Title: i built this body to relax in, try to bring me down; i'm a get the last laugh in
Category: Young Justice
Character(s): Barry Allen/The Flash, Wally West/Kid Flash, Oliver Queen/Green Arrow, Artemis Crock/Artemis, King Orin/Aquaman, Kaldur'Ahm/Aqualad, Clark Kent/Superman, Conner Kent/Superboy, J'Onn J'Onzz/Martian Manhunter, M'Gann M'Orzz/Miss Martian, Bruce Wayne/Batman, Dick Grayson/Robin, Roy Harper/Red Arrow
Words: 1,678
Genre(s): Humor/Family
Rating: T
Summary: Gender is not as solid in the Superhero business as it is everywhere else in the world.
Prompt: The mentors get gender-swapped, YJ deals with the weirdness and drama.
Bonus: The human members of the team don't get why it even matters for J'onn, and M'gann is uncomfortable explaining and doesn't want to go into detail.
Double bonus: Supermanwoman barely seems to notice. Try going through puberty as the only member of an alien species you know nothing about. Nothing my body does can faze me anymore.
i. The Flash
It's not that often that anyone besides the Rouges ever operated in Central City, but this new villain, SixtyThree, had been going around wreaking havoc. He'd gotten to City Hall and was holding the mayor hostage; demanding to see the Flash. Wally pressed himself against the wall, it was nice working with Uncle Barry after so long with the team. The more he worked with them there was less time to patrol with his idol.
"Hey, Flash, you coming out or not?"
"I'm right here!" Flash yelled; running past the new villain with his fist held up for the kill (except not actually because they were the good guys). Kid Flash used the distraction and ran around the villain, grabbing the various bureaucrats and carrying them to safety.
But the new villain managed to (and this only ever happens when the Flash is having an off day, a very, very off day) shoot the Flash.
The purple light engulfed the Flash, surrounding him.
Wally ran toward his uncle but the light was too bright even through his goggles. He had to turn away. Around him he saw the civilians do the same.
When it's safe enough to open their eyes. SixtyThree is gone. And where his uncle was… wow.
Wow.
Wally is never going to ever admit this, ever, in his entire life. He is going to take this with him to the grave; there is no one who will ever know.
His uncle as a chick; pretty hot. Extremely hot really, the Flash costume left little to the imagination normally, but on a five foot, seven inch woman, the costume fit in ways that were sinful.
His Uncle (Aunt?) Barry slapped the back of his head, "Get your mind out of the gutter kid, there's work to do."
He scowled, eyebrows furrowing. "Hey, I didn't say anything." Wally pouted. He knew that it was still his uncle in there somewhere, he'd just been distracted by the sudden appearance of an extremely hot chick. Not that he really minded that his uncle was gonna be a chick for a few days. It's not like the time that he'd been turned into a baby, that had been a horrible, horrible experience with diapers and mess that he never wants to deal with again. Ever.
Arrow
Artemis walked into the mission room and saw what looks like a female version of Ollie, she hasn't been a superhero long, but she knows the common traps and circumstances. And she wants to get the hell out of there before Ollie decided that they needed "family bonding time" or something stupid like that, but Robin saw her leave, which is ultimately how her plan to hide out in Zatanna's new room failed.
"Hey Arty, where are you going?"
"The hell out of here."
"Oh no," He said, smirking, "If we have to suffer through this, then you have to, too."
"No, Ollie'll make me like dress up or something stupid." She scowled before straightening up so she could do her best Ollie-impression. "He's always like, "you never spend enough time with me Artemis," and I'm like "what the hell? We aren't even related!" It's ridiculous. He doesn't even care. Did I tell you about the other night when he came to my apartment and invited mom and me to dinner? It was the most awkward thing ever because Roy was there, and I swear to God-"
"Arty, we're here."
Artemis looked at the short boy who was smiling like the cat who ate the canary. "Fuck you."
He shrugged. "Everybody wants to."
"All I want to do is punch you in the face."
"Artemis!" Artemis cringed. God, his voice was a million times worse than usual. It was high and pitchy, and dear god, what was he wearing? Was that her costume?
Oh, hell no.
He pulled her into a bone-crushing hug. "Ollie, are you drunk?"
"Artemis, why would you say something like that?" He pouted.
Artemis didn't respond, just settled him with a look.
"Come on, Artemis, now we can go shopping together. Now I can pick out cute clothes for you!"
Artemis cradled her head in her hands. Ollie needed to have kids. A little girl, especially, who he could put in frilly little dresses and take them out to ice cream and buy them dolls or something equally girly. She was older than five. He was always trying to put her in dresses (the worst kind too, all frilly and shit), and the one time that he'd heard her talking about Black Canary about a boy. Dear God. You would've thought that she had been caught doing heroin or something.
"No! You're going to try to put me in Granny clothes!"
"They're cute!"
"No, they're not. Ollie, we have work to do. Shut up."
All the mentors in the room turned from where they were surreptitiously listening into the conversation.
She heard Wally whisper, "Did she just tell her mentor to shut up?"
"Yes I did," Artemis said. "Shut up, Baywatch."
"Hey!"
iii. Aquaman
"My King," Kaldur started. "Or should I address you as my Queen?"
If it had been anyone but Kaldur, Orin would believe they were confused. But he knew his prodigy better than most; Kaldur had a quiet (wicked) sort of humor. "Kaldur, stop talking."
The edge of Kaldur's mouth twitched, but he remained quiet.
Orin snorted and adjusted his now (at the same time) too tight and too big shirt.
"You will not find it so funny the next time you have turned into a female."
Kaldur shook his head. "My King, I have no intention of getting myself be hit by anything that would render me female."
Orin rolled his (her?) eyes and smirked. "That was what you said about de-aging, and yet I have recollections of a young Kaldur and his tiny team."
Kaldur scowled. "That was something that I did not expect to happen. That was an accident."
Orin smiled, putting his suddenly small hand on Kaldur's shoulder. "Do not worry, young Kaldur. It happens to the best of us."
Kaldur said nothing.
"That doesn't change the fact that I have pictures, though."
"…You what?"
iv. Superman
Superboy watched in horror as the bright purple light engulfed Superman. He wasn't on the best of terms with the Man of Steel (he'd only barely tolerated Conner's presence in his city, these past couple of weeks), but he didn't like the look on Luthor's face as the purple beam flew toward a Man of Steel too occupied with fighting off an army of robots to block.
He was torn between attacking Luthor and protecting the currently down Superman to make any action, but that split second was long enough for Superman to recover. He was up and fighting again.
Conner returned to moving civilians out of the way of the attack ("Yes, Miss Lane, civilians does include you."), keeping his ears open should Superman face any troubles.
It's when he sees the figure fighting Luthor that he knows something wrong, because the person who was fighting Luthor was not Superman.
Conner doesn't know if he's more shocked that Superman as a woman is almost the exact same height and was built like an Amazon, or the fact that being turned into a woman didn't seem to faze him.
Luthor, without his army of robots backing him up, goes down easy enough; soon the ground is crawling with reporters, police, and firefighters, working to clean up the mess that Luthor has left in his wake.
It's then that Superwoman lands beside Conner.
"How…?" He doesn't quite know how to question the complete lack of reaction that Superman faced his sex-change with.
"Alien puberty." Superwoman says likethose two words explained everything. Which, when Conner thought about it, they did.
"Wait, it's that bad?" Conner hadn't noticed anything out of the normal between him and his teammates.
"Doesn't start until you're eighteen." Superwoman replied.
"Wait, what?"
"Oh yeah," Now he can tell she's getting some sort of perverse enjoyment out of this. "You think you're regular puberty is bad? Wait until your heat vision starts kicking in."
"What?"
Superwoman snickered. "Don't worry. You've got another year."
"That doesn't make it any better!"
"I'm sure you'll make it through just like I did."
"Superman!"
Superwoman laughs, and even though she's teasing the hell out of him, he smiles back.
"But, no, I'm serious about the 'it being horrible' part."
His smile falls.
v. Martian Manhunter
M'Gann blushed as Wally spoke. "I don't understand. Can't he just shape-shift back into a guy?"
"Um… It doesn't exactly work like that."
"Why not?" It was Robin this time, and she was definitely not going to explain it to him. Batman would kill her.
"It just doesn't. Males and females are different… Very… Different." M'Gann trailed off, uncomfortable.
"…M'Gann, are you okay?" Kaldur asked.
"Yeah. It's just… It does matter… Really. It does. A lot."
vi. Batman
"How do we know that you're really Batman?" Robin elbowed him in the ribs, and he winced.
The woman in the costume looked at them, and even though most of her face was covered by her cowl, the team could see that she was not amused.
"I mean, you could be some sort of intruder…" Wally trailed off as the woman, Batwoman, narrowed her eyes.
"Team, report; Kid Flash, shut up." Wally shut his mouth. Yup, definitely Batman.
Arrow (redux)
"Hello, handsome."
Roy looked blankly at the woman in front of him. He had answered the door in his boxers, a damp towel hanging from his shoulders. "What, Ollie?"
The woman pouted. "Aren't you going to invite me in? That's really rude, Roy. Aren't you even the slightest bit interested in finding out how I became a woman?"
Roy blinked once.
Roy blinked twice.
"No. Go the fuck away, Ollie." He slammed the door in the blonde woman's face and went to the bathroom to brush his teeth; he had work in an hour. He didn't have time for Ollie's bullshit.