each.
I look away from her Seraph blades, finding it interesting to see a Shadowhunter with two of them, and up at her. She looks me up and down, analyzing me and then staring at me as if I were a talking bird, clearly finding me odd.
"You can see me?" She asks, finding it surprising that someone as ordinary as me can see her. I nod, looking at her still. "I put glamour on, how is that possible?" She asks herself, looking down at the floor as her thoughts lead her away. After a few seconds pass, she looks up at me, making a face like she forgot about my presence. "Aren't you a mundie?" She asks me. I shake my head, rolling up my sleeve and showing her runes I recently got on my arm, studying her expression as her eyes land on them.
"Hm." She says in an understanding tone, "Makes sense." And with that, she puts away her Seraph blades in sheathes behind her back and looks at me with a warm smile.
She walks towards me, her slim yet thick body sashaying gloriously, making me feel insecure over my petite frame. She stands in front of me now, looking at me with the same warm smile she gave me seconds ago. "I'm Nadia, Nadia Rose." She extends her hand towards me.
I give her an idle smile, not finding any energy to give her a real one. As I "smile", I look down at her hand hesitantly, unsure if I should take it or not since she is a stranger. I decide to shake her hand. I'm in no position to turn down a new friend when I'm in the middle of nowhere, especially when the person is a Shadowhunter.
Nadia gives me an even bigger smile when I take her hand, making it seem like she's never had a friend and is glad to finally have one.
"So, who are you?" She queries, taking back her hand and placing it on her waist as she looks at me curiously, waiting for a reply. "I'm Clarissa Fairchild. Call me Clary." I smile at her, finding it easier to smile now, her friendliness easing the storm inside me.
When she hears my name her face slowly changes into one of excitement. "No way, Clary Fairchild? Like, Jocelyn Fairchild's daughter and Jace Herondale's girlfriend?" She squeaks, her face still knot up in excitement as she stares at me, her eyes big saucers full of giddiness.
I cringe when she titles me as Jace's girlfriend but I manage to nod anyway, swallowing the lump that formed in my throat at the mention of his name, while giving her a wooden smile.
"This is amazing! I've heard about all of the battles you and your friends endured against Valentine and Sebastian." she breathes excitedly. "You guys are legendary! You're all known around the world for your bravery. Every institute knows about you all. You guys are truly astounding." She fangirls, her smile as wide as the Cheshire Cat's.
I chuckle a bit, finding this funny. I always knew that other institutes knew about my friends' and my own struggles against evil, but never to the extent where they found us "legendary". I didn't think we were looked up to, so it brings an odd feeling to know we are.
"This is so cool." She bites her lip in joy, slightly jumping up and down, but as quickly as she started, she stops. Her eyebrows furrow together as she looks at me, her eyes showing realization. "Your institute is back in New York, as well as your friends and family. What are you doing here?" She asks agog, waiting for a response.
"Where exactly is here?" I inquire, looking around once again, not finding this place even remotely similar to the one I imagined when I opened the portal. Nadia looks around as I do, too, laughing as if she read my thoughts.
"Yeah, you'd think you're somewhere provincial since all that surrounds us is grassland, but nah. We're in Florida, this is a just a ghost place I like to come to so I can train in an open area from time-to-time. It's good to have some fresh air while you train once in a blue moon, it gets you used to fighting out in open space." She explains, vanishing all doubts from my mind. So the portal did take me to where I wanted to go.
Florida.
How strange for it to bring me exactly where Nadia happened to be. I brush the coincidence away and look at Nadia. "I want a clean slate, to start over. As far away from New York as possible." I finally tell Nadia, answering her question from minutes ago.
Nadia bites the inside of her lip while thinking and nods understandingly. "So..boy problems, huh?" She looks at me, a small smile creeping up on her face.
I look at her in shock. "What, no? How'd you get that from what I said?" I pretend to laugh so as to not give away my astonishment, though I'm sure she already noticed it.
"It's obvious, you look sad. It's written all over your face and your eyes give it away." she shrugs. "I also have a good intuition." She beams. "I've heard about how noble and humble and loving you are and I believe it if you did so much for the Shadowhunter realm, so I know you wouldn't just up and leave Jace and your family and friends if it weren't for a good reason." She apprises me.
She walks towards me and puts her arm around my shoulder, walking and taking me with her. "In time, you'll tell me what happened. I won't force you to now. But I'll be here in case you need someone to talk to." She looks at me, looking deep into my eyes, showing me she's sincere.
I feel myself genuinely smile, wrapping my arm around her shoulder, too, knowing she and her intentions are genuine. It gives me a sliver of peace, finally calming me down after everything that has happened.
"For now, let's get you settled into the institute." She cheerfully squeals, happy she gets to have me living with her.
She laughs, removing her arm from around me and pulling a stele out of her pants, opening a portal to, most likely, the Florida institute.
She looks back at me cheerily,
"We'll get along swimmingly."
Two years later
Clary
"Nadia!" I shout, wiping away sweat that drips down my face with my free hand, breathing in and out heavily. I throw down my Seraph blade, that I hold in my other hand, on the padded training room floor, walking to a table that holds an array of weapons and Shadowhunter gear in case they're needed.
I pick up a rag from the table, one that I brought and placed there earlier. I quickly clean my face of sweat, hating the sensation of it laying on my skin.
"Hold up, I'm busy!" She shouts back, her voice coming from a distance, making me wonder where she could've went.
I groan, wanting to get back to training immediately, knowing that if we don't start again soon I'll lose my motivation and get sluggish.
I throw the rag back down on the table and walk to where I left my water bottle. I swipe it off the floor and drink some water while looking at the new dummies that were delivered to the institute a few days ago. Shreds of the dummies' materials hang off their bodies, looking completely ruined and unable to be used again.
I was practicing on it only minutes ago, using a whip, since my skills with one aren't so keen, and now they're all ruined and done to bits.
I close my water bottle and hold it in my hand, staring at the dummies, thinking about how pissed Nadia is going to be once she sets her sight on them. I laugh at the thought, knowing she's going to kill me for destroying the dummies before she could even get to practice on them.
After minutes pass by, I realize Nadia won't come back anytime soon so I plop down on the padded training room floor and lay down on it, catching a break before she comes back.
When she does, it'll be time to practice relentlessly again, so might as well catch a break and soak up whatever free time I have before she comes back.
Remember when Nadia said, and I quote, "We'll get along just swimmingly"?
Well, she was right.
We're Parabatai now, the closest of best friends you can ever imagine, inseparable.
Nadia and I are the best Shadowhunters of our age and generation. We've killed the most demons in the world, which gives us our title.
When I came to the Florida institute I was hurt and in immense pain from what happened with Jace but I relentlessly invested that pain into my training and studies, day and night. I trained hard and studied vastly. I strived to be a good Shadowhunter and became the best with my Parabatai and best friend.
I'm Seventeen now.
A lot has changed since I came to the Florida institute. My attitude towards things, my style, my look, my skills, etc. I'm a changed person.
I'm not the old Clary, the weak and sensitive one that couldn't wield a blade, the one who couldn't defend herself or the ones she loved. I'm stronger now, physically and mentally. I'm improved and I love it because I'm finally okay with who and the way I am.
In my school I'm well known, whereas before I was one of those background kids along with Simon, a wallflower. I'm friendly, but respected. I'm rude to no one and no one is rude to me.
I wear a light amount of makeup to school so I can look lively and not as dead as I do when I wake up.
I wear a lot of black now, my whole wardrobe mainly has black clothes. Not because Shadowhunters wear black all the time, but because as time passed I started growing fond of the color and finding comfort in it.
I do occasionally wear some color in my outfit, but not so much. I usually go for dark, neutral, or earth toned colors.
As I changed, I started changing into a Shadowhunter. I enjoy that I changed into one, and take pride in it, too.
Unlike most teenagers our age, Nadia and I don't like or have cars, they're a waste of money to us and since she and I are adrenaline junkies we got ourselves motorcycles a few months after I came to the institute. The motorcycles feed into our adrenaline and give us that rush we like and need, it's very satisfying.
Suddenly, Nadia runs into the training room, my train of thoughts coming to a halt. I immediately perk up as I notice the alarm on her face, but see her try to conceal it, sparking curiosity and suspicion within me.
She wears a black tank top and gray skinny jeans, wearing the black boxing shoes she usually wears to train. Her usual loose black hair is pulled up into a high pony tail to keep from it getting in her face and way when she trains.
"Clary," She breathes, avoiding eye contact with me, her eyes landing a few inches away from me. She stands by the doorway, shifting her weight to one leg. My eyes narrow the slightest bit. Something's off.
"Some people are asking for you." Nadia informs me, continuing to avoid my gaze.
I bounce up with alert now. In all the time I've been here no one has come asking or looking for me, and yet, here some are.
"Are you okay?" I ask her, pushing aside what she just told me, worrying about her more. I stare at her, waiting for an answer. Nadia tries looking at me, but her stare falters and she clears her throat. "Yeah, of course. I think I'm coming down with something though." She tells me.
I furrow my eyebrows and decide to go along with what she said. After all, she's my parabatai.
I get up from the padded floor and walk towards the doorway. "If you say so.." I say in a small sing-song voice, "there's some medicine in one of the cabinets in the kitchen." I let her know.
When I walk out Nadia nods, following behind me. As I walk down the hallway, my curiosity glimmers and I keep thinking about all the possibilities of who the people that came asking for me are, but none make sense. No one knows where I am, I've told no one from my old life. While walking down the stairs that lead to the institute door, I ask Nadia who the people are but she says nothing and gives me a shrug instead.
"Nadia, you're acting very odd." I tell her once we stand in front of the institute's huge, chestnut doors. The institute's doors tower over us with delicate intricate details of Raziel with open wings, his sword in one hand and the mortal cup in the other.
She says nothing, finding her fingers knit together very interesting. "I need you to know I'm not doing this with malignant intentions, I'm doing this for you." She finally looks up and meets my eyes, throwing me off.
Nadia makes her way to open the door and I ask her, "Nadia, what are you going on about?" I look at her with worry, many different situations going through my head as to why she could be telling me this.
Nadia stays silent and holds the iron rings that work as the institute's door handles, ready to pull at them. "Nadia Ro-" I start to walk towards her to get some answers, but when she notices I do so, she quickly opens the door to keep me from getting to her.
The gigantic doors creak from old age as they slowly open, letting sunlight inside the institute, spilling across the whole room and lighting it up.
I step back, the sunlight blinding me and catching me off guard. I avert my eyes from the opening institute doors, raising my arm to shield them from the rays of sunlight that step inside the institute.
When I hear the door no longer creak, I leisurely move my arm from my face and let it fall beside me.
As my eyes slowly adjust to the sun and its beams, I see the silhouette of a group of people standing together. I can't quite make out their faces, so I squint, getting a little closer to them.
As I get closer, my eyes adjust more and more, the shadows no longer shadows, they're people now.
People I didn't think I would ever see again.
Okay! This is the double remake of chapter one, I made it shorter, more detailed, tweaked somethings here and there that I think made this remake better than the last. I hope you guys liked this remake and hope you enjoyed, let me know what you think! :)