Remus Lupin shivered and put down the book he was reading. He moved his chair closer to the fire, and pulled his worn robes tighter around him. He stared into the flames, trying to forget that he was alone, that he was hungry and cold. He sighed, and cast his mind back to happier days. The memories hurt him. The faces he saw, the echoes of voices he heard made him feel worse than the cold, the hunger and the loneliness ever could.
What happened?
he asked himself. We were so happy then. Nothing lasts forever …but we could never have seen, never have known… It's strange how things change…*
Remus sat blindly on the tiny stool, shaking with nerves as the sorting hat tried to decide where to put him.
Did everyone feel this nervous when they started?
he wondered. He didn't think so, somehow. But then everyone else didn't have his past, his future. Everyone else didn't have his secret."Kind, generous," said the sorting hat. "Extremely charismatic. Bright, oh yes bright. But no confidence. No confidence at all. Still, plenty of courage that can be called on if necessity dictates…so, yes we'll go for
GRYFFINDOR!"
Remus stood up, still shaking, and took off the hat. There was less cheering for him than there had been for those before him, but then he knew nobody here. He looked at the people round the table he was heading for. Three of them were cheering loudly, although they did not even know his name. A tall boy with messy hair and glasses. Another boy next to him, taller and also with black hair. And a girl opposite them, long red hair and green eyes. They were all grinning and they looked kind. He sat down next to the girl who introduced herself as Lily, and smiled at the two boys, who introduced themselves as James, wearing the glasses, and Sirius.
"I'm Remus Lupin," he started, smiling. "I prefer just Lupin though…"
*
He smiled at the memory. Of people who had been nice to him straight away. Of the first people he had not been forced to distance himself from. The first people to accept him. The first people he ever counted as friends.
*
"What?"
Remus looked up at James incredulous face.
"I know," he muttered, looking down at the patched knees of his blue jeans. "I'm sorry, I should have told you before we…."
"Oh, shut up!" James said, but when Remus looked back up, he was smiling kindly. "You really thought we'd care? You think we don't want to be friends with you just because of that?"
"What?" It was Lupin's turn to look disbelieving. "You mean…you don't mind?"
Sirius laughed, his eyes twinkling.
"Oh come on! Of course we don't mind! Hey…" he added, turning to James. "I've had….."
"…..an idea!" James finished, and they walked off, talking quietly and grinning mischievously.
Lupin stared after them.
"But…..in the past….I've never had….well, everyone…nobody wanted to be friends with me……because….of this."
"You know us better than that, surely," said Lily, quiet and serious. "We'll always be your friends. Always. Whatever."
Lupin smiled, his handsome face tired but happy.
*
Lupin closed his eyes. It was too much, the memories, the pain, again and again, when he slept, when he woke, never slowing, never stopping, never letting him live, never letting him forget.
* * * * *
Sirius leaned back against the wall of the cave he was staying in. He had lit a fire, and it was roaring away happily but he was still cold. He had eaten very little in the last few weeks. He hated being cut off from civilisation like this. He could run around Hogsmeade whenever he liked, as a dog, but he gained little comfort from seeing ordinary wizarding folk going about their business. He was not one of them. It grieved him to see the warm glow of the shop lights, to see people going round arm in arm, shopping then into the Hog's Head or the Three Broomsticks for a drink to warm them up. It hurt him more than anything, to see the world he had once belonged to, and the world he could never belong in again.
He closed his eyes and tried to stop the memories that always haunted him during the long nights.
*
"YES! Yes, yes we've done it! Ha haaaa!"
Sirius jumped up and down and danced around the common room.
"We did it, we finally did it!"
James joined in, racing around madly, screaming at the top of his voice.
"WOOHOO!! We did it! We did it! Yeah!!"
"I can't believe it," Peter Pettigrew muttered quietly from the corner. "I can't believe it."
Remus smiled, his exhaustion showing in his face, more so than ever before.
"Lily!" James yelled as their friend climbed through the portrait hole. "We did it!" He rushed over to her and grabbed her hands, spinning her around and around. "We did it!" he repeated breathlessly as they stopped spinning. "Finally! We're animagi!"
Lily grinned. "I knew you would…..eventually!"
"Eventually! Hah! It didn't take us that long…" said Sirius.
"Er….I hate to tell you, but you've been trying for about four years," said Lupin, laughing.
"Oh yeah," said Sirius, laughing too. Soon they were all laughing madly. Sirius stood back for a second, just watching. He looked round at his friends as they cheered and yelled, pushing each other and joking around, happy to have finally achieved what they had been working toward ever since they had discovered that Remus was a werewolf. He was so contented, so happy. They were all so happy, and so blissfully unaware of what lay ahead.
*
What happened to those people?
he wondered now. What happened to those kids who laughed and joked and broke the rules? They're not here now…..*
"We're getting married!"
"WHAT! That's so GREAT!"
Sirius threw his arms around Lily and James.
"YOU! MARRIED! I can't believe it!"
"Sirius, we want you to be best man. Would you?"
Sirius could hardly believe it. Lily and James, two of his closest friends, were getting married. And they wanted him to be best man.
"You want me….to be…."
"Will you?" said Lily, her happiness showing clearly on her pretty face.
"Of course I will! James, it would be the biggest honour in the world!"
"Thankyou," James said, and Sirius put his hand on his shoulder.
"Congratulations. Congratulations Lily." He kissed Lily on the cheek.
"Where's Moony?" he said suddenly. "We've got to tell him. We've got to tell him NOW! Come on! Lupin!"
He heard Lily and James laughing at him as he capered off down the street, yelling as loud as he could.
"Lupin! Come here now! Where are you you idiot! Lupin, come here!"
*
He couldn't help smiling at the memory of his young self. And he couldn't help weeping at the memory of his dead friends.
*
Sirius looked down at the tiny child, his messy black hair just like his father's, his green eyes just like his mother's.
"Of course I'll be his godfather, Lily. And what about a name? Have you thought of one yet?"
"Yes. Harry. What do you think? Harry Potter."
He looked once more at the smiling baby.
"It's perfect. Suits him down to the ground. Harry Potter."
Harry Potter, who would grow up with his loving parents and devoted godfather. Harry Potter who would be safe, and not have to face danger, and not have to fight for his life and those of his friends. Harry Potter who would not be famous, would not be known by everyone. Harry Potter who would have an ordinary life.
*
That was who he was then
Sirius thought. That was who I was too. But that all changed. He put his head in his hands. It's all gone now….And how could it possibly come back?
* * * * *
Peter, Wormtail, turned and fled from the room in which his master resided. He was terrified. He never got things right, and Lord Voldemort was very harsh on him. He had to get it this time. If he didn't, he'd surely be killed.
Why did you turn to Voldemort?
he asked himself. Why did you let yourself become a slave to the darkness?Because,
he answered himself, you thought there was something to gain. Power, greatness. You watched those around you become great as you struggled to equal them. You called yourself their friend and they helped you, unwitting, but still you could not hope to rival them. You thought that with dark magic at your back you could finally be seen to be as great as them. And in fact, why be as great when you could be greater?But it didn't work like that, did it,
he muttered bitterly to himself as he moved through the dark woods. Instead of giving you power, the power you desired, the power you deserved, Voldemort made you a slave. He gave you slavery from which there is no escape but death.Wormtail shuddered involuntarily. He was afraid of death. And he was afraid of Voldemort.
You were stupid to think it would turn out different,
his own thoughts mocked him. Did you really believe Voldemort would give you power? Did you believe he would make you great?*
"I can get you the Potters," he muttered, terrified of the very person he was addressing. "Sirius….Black wants them to make me their secret keeper! They will listen to him….my lord. I am sure of it. They trust him beyond everyone, beyond Dumbledore. I can get you them," he repeated. "All I want is……"
"Shut up, Pettigrew!" Voldemort said loudly. Peter flinched. "Alright. Get me the Potters. Get me them, and I will spare you…."
What? Spare me? No, no this wasn't supposed to happen. I wanted power! I was supposed to be the one in control of this deal
……and now he was trapped. He had come here for his personal gain, but he had lost his freedom forever."Yes, Lord," he muttered, and left hurriedly.
*
You had to do it
he told himself. It was too late. Although you knew you could no longer gain anything, you had no choice but to serve him. He would have killed you. You couldn't have done anything else.He thought of Lily and James. It was a shame that they had to die. They'd been nice to him, although he was slow, although he was nothing like them. Although they'd had nothing in common, they'd taken him in, made him their friend. But they'd been better than him. All of them, Lupin and Sirius too. They'd been brighter, more popular. And his jealousy had grown, burning inside him for years on end. And he'd killed them, and framed Sirius for murder. He'd killed them. He'd killed two honest, decent people, too trusting to see through him.
That was strange
he thought. He'd almost felt remorse.