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Used
By: czee
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I woke with a start. I was laying still, my body bare.
It was chaos outside, another cold and rainy night. The rain is crashing on my windows; the wind, furiously rattling my doors, begging entrance to my sanctuary, only to wreak chaos and destruction once more. But I think nothing of it. I lay still.
My senses slowly start returning to me. The marble floor is hard on my head. Each touch on my bare skin is cold and painful. But I ignore this. I lay still.
I am engulfed in darkness. The sun has set, robbing me of what light I had. A few steps from me is a light switch. But I don't think of it. I just lay still.
I thought for a minute. But nothing made sense.
Where am I? Why am I here? What happened?
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"I'm coming over later Ayu. You don't mind that right? We should hang out more. We are still friends anyway right?" Hiroki Tsujiai smiled at me. That smile that always gets me. Is it any wonder why I said yes?
"Of course!" I replied with that same warm smile and a hint of enthusiasm. But I know my eyes are blank. And I know he does not notice this. I know that he is painfully oblivious.
"That's good to know. Maybe we can have a movie marathon or something. Just like old times." Another smile from him and I found myself smiling and nodding again. Beside me is Kaji. He knows it pains me. He knows how much pain I'm going through. He looks at me and I get what he's asking.
Why?
I hate that question. Because I know I can never answer it well. Why do I keep doing this? Why do I keep hurting myself more by going with Tsujiai?
Because I am a stupid girl I tell him. My stellar grades are just numbers, don't let it fool you. I'm a really stupid girl.
No words were needed. He got what I said and he shakes his head at me in disappointment. That was the same answer I gave him last time. And the time before that. He is not alone. I'm disappointed in myself as well.
"Great. I'll see you later then." Tsujiai's words send me back to reality and the next thing I know is he's walking away. Again.
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I am lying on my bed and Tsujiai is next to me. A movie is on but I don't know what's happening, let alone what it is. I've stopped paying attention when he grabbed my feet.
"I'm gonna give you a massage. It helps make people feel better." That's what he said. But I knew what he meant. I knew what a "massage" to him was. But I didn't stop him. I know I should have. But I didn't.
His hand travels up. I remain motionless.
Higher and higher. I lay still.
Again with the why's.
Because it made me feel it again. That feeling I used to get when it was still us. Because it make me feel like he still loves me.
But I knew he didn't. I knew what he wanted.
And I gave in.
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I was sitting on the bathroom floor naked. My clothes are strewn all over my bedroom floor. I told Tsujiai I was just going to wash up a bit. I don't think he even heard me. He was just lying in the bed, a satisfied smile plastered on his face.
But no smile was on my face. Because the feeling is gone. That feeling that he still loves me is gone. Reality slapped me in the face once again, but this time bearing the words used.
Because he used me again. He played with my feelings to get what he wanted. He knows I'm weak. He knows I couldn't resist him.
And the worst part about the whole thing is, he's right. I didn't stop him. I didn't even give the slightest hint of resistance. I gave him what he wanted.
Why?
Because maybe it's in one of those moments that he'll realize he still loves me.
But when I think of that, I cry again. Because I know I am only kidding myself. Because I know he doesn't love me. And will probably never will again. Because that tiny hope I have in me is always crushed by his actions, his words, everything he has become.
And so I cry and cry and cry, hoping things will be back. Then I cry some more. Because he just crushed whatever hope I have again.
A knock on the bathroom door make me leave my thoughts..
"Ayu? Are you okay?" I managed to answer him with a yes.
"Well, I have to go. We should do this again sometime. It was fun." No. No, no, no, no…
I stand up and fix up as fast as possible. I open the bathroom door and I hear the front door slam shut.
I'm too late. And everything turned black.
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I awake with a start. I am laying still, my body bare.
The rain and the wind were pounding on my doors and windows.
The cold marble floor was piercing on my bare skin.
It's dark but I could see clearly.
Everything was how it was when he left. My clothes were thrown about the place. And him. His smell. His scent. His sex lingered in the room. Engulfing my senses. Almost drowning me.
But there is no sign of him. He walked away from me. Again.
"Bastard… I hate you…." I whisper. But I know I don't mean it. That I'd welcome him with open arms if he comes knocking on my door, knowing well that he'd leave me once again.
And that after everything's said and done, it's me who's left used and crying again.
Authors Notes: Confused? Everything italicized is a flashback and it jumps from scene to scene. The last part (the one not italicized) starts exactly where the first part starts only less detailed and with the continuation.
I really hope it wasn't that bad. Reviews and comments are much loved. Please leave me one!
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