Notes: Recommendation - Listen to "You and I" by PVRIS on repeat while reading this fic.
Bonnie wakes up one morning to find a man standing in her dorm room, dressed mostly in black, frowning as he watches his hand pass through the textbook on her desk.
"Who the hell are you?" she practically squeaks, unconsciously pulling her sheets up to her neck. The man turns to her, startled, but quickly recovers - his face flickers between shock and amusement before turning perfectly blank.
"I'm the one who gets people to do things they don't want to do," he says, a ghost of a smile on his lips. But he shakes his head before Bonnie can yell at him to get out. His face turns completely serious. "You can see me." It's not a question but a statement.
"Of course I can see you!" Bonnie glances over at the two other empty beds but spots Caroline's emergency baseball bat. "And you didn't answer the question." She's grinding her teeth, moving herself toward something to attack with.
"Enzo," he says, and Bonnie notices that he has followed her gaze towards her weapon of choice. He lifts his hands up in surrender, taking a hesitant step forward. "I'm not here to hurt you. In fact - " Bonnie stiffens for a moment when he lowers an arm, but her mouth drops instead.
His hand passes through the table beside him.
Bonnie stands up quickly, no longer concerned with nighttime attire. "That's impossible," she breathes out, moving closer to him. Her hand hovers in front of his chest before she pushes it forward - she shivers as she passes through him, as if he's not there, chills running up her arm. Enzo watches her, still, but his eyes close when she pulls back.
"I shouldn't be here. I don't belong here." He speaks quietly, softly, his accent giving his voice only the slightest of edges. Bonnie looks up at him, only just noticing how close he is. Whatever he is.
"What are you?" she asks, because he's attractive but he's here but not here and it is too damn early for this.
Enzo shrugs, his fingers twitching. "Probably a ghost. But that still doesn't - "
"A ghost? " Bonnie laughs, loud and biting, and Enzo raises an eyebrow at her. "You can't be serious." Enzo swipes a hand through her and Bonnie jumps at the sudden cold. "Don't do that!"
He smirks, all teeth, and she wants to hit him. He walks through the table again to stand near Elena's bed. "It worked though," he says, his finger ghosting over a picture on the nightstand - Bonnie, Caroline, and Elena in their graduation gowns, grinning at the camera. Enzo circles Caroline's bed now, studying her pictures, pausing in front of one with her and Matt, Tyler pulling a face in the background. "There's no pictures of them."
"Who?" Bonnie watches him walk around the room, passing through completely solid objects, his face carefully betraying nothing except a deep thoughtfulness. Other than pausing at the calendar on Caroline's desk - March 10th - Enzo keeps moving. He ignores her, but she notices his hands twitching every time she moves closer to him. "This is crazy."
"You have no idea." He turns back to her now, slowly moving closer. She can't look away from him - and despite the calm face he wears, she notices that his eyes flicker with something resembling either amusement or terror.
"What?" she asks, because he's studying her face, as if memorizing it - actually, as if he has it memorized, but he's confirming his mental picture to the real thing. Bonnie feels exposed. She feels warm. "What? " she says again, this time stepping back, and Enzo blinks.
"Sorry." He shakes his head, stuffing his hands in his pockets, and sighs. "I'm sorry. This is just - "
"Crazy."
"Yeah."
The stand in silence, Bonnie in her pajamas and Enzo looking everywhere else but her. Finally, Bonnie sighs. "Why me?"
"Hm?"
"Why can I see you?" Bonnie tilts her head, circling him now, making mental notes of the muscles hidden under his long-sleeve shirt and the too-much gel in his hair. "Am I the only one?"
She catches Enzo's smile, as if he knows what she's doing, but she ignores it. He stands straighter. "I think so. Caroline and Elena didn't notice me when they left."
Bonnie crosses her arms around her chest and stands in front of him. "How do you know their names?"
He opens his mouth, pauses, and then closes it. She raises her eyebrows at him, and he rolls his eyes. "Let's just say - I know them. I know things. It's complicated." Bonnie, unsatisfied, steps closer to him. She's proud to notice that he gulps when she glares up at him. "I don't belong here, love."
Bonnie freezes, her stomach fluttering at his face betrayed the first sign of true emotion - fear, sadness, and - longing. She resists the urge to touch him. "Don't call me that." She lets her arms fall to her side. "Where should you be then?" She decides to switch tactics, because clearly he has no idea what is happening either.
"In a cell, probably," he says, suddenly chipper. "In fact, maybe he missed - we are at Whitmore…" he trails off, a small frown on his face. When he notices that she's looking at him utterly confused, he smiles. "Truthfully, this version of me - I should be dead. Again. Likely in hell this time." Bonnie opens her mouth - what the hell are you blabbering about, can you please stop this cryptic bullshit - but Enzo closes the distance between them suddenly, and her heart shivers, his chest just blending into hers. "Please don't ask me to explain. I - I can't."
He is so serious, so firm, but his eyes - he's terrified. So Bonnie doesn't move. "Okay." Neither back away, and she's just as terrified because she's losing all thought in his eyes. "On one condition."
Enzo smiles, small but warm, and Bonnie has to smile back. "Of course."
"If you're still haunting me in a year, let me help you move on. Find peace. Whatever it is ghosts do." She can't stop staring at him - she doesn't want to break eye contact.
He swallows, and Bonnie's distracted by the movement of his Adam's apple, but then his fingers linger over her cheek. "Okay." His hand drops. "I'll leave you alone now."
He steps - floats - back and Bonnie blinks.
He's gone.
Enzo reappears a week later.
She had been too busy to even think of him - with midterms and her best friends' boy drama - but the moment she does, sitting by herself at a cafe and curled into a leathered sofa, he appears sitting on the coffee table.
"Took you long enough," he says as a greeting and Bonnie rolls her eyes, too surprised by his sudden reappearance to remark back. Enzo glances around, at all the people reading and studying and talking, and points to her headphones. "Put those in, it'll look like you're just talking on the phone."
Bonnie says nothing in response, not letting herself be impressed by his quick thinking. "Where have you been?" she asks after the buds are in, just barely above a whisper.
"Around." He leans back onto the table, stretching his legs out, his feet resting on the bottom of her chair. "Seems someone has been too busy to think about me."
"What are you talking about?" She tries not to look at him too long, but she figures a little glare is in order.
Enzo smirks, curling back up, elbows resting on his knees. "I only show up if you're thinking about me. I'm always here, around, you just can't see me unless - "
"I think about you." Bonnie sighs, resting her head on the back of her chair. "How is it you know so much about being a ghost but you don't actually know how you became a ghost."
His smile is sad now. "I had a - a friend. She used to be an anchor. A go-between." His smile curls upward into a smirk, but the sadness in his eyes doesn't leave. "Like you are. You remind me of her."
Bonnie knows there's more to this story, but decides to leave it. Instead, she stretches herself out, and subtly signals for him to sit next to her. He does, that teethy smirk on his face, and she immediately regrets asking him to move closer. She sits with one knee bent the other hanging over the couch. His arm rests on the back of the sofa, his fingers inches away from curling into her hair. She ignores them. "So what you're telling me is that you've been stalking me."
Enzo rolls his eyes. "No, I have not been stalking you. Just - watching."
"Stalking," says Bonnie, but there's no hardness to it. She doesn't know what it's like to be a ghost, but somehow she understands it's likely hard to control. "Which means you probably know more about me than I know about you."
His face is hard to read, Bonnie quickly discovers, especially when he's trying to hide himself behind a lack of expression. "Not a terrible assumption." He moves his arm away, to hold up his head. "What would you like to know?"
"Let's start with the basics. I know your name. How old are you?"
"That's complicated."
"How is that complicated? How many birthdays have you had? How long have you lived?"
Enzo scratches his head, avoiding her eyes. "Remember how there's some things I can't explain? This is one of them."
"You can't explain how old you are?" Enzo nods and Bonnie narrows her eyes. "Fine. What's your last name?"
"I think it's St. John. That's what I tell people anyway."
"You think?"
Enzo smirks again and Bonnie knows she's about to groan out loud. "It's complicated."
She's right. "This is ridiculous. What can you tell me?"
He glances around, and Bonnie pulls her textbook back into her lap, pretending to read as someone walks past them. Enzo sighs, fingers twitching. "I grew up as an orphan. Never knew my family - a couple years ago I thought I had found them, but - it didn't work out." There's a ghost of something behind his eyes, but it fades too quickly for Bonnie to determine what it is. "I met a woman one day and she saved me. Took care of me." His voice is low, steady, but there's an edge to it. "Her son - eventually, he became my best friend. I thought I had found a family in him and his new family. But - " Enzo sighs, twisting so he's no longer facing her. "Things didn't work out."
"What happened?"
Enzo turns his head, lying against the backrest, to look at her. He smirks again. "I can't tell you."
Bonnie groans in frustration. "Fine! What about this guy's family? What were they like?"
"They weren't really family, or at least not by blood. They were - an odd group. A medley of crazies, who had gone through hell and back with each other. Literally," he says, the corners of his lips curled slightly. His eyes cloud over and Bonnie finds herself intrigued by his wistful tone. "There was bad blood, and there had been heartbreak, but at the end of the day - they always picked each other."
Bonnie feels a pang in gut. "Sounds like my friends." Enzo looks intrigued. "You - well, you know Elena and Caroline. They've been my best friends since forever. Even now, they're my sisters. And Matt and Tyler - they've always been there for me, no matter what. Matt decided to stay at home, to become a cop, but we all get together all the time. And Jeremy too."
"Interesting," says Enzo, a slightly tick in his jaw. When Bonnie frowns, he shakes his head. "I know them too," he finally admits and Bonnie's frown grows deeper.
"How - "
"You don't want to ask me that."
Bonnie bits her lip, glaring, but she lets out a breath and closes her eyes. "Fine. Fine. I don't like this."
He smiles, his hand hovering over her knee without touching it. "I know. I'm sorry. But it's for the best. Especially if you're going to keep thinking about me."
She rolls her eyes but she finds it difficult to resist the grin that spreads on her face. He grins too. "Then tell me about these friends of yours. You met them through - " she furrows her forehead, realizing he never gave any names. "The son?"
"We can call him Dylan."
"You met them through Dylan?"
"Well, yes, technically," he says. He looks straight at her, smirking. "But I also met a girl."
Bonnie rolls her eyes with a tiny smile. "Of course you did." She shifts in her seat. "What was she like?"
"Like the sun. She was loud, bright, but also likely to kill you without hesitation." Enzo grins as Bonnie frowns. "Terribly neurotic, she loved bringing everyone together. She was - she was like sunshine."
"That sounds like - "
"Let's call her Carol." Bonnie wants to protest but Enzo stares straight at her.
Her heart sinks a little. "Was she your girlfriend?" she asks, carefully controlling her voice to remain steady. When Enzo laughs, loudly, Bonnie glances around quickly but no one notices.
"No," says Enzo, still grinning. "I loved her - she was my friend. She reminded me that I was a good person, that I just needed to find the right family to love." The smile fades slightly to turn thoughtful, a glint in his eye that turns intense. "My fiancee - the woman I fell in love with - she was different."
Bonnie ignores her stomach, twirling and flipping and stretching. She just wants to talk to Enzo, get to know him, since he doesn't seem to be leaving. That's it. "What was she like?"
Enzo glances up at the clock. "Maybe some other time, love." He nods behind her. "I believe you have a date with your friends soon."
Bonnie glances at her watch and quickly realizes he is right. "So you were stalking me." She packs up her stuff, leaving her headphones in. As she swings her backpack over her shoulder, it passes through Enzo who shudders.
"I told you, I was just watching." Bonnie moves to leave, and she notices that Enzo follows, only just bothering to move out of the way as to not pass through unsuspecting people. He passes through the door before she can open it and she does her best to not roll her eyes, again.
"You don't have to follow me," she whispers. He has his hands in his pockets, back straight, and he shrugs.
"I know."
They walk in step, his nonexistent footsteps echoing in her head. He whistles a foreign melody, but it's beautiful, and she wants to ask him what song it is but they are people everywhere. Bonnie may know she's crazy for entertaining this ghost , but she'd like to avoid others from thinking so as well.
She tugs both of her earbuds out when she finally arrives at the diner, spotting Elena and Caroline at a booth in the back. Turning slightly, she notices that Enzo is still there, staring at both Elena and Caroline with a thoughtful look. Bonnie wants to nudge him, ask him with her eyes what's going on in his head, but instead, Elena calls out to her and she waves back.
It's only halfway through their dinner that she realizes Enzo is no longer there.
"Can you read my mind?"
Enzo looks up from the book he's reading - she has been graciously flipping the pages for him - and frowns. He's lying beside her on the bed on his stomach. "No," he says. He tries to blow down a page that keeps creeping up, but his breath, like the rest of him, simply proves unable to influence anything. "Why do you ask?"
Bonnie crawls forward so she's matching his position - stomach down, bare feet hidden beneath her pillows - and holds down the page. "You just - know things. About all my friends. Me."
He looks at her, his shoulder holding his weight. "I can't read your mind, Bonnie. It's more complicated than that."
She's used to this excuse, but it does not irritate her any less. "I hate this," she says instead, slamming her textbook shut. "Why are you even here if you can't tell me anything!"
Enzo sighs, sitting up. The book he had been reading flickers shut but neither of them cares. "I'm sorry." His hands pull at each other in his lap. "I wish - I wish things were different. And if you want me to leave, I will. Even if you think about me - I will - " He closes his eyes, swallowing, and it's the first time in the month since he appeared that Bonnie can truly and clearly read him. "I will leave. I shouldn't be here. I don't belong here."
It's a mantra he has repeated several times during their meetings. I shouldn't be here. I don't belong here. Bonnie always wants to question him, probe him further, but there's always a mix of emotions hidden in the way his fingers twitch or his eyes glitter with a hint of sadness. So she says nothing, changes the subject, and pretends she doesn't want to hug him. Instead, she offers to turn the pages of a book, or watch TV with him, or anything to keep him company in her spare moments. At first, he only appeared every few days, when her thoughts ran away from her in class or as she fell asleep. But then she catches him in the corner of her vision more frequently - everyday, especially as she winds down, when Caroline and Elena spend the night at their boyfriends'. Now, without her consciously aware of it, he's always there.
So when he says that he doesn't belong, that he shouldn't be here, she's honestly a little offended. "You need to stop thinking that," she says. "I'm the one who sees you. I'm the one thinking about you and bringing you - out."
Enzo frowns. "Bonnie - you don't understand - "
"No, I don't! Because you won't tell me anything!" Bonnie pulls at her hair slightly before letting her hands fall onto the bed. "You keep saying that you know me, but all I know is that I've got some strange man stalking me all day who's supposed to be dead!"
He pulls his face into the perfect appearance of control. "You're right," he says, quietly and calmly and that's all it takes for Bonnie to let out a deep breath. "I've been selfish. You need to move on. Without me."
"No, Enzo, that's not what I mean - "
He shakes his head. "Don't think about me, love. Please. It's just making it harder." Enzo pauses, studying her face again like the first time they had met. Although, she begins to wonder if that really was the first time -
"It's making what harder?" She's desperate for something because he's just this mystery in her head - but maybe he's right, maybe she's making herself crazy caring about this ghost that may not even be real, but all in her own imagination. But he feels real.
"I was supposed to let you go," he says, standing. He glances at the doorway. "They're back. Don't think about me anymore. You're supposed to move on. I'm not supposed to be here."
"Stop - " But the door swings open before she can finish and he's gone and her heart stops completely. The panic on her face must be clear, because Caroline's laughter dies quickly as she steps in the room, Elena right beside her.
"Bonnie? You okay?" Caroline exchanges a look with Elena when Bonnie doesn't answer, because she's still trying to sort through what just happened. "You look like you've seen a ghost."
Elena places a hand on her shoulder and Bonnie shakes her head to clear the clutter. "No - no ghost." Her heart hurts and she doesn't really know why. "I'm fine. Just - too much French. Need some sleep."
"You and me both."
Bonnie falls asleep that night, but her bed feels lonely and cold. And even when she finally tiptoes the line of dreamstate, just before she falls off, all that echoes in her head is his voice.
I don't belong here.
Bonnie does not see him for three months. She thinks about him, every now and then, but he never appears. He becomes a faint memory, a dream she once had a long time ago. There are times when she thinks she sees a flicker of him in her peripheral, but then she blinks. He's no longer real to her.
In that time, Matt proposes to Elena. Tyler and Caroline break up twice and get back together both times. They all travel back to Mystic Falls for summer break before their final year of college. It's a whirlwind of thoughts about the future, about commitment and promises - about reality.
It's mid-July when Tyler decides to throw a midsummer "we're not at college but we're still gonna throw a college party" party. Despite her initial hesitation, Bonnie agrees to go with Caroline and Elena. They pick out dresses together, raid Elena's aunt's stash for booze, and arrive fashionably late - but Matt swings open the door before they even knock.
"Finally," he says, kissing Elena with big smile. Bonnie looks at Caroline and rolls her eyes. "Tyler told me I'm not allowed to drink until you all got here."
"Well that's lame," says Caroline, slipping past the couple - Matt with his arms around Elena's waist and Elena with her head on his shoulder - and heading straight for the kitchen. Bonnie follows her, leaving the engaged couple to say their hellos.
In the kitchen, Caroline hugs Tyler from behind. Bonnie ignores them as she pours herself a shot from the Lockwood's liquor cabinet. When she's done, biting back the acid as it scratches down her insides, Tyler waves her over.
"Glad you came," he says, arm around Caroline's waist and red cup in hand. Caroline hands her one of her own cups.
Bonnie shrugs. "I was convinced by the best," she says, smiling at her best friend. Caroline lifts her cup in response and the two clink their plastic cups together.
"Ooh!" Caroline wipes alcohol away from her mouth and waves to someone behind Bonnie. "James! Over here."
Bonnie immediately suspects she knows what happens next. And she's right.
"Bonnie, this is Matt's friend James. He's been helping out at the Grill," says Caroline.
James offers her a hand. "Nice to meet you, Bonnie."
Bonnie shakes it, doing her best to make sure her smile appears genuine. It's not that he isn't cute - blonde hair, very tall, eyes that could make any girl melt. But she's not quite sure she's in the mood for a set-up. "You too," she says, and his hands are soft. He smiles, bright and warm, and Bonnie has to smile too.
James invites her to dance, so they do, and it may be the alcohol catching up to her - she's pretty sure Elena invites her to do tequila shots at some point - but James becomes more attractive as the night goes on.
He's tall. His hands rest on her waist with a ease and lightness that Bonnie can enjoy as they sway to the music. He kisses her and she doesn't push him back - she decides then that it's been too long, her bed too lonely, and even if it's not completely her style, if there's a stranger here and willing…
Bonnie steps back and smiles. Leaning closer to him, she whispers in his ear. "No strings?"
James raises an eyebrow, but he's grinning. "No strings."
Bonnie nods towards the stairs, where people stand in pairs, heads leaned in and cups in their hands. She leads him, completely at ease with her decision, and James follows.
He also does not let go of her hand either. Bonnie isn't sure how she feels about that .
The moment the door shuts behind them, Bonnie pushes him back up against the wall. James lets out a surprised breath, but she quickly kisses him quiet - tongue and lips and fire. Her stomach is screaming, and maybe if she wasn't overwhelmed with sensations - his fingers dancing against the skin under the hem of her shirt, or his other hand roughly palming her breast - she'd take a moment to process what exactly screaming meant. But he pushes her towards the bed in the guest room they've decided to occupy and Bonnie can't help the squeak she releases when she falls back.
James grins down at her, and for a moment, Bonnie imagines it's a smirk and his hair is dark and he's less tall and more muscle; but then he leans over her, grabbing her neck and kissing her. His tongue in her mouth is enough to remind her of the moment - she's at a house party, Tyler's house, with a stranger named James, and she's very turned on.
When he lets go of her, Bonnie pulls on his shirt and he quickly strips it off. Bonnie pulls her own top off, letting it fall on the floor, and he doesn't hesitate to grab her breasts in his hands, massaging them over her bra. As he kisses her neck and shoulders, her hand travels up his bare back.
Bonnie lets her eyes flutter shut, enjoying his lips on her skin. When she leans forward to kiss his shoulder, she opens her eyes.
Enzo is standing in the corner of the room, arms crossed and foot against the wall. His face is carefully emotionless, but Bonnie notices that his fingers dig into his biceps and his jaw ticks.
Bonnie freezes, but James continues kissing her skin, the top of her breasts, her stomach. She closes her eyes, forcing herself to enjoy the feeling of his kisses and his fingers edging closer to her shorts.
But Bonnie looks over James' body, and Enzo is still there.
She blinks several times, trying to erase him, make him leave .
He doesn't.
Sighing, Bonnie gently pushes James off of her. "What?" he asks, frowning and stiff.
"I - I changed my mind. Sorry." She's really not at all sorry, and maybe James hears that in her voice, because he lets out a disappointed sigh.
"Fine, whatever." He grabs his shirt, pulls it back on, and slams the door behind him.
Bonnie counts to three in her head before jumping off the bed and walking straight to him.
"So now you show up? After months? While I'm just about to - " She stops, because he's not looking at her face and she realizes she's still shirtless. "Hey! Up here," she says, pointing to her face.
Enzo sighs, hands now in his pockets. "I wasn't looking at your chest," he says quietly. She hates that his voice is so calm and so steady when she wants to hit him, consume him with the same fire still burning through her. "Where did you get that scar?"
He points to her side, just under her ribcage, and Bonnie automatically uses her arm to cover it. "I had my appendix taken out a while ago and the scar never fully went away." She frowns because he's still frowning. She steps away from him, heading towards her shirt. "What is your problem?
"I don't have any problems. I'm just dead."
She glares at him as she adjusts her top. He stands there, cool and collected and completely unfazed at interrupting, as if he hasn't been gone for months - and it infuriates her.
"It's been months."
Enzo shifts, slightly shrugging, moving away from the wall and towards the bed. He sits down, leaving plenty of space for her to sit as well. "I've actually been in Mystic Falls. Haunting other people."
Bonnie slowly sits on the corner of the bed, as far as possible from Enzo without falling off. "Why now?"
He glances at her sideways, a tiny smirk on his lips, a small slouch in his posture with his hands still in his pockets. "You were thinking about me."
Bonnie crosses her arms. "I thought we were friends. Friends happen to be in my thoughts every once and awhile. You've never shown up then."
"Yes I have." Enzo slides himself backwards so that he's leaning against the headrest, hands crossed behind his head and his legs stretched out in front of him. He crosses his feet at his ankles, one of his feet swaying in and out of her lower back. "I just make sure to not think about you, so I disappear."
"So all those times I thought I saw you - "
"You did."
"And tonight?" Bonnie knows the answer, but she asks the question anyway because maybe hearing it from him will put to rest the screaming and fire and his voice echoing every night in her head. Also, his foot is annoying her. "Why are you still here?"
"I didn't want to stop thinking about you." Enzo looks at her, completely serious and completely still, and Bonnie feels her mouth dry. Her stomach is hot, her face feels warm, and she can't look away from him.
"That isn't fair," she says, barely a whisper, and she didn't really mean to say it. But now that she has - "You can't just - stay away for months , after deciding to leave without even letting me say goodbye and then just - interrupt me! I was doing what you asked! And now you're here - all - "
His smirk sneaks through. "All what?" His biceps stretch in his shirt - the same one he's worn since she first met him.
"All - " She narrows her eyes. Bonnie knows what she wants to say - he's sitting there, attractive and steady and calm, and she's still rushing with adrenaline so she really wants to be able to touch him - but instead she shakes her head. "How can you even sit on a bed anyway? Aren't you supposed to pass through everything?"
Enzo tilts his head. "That's a good question." His hands fall to his lap. "I have no idea." He scoots closer to her using his legs, knee now bent in front of him, a glint in his eye. Bonnie stiffens. She imagines she can feel his presence - his breath on her hair, the warmth of his body inches away from her, his gaze piercing through her skin and bones and blood.
When he lifts his hand, Enzo raises an eyebrow and waits. Bonnie rolls her eyes and hesitantly moves to mirror him. For a second, their hands stay there, nearly touching. But then his hand falls through air, leaving her shivering. "Guess it's just a loophole," says Bonnie, dropping her hand onto the sheets, ignoring that the shivers in combination with his nearness leaves her close to breathless.
He doesn't move back and refuses to look away from her. "I guess so."
Bonnie stares right back. It's a moment. It's a full moment of them staring at each other, unable to look away, the intensity of his gaze setting her on fire but also embracing her in comfortable warmth. She feels safe and completely insane at the same time.
"Please stay." The words leave her lips without her thinking about it, but she doesn't want to take them back. She expects the dreaded, repeated words - I shouldn't be here. I don't belong here.
Enzo does not move. He doesn't answer her either, for what feels like hours, until - "I wish I could touch you," he whispers. His hand lifts up, tracing her from her hair to her cheek, curving past her shoulder and down her arm. He pauses, his hand hovering above hers.
Bonnie can tell there's something of a war raging inside of him. He's staring at his hand and hers, but she can't look away from his face. His jaw tenses and relaxes, an unknown rhythm, while his lips waver in time with his breathing. The fear builds in her, the thought of rejection - "Enzo - "
"I'll stay," he says, finally. He looks at her. There may be a tear in his eye, or maybe he has a glow about him - Bonnie doesn't really know. But her heart soars and she beams. Enzo smiles. "I never could leave you."
Maybe if he wasn't a ghost, and maybe if she wasn't still worried that she was crazy - maybe then she would hug him, hold him, kiss him. But she can't, and despite the way her heart wants to explode and fly at the same time, there's a small part of her that doubts that any of this is really real .
Enzo moves himself closer, his legs almost circling her with one steady on the floor and the other bent around her back. Bonnie twists watching him as his hands trace her again. This time, however, she notices that there's a lightness to him - as if a burden has been lifted and he can truly relax. Even his smile - small, soft, a just barely there curl to the corner of his mouth - seems brighter.
Bonnie decides she likes this version of him the best.
Wedding planning occupies much of Bonnie's free time during the semester, despite Caroline being the officially appointed wedding planner. Even during winter break, when she should be relaxing and spending time with her Grams, Caroline manages to steal away time for them to buy their bridesmaid dresses.
"Elena said we could pick the style as long as we went with the same color as the flowers." Caroline frowns as she scans the store.
"Elena said that?"
Caroline glances sideways at her before smiling innocently. "She said we could pick the style. I picked the color."
Bonnie rolls her eyes but grins. She follows as Caroline circles a group of long dresses, clearly bridesmaid, in different shades of green and blue. "Where is Elena anyway? I thought she wanted to shop with us."
"She should be here soon. Said she was going to be late - something about Jeremy and his life choices."
Bonnie hears a snort beside her. She glances over at Enzo, who tries to look innocent, but she knows better. Bonnie hopes her glare is subtle enough to escape Caroline's notice - and indeed, her best friend is preoccupied with the strapless dress in her hands. Bonnie instead begins flipping through the racks of dresses.
As Bonnie tries to ignore Enzo signaling towards the ugliest dress she has ever seen, Elena arrives. "Sorry! Jeremy and Aunt Jenna had this huge argument about his major and I had to be mediator." Elena glances at the dress in Bonnie's hand - the feathered and almost puke colored dress Enzo picked - and frowns. "Please tell me you are not actually going to try that on."
"Oh, god, of course not," says Bonnie, grimacing and stuffing the dress as far back into the rack as possible. Enzo doesn't bother stifling his laughter. "I was just getting it out of the way."
Elena helps her pick out a few options - Caroline needs no help, of course - before heading to the dressing room. Caroline slips into a stall and Bonnie picks one across from her. Before locking the door, however, Enzo leans against it.
"No peeking," she whispers, not really sure why she even needs to say it. But he chuckles and the door maybe vibrates and Bonnie turns to her dresses.
The first one is too tight. She can barely breathe, and even if the dress was adjusted, Bonnie is not a fan of the flare in the skirt. Bonnie wants to just shed it and move onto the next one, but she knows Caroline and Elena - she has to show them. Unfortunately, while she's fine holding the back of the dress to show her best friends that her breasts are falling out, they're not the only ones waiting.
Bonnie kicks open the door, hoping the sudden force shakes Enzo enough she can escape to where Elena's waiting without him noticing.
"What the hell - " Enzo shudders, but Bonnie has to stop because Caroline blocks her path, eyebrows raised.
"That is way too tight," says Caroline, pulling at the top of the dress. Bonnie squirms, slightly, glad that her back is to Enzo, so she can focus on the present and not on the ghost who's eyes are currently piercing her. "I don't know how I feel about this silhouette though."
Bonnie nudges Caroline forward. "Let's show Elena. I don't think I like the bottom."
When they do reach her, Bonnie ignores the shivers running down her spine. She can feel Enzo staring at her, back against the doorway to the dressing room, watching her. Bonnie refuses to look at him.
"Bonnie, go change," says Elena the moment she sees them. Bonnie rolls her eyes and Caroline giggles. "I like that one, Car."
"It's okay. I want to try on some different ones."
Caroline turns back first, so Bonnie can hide behind her. But even as Bonnie tries to focus on the blonde hair in front of her, and holding up her dress, and ignoring Enzo - she looks at him, and she almost trips.
His eyes are dark, intense - they leave goosebumps across her skin. There's a ghost of a feeling in her gut, like she's seen him with this look before and she revels in it - until he blinks and he smiles sadly. "Sorry," he says, eyes downcast, and Bonnie wants to lift his chin and force him to look at her again. As she frowns, Bonnie is reminded of dances and christmas lights and a warm fire.
She doesn't know where the memory comes from.
The second dress is much better. It's slightly too big at the waist, but when Bonnie pulls back the fabric and admires herself in the mirror, it feels better. She'll have to forgo a bra on the real day, and the golden neck piece may get in the way of any other necklaces, but the front cut is low enough to suit her. The green fabric is forest and Bonnie loves it.
No one is in the hallway as Bonnie leaves the dressing room. Caroline's stall is empty and she can hear voices right outside. So she steps out, carrying the bottom hem, and only when she looks up does she catch their looks.
"What?" she asks, because Caroline is grinning and Elena is nodding briskly. "This is it, isn't it?"
"No." His voice stabs her, and it takes every part of herself to not spin around and glare at him.
But Caroline spins her around anyway to admire the back of the dress and Bonnie finds herself staring at him, face to face. Bonnie bits her lip, trying to convey with her eyes that she's hurt.
Enzo sighs. "I'm sorry - I didn't mean - " He steps forward, his hand ghosting over her arm. "I've just - I've seen this dress on - someone - before. But - you look beautiful." His eyes scan her, from the hints of her bra straps down the cut of the dress and back up to her face - to her eyes, which she suspects reflect brightly against the color of the dress. "You look - "
"Bonnie!"
Bonnie snaps her head around, almost cracking her neck, and tries to shake off Enzo and his looks and the feeling of his chest against her back. "Sorry, what did you say?"
Caroline and Elena exchange a look and Bonnie bites back the nagging feeling in her stomach. Elena steps closer. "You okay? You zoned out for a second."
Bonnie smiles, shaking her head. "Yeah, I'm fine, just - I think this is the one. If you like it, of course, Mrs. Future Donovan."
Elena grins and Caroline rolls her eyes. "Of course she likes it, it's gorgeous on you." Caroline spins in her own dress. "This is not mine though."
Groaning, Elena pulls on Caroline's hand. "Fine, but we can't spend all afternoon here."
"I mean, we can ..." Caroline grins, pulls Bonnie towards the dressing room again, and Bonnie lets herself shiver when she passes straight through Enzo.
As she's removing the dress and putting on her clothes again, Bonnie wonders if their souls touched.
They finally leave the store with just enough time to grab dinner. Enzo disappears during this time, so Bonnie concentrates on her friends - on Elena explaining Matt's reluctance to participate in wedding planning and Caroline debating how to discuss their post-graduation future with Tyler.
Bonnie is almost done with her dinner when Caroline frowns at her. "Bonnie - can I ask you a question?"
"Of course." Bonnie pushes a piece of her food into the corner of her plate.
Caroline glances over at Elena before clearing her throat slightly. "You're over Jeremy, right?" Bonnie frowns and raises an eyebrow. "I mean - that was almost four years ago - and we just haven't seen you date anyone since last fall - and nothing serious - "
"Yes, I am over Jeremy," says Bonnie firmly, and she ignores that Enzo suddenly appears in the corner of her vision. "I just - I haven't met anyone I would want to date."
"And if that's all it is, then we totally get it," says Elena, with a soft smile. "But we're always talking about Matt and Tyler - and you never mention anyone - we just want you to be happy."
Bonnie forces herself to smile. "I know." She tries very hard to not think of Enzo, standing there and watching her. She wants him to disappear. But as she tries to not think of him, to push him away, he becomes even clearer. "I just - I guess I haven't met anyone real."
Enzo's eyes flash.
"Of course," says Caroline, wiping her fingers on her napkin and pushing her plate forward. "College may not be the right place for you to find a guy. But if you ever want us to set you up - "
"No," says Bonnie, immediately, her stomach clenching. Enzo shakes his head, a tiny smile on his lips, but it feels wrong . "No - I just - " Bonnie closes her eyes and sighs. When she opens them again, she looks straight at her best friends and refuses to see him. "There's this guy."
Caroline's eyes widen and Elena sits straighter. "Oh really! And why have we never heard of him?"
Bonnie rolls her eyes. "He - we flirted a bit, it's just complicated - it won't work."
"Oh c'mon," says Caroline. "You were the one who told me that if I wanted Tyler and I to work I had to try ."
"I know but - " Bonnie bites her lip, glancing over at Enzo - he's silent and still, waiting, and that terrifies her - "it's complicated."
"It always is." Elena leans forward on her elbows. "Just promise me you won't just give up?"
Bonnie hates making promises - especially one's she's sure she can't keep - but Elena has always been able to get commitments out of her. And with Caroline grinning beside her, excited and glowing, Bonnie has to sigh. "Okay, fine. I promise I'll try, okay? I just don't think it's going to be possible."
Caroline shrugs. "Hey, if nothing else, at least you can get some sex out of it."
Bonnie throws a napkin at her while Elena laughs and almost misses Enzo trying to hide a true smile.
Almost.
When Caroline drops her at home, Bonnie carries her dress and refuses to look at him. But then, at the top of the stairs, she turns.
"Tell me I'm not crazy." He's at the bottom looking up at her. He's almost sad. "Tell me what told Elena and Caroline was wrong - that we haven't been flirting. That - it doesn't mean anything. Because - "
"I'm dead." He walks up a few steps up and as he draws closer Bonnie feels herself slipping further.
"You're dead," she repeats. "And you were engaged and had a crazy, full life - and I'm just a girl who's going insane, talking to dead people."
Enzo stands a few steps below her, his eye level matching hers. "You are not insane." His hands are in his pockets and his voice is firm. "You are not crazy."
"Why me?" she asks, for the first time since that first time, barely a whisper. "Why are you here, Enzo?"
He looks down at his feet. "I shouldn't be here - "
"Don't." Enzo looks back up at her then and Bonnie sighs. Her heart flutters despite her brain racing and she realizes she's tired. "Just - it's been a long day. Let's go to bed."
She is well aware of the phrasing of her words, but Enzo says nothing to correct her. Instead, he follows her to her room and watches as she hangs up her new dress - although according to him, it's not very new.
Bonnie collapses onto her bed, using her toes to remove her shoes and scoots all the way up so her head rests on her pillows. She closes her eyes, but somehow she knows that Enzo lies down beside her.
She enjoys the silence, the thought and feeling of him just there . Bonnie worries a little less about being insane now, lets herself enjoy his company. Even when he's not there, she feels comforted just knowing that he could be.
She turns her head to look at him. He puts space between them, reflexively, and Bonnie isn't sure why that annoys her. But his head is on his hands as he lies on his back and stares at the ceiling.
"You never talk about your fiancee."
It's something that's been nagging at her for a while.
Bonnie shares stories of her life, despite Enzo's knowing smirks, because he listens. Between stories of Matt and Elena's solid relationship - they dated throughout high school and college after her parent's accident - and of her brief relationship with Jeremy that ended after graduation, she tells him about her father - always traveling, never really there - and her Grams - the parental figure that she always needed. She tells him about the crush she had on Matt once back in middle school, but that quickly faded; she even confesses that she had been taking Caroline for granted until sophomore year, when Caroline stood up for her in front of half of their class. Bonnie shares secrets and dreams and always notices Enzo's complete focus.
And Enzo tells her what he can about his life - she knows he was a soldier, thought a Italian cook was his father, and met his cousins before both were killed. Her favorite stories are about his friends, however - but those stories are sparse and far between, usually hinted at rather than told. Bonnie always probes him for more, but Enzo hesitates and gives her vague and broad strokes rather than the entire portrait.
But his fiancee - he rarely mentions her. Bonnie doesn't even know her name. She knows Dylan and Sean and Carol and Ella and Max and Thomas and Richard and John and even a Sandra. At first, Bonnie thought Sandra was Enzo's fiancee - but like with Carol, Enzo laughed - bright and loud - before explaining that he only ever met her because he was lonely and channeling that loneliness as jealousy towards Sean. Bonnie mostly found it all confusing and convoluted, but then again, Enzo never really seems to fill in all the details.
Details, she notices, like his fiancee.
"Well?" she asks him, because he hasn't responded. Enzo still faces the ceiling, but his eyes glance at her. "Why don't you ever talk about her?"
His eyes flicker close for a moment. "I don't miss her as much." His head turns now, eyes steady and intense in that way that makes her throat dry, and he smiles. "You remind me of her."
"You've said that before." Bonnie shifts her body sideways, balancing with her elbow. "Tell me about her."
Enzo pauses for a moment; she sees the gears working overtime - she knows how to read him now, can see the difference between panic and deep thought and amusement - before he turns to mirror her posture. "She's beautiful. Passionate. Loyal. Always fighting for her loved ones - many times sacrificing her happiness for theirs." He chuckles. "Her best friend once told me that he was glad I had fallen in love with her because he knew I'd always put her first." His gaze falls onto her again and Bonnie swallows. He doesn't look away. His voice is low, but so very firm. "She's powerful. Brilliant. I fight for her, every day, because I know she is always worth it." Bonnie struggles to breathe and Enzo moves closer to her. "She's the hope I hold onto, my partner - the love of my life."
Bonnie stares back, speechless, because the nagging in the back of her mind has emerged again. Pieces seem to be struggling to fit - his knowledge of all her friends, flashes of memories that don't quite make sense, his friends sounding eerily similar to hers, the way he looks at her as if he's seen every part of her, kissed each inch, and helped her piece it all back together, stronger and better.
"Why are you speaking in present tense?" she asks, barely a whisper, her stomach clenched too tight and her throat too dry.
Enzo doesn't say anything. He just looks at her - his gaze travels down her, a scan of her heart and body and soul, flickering once to her lips before meeting hers again. Her hand shakes, but she reaches out, stroking the air where his face should be. Enzo's eyes close. It's cold, and the shivers traveling down her spine make her quiver, but she wants to grab his hair, pull him towards her, kiss him with lips and tongue and heart, wrap her legs around him until there's no space between, just heat and skin -
"You are beautiful," he says, and Bonnie feels her heart growing in her chest as her hand curls back towards it. She may combust. He scoots closer to her; their faces are inches away and he fists his hand in front of his chest too. If she stretches her fingers -
His thoughts align with hers, and their fingers are intertwined and merged all at once - it's cold, so cold , but Bonnie feels so warm as if he's holding her tightly, protecting her and guiding her and supporting her all at once. Whereas his presence is a gift - he always comes back now, no matter if she yells at him for frustrating her or if the guilt that haunts him returns - this moment is more of a promise. In that moment, she almost wishes his fiancee's name was hers.
His hand shakes inside of hers, little tides of goosebumps swaying back and forth along the coast of her arm. She grabs onto the sheets as if it were his hand, as if she's trying to steady him, provide strength somehow. As if, despite the impossible, she wants to convey that same promise to him.
"I wish you were real," she says, her grip on nothing so very tight.
Enzo never looks away from her. "Me too, love."
She falls asleep like that, holding onto the sheets like a lifeline, taking up only half the very small bed. The burning desire to feel his lips on hers haunts her dreams.
Matt and Elena marry on a cool March morning, where the dew glitters in the sunrise. Standing in front of the mirror in one of Tyler's many guest rooms, Bonnie smiles.
The woman who smiles back seems strange.
"Wow." He's behind her in the reflection, still wearing his navy long-sleeve shirt and dark jeans, but Bonnie imagines him in a suit, bow-tie across his neck. She turns and Enzo smiles. "You're beautiful."
Stepping forward, she lets her hand rest in his. It's been so long since his not-confession - two months and eighteen days - that she knows exactly how to greet him as if he was real. He is real, to her, and pretending to hold his hand and kiss his cheek and embrace him reminds her.
Because when the desire to kiss him overtakes her or her friends frown in her direction or when she wants to break down because he's dead , Bonnie begins to forget.
"You don't have to be here," she says. There's an echo of a feeling, of standing near him, his arms around her waist, her hands on his neck. They sway, maybe, melancholy melodies circling the air. "I know it feels weird."
Enzo shakes his head, eyes never leaving hers. "I want to be with you." Her heart clenches and releases. The doubt silences after his constant reassurances and passionate eyes, but there's always that hesitance that nags at her. But despite mixed emotions, Bonnie is happy.
Somehow, impossibly, Enzo makes her happy. And yet, the pit in her stomach also refuses to fade.
Enzo glances at the invitation sitting on the vanity and shakes his head. "I can't believe I'm here," he says, and Bonnie notices how his eyes glaze over. He hesitates when he looks back at her, a small frown on his lips. "It's the same date."
Bonnie tilts her head. "What do you mean?"
"It's March 10th."
His voice is steady, but Bonnie sees the nervousness in his eyes. "You don't have to keep that promise," she says quickly, her hand grazing over his face. "Things have changed."
Enzo smiles, sadly, and Bonnie's heart aches. "They have." He steps back, glancing at the doorway. "Give Elena an extra long hug from me too."
Bonnie smiles and nods, and steps into the shadows just as Caroline steps into the room, carrying the skirt of her dress and clearly upset about something. Bonnie shoots Enzo a small grin before he disappears - and then Bonnie steps in as the best friend she is to make sure Elena's wedding goes perfectly.
And it does.
Elena's vows still echo in her head - you were there for me even when I pushed you away, always my friend, and forever my husband - and Bonnie can't stop smiling every time Matt dips her as they dance, their first time as husband and wife. Caroline and Tyler join them as the song switches, the reception hall twinkling in decorated lights, and more couples join them.
Bonnie stands back in the shadows, resting against a wall, as the dancing continues to the slow music. When she looks past Matt and Elena, in the center, she smiles - Enzo stands there, mirroring her position, leaning against a pillar and grinning straight at her. Maybe she sways slightly to the rhythms, or maybe she's just imagining it, but for a minute Bonnie pretends that there are beside each other, holding each other, dancing - that her hand is enclosed within his and his arms embrace her, that his eyes and lips are inches away from hers - and they are not standing on opposite sides of the dance floor. That he's not dead.
When Bonnie blinks, Enzo's gone and Matt stands before her. Bonnie raises an eyebrow, trying to focus on her best friends' happiness and not the disappointment. "Shouldn't you be dancing with your bride?"
"I wanted to dance with my best friend for at least one song," says Matt, offering her a hand. Bonnie shakes her head, smiling, and lets him lead her beside Tyler and Caroline.
After two songs - and many stubbed toes - Tyler cuts in. "Switch with me," he says to Matt, and Bonnie groans.
"Do I not get a say in this?"
Tyler shakes his head, grinning, as the music picks up and he spins her. "Nope." Bonnie laughs.
It's when two more songs pass and Jeremy steps in that Bonnie becomes suspicious. "Shouldn't you be with your date? Sarah, was it?"
Jeremy grins. "She was tired and I need someone to do a final check of my speech."
"Caroline would love to do it."
"Yes, but," says Jeremy, glancing over at his sister quickly, "I want you to be the final judge."
Bonnie leans back, slightly, as much as she can with a hand on his shoulder and the other in his hand. Frowning, she slowly nods. "Okay, fine - let me hear it."
Jeremy clears his throat and takes a deep breath. "Elena and Matt - congrats, hopefully you beat the odds and I can be an uncle. Save me some cake. Good night."
Bonnie shoves him lightly. "Jeremy!" His laugh is loud and annoying but Bonnie finds herself smiling anyway. "If you're not going to be serious I'm going to sit down. I've been dancing too long anyway." His smile wavers for a second and Bonnie finds her suspicions rising. "Jeremy - what's going on?"
Jeremy glances backwards and Bonnie watches his eyes settle on Elena and Caroline, laughing with Caroline's mother. Bonnie's frown deepens as Jeremy sighs. "Bonnie - they just didn't want you to be standing in the corner all night - "
Bonnie stops listening then, releasing herself from Jeremy's grip and heading straight for her best friends. They both stop talking when she walks over, and perhaps they notice her tense jaw and flashing eyes. "I thought we talked about this." Her voice is low and tense and she's very proud of herself for not yelling.
Elena and Caroline exchange a glance and Liz excuses herself. "Bonnie," says Caroline, reaching a hand out to rest on Bonnie's arm - Bonnie pulls back and Caroline winces. "You looked sad."
Bonnie freezes and Elena takes a step towards her. "Caroline saw you standing alone and you looked sad - and Bonnie, I don't want you to be sad on my wedding day."
She knows Elena means well - she knows they both do - but the frustration of the past year builds in her. The man she loves - loves because that must be what she feels when he grins at her like she's the sun and how she wants to squeeze him against her and how her heart feels stronger when he's near - is dead and a ghost and she can't touch him - and her best friends are in love and married and she can't be completely happy, she can't, because Bonnie knows that something has to end.
So Bonnie bites her lip, steps away from her friends, and leaves.
It's anger and sadness and guilt - the emotions swirl in her chest and her gut and part of her wants to throw up the conflicting feelings. But when she finally escapes into an empty bedroom, sinking to the floor as the door closes, Bonnie just hugs her knees to chest.
Enzo slides down beside her.
"Talk to me, love." Maybe if he was real his arm would be around her now.
She hugs herself tighter. "Caroline and Elena sent the guys to dance with me. They saw me standing alone - sad - and they - " Her voice cracks.
Enzo turns to face her. "Bonnie," he says, his hand in hers. She shivers. "You have every right to feel what you feel." She doesn't move, doesn't say anything, because everything is confused and muddled. Enzo sighs. "I'm sorry. This is my fault. I shouldn't be - "
"Stop." Bonnie turns now, knees beneath her, facing him. "You didn't choose to die. I chose to think of you, bring you back. I - I knew this wasn't - that you weren't - but I fell in love with you anyway."
Enzo stares at her, speechless, and Bonnie suddenly realizes she's never said it out loud. So even though her mind is cluttered, her heart knows what to say - "Enzo St. John," she whispers, her fingers ghosting over the skin of his cheek, "I love you. I don't care that you're dead and that I can't touch you or kiss you - " Her index finger grazes the soft, cold skin and she smiles - "I love you."
And his eyes widen just as it sinks in - her thumb joins her index finger and then her entire hand - and it remains on his cheek, on his skin and Bonnie grabs his hair and holds his face in her hand -
"You can touch me," he says and she nods, unable to look away as her hands run down his face and shoulders and chest - Enzo reaches out with his own hand, holding hers as it rests over his heart. "I can touch you."
Bonnie stares at him - he's never looked so gorgeous than in that moment, with shining eyes and cold skin and an awestruck smile. And her chest heaves with the uncontrollable urge to bond with him, to be with him - so she grabs his neck and kisses him, deeply and passionately, and Enzo responds in kind.
The first kiss is just that - a kiss. His lips are cool but embrace hers with softness and expertise - he knows exactly how she likes to be kissed, with his arms wrapped around her waist and his tongue gliding against hers. When she breaks off the kiss, her head fuzzy and overwhelmed, she pulls herself into his lap, legs straddling him. Enzo stares at her, breathing deeply, eyes scanning her eyes and her mouth and her chest before she kisses him again.
Enzo kisses like he speaks - his lips sing poetry and his teeth nip with bite yet his tongue dances with smoothness to soothe and protect and hold her. His lips move to the corner of her mouth and Bonnie tugs at his shirt. Enzo holds her tighter, arms on her waist, and Bonnie moans when his hands run up her sides.
"Enzo," she whispers into his mouth, tugging on his shirt again. He hesitates, just as she kisses his hair - he smells like cinnamon, somehow - and Bonnie pauses. "Hey - "
"Bonnie…" his voice is hoarse as he trails off.
"Hey," she says, and Bonnie lifts his chin to look straight in his eyes. "I want this. I want you. Please."
Enzo pauses, and she can see those same gears turning. When she shifts in his lap, his eyes flutter closed and his grip tightens on her hips - and he crashes his lips against hers again. Bonnie moans, especially when his hand travels up her back and pushes her closer. Without parting, Enzo lifts her up, with her legs wrapped around his waist, and carries her to the bed. As he lays her down, he does not look away from her eyes - Bonnie feels as exposed and undressed as the first time she met him, but this time her hand reaches out for his and they intertwine.
Her heart might burst.
"You're beautiful." The words leave his lips and they're likely involuntary, but Bonnie doesn't care. He covers her with his body, still clothed, but even as she kisses him again, she pulls his shirt upward. They break apart and he tosses his shirt aside before pulling her up to unzip her dress. As the dress falls off her, he kisses her neck and her shoulders - he pulls off the dress completely with her help and she lies in front of him in just her bra and panties - and Enzo's fingers do not stop dancing across her skin.
She squirms under his touch - he leaves fire with every movement of his hands, especially when they light graze over her breasts. His hand edges around to her back to unhook her bra; Bonnie strips it off and throws it away before pulling him onto her. His skin is warm now, and the feeling of his chest against hers is so overwhelming - his heart pounds beside hers, as if they are touching and in sync, and her nails run down his spine. Enzo is firm, a blanket of warmth embracing her.
Her head feels cloudy and her stomach flutters every time his lips and tongue run across her body. Enzo starts with her neck, then down her shoulders - his hands intertwine with hers, tightly, and when he captures her nipple in his mouth Bonnie arcs into him. His name leaves her lips as a prayer - she wants him so much, she needs his touch and him and finally, finally having this moment has begun to overtake each nerve.
His mouth travels lower; his breath over her center leaves her squirming and Enzo lets go of her hands to hold down her thighs. Gripping his head, her thumb circles his temple. He leaves a light kiss on the fabric and the ache in her core heightens - she already wants to explode, to let go - but she needs him. She wants him.
Enzo hooks his thumbs into her underwear and pulls them off. Bonnie sits up to help, and after Enzo drops them to the floor, but before he can push her back down, she reaches for his belt. "Bonnie," he starts but she shakes her head.
"No. I want you. All of you." Her fingers still for a moment and she looks at him. "Let me, please?" Enzo nods, slowly, before standing and removing his own pants. And boxers.
And then they are both naked, her sitting and him standing, and Bonnie feels her heart clenching.
"Come here," she whispers, reaching for him. He kneels before her on the bed, his hands running across her skin; she mirrors him, touching every inch that she can with her fingers and her lips. He tastes like salt and vanilla, cinnamon and ash. Bonnie pushes him backwards and hovers over him. His hands run up her sides again, his thumbs drawing circles under her ribs, and Bonnie worries she's already too far gone.
Resting with her knees on either side of him, she tries to ignore the feeling of him rubbing against her center. Instead, she kisses up his chest before lowering her mouth to his - this kiss, she hopes, is the promise she made months ago. Bonnie kisses him while her heart threatens to burst and break, because his hands heal her burns and his lips bring light to the shadows in the creases of her heart. He hugs her tighter against his chest before she shifts against him - and moans, as his cock rubs against her clit.
"You're going to kill me," says Enzo, his hand dipping down to cup her ass. "Again."
Bonnie laughs against his lips, using her hands on his chest to push herself straight. One hand travels downwards and guides him into her - and with a deep sigh, she lowers herself onto him.
Her eyes flutter close and Bonnie feels Enzo sit up straight, his arms still holding her against him. When he moves, she sinks deeper - he fills her, completely, and her heart and mind and soul feel so overwhelmed - a tear falls quickly, as her heart pounds loudly.
They do not move, and she keeps crying, softly. Enzo wipes away the tears, kissing each wet streak on her cheeks and somehow, even as she grows more emotional, she feels calmer. Her hands travel up his chest and around his neck; Enzo leans towards her as she begins to move - she circles him, the friction against her clit sending shivers up her spine. Slowly, surely, she lifts herself up and down and the groan that he releases matches the moans drawn from her chest. " Enzo ," she breathes, and this time he thrusts into her when she lowers herself again.
There are explosions in the darkness behind her eyelids.
He buries his face into her neck, kissing and nipping and licking. Bonnie can't think, she just feels, as her heart and stomach and core throb with every thrust and push. Whispering into her ear now, Enzo licks her ear. "I love you, Bonnie Bennett." His breath is warm and cool all at once as the shivers that race across her spine meet the clench of her center around him. She's so close, yet so far - she doesn't want to rush; she wants to enjoy this moment - she never wants it to end.
But the pressure builds in her stomach and Enzo's kisses are sloppier; he kneads her breasts with one hand, alternating between flicking her hard nipples and palming the entire thing. His other hand remains firmly on the small of her back, her anchor and his tether. Bonnie pulls his face into her neck, kissing his head and twisting his hair between her fingers. She knows she's coming undone as the shivers become quakes, as every nerve is set on fire and the smoke from her skin leaves her breathless. Her soul shakes; when she lets go completely, set ablaze by his touch and his words and by him , his name leaves her lip like a prayer.
She's trembling in his arms as her orgasm passes. Although she can't move anymore, Enzo keeps the pace, agonizingly slow, circling her and probing her. When she rests her forehead against his, her breathing ragged, Enzo smiles and gently turns them over.
Bonnie's legs still wrapped around him, Enzo continues to move slow. The shakes have steadied, but she is still sensitive. The pain quickly shifts to pleasure again, however, as his pace eventually quickens. The pressure builds once more, suddenly, and her leg moves along the back of his. Stroking his back in time with his thrusts, Bonnie kisses his shoulder.
The second orgasm is softer, yet more intense - it happens quickly, deeply, and still Bonnie is overwhelmed with sensation - how her nerves tingle as he reaches his peak, how his kisses still linger over every inch of her skin, how her heart feels pulled and stretched and calmed. Once Enzo reaches his own orgasm, with several final thrusts that leave him breathless in her arms, Bonnie smiles, the tears burning behind her eyes.
"I love you," she says, because that's really all she can - nothing else would capture the immense feeling of the moment. "I love you so much."
Enzo kisses her forehead, then her nose, then her lips. "I love you." The words are whispered into her mouth and perhaps Bonnie is floating, but his arms and his body keep her steady.
Without placing any weight on her, Enzo lies down on his back. She flips over to her side, wrapping an arm and leg around him, resting her head against his chest. He takes her hand and intertwines their fingers.
"You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that. With you," he says, his thumb stroking hers. "And as always, the real thing is always better than the fantasy."
Bonnie kisses the space where his heart must be.
"I'm a vampire," he says and at first, she thinks she imagines it. But then, he keeps talking. "I was turned in 1903 by Lily Salvatore, mother of Damon and Stefan Salvatore. In 2010, I escaped my captures, who tortured and studied me - and in 2011, I met you."
Bonnie does not move or speak, just listens, squeezing his hand.
"We fell in love in a cabin because we were in hiding. Well," he laughs, and Bonnie thinks it sounds like wind chimes in the early morning, "you were in hiding. I was hiding you. And over three years, we became friends. We fell in love. And after you almost died, I tried to be heroic - only for it to backfire spectacularly. But we found our way back to each other. We'd do that a lot." He glances at her. "I died. You brought me back, eventually. But then - " His voice stalls and Bonnie thinks she feels the words clogged in his chest. She kisses his shoulder and Enzo lets out a long breath. "There was… a reset. A new start. For you. For Elena and Caroline. For everyone."
"Except you," says Bonnie, finally, because the pieces seem to fall together perfectly. Because Enzo seemed to know everything, but also nothing, as if someone had tried to replicate an exhibit but moved everything just half an inch to the right.
"And Stefan and Damon. They were erased. You and Elena and Caroline - you never met them. They don't exist anymore."
Part of her wonders why he's finally admitting it. The other part is satisfied that he has finally given in. "But you exist."
"I shouldn't - or at least, not this version of me." Enzo lifts their hands and kisses the back of her palm. "I was supposed to let you go, let you live your life without the supernatural - without vampires or witches or werewolves." She has so many more questions, but his voice is soothing and the vibrations of his chest cradle her.
So instead Bonnie waits. Every now and then Enzo will provide another comment, about something else strange and unusual - Heretics or how he's truly a monster or how she once survived spending months alone in a prison world - and she'd process, slowly.
Otherwise, they lie in silence, just touching and kissing, and despite the swirl of sensations and feelings early, now she feels calm. She feels anchored. Much later, as Enzo's stories stall and a sense of time creeps back upon her, she sighs deeply. "I should head back. They'll come searching for me." She grins despite herself, gently nipping his shoulder. "I dunno how I'll explain why I'm lying naked in a bed, alone."
Enzo doesn't smile, though. He doesn't let go of her hand either, even when she sits up. Frowning, he mirrors her, staring at their hands. "Bonnie… " He seems sad and Bonnie's heart might have skipped a beat.
"What's wrong?" She moves herself closer to him, one leg on his lap. He doesn't respond, still frowning at their hands, and Bonnie feels worry invade her calm. "Enzo, talk to me."
At his name, Enzo snaps his head up. His eyes are unreadable, in a way they haven't been in ages, and it scares her. The fear grows rapidly when his hand slips away from hers, fading into nothing, before disappearing completely.
"What the - " She shakes her head as Enzo's face twists into pained acceptance. "No - no no no , Enzo, tell me - "
He turns to face her, completely, and while it looks like he tries to use his hands to keep her face locked onto his, his arms are starting to fade too. "Bonnie Bennet, you are everything that I have ever wanted. It's my time - I made you a promise, and I intend to keep it."
"No, Enzo, please no - " She knows she's begging and her heart burns in her chest and his legs have faded too. "Please - I can't - "
"Yes, you can," he says, tears mixed beneath his encouraging smile. "I know you can fight. Promise me you'll move on. Live your life." This smile is still sad, but it's resigned and Bonnie hates it. "I never did belong here. I was never supposed to be here."
These tears are heavy, almost dry, and noiseless - all her energy is focused on keeping her heart intact, because more parts of him continue to fade away - and then she can barely see him.
"Promise me, Bonnie."
"I promise," she says, almost a sob, as the crack in her voice shines with acid. Her heart cracks too. "I love you," she whispers into nothing - she can't see him anymore.
"I love you."
Bonnie can't feel him anymore. That's how she knows he's gone.
(Eventually, Bonnie forces herself to move. She dresses, goes back to the reception. She forces a smile, and another one, and another one - until, one day, the smiles are no longer forced but genuine and her heart feels less empty. And on the day Bonnie bumps into a man at a coffee shop who has a bright smile and a deep laugh, the ache in her heart is only a minor reminder of what once was.)
Notes: I started this over a month ago, pre-8x11. It was originally much, much shorter, just an "AU scene of Matt/Elena's wedding... except Bonnie realizes something's missing" but then it just, escalated. Into this. Any resemblances to canon (which... may be because I was positive Enzo was going to die and we were going to get ghost!Enzo...) are completely coincidental.
I always prefer a review to an alert, for the record. Tell me what was your favorite part, what line really worked for you, or just talk to me about your frustrations (or hope?) with canon. (I personally have more hope after the goodbye than I did last week.)